Starting my journal

[holidayay]

I've been shopping today. Instead of the usual 'should I buy this? can I really afford/justify it? Let me hang on and see if I can find anything cheaper...' - I just bought a few items I really want and have wanted for a while. I deserve it, I told myself.
It has been a VERY heavy 2 weeks.
Moving in, getting police updates and all the emotions that come with those updates, then working a 6 day week - during which I dealt with the family of a terminally ill patient who ended up dying far quicker than expected.
I am e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.
So retail therapy was my solution today. Out with the old, in the with the new. I got a designer bag and purse....after years of buying cheap tat/second-hand, it felt really good.

It keeps hitting me though - these brief flashes of 'oh my god, did I actually report my own siblings, specifically my brother, who my mum has always treated as a victim, and has infantilised him. I just picture his sad face. The police detailing out to him his sick actions. Something nobody has ever really done - and something I never, ever felt like I could do with him - even with daily minor transgressions. I have some kind of weird stockholm syndrome when it comes to him. He is this very vulnerable, misguided, immature guy in my head, who is easily wounded, has very low self-esteem, and tries to constantly cover up for all that. He has been mistreated as much as the rest of us by my mum.
i wonder what happened - it makes my heart pound and I feel all panicky - did the police knock on the door and knock him for six with the allegations? Did he feel the terror and dread and depression and anxiety when they turned up - the kind I have so often felt and wouldn't wish on my worst enemy? Did he feel shame and humiliation? Did he argue, fight back, cause a scene? Was my mum in hysterics, going beserk? I have no idea....
And what about my sister? Did they lay out all the lewd details of everything I told them - she absolutey HATES being made to feel less than, and like she is somehow a sordid, villianous person - I can imagine she would have felt extreme shame that she can't handle than resorts to anger, outright denial and twisting of stories to smear the name of the accuser so instead, everyone thinks of them as the villain. Did I cause her to feel a huge amount of shame - this time, harder to worm out of, because the police are an authority that she can't just squirm her way out from.

But...she did those things. As did my brother. Them. Not me. Nor anyone else. Them and as horrible as I feel for how it must feel for them to be taken into police custody, interrogated, shamed and probably to feel fear, shame and god knows what else....what about me? I have felt all those things since my earliest memory. I have to remind myself of me.
I just can't believe I did it. I burst through the fake facade and narrative of 'great, normal loving siblings and family dynamics' which we all pretended we had, and lived by for so long that it became a reality. Does he feel betrayed? Did I blindside him by agreeing passively for so many years to go by the fake narrative - never challenging it so he felt like it was safe, that it was all just a mistake and in the past - and then suddenly out of nowhere, hitting him up with this? He did at times help me in his adult life...gave me lifts, money, support....and I accepted it and thanked him....how does this fit with the uglier narrative of the police investigation? Does he feel sad, betrayed?
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
I just wish it had never come to this.
But I couldn't keep up that lie anymore. It impacted me greatly, what he did. To ask and plead with me - as often other family members did - to forget and brush it under the carpet - was driving me over the edge. The endless shame, nightmares, humiliation, fear I suffered was never taken into account by him. I cannot just dismiss this.
But it doesn't take away from the fact that I still care about his feelings. Its so confusing.
I don't even know what will ever happen if I ever dare to get in touch with any of the family. Will they hate me forever? Do they sit and wonder why I came out with all this now, and think its just because I want to ruin their lives?

[sanmagic7]

you know, i've gone thru a similar situation myself - not w/ the police, but bursting out of the facade i kept up for my ex and what he's done.  i've shared w/ some friends who know him, and i can relate to some of the emotions you're going thru.  the bottom line is that it feels good to speak my truth.  like you, i've held it in for many, many years, absorbing the toxicity that goes with doing that.  i congratulate you, my dear, for speaking out, pulling back the curtain, and exposing  your abusers for what they are. 

as far as their feelings go, who knows what's going on with that?  only they do.  many abusers certainly don't like having someone call them out on what they've done, but the courage and strength you showed is amazing.  abusers count on their victims to remain passive in order to perpetrate the lie.

