Starting my journal

Started by holidayay, August 18, 2019, 09:49:18 AM

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BeeKeeper

Hey stilltrying,

very glad you are writing more in your journal. This is my take away for today:

QuoteI'd wrack my brain continuously, furiously, to think of what to say, do, give, BE to make sure people liked me and wanted to be around me.

I've read that finding a place of dual recognition and the will to change is the ticket, but still out of reach.


Papa Coco

Hi Stilltrying,

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this dip in your path to healing. You are right, it's not a linear path. It's filled with detours and cul-de-sacs that we find ourselves having to visit from time to time before we can move forward again. I guess it took decades to get us this twisted up, so it's going to take some time to untwist our emotions too.

What you're describing sounds like the fear of annihilation, which is something I wrestle with from time to time as well. I've seen the word pop up on a few other posts on this site also. Apparently, it is something you can find a lot of empathy for on this forum.

If you do a quick google search on "fear of annihilation" resources pop up to tell us that it's all about Trauma. It has to do with our diminished sense of self worth, which was given to us by unskilled parents, authority figures and unkind peers a long time ago.

The good news is that you are not actually going to be annihilated, even though you feel like it. This is trauma. Pure and simple. Trauma. Your fear of annihilation is a normal reaction to the monster that is trauma. We're all fighting this monster with you. That's why I'm so grateful you brought it up in today's forum posts. So we can share in the fear with you, and maybe all of us can find some comfort with each other as we each tell our own perspectives on this same fear.

Here's my own personal perspective: The word annihilation describes it so well because I think it's the strongest word available for how I feel at times. For me, it feels like it's my job to somehow stay connected to the earth itself, without any love or help from my protectors, and if I ever fail, even for a second, the earth's gravity is going to let go of me, and I'm going to shoot off into outer space, and all my trillions of molecules are going to release their connection to each other and I'm going to scatter out into the universe and cease to exist at the cellular level. For me, I suspect it has to do with feeling ignored by my parents when I was an infant.

For me it comes with a sense of sheer panic. My therapist doesn't seem surprised that it happens to me, like it might be a common attribute in other C-PTSD survivors. He is quickly able to calm me down if it happens during a session.

Hang in there, my friend. You are not going to be annihilated. This feeling is TRAUMA, pure and simple, and you've got lots of google articles, and you've also got friends here who are happy to explore this fear feeling with you.  You are not alone. It may feel like it, but here, you are not alone.

sanmagic7

hey, stilltrying/holidayay, it's so good to have you back!

so very sorry about what you've been going thru in the past year.  one thing you said about being a burden to others if you have success, look and feel pretty, etc. struck me.  to me, it seems that holding back all those natural things about yourself for the sake of others could be an even bigger burden for yourself. 

i'm glad to hear you're getting back into a self-healing mode.  with you all the way with that.  sending love and a hug filled with caring comfort. :hug:

stilltrying

Quote from: Papa Coco on September 29, 2021, 02:05:47 PM
Hi Stilltrying,

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this dip in your path to healing. You are right, it's not a linear path. It's filled with detours and cul-de-sacs that we find ourselves having to visit from time to time before we can move forward again. I guess it took decades to get us this twisted up, so it's going to take some time to untwist our emotions too.

What you're describing sounds like the fear of annihilation, which is something I wrestle with from time to time as well. I've seen the word pop up on a few other posts on this site also. Apparently, it is something you can find a lot of empathy for on this forum.

If you do a quick google search on "fear of annihilation" resources pop up to tell us that it's all about Trauma. It has to do with our diminished sense of self worth, which was given to us by unskilled parents, authority figures and unkind peers a long time ago.

The good news is that you are not actually going to be annihilated, even though you feel like it. This is trauma. Pure and simple. Trauma. Your fear of annihilation is a normal reaction to the monster that is trauma. We're all fighting this monster with you. That's why I'm so grateful you brought it up in today's forum posts. So we can share in the fear with you, and maybe all of us can find some comfort with each other as we each tell our own perspectives on this same fear.

