Starting my journal

[holidayay]

It's hitting me hard and harrowingly so.
It has pierced through all the denial, the various different narratives I told myself over the years. The different ways in which I blamed myself - and others who weren't to blame - about the consistent terror, fear, anxiety and unhappiness that I always lived with.
I literally grew up in a home surrounded by bullies. Everyday was being humiliated, berated, belittled, raged at, shamed. It was so tiring trying to find the pattern to it to make sure I avoided it that my mind has become a maze of unfinished puzzles full of why, how, what, why, why, why? And how could this have happened, and for so long?

I remembered how normal it was for me to feel at blame. I remembered earlier when I hit my head on the shallow end of the pool as a child, feeling the hard concrete slab bang against my skull, and my first thought overridng the pain was how embarrassing and stupid I was and how everyone will think I'm dumb and clumsy and boisterous and I'll make everyone feel awkward and annoyed and enraged as I quickly tried to get the hot tears away. I had a strong belief that no-one will know what to do with me if I was in need or in pain and I'll just ruin everything for them and they will humiliate me - because that's exactly what my mum did. Every. Single. Time.

Its so unfair. I just can't believe a child lived their life like this and adults around them never noticed or cared and actively encouraged this silent shame and invisibility. It hurts so much. I could never be a child: it was like my mum expected me to be a fully grown, fully equipped, brain fully matured and resourceful and skilled and apt at everything and anything from the day I came out, ready to FINALLY take care of her unmet needs. It SICKENS me.
I hate narcissists; I truly loathe everything about this disorder, its absolutely repulsive and ruins lives and causes endless destruction and annihilates souls and for what? Just so the narcissistic person can grow old, their delusions maintained with them?
It disgusts me. I see no purpose to it whatsoever and the fact that it just seems to get worse over the years - why should we let these people roam free? WHY! And to allow them to breed for the child to take on the full force of secretive SOUL DESTROYING abuse is horrifying - people get shocked as ADULTS when narcissists treat them narcissistically - so how on earth is it that society seems to consider it no big deal that these people can breed and their children be subject to their awful abuse?

I'm so sad my childhood was snatched away from me, over and over and over again.
By a jealous, angry, bitter mother who wanted full control and manipulation over me. By a mother who hated seeing a child have joy and fun in their life.
I hate that I can't even look at bodies of water the same - she ruined every day trip we took on a hot summer's day to the river with the other families. I look at rivers, and the foam and the bubbles and the murkiness of the plants and mud and the small dark fish and it all comes back....the full force of the depression, anxiety, guilt...as I wanted so badly to go swimming and paddling with the other children but always felt the ever-present threat of my mum's unpredictable wrath, threatening to embarass and ostracise us from our family friends...people were getting sick of her and me, by proxy. I felt like I had to justify the trips to my mum and work overtime to create an atmosphere and a reasoning that could make her happy and keep her pleased enough to want to stay taking us to these day trips...all the while she would viciously bat away my desperate attempts and declare it was heathen or evil or what sinful girls did to want to have fun(!!). SO MUCH PRESSURE and in the end, it would always end up ruined anyway and i began to believe those days out weren't for people like me, like my family and i stopped knwing how to enjoy them, how to enjoy socialisng.....

I live near a river now and it is so beautiful but it breaks my heart that i am still living in that state where i dont know how to enjoy it and instead, it just brings back awful memories associated with shame and guilt for wanting to enjoy it, against my mother's rants and desires to keep up locked up, basking in the same misery that ruled her own life.

HOW DARE SHE. If she wants to be miserable, locked up, then go ahead! There were other parents who wanted to take us and not have us miss out - you could just stay behind mum, if you want to, and not make absolute sure that we would end up living your misery too. But NO, of course NOT, you couldn't let that happen, could you? You wanted us to 100% feel the misery of your misery...and even that wasn't enough! You locked us up yet hated us and would just rage at us and treat us with such contempt and venom.
What even did you want, mum?
WHAT would have made you happy? Nothing. Nothing good or kind. Just bullying, raging, us being your emotional punching bags for your unmet delusions of grandeur, wanting to be exalted and constantly praised and raging when this did not happen.
I hate you for the monster of a personality you did not work hard enough to not let ruin our lives and take away my ability to enjoy my own hobbies and interests. Everything has a dark tinge, a dark association, a flavour of trauma to it that knocks my breath away and renders me hopeless and confused. 