please, give yourself time for this to settle, ok?  i don't doubt it'll take a while.  you ripped the band-aid off these wounds, and they'll need time to heal.  but, by doing so, they will no longer fester and infect you.  bringing them to light helps the healing process along.

keep taking care of you, ok?  sending love and a hug filled with support and caring

[holidayay]

you know, i've gone thru a similar situation myself - not w/ the police, but bursting out of the facade i kept up for my ex and what he's done.  i've shared w/ some friends who know him, and i can relate to some of the emotions you're going thru.  the bottom line is that it feels good to speak my truth.  like you, i've held it in for many, many years, absorbing the toxicity that goes with doing that.  i congratulate you, my dear, for speaking out, pulling back the curtain, and exposing  your abusers for what they are. 

as far as their feelings go, who knows what's going on with that?  only they do.  many abusers certainly don't like having someone call them out on what they've done, but the courage and strength you showed is amazing.  abusers count on their victims to remain passive in order to perpetrate the lie.

please, give yourself time for this to settle, ok?  i don't doubt it'll take a while.  you ripped the band-aid off these wounds, and they'll need time to heal.  but, by doing so, they will no longer fester and infect you.  bringing them to light helps the healing process along.

keep taking care of you, ok?  sending love and a hug filled with support and caring

Thank you! Your intricate understanding of it all is so invaluable.

Interesting update....I have found a forum board on which my younger sister has posted all about me - obviously anonymous - but the details are intricately ours. I am so surprised - in a good way - at what she wrote. Have no idea what to do - there's evidence there about the abuse which the police would want to know - and she shows a very different side to her than the one she is actively taking which is to deny any awareness and to stay out of the investigation. She's caring and asking for advice on what to do as she is 'heartbroken' that her 'sister cut her out of her life'.
I don't understand why she doesn't show this side to me and instead constantly allows herself to be a flying monkey for the abusers...what should i do, if anything? I'm currently NC with this younger sister...I thought I could make a anon profile and post back to her to get some answers as a pretend bystander...hmmm. Thoughts, anyone?

[Snowdrop]

I have a couple of questions.

Does reading what she's posted change your feelings about being NC with her in any way?

Also, would responding as a different persona make you feel as though you were being drawn back into family matters?

Whatever you decide, I support you. It's a tricky one.

[holidayay]

I have a couple of questions.

Does reading what she's posted change your feelings about being NC with her in any way?

Also, would responding as a different persona make you feel as though you were being drawn back into family matters?

Whatever you decide, I support you. It's a tricky one.

It really does change my feelings about being NC with her. I've been severely affected and astonished by her lack of empathy, care and understanding she has shown since she moved back home 2 years ago - before that, we were very close and she displayed empathy and compassion towards me. Reading her speak freely, anonymously, without the family made me realise how she has perhaps fallen into the 'flying monkey' role. She is saying that she is heartbroken to have lost me, doesn't know what to do, and that she is torn because she has tried for years to support me but now she's living with our family and eldest sister - my eldest sister who did the abuse is always hysterical and upset and tells her lots of reasons why SHE'S a victim and needs support and is very emotional in front of the kids that she feels the only way to help her is to pass on messages to me. Those messages are the ones that hurt me and caused me to cut her out.

On the other hand, I absolutely do not want anything to do with the other family members or getting sucked back in.
I basically want my younger sister how it was before - without the influence of my abusers. I don't think I should have to negotiate on that considering the trauma. But obviously that's not something I can decide for my younger sister and this is where it gets complicated.

[sanmagic7]

off the top of my head, i'd be careful.  i certainly understand you wanting to reconnect w/ someone with whom you were close, and there's nothing wrong with that.  my concern comes from the idea that she's again living in the midst of the very people who have hurt you, and she's hurt you by her involvement with them and towards you.

how do you feel about becoming a different, anonymous, person in order to gather information from her?  had she any idea that you're involved in forums such as these?  was this a pure coincidence that you happened to find this post?