Here's my own personal perspective: The word annihilation describes it so well because I think it's the strongest word available for how I feel at times. For me, it feels like it's my job to somehow stay connected to the earth itself, without any love or help from my protectors, and if I ever fail, even for a second, the earth's gravity is going to let go of me, and I'm going to shoot off into outer space, and all my trillions of molecules are going to release their connection to each other and I'm going to scatter out into the universe and cease to exist at the cellular level. For me, I suspect it has to do with feeling ignored by my parents when I was an infant.

For me it comes with a sense of sheer panic. My therapist doesn't seem surprised that it happens to me, like it might be a common attribute in other C-PTSD survivors. He is quickly able to calm me down if it happens during a session.

Hang in there, my friend. You are not going to be annihilated. This feeling is TRAUMA, pure and simple, and you've got lots of google articles, and you've also got friends here who are happy to explore this fear feeling with you.  You are not alone. It may feel like it, but here, you are not alone.

Wow. Reading this was astonishing, THANK YOU.
I'd not come back on this website since posting until today and read this tonight and felt so touched by this message, so incredibly comforting and safe and kind. I'm going to save this for future reference.
I am so happy we all have each other as you said, to explore this messy, tricky terrain together and this kindness and comforting words from a stranger on the internet tonight helped me to feel that bit safer to navigate all this stuff  :grouphug:

stilltrying

Just woke up from very poor sleep. Constant dreams, constant mental chatter.
I was dreaming I had been given a few hours to check my answers in an exam.
I went over it meticulously and kept finding and re-finding new errors, new ways of perfecting what I'd written.
At one point, the exam required me to change a TV channel to my horoscope (haha) and a girl I had helped out a lot was walking in front of the TV. I asked her to changed the channel, thinking she'd be happy to help since I had helped her enormously, and she wasn't. She didn't help. I became angry and resentful and frantic and the more I looked at my answers, the more errors I spotted. I couldn't correct them all quick enough! and time was running out but i didn't know by how much. I asked someone else to check for me and struggled to help me with that too.
Woke up just now very frantic.

Writing all this...it doesn't sound too dissimilar to how i felt about my healing journey - revisiting the past and the trauma and the way i did life 'the first time round', to try to undo the damage, correct it, make a better go of things this time round...and none of my family want any part in this journey, and nor do the narcissistic men/friends I've met who i thought would be on board with my healing since i felt i had always given them a lot....and yet it just doesn't work like that. People don't give because they remember you were there for them when they needed you. At least, narcissistic people don't. They don't give at all, but happily take, take, take.

Urgh. I feel like I am not doing the healing work fast enough, correctly enough or something enough. Why am i still having days where i feel so down, so anxious, so unworthy and slip back into habits of trying with people who are selfish?

stilltrying

Feel a big cloud of depression today.
Hardly done anything.
Managed to brush my teeth and not much else. I've been in bed mostly.
Ate unhealthy fried food for lunch, which is probably not gonna help but no energy whatsoever.

Cancelled PT session, dreading dinner tonight with my friend and 2 other girls i haven't met.
Just want to stay by myself and not see anyone. I feel useless - why am i always this same failure - constant depression, anxiety, flashbacks etc etc.
Days like today feel like they will never get better.
And I feel ashamed to be me, to have my issues.

stilltrying

Well, I got through the day. I ended up cancelling on everything because it was a 'everything is way too much and not just something to push through' kinda day.
I went for a little walk though, and my friend called me, and that helped.
Cleaned the flat too and now resting with a cup of tea.
I feel like a failure because I've felt so bad all day and couldn't get out of it. Which seems so silly. I wish it wasn't so difficult just to allow myself to feel bad/have a bad day without it then developing into feeling...out of control, scary, doomed. Its just a feeling afterall.
But no. I could barely concentrate on tv, i really had to drag myself to clean - usually a chore I enjoy and get relief out of, but not at all.

My close friends are coming to stay with me tomorrow.
We have lots of lovely things planned. And we are all open with our struggles so I know I don't have to fake happiness either, thank god.
Now I'm kinda excited.