[marta1234]

Holidayay, I read what you wrote. And it's valid. I wanted to also vent out some of my anger, as you were talking about water and swimming.
I feel like traveling is ruined for me. Although I still have many years in front, I feel like the massive trauma that I endured every time we went somewhere will just make it impossible for me to enjoy any type of visiting. 3 years ago I went to a city by myself, to "visit" first time someplace all alone, no family members. I did. But I didn't enjoy it. It was as if all those remarks and arguments were right there, following me around for the day.
We have gone to so many places every year, from islands to countries, and I've hated every time. I can't enjoy a nice piece of greenery, because I get a flashback. I can't enjoy climbing or seeing a small waterfall, because I'm in a flashback. But I hope one day I unlearn those things that I heard, and can stay in the sun without feeling guilty or ashamed.

I hope it's ok for me to share this. Sending you a hug , and I'm right there with your anger (if that makes sense).

[Snookiebookie2]

Hi Holidayay,

I hear you. I just wanted to say I hear what the child version of you experienced.  Your emotions and pain were valid then, and now.

Whilst my experience was a little different,  yours resonates with me.

Your post was passionate and well worded, and it sounds like you're working through your trauma.

I wanted to send support and, if needed, hugs x

[sanmagic7]

hey 

thanks for sharing all that pain.  i'm glad for you that you're being able to put at least some of the blame where it belongs, because that crapola doesn't belong with you.  the shame is on the bullies for taking away so many precious things from you, like enjoyment of beautiful things.  i'm hoping for you that as you continue on this healing path, some of that will be able to be returned to you.  it might have been taken away for part of your life, but not necessarily all of it.

keep going, my dear.  keep healing.  i think you're doing really well.  that was righteous anger you expressed, and i'm glad to see you get it out of you.  sending love and a hug filled with more clarity.

[Three Roses]

I read every word and I'm sorry you went through so much. No child should have to be the scapegoat for a parent, and bear the mystery that you did. May you find a way to shrug off this mantle that was placed on you.

[holidayay]

Thank you each and every one of you who replied. Your replies mean so, so much to me right now.

I've had a bit of a brutal time of it recently, and struggling to articulate, so forgive me for not yet being able to reply as I'd want to. I'm having a session of a new, long-term therapy with a trauma psychologist in an hour, so just gearing up for that but just wanted to stop by and say a heartfelt thanks for your lovely replies.
I will check in soon to say more. Love to everyone out there battling the fight 

[sanmagic7]

hope you have a productive session with your new t, and you find some relief, holidayay.  thinking of you, as i'm having a session this morning as well.  love and hugs

[holidayay]

Toxic shame is my alarm clock these days.
I feel so awful.
I can't find it within myself to have any compassion for myself.

I feel like such a loser. A weirdo. Someone who is lacking in so many different skills.
I look back at my life and realise most of it was lived in a state of feeling like everyone is automatically more 'normal' than me, superior to me and more deserving. Most friendships I had, I felt like I was in a fawn state of mind. Always giving. Why are all these old stories hitting me now?
I don't know who I am. At all.

Don't know what to do with myself.

[holidayay]

I'm going to the hospital.
I cannot take much more of this. Things never get better. They find a new and novel way of getting much, much worse.
I'm kidding myself thinking this beast can be slain.

[Snookiebookie2]

Morning Holidayay

I so know what you mean about toxic shame, although for me it wakes me up around 2am, and I doze back off at 4am.  It's an awful couple of hours! I do get it through the day when I'm triggered but the early hours are the worst.

I find it's linked with perfectionism and self esteem/inner critic issues too. 

I become frightened because of some that I've done wrong. Worrying unleases my inner critic, who beats my self-esteem showing me that I'm far from perfect. And bang - toxic shame!!