just some questions i'd ask myself.  i think giving it some time is a good idea.  see how it settles w/ you, if it would enhance your life to go ahead with your proposal.  i've been in a situation where i wanted to write my ex,   my t suggested i sit w/ it for a bit, and i'm glad i did.  i think that by writing to him would bring up more worries in my own life - did i say it correctly, explain enough, should i have said more? less?  so far, and i've been thinking about this for nearly 2 weeks, that answer is coming out to leave it be. 

whatever you decide, tho, i support you.  you'll know what's best for you in the end.  i believe these types of things are very tricky and there is no simple answer.  love and hugs

[owl25]

I wouldn't go on there in the guise of another person. The reason being that if you do, and she finds out somehow that it was you, it will be a betrayal of trust for her. I also think it would only further complicate your situation, even if she didn't realize it was you. You will then have a "secret" to hold on to if at any point you do reconnect with her.

It sounds to me that if her post is genuine, and it changes things for you, there might be room to try and bridge the gap with her, but in such a way that is safe for you. I am thinking mediation with a therapist who has expertise in couples/relationships/family therapy. That way you can start a conversation that is safe for the both of you, which gives the most chance of both feeling heard by the other. Feeling heard helps work towards repairing and problem solving the issues in the relationship.

I would definitely go slow on this and take your time with it, so you can make well thought out decisions. Your safety is the priority throughout all of this.

[holidayay]

Thank you for your thoughts, guys. There's a lot of useful stuff in there, and which I will mull over.

I ended up calling her from unknown withheld number. I probably maybe should have waited, as suggested above, but I had been feeling particularly upset and missing her desperately before I'd found her posts, which just bought everything to the surface.

It started off a bit awkward. There was the back and forth of misunderstanding, again. But then I firmly put down my rules on being spoken over, not listened to properly, defensiveness etc and she listened. And I listened in turn. She suggested family therapy with a mediator. Which given current COVID may be a good time, as we can do things remotely via video call.
I let out everything from my side. She listened and explained things from her side. Told me where she was at with the family. Then we spoke over everyday stuff. Just generally catching up.
I said to her I didn't know where to go from here yet, as trust for me takes time to rebuild.

One thing that was very evident though, was just how true advice that had been given to me back when I started establishing boundaries and putting my foot down - that I had to not back down, not step down in order for her to GO THROUGH learning curves, understand there's consequences for her actions/behaviour, and to give her the chance to experience hardship without giving in to her tantrums and entitlement by always backing down and being the saviour. She had to have boundaries installed and given the chance to experience everything i always wanted to shield her from so she could grow up and begin to understand. She told me how the past 2 years at home had been an eye opener - how she had to be the one to take charge of our other sister's manic episodes and that our brother had developed schizophrenia in that time and she had to get him sectioned. She even said herself at the end 'i've been thinking how this is something i've had to go through, to see it all and understand it for myself'.

There were still some elements of the old dysfunction, however. When asked direct questions about her behaviour that was hurtful, she attempted to deflect/try the old 'what about you...' and dish out my shortcomings. I stopped her each time and said 'this is exactly what i mean by the narcissistic traits you use and i will not stand for it'. She listened and said 'it hurt when you call me a narcissist' and i said to her 'because you have in the past used gaslighting, pretending and denying truths, deflecting, constantly turning the argument on me every time i raise something up with you and yes i do think these are narcissistic tendencies that i think you can work on'.

All in all, it confirmed what I had thought. That once any of us gets caught up in the family dysfunction, the enmeshment and recruiting of 'flying monkeys' and triangulation causes even the more reasonable members of the family to turn on one another and become dysfunctional. And that she does have emotional immaturity that whether she has made real progress or not - whether what she said today was just for show (i can't really ever know) - its not my job to deal with that.

So I think going forward, I am going to suggest to my therapist the idea of family therapy. I will see what happens.
The whole thing today also taught me about me. I don't have much emotional maturity when it comes to dealing with new things myself - I become extremely panicky, adrenaline pumping, feel the need for it to be resolved and approached as soon as possible instead of being able to sit with and process things and let things stew. Not act out of urgency and a feeling of loss of control. I've realised how things DON'T escalate when I'm not around the wrong people - that when new things happen, the rest of my life outside of that one thing happening remains the same and I am not in sudden jeopardy. That the new things happening can unravel and unfold slowly and they don't require urgent solutions for fear of things getting MUCH worse, or my nervous state becoming hugely overwhelmed with responsibility put on by others. Things for me to work on, I guess.

