AlterEg0's Journal

[Not Alone]

I wish you the best in your new job.

[Alter-eg0]

Guys, i'm stressed AF.

This year, I was appointed to organize an excursion to the zoo with all our first year students. I've never done this before in this context, so I worked together with a colleague who had.
Three weeks ago, she told me to ask the person who makes the timetables for a list of names of all the colleagues who would be available that day, so that I could appoint supervisors who would be joining us on the day. I needed 13 people (the zoo asks we bring 1 teacher per 10 students), but because there was another excursion on the same day, there weren't many people to choose from.
Anywho, I asked and received the list and shared it with my other colleague who was organizing the other excursion, so that we could divide the supervisors amongst us. She offered to take the list from me, make the cut herself and send it straight to the timetable person. I agreed, assuming it would be finished a.s.a.p. so that I could start informing my people.
A week later, I noticed that there were still no changes in the timetable, so I asked about it. I was told that my colleague hadn't turned anything in yet, so I went to ask her about it. She told me she was almost done, and would send it later that day. Which she didn't.
Over the course of the past two weeks, i'd been getting more and more stressed about it, because the date of the excursion was getting closer and closer, and I still had no supervisors to inform. I emailed her and spoke to her numerous times over those two weeks, and she kept saying that she was nearly done but had to make changes due to people cancelling, and that she'd send it later that day. Which never happened.
Last week, I was away on camp with out second years. After emailing back and forth with her again, this sunday she eventually said she'd have it done by the end of the day and send it to me. But on monday morning, I still hadn't received anything. So whilst I was out on the football field, supervising the school sports day, I sent her yet another message to say that we really, really had to get it done NOW, otherwise the excursions might just fall apart.
When I got back to school, I found her in the hallway and we agreed to sit down and figure it out. She just had to talk to a student first, and she'd be out in 15 minutes. I agreed to wait for her in the teachers lounge, but after 45 minutes she still wasn't there. I was about to get up to find her, when she came in.

Anywho, we made the cut and figured it out, then I immediately communicated with the timetable maker and emailed all the chosen supervisors the details.
And that's when the emails starting coming in with cancellations, colleagues who already had other appointments that day, emails from colleagues who wanted to switch groups, people who were annoyed that this hadn't been communicated sooner, etc. And obviously, I agree with them. I wanted to have this done weeks ago, but I'd been waiting for the necessary info for weeks.

By the time evening came around, I was three people short due to cancellations, and I was really worried that I'd show up to school on Wednesday and have to cancel the whole thing for the lack of supervisors. And even more scared that i'd have to answer for it, because technically, I was the one responsible. And not only that, but I had a bunch of colleagues who were irritated with me for my late communication, and I didn't know what to explain it to them without throwing my colleague under the bus.

So, in a bit of a panic, I eventually contacted one of the principles and explained the situation. I told him that I was worried about the excursion flopping, about all the cancellations, and about the situation that lead up to it, including the fact that my colleague had failed to keep her word on numerous occasions. I also made sure to mention that I wasn't trying to sh*t talk my colleague, I know she's busy and does her best as well (it wasn't lazy or malicious, she's just chaotic), but that I wasn't happy about the way this had gone.

He got back to me pretty quickly to help me figure out the supervisor situation, but he also cc-ed the email to this colleague. So I panicked even more, because I imagined her reading it and being really pissed with me for throwing her under the bus. I probably should have spoken to her about my concerns sooner instead of waiting too long and directly taking it up with the principle, but I didn't. Partly because I felt uncomfortable doing so along the way, and partly because it was already too late and I wouldn't be seeing her anymore before the excursion date. I needed to do something, fast.

The supervisor issue is now resolved, but i'm immensely stressed about coming back to school and facing my colleague(s). I'm not too worried about explaining the situation to the people who were annoyed about the timing, as it wasn't my fault. But I'm worried that that particular colleague is going to be angry with me, and that possibly a few others in our department might be as well.

I'm already tired and stressed, and I can't wait until the summer holidays. But now all I want to do is run away and get out of there asap.

[Armee]

I'm so sorry. That is super stressful. You did the right thing though, letting the principal know in a quiet way. You weren't in control of how he responded though. That and the fall out is out of your hands other than just continuing to be kind and explaining why you needed to bring this to his attention. Trust yourself. You did the right thing. That's all you can do. How others react you cannot control.

