Starting my journal

[sanmagic7]

hey, holidayay,

yeah, we've probably all grown up with something outside 'normal', and personally, i don't know what normal is.  i do know that, for me, normal does not contain abuse from anyone, in any way, shape, or form.  the insanity you describe is just that.  i can't even tell you how many years of my life i've spent being in insane situations, all the while trying to make them sane somehow.

no, it doesn't happen.  i think the best we can do is take care of ourselves as best we can, keep healing, and continue chipping away at the madness we've known so we can reach our own sense of 'normal' for ourselves.  love and hugs

[holidayay]

I'm so spooked out.

Just woke up from a nap where I had awful emotional dreams....my sister who betrayed me, wanting nothing to do with me when I was sad or upset and walking right on past me..and then when she was sad and upset by the same things, she came to me for helps and support and I did, I gave her what I wanted when I had been sad....and then as soon as she felt better, she went right back again and the cycle started up again, I would scream and yell at her how could she be so heartless when I had just supported her at her hour of end and would promise myself next time she was down, I would also ignore her, as evidently, she didn't care about anyone but herself.

It was so raw and so real....I realised its triggered by some of the dynamics at work with a few girls being quite similar; girls who want support and being listened to but aren't there in return. It feels far too familiar.

In 2 months, we will all be rotating and frankly, i can't wait to start afresh. I won't have to see them at work again, they've been placed at hospitals far away. Its just so hard to think of what to do to heal from this and not keep ending up in these similar, familiar dynamics over and over again...its like the lure of the familiar is too damn enticing and I don't realise the dangers until its too late.
That's such a scary thought....that I can't even trust my brand of 'familiar' because it means it is toxic. It scares me to even think this.

[holidayay]

I'm so tired.
Being tired/stressed or any other 'negative' emotion seems to be a trigger. Its so hard to look after myself when these negative feelings come on because I am transported straight into the past: unheard, un loved, unwanted and constantly feeling like a humiliation and a failure.

I'm realising today just how much sheer stress i lived with as a child. Constantly thinking, worrying, trying to figure things out, trying to understand, trying to solve adult things for adults and trying to figure out the patterns to avoid getting humiliated/shamed/yelled at.
It was exhausting. I used to sleep for so long; deep, uncomfortable sleeps marred with heavy dreams and adrenalised states. All the while just thinking it was life, it was how things were and no-one ever bothered to ever check up on me.
I didn't trust anybody. I didn't feel safe with anybody. I was constantly on edge, testing them, watching them, seeing what would happen next.

I just can't believe the extent of it all. Waking up properly to just how big it all was, after being forced to normalise it in order to survive, is crippling me.
I used to worry about my eldest brothers and sisters. What they would do next, which would disturb the community and make people ostracise us even more. I worried about when my mum would next have her rages and fearfully dreaded the times she would do it to friends and their parents who again, would not want to associate with us even more.
She was so cold and cruel at home. I grew to get used to the dreaded feeling of anxiety and sickness in my tummy around her. I especially dreaded asking her for anything.
She'd either rage at being 'burdened' or somehow spin it to make whatever i said a reflection of how difficult her life was/is and how hard she has had it and then the guilt comes on...

It all makes me so sick and angry now. I WISH I could face her now, as an adult, and respond to her appropriately. Very easy to be a full-on narcissist, mask off, around young children, isn't it? Did it make you feel all good and powerful, at the expense of ruining my childhood, and blasting my nervous system to shreds?
Are you happy and proud with yourself?
How dare you. The audacity of 'mothers' like you.
My anger is making me vengeful. I wish bad things would happen to you, to hurt you enough to somehow make you realise what you have done. But that is pointless; you just use bad events happening as ammunition to further your narcissistic, victimisation chirade.
But you never are truly happy. And that is your karma.
But what is karma when I am sat in bed, paralysed with anxiety? Thoughts racing through my head as I torture myself about all the things I have recently said and done and wanted and needed - a very specific way of self-torture that resembles the structure of anxiety you conditioned me into, according to your needs and wants?
Its like you still own my mind. You still have the ability to induce panic and anxiety and surges of adrenaline so high, that my dreams are insanely vivid. The other day I dreamt of diving from a building so high, the water was barely visible; the adrenaline an cortisol had been building heavily that day at work and it seemed to spill over into my sleep. it was terrifying.

I would love it if just one day, I could go without questioning and tearing into myself. My inner critic was fortified so heavily by you, mother, it seems like compassion can't ever get a look in. If I try, it is too exhausting and that then triggers it all again.
I guess I just need to sit here and feel bad for a while. Not push it away; that takes even more energy.
I wish my life didn't revolve around simply trying to maintain my nervous state to a baseline level. Its no way to live. And yet, the reality I ignored myself for so long is this what i have been doing since I was a little child. None of it was normal.
None of it was ok, or minimal, as I used to pretend to try to survive.
It was horrific.
It was constant stress 24/7.
It was exhausting and debilitating and I was very unhappy.
And trying to undo all of this ......
I don't have the words yet.