[Snowdrop]

You are brilliant.

[Not Alone]

I wouldn't go on there in the guise of another person. The reason being that if you do, and she finds out somehow that it was you, it will be a betrayal of trust for her. I also think it would only further complicate your situation, even if she didn't realize it was you. You will then have a "secret" to hold on to if at any point you do reconnect with her.

I agree with what Owl said, although since you phoned her, maybe it isn't an option anymore.

She suggested family therapy with a mediator. Which given current COVID may be a good time, as we can do things remotely via video call.
I let out everything from my side. She listened and explained things from her side. Told me where she was at with the family.




There were still some elements of the old dysfunction, however.

That your sister is willing to participate in therapy and the conversation you had with her sounds very encouraging and positive to me.
As far as "old dysfunction" that is not a surprise since you both have more healing to do to break out of such a dysfunctional upbringing.

[holidayay]

Thanks for replies guys, I'm really struggling to think about the events with my sister at the moment as my mind is suddenly obsessed and freaking out over friendships and loneliness. I'll reply properly to the other messages when my head is a bit more clear. Why can't my brain just be worrying about one thing at a time? Its like I can't even do anxiety/depression right or properly, as though I'm even defective at being defective.
I'm really struggling today.

My inner critic has gone wild. I keep having thoughts that my problems of misery and loneliness are circular because my mental health issues are preventing me from getting close to people - and being isolated and not allowed to socialise freely as a child meant I am socially developmentally arrested and don't have long-term childhood close friends or a friendship group from school I've kept in touch with over the years who are close-knit and have seen each other through many things and know each other intimately....and therefore its probably too late for me. I am 31 and really struggle to have self-worth...when im socialising around new people, I'm constantly worrying if they are enjoying themselves with me, or if they think I am weird, and what i should be doing/saying to entertain them/make them feel at ease. I feel like an outsider looking in. And the thought truly terrifies me that its too late for me. What if it is?
I don't know how to do friendships without getting overwhelmed/poor boundaries. I always feel scared they will leave me if i truly ask for things...even just to meet up - will they think i am desperate, weird, clingy? Will they just want to run away?
I don't know.
My mind won't stop racing about all things friendship-related, its so confusing.

I'm just really scared. In all honesty, I feel like the 4 year old girl, who has already developed a firmly-held belief that I am unloveable, unworthy, boring, ugly, annoying and worthless....and have been put into a class with other kids, and I'm sitting next to them worrying about what I should be saying or doing to make them like me...and years later, here I am again. Why is this happening??

[Snowdrop]

Is it possible it could be linked to talking with your sister? It may have stirred things up for you emotionally. Maybe it's taken you back to being the 4 year old girl?

I hope you can be gentle with yourself. It sounds as though you have a lot going on.

[rainydiary]

holidayay - your post resonates with me today.  I am having similar feelings and flashbacks and questions.

I appreciate you sharing - your post felt very familiar and it helps me to hear others articulate their journey because it makes me feel less alone. 

[holidayay]

Is it possible it could be linked to talking with your sister? It may have stirred things up for you emotionally. Maybe it's taken you back to being the 4 year old girl?

I hope you can be gentle with yourself. It sounds as though you have a lot going on.

I think that definitely added to it, though I was descending before that too. I don't really believe in it but all this talk of mercury retrograde making us feeling out of sorts...the timeline is more in line with that. A desperate part of me hopes it is true, as supposedly it ends today haha. Fantasy thinking got me wishing I'll wake up tomorrow and the vibes are suddenly different, better

[holidayay]

holidayay - your post resonates with me today.  I am having similar feelings and flashbacks and questions.

I appreciate you sharing - your post felt very familiar and it helps me to hear others articulate their journey because it makes me feel less alone.

I'm glad they help you and sorry to hear you are experiencing something similar. Your reply helps me too, to feel less alone 

I have a friend who is going to call me soon so hopefully that might help lighten the load a little.