[Alter-eg0]

Hi all,

It's been so long! I've been meaning to write, but life has been incredibly hectic and busy in so many ways.
A lot has happened since the last time I posted, positive developments for the most part.

I was just reading back what I last wrote, and was reminded of how I felt at the time. Being in the middle of that level of stress, and being in survival mode almost all the time, I was aware that I was stressed and unhappy but I didn't even feel the full extent of it. When I think back to that time now, I wonder how I got through it at all. It certainly wasn't sustainable or healthy, and I wouldn't have lasted there much longer (even though I'm sure I would have, hadn't I found something better).

My current job is so much better. I work at a different school, slightly bigger but better organized. It's a higher level, so I can teach more in depth rather than just trying to deal with behavioral issues all day. Of course there's always some issues, but I don't feel unsafe in the classroom anymore. I don't have to waste all of my energy on futilities like kids purposely stealing or breaking my materials, tearing down the classroom, starting fistfights, ignoring/bullying me (and each other), etc. At my previous job, every minute was about surviving. Every class and virtually every student, was something I had to 'face' and 'get through'.
At my current job, most classes are neutral and have fun, good or satisfying moments. There's the occasional rough one, like a class/student that I struggle with or a lesson that doesn't go as planned, but that may be one class out of the ten classes I teach. Or one or two lessons out of the whole week. Whereas it used to be every class, every hour, every lesson. So the balance has shifted a great deal. I can do my job so much better this way, and even enjoy it (or at least feel neutral about it) most of the time.

The main stressor with my current job, is workload vs. time. So much work, so little time. We all know that teachers are stretched thin, and this school is no exception. But the thing is, i'd rather be stressed over a heavy workload (and know that I can do what needs to be done, even if it does cost a lot of time and energy), than deal with the tremendous workload combined with the emotional stressors of feeling unsafe and being treated like dirt all day, and never getting any satisfaction or pay-off. If time is my biggest issue, it's not ideal, but it's still miles better than what I had before.

Aside from work, the other big life change: my boyfriend and I have moved in together.
It's so strange to think that a little over a year ago, I was headed towards becoming a single mom, at the top of the waiting list for a donor, and convinced that I could never have a healthy relationship (nor did I want one). And then I met someone who I only intended to have some fun with, and he turned out to be the love of my life.
It happened so quickly, but it wasn't hurried. We took our time and took it step by step, but things just progressed so naturally and steadily that everything developed so much faster than I could have imagined. We first hooked up in November of 2022, casually. By January, I realized I was in love. By April, we made things official. And in oktober, I proposed he move in with me, and in November 2023, that's what we did.
I love this man to the ends of the earth, he's my favourite person on the planet and I love him more every day. Never have I met anyone who makes me feel so comfortable and safe, I can be myself completely with him, and he does the same with me. He's such a genuine person, so grounded, open minded and honest. At the same time, he knows how to tease me and keep me on my toes, we have so much fun together and he always knows how to make me laugh with the most unexpected weirdness. He supports and takes care of me, without coddling me or taking away from my autonomy. I trust him completely, which is something i've never experienced before. I never knew I was capable of loving like this and having a healthy relationship, but he's proven me wrong. Turns out, it helps to have the right partner, haha. Who would've thought.
In the beginning, being in a healthy relationship often triggered me. For example, if he was "too quiet", i'd be reminded of all the times in the past that i've had the silent treatment, and so I'd immidiately start wondering what was wrong and feeling all that dread come rushing back. But along the way, with my boyfriend being who his is, being so mature, genuine and consistent, I quickly collected good experiences to counter that, and learned to trust him. Now, whenever those triggers arise and I start thinking doom-scenario's, all I have to think is: "Hang on, this is Nick we're talking about."

And sometimes, it would be the good stuff that triggered me, because i'd suddenly discover that I dealt with so much cr*p for so many years, and it turns out, that's not "just the way it is". I'd feel bad for younger me, and the fact that she never knew that love could feel good.

Obviously i'm not magically 'healed'. But being in a healthy relationship is a healing experience in itself, and a good place to work through things and grow.
And having a better job, closer to home, with a consistent income and without the insane emotional toll, also does wonders for my mental health.
So I would say i'm doing a lot better than I was, that's for sure!

Anyway, i'm going to go and put dinner on, as Nick will be home in a bit (and the first one home, does the cooking, haha).
I hope you all are well.

[Armee]

  

Fantastic! So so happy for you!