[Three Roses]

 

[holidayay]

I'm moving into my own place next week.
Finally got everything sorted. Its a beautiful small little flat in the city centre, near to the river and close to my favourite shops.
I'm so relieved to be leaving my shared house. My housemates are very difficult to communicate with; one is perpetually negative, sarcastic and judgemental and the other is very territorial, wants his own way all the time and difficult to talk to. I'm done with the portion of my life that includes houseshares. Now I'm in my thirties, I think I've paid my dues.
It made me realise how much I have had to live my life in ways I have not wanted to in the 13 years since I left home. Money was always an issue, so I either had to put up with cheap houseshares with very questionable housemates/landlords, or I was working hard to scrape together deposits for better houseshares. Wanting to choose my area and housemates was always a luxury I didn't have; it was survival mode all. the. time. Thankfully, that's not an issue anymore. Money really does help to give us freedom. Or at least, buy our way out of circumstances we DON'T want to be in.

My sleep is still an issue. I seem to be caught in a lot of REM sleep, with very intense dreams, very emotional and adrenalised. It feels like waking up after being on 20 steep rollercoasters. But, I'm still trying. I have been going on daily walks and yesterday, even started the huge effort of packing up my things. I managed to get all my bedroom done. I'll hopefully be finished today with my kitchen and bathroom stuff.
My good friend is travelling from another city to help me, and to stay for a few days. I definitely need that, I feel like I have been isolated for a very long time, now and its not comforting like when I need time alone. It feels depressing and lonely. So, I'm really glad I have him.

The police got in touch about my siblings' abuse. They have booked one of them in for an interview this coming saturday. They updated me saying she wasn't at all happy and stated she has evidence its a false allegation. I was curious to see what her reaction would be, if she would take responsibility. I'd been advised that typically, abusers band together and get people to back them up, to deny everything. I wasn't sure she'd do that, as i had raised it in the family many times and it had always resulted in arguments, but never denial. Always the usual:
'Don't you ever forget? why do you hold onto the past? I was young, I was stupid'. Mum and other siblings had always supported her but again, never denied it. I guess now her freedom is at stake, she won't go down without a fight.
My counsellor said to me that she thinks ever since my brother committed suicide, I developed a terrible fear of people hurting themselves if I didn't protect them. Said that that stayed with me and caused me to run around like crazy, always supporting and helping my other siblings whilst they only had their own interests at heart.
It was a huge realisation. My sister doesn't care that she hurt me, at all, just that her life and her way of getting what she wants is not disturbed.
Same with my other sisters, who have never bothered to support me in the way I have helped them. By listening, being there, caring for me. Its like we were all just trying our best to survive, and doing what we needed to, to get by. Except our version of that looked different. I thought unity and supporting one another was most helpful. They more lived by the philosophy of them being the centre of the universe, with their needs being most important.
Now I am aware of these patterns, I don't want anything to do with it. A girl from my high school reached out on facebook, said she needed help as she has an abusive ex who is trying to take away her kids. I was amazed at how quickly this felt familiar, and how tempting it was to get involved. But I stopped and thought about it after our conversation ended. She had started with 'i honestly hope you don't think im just getting in touch because i need help...i've been thinking about you and hoping you are ok' before diving right in, and saying she needs a doctor's note to get legal aid.
She had clearly thought of the first person in her friend's list who was a doctor who could provide her with a note. Only, it doesn't work that way. I am not allowed to just hand out notes like that. It has to be a GP who the person is registered with. Moreover, I am a junior doctor - I am not a GP.
I remembered when she'd got with her bf. I was there. We had arranged a reunion and gone out for a few drinks, and then back to a houseparty where there was lots of drugs. It was chaotic and dirty, I didn't want any part of it. She had then asked me to visit her friend's house, who she was mad over, but he had a gf at the time. I said OK as I had travelled from another city for the reunion, and couldn't just go home. After I crashed, I heard them having sex. I remember thinking neither of them have much thought or consideration at all for the fact he already has a partner. Her whole life was chaotic. He had then go on to do to her what he had done to his previous partner. Cheated and left for a better option - a very rich woman who could fund his court case to take the kids.
She is just like my family, it clicked.
Irresponsibe, chaotic, doesn't want to take any accountability, and always wants others to help and rescue her from her own bad decisions.

And I used to be the person who these types of people would go running to.
People like my family are present everywhere. It is not just my family I need to stay away from.
One positive thing is how even though it feels familiar to meet them, it no longer excites me or makes me feel like I've 'met friends'. It feels draining and tiring and off-putting. I'm breaking those chains, its really working! I blocked her a few days later. I cannot move on to better dynamics, healthier people, if these people are still there, popping up and taking me back to dysfunctional dynamics.