I think if I can break that chain, then I'd stop the toxic shame. I'm able to manage it occasionally, in small doses.  But when it's one thing after another then it's impossible



Try to be gentle one yourself and as kind as possible.  And hold in there until this lifts

[holidayay]

Morning Holidayay

I so know what you mean about toxic shame, although for me it wakes me up around 2am, and I doze back off at 4am.  It's an awful couple of hours! I do get it through the day when I'm triggered but the early hours are the worst.

I find it's linked with perfectionism and self esteem/inner critic issues too. 

I become frightened because of some that I've done wrong. Worrying unleases my inner critic, who beats my self-esteem showing me that I'm far from perfect. And bang - toxic shame!!

I think if I can break that chain, then I'd stop the toxic shame. I'm able to manage it occasionally, in small doses.  But when it's one thing after another then it's impossible



Try to be gentle one yourself and as kind as possible.  And hold in there until this lifts

Yes. All of that.....I'm finding that the stuff i shame myself for has now seeped into my sleep and dreams, where its like I am unleashed from toxic shame/harsh inner critic and just react. But these dreams are just too much - always full of family members, the horrible old dynamics coming up and being represented by awful themes which I won't get into right. Its just relentless now.
Every. Single. Dream.
Every time I go to sleep, its feels like I've entered the arena like in that movie Gladiator. I wake up massively adrenalised and even more exhausted.
Is this a deeper layer to it all?

I felt like I was covering quite a lot of groundwork and every time I cover one area, another uncovers it! I am so very, very tired 

[sanmagic7]

 

[holidayay]

I had a very sad and vivid dream about my brother.
My brother who was always demanding, but so dismissive. He used to make me feel like any words I utter are of complete irrelevance and ridicule. He used to look away, ignore or talk over me if I said anything.
He acted like he had needs that were somehow...way beyond and way more valid and deserving in their own right.

In my dream, I asked him how he was...I sensed  he was so sad and confused...as sad and confused as I was at the way mum made me feel, and he just ignored me at first and then charged on ahead to look for other sources of ...giving.

Its weird how i can't see him as any other individual who has to take responsibility and accountability and has normal needs and wants like everybody else....no, he is somehow exalted and uniquely suffering and some kind of massive Greek tragedy that he is the biggest victim on the planet.

[holidayay]

Struggling with more memories, more realisations.

Keep remembering my mother's voice/rants in my childhood.
Chants of wishing for one of us kids to die, especially the 'girls'. Screaming out prayers to God to kill one of us, asking of him 'why can't you do something like make one of them get run over by a bus'.
I heard this over and over and over again growing up.
It's only just fully hitting me how abnormal and damaging and insane that actually is. For a mother to be wishing for this about her own children, in front of them.

Its making me feel angry, enraged, furious and I have a huge urge to confront her and ask her why the * she thought that was normal and that even though she fools other people into thinking she's a good mother and she always denies/overlooks her damaging, toxic abuse - I HAVEN'T forgotten and she IS and WAS a terrible mother and her delusions of grandeur are all based on fiction.
The energy of being this angry, shocked, disheartened and feeling helpless all at the same time is exhausting me and taking up so much of my brain space, mental energy and leaving me lethargic and exhausted. It feels pointless to be bothered by this when there is nothing I can physically do about it - i can't confront her (its pointless, and we are not in contact and even if we were, she would just deny and go into a red hot rage), i can't travel back in time and fix it, and i can never get a new mother.

I'm just dying for some justice, some acknowledgement, some resolving. A sorry. A 'I was terrible to you'. Of course that will never come.

I can't believe how much i went through as a childhood now my outlook is getting healthier in terms of what I believe I deserve in terms of treatment - what i thought was normal was so beyond that, its insane. I had no choice but to accept it as my normal and minimise it somehow.

[Three Roses]

Boy, do I ever empathize with this! My experience in childhood was the same, only not from my mom but my f and sibling.

An apology would be nice, but as you say you're unlikely to get one. Working with reparenting myself has been helpful; I first heard about reparenting myself from the book "Adult Children of Abusive Parents" by Stephen Farmer. It's an older book but a good one.

Best wishes!