The scary part is, not knowing what to move on to. If I'm not getting into very deep, chaotic situations very quickly after meeting someone....how do I form friendships? What do I talk about? What is my personality when other people's time-consuming draining issues are peeled back?
I have a few ideas but not sure yet. And it makes me very anxious and scared. Like I should be working overtime to still please people, to make their life easier, to help them...but having no interest in doing so.
I'm breaking out, by breaking in.

[holidayay]

hey, holidayay,

yeah, we've probably all grown up with something outside 'normal', and personally, i don't know what normal is.  i do know that, for me, normal does not contain abuse from anyone, in any way, shape, or form.  the insanity you describe is just that.  i can't even tell you how many years of my life i've spent being in insane situations, all the while trying to make them sane somehow.

no, it doesn't happen.  i think the best we can do is take care of ourselves as best we can, keep healing, and continue chipping away at the madness we've known so we can reach our own sense of 'normal' for ourselves.  love and hugs

I can SO relate. I don't feel like I quite know what normal actually is, in practice. I can understand it cognitively, but playing it out seems foreign, weird, different.
And boy, the amount of insane situations...trying to make them sane...yep!

[Snowdrop]

Congratulations on your new place! I hope the move goes smoothly.

As I was reading your first entry today, I found it striking how much progress you've made. It sounds like real growth. I'm impressed.

[holidayay]

Congratulations on your new place! I hope the move goes smoothly.

As I was reading your first entry today, I found it striking how much progress you've made. It sounds like real growth. I'm impressed.

Thank you! I guess a lot has changed, I'm still terrified and full of anxiety at moving but...I figured face the fear and do it anyway. Better to be temporarily anxious than continuing to live in a miserable house to avoid temporary anxiety......
One thing I've really noticed, the SLIGHTEST stressor triggers off all the old nervous system heightened emotions, shame, guilt, fear, self-loathing......present problems become obscured with all the old unresolved stuff. A new problem can't just be a problem with its respective emotional reaction, proportionate to what is going on. It makes it SO HARD to think straight and deal with it appropriately....arghhhh.

[Not Alone]

You have a lot of significant insights. Good job taking a step in breaking patterns by realizing the dynamics and not jumping in to help facebook friend.

Glad you are getting a new place.

[holidayay]

Thanks notalone 

I'm all moved in now! So much has happened, I'm still processing it all.
One thing's for sure - getting my own small, cosy place was absolutely the right thing to do. I'm excited to go home everyday and excited for my days off instead of dreading both those things...

I got some unpleasant updates from the police investigation. My 2 siblings denied all the accusations. My younger sister lied and corroborated what they said and told them 'its all malicious lies'. She then attempted to try to get in touch with me, I furiously put a quick stop to that. She then tried via my friends and they didn't fall for it and she turned manipulative and said 'well i have some news from an organisation that would be good for HER so more fool her if she doesn't want to hear what i have to say'. Which is obvious lies, as I hadn't heard from her for months after we parted ways and she messages on the exact day the police contact the family. She is used to emotionally guilt-tripping me into taking all blame so my instincts were immediately that she thought she could do that again. Roll out the 'people will kill themselves because of you', 'you will break up families'.
Yes, because everything that everyone ever does to me, to others, to themselves that somehow means a bad consequence for THEM is my fault.

I used to believe this. I even used to believe everything bad that ever happened around me - even to strangers - is somehow my fault.
There's still that agonizing constant adrenaline and anxiety pumping through me, anticipating what next is my fault.
I'm getting more shocked everytime i realise such things.
I literally lived my entire life adrenalised, constantly anticipating horror, doom and gloom that I would then automatically torture myself and shame and blame myself over. Horrifying doesn't even begin to cover it.

But...there have been good things too.
My friend travelled from another city to help me move last week. He was there when the police contacted me - and he and 2 other friends immediately jumped in to provide statements about what i had confided in them about regarding the case.
I had a bbq with 2 friends who are so kind, gentle and generous.
I've been getting increased pay due to extra shifts i did that were very generous amounts.
My new flat is already a place of safety and beauty.
I've been managing to go to work and even had fun shifts where I bonded with a new team and a nurse took my number - we shared our experiences of mental health and got along really well. A new friend
I cried a lot. That sounds bad but it was actually really good. There were 2 days where all the excess noise was stripped away - all the self-blaming, the inability to allow myself just to grieve, the constant inner critic talking like my mother/siblings did - you are too sensitive, you are too this, its your fault etc etc that always gets in the way of just BEING, just FEELING, any given moment. That all went and i felt the raw, deep sadness and grief. I cried bucketloads - it was incredibly soothing. And I was able to feel compassion and empathy for myself instead of shaming myself for it.
And ongoing sessions with a counsellor who is really amazing.

I still feel like the road is very rocky but at least, as my counsellor said, it now feels like I am at the end of the tunnel as a little light...its small but its there...and it will travel and continue and get bigger.
Don't know where exactly to go from here or what the next stages of healing/recovery are but...that's okay. Maybe sometimes pieces need to come to US. And taking it day by day doesn't sound to bad right about now.

[Not Alone]

I'm glad you have a place where you feel safe. That is important.    Your list of "good things."

[marta1234]

I'm very happy for you holidayay  . You have made immense progress and you deserve all the happiness. I'm sorry about your siblings and their behaviors, but I'm glad you found comfort in your friends and a new friend.

[holidayay]

Meeting new people and trying to make friends - realising my difficulties over the years.

This is doing my absolute head in and the thoughts, examples and realisations keep bombarding me when all I want to do is REST on my weekend off.

Immediately feeling like any awkwardness/silences/annoying or negative behaviour from someone else is absolutely MY fault and that I should do more to make things more entertaining/lighter/easier for others. I literally feel like a piece of garbage in these situations and that others are absolutely seeing that in me too. My core self-beliefs are just hideous.
I feel like anyone who looks at me sees a useless, reckless, boring, idle, weird loser who they quite rightly want to get away from as quickly as possible and I'm being audacious just by trying to ignore this and sticking around.
This hurts so much.
I'm really, really struggling with this this weekend and realising how many times over the years I ruined things for myself by believing in and listening to this above and acting on it - withdrawing, hiding or shutting down parts of myself, minimising myself, criticising myself to shreds, tearing myself apart.
I just don't feel like I am entitled to anything. At all. Least of all good, healthy friendships and relationships.

Who am I kidding???
I have been wired up to hate myself. I don't even have a sense of self or sense of importance in myself at all. I can barely recognise my own needs.
My time I should have been spending growing up was instead spent learning about and adjusting to the whims, needs and temper outbursts of others around me - my mother, brothers and sisters. I know how to do all that VERY well instead.
This makes me so angry. My years of development, growing and stages of life were completely all taken away and instead replaced with a learning growth about the pathetic whims of psychologically disturbed, delusional, grandiose abusers. What a waste. And now I am spending more time to unlearn all this?
I want to scream and yell at the injustice of it all and how angry it makes me feel - HOW. DARE. THEY.

Everything in life...I first see through the eyes of the abusers...to see how it will make them feel, think and act. So then I can prepare myself for how I should feel, think and act accordingly - to the ways which will mean the least amount of humiliation, shaming and terrifying for me. There is no 'I' or 'me' who see the worlds through my own eyes, my own sense of being. I don't feel entitled to that - I don't even know HOW to do that.
This realisation terrifies me.
What if its too late, I'm too far gone, there is nothing of 'me' to salvage for I never really got the chance to exist, come into existence? I feel like I've built the shell sturdily but there's absolutely nothing inside. I'm really scared.

[sanmagic7]

holidayay, if i may say so, i don't believe for a minute that there's nothing inside you.  the reason for that is the self-reflection you've shown, the actions you've taken, your ability to relate to others' situations, your empathy, and your willingness to continue sharing in order to find answers, among other things.  these attributes of yours come from a place of heart and soul, of guts and determination.  that's not an empty place at all.

you've just made a big move, and congrats on that.  please, give yourself time to settle in.  i know that patience with ourselves, especially when we've made a transition, can be difficult to come by, but i hope you can treat yourself well for all the work you've been doing.  you deserve to be treated well.

sending a hug filled with love and support.  and, by the by, just cuz someone else blamed you for their actions doesn't mean they were speaking the truth.  their feelings, actions, reactions are not your fault, not in the least.   

[holidayay]

Oh my goodness, thank you for this. It was the insight I didn't realise I needed to hear. It means so much  and really helps to lighten the load.

holidayay, if i may say so, i don't believe for a minute that there's nothing inside you.  the reason for that is the self-reflection you've shown, the actions you've taken, your ability to relate to others' situations, your empathy, and your willingness to continue sharing in order to find answers, among other things.  these attributes of yours come from a place of heart and soul, of guts and determination.  that's not an empty place at all.

you've just made a big move, and congrats on that.  please, give yourself time to settle in.  i know that patience with ourselves, especially when we've made a transition, can be difficult to come by, but i hope you can treat yourself well for all the work you've been doing.  you deserve to be treated well.

sending a hug filled with love and support.  and, by the by, just cuz someone else blamed you for their actions doesn't mean they were speaking the truth.  their feelings, actions, reactions are not your fault, not in the least.