Just....the thoughts still niggle away and scare me - do days like today mean I am doomed? What if i am never capable of having a family because of days like that? Days like today push me right back into...not being able to trust people, not being able to connect, or even be present. No-one wants a partner like this..?

stilltrying

There's a particular abrupt waking up process that happens to me every so often, I'm dreaming of hectic scenes, with lots of things happening and emotions flying high, then suddenly there's a sharp 2 knocks on the door which jerks me awake. It sounds so real but when I wake up, i realise the knocks were in the dream. It feels so jarring and scary - who is at the door? what do they want? why can I never finish the emotional journeys of the dreams and get to the end of them, where they are resolved? It feels like they get caught up tight in my chest, never seen all the way through, not fully processed, no-one comforting me through them.
Sigh.
It feels so heavy on my chest and fluttery and nerve wracking in my stomach. I'm tired just thinking about going through it.

stilltrying

I'm proud of myself. Did a bit of reparenting today and...it worked!
I'd come down with some kind of bug earlier. Had a headache, muscle aches, runny nose and hot and cold flushes. I went to bed and sweated profusely, and had very rushed dreams and racing thoughts in between the broken sleep.
I woke up pretty exhausted and drenched in sweat. And started having that familiar feeling of panic when I am unwell, like when  was younger, and no-one was there to comfort or help or mop me up. I went into freeze state,feeling like i couldn't even go for a wee.
But then i reminded myself...i am not there anymore. And now I DO have ability and tools to help myself. So I spoke to myself like I would my niece or nephew when helping them...very softly, comfortingly, and went to relieve my bladder, and have a refreshing shower. Got myself a fresh pair of pyjamas and applied lotion. Then made myself some soup and drank water.
It sounds so normal and not a big deal. But it is for me, somehow. When you're used to being made to feel like a burden on a normal day, being ill takes it up a notch and always leaves me feeling even more powerless, helpless, alone, scared and like i need to minimise as much as possible on the days i needed the nurturing the most. I would freeze and try to stay out of sight. No-one would take me for a hot bath, or bring me a warm meal or hot water bottle. All these things I learnt in adulthood.

So, this is me doing all those things for myself and my inner child to treat myself differently, to do it a better way, to prioritise my needs and health and self-care.
And it worked! I feel so much calmer, fresher and less anxious about being ill.  :hug:

Armee

That's a very, very big deal. You were able to stay present and have self compassion and provide care and nurturing to yourself. We all know that even though that sounds normal it is devastatingly hard.

stilltrying

#235
Quote from: Armee on October 21, 2021, 04:30:50 AM
That's a very, very big deal. You were able to stay present and have self compassion and provide care and nurturing to yourself. We all know that even though that sounds normal it is devastatingly hard.

Thank you Armee  :) It really is a task when it wasn't modelled to you. Like I realised I just used to shut my eyes and hope to fall asleep and ignore all my immediate physical needs when ill or when needing to go to the toilet and didn't realise how much of this was just autopilot behaviour from when I was very, very young. I've been actively working against it and it becomes nice after a while...I look forward to having the need that i can then meet and feel the comfort of, after.

Today I carried it on as best I could. Turns out my muscle aches and fever are due to COVID; had a positive lateral flow test today. Had a tough few hours when flashbacks/trauma things in general came up which I'm still working through in therapy and had panic moments that i can't do both...be ill and harbour all the trauma memories and feelings and my mind started spinning and racing...thoughts started to spiral and tough memories came up which i could barely muster the courage to face so i did my best to distract myself with movie..then burst into tears at night.
Sometimes it feels like everything bad we experience in life will be doubly bad when our symptoms are in full flare up...being ill isn't just being ill, its also feeling even more powerless, exhausted expending energy trying to manage flashbacks and getting little rest from sleep which is fraught with bad dreams and difficult emotions that we have less reserves to simply deal with the present problem at hand: less energy to use to look after ourself and to fight the symptoms of being ill, less mental reserves to withstand the frustration/isolation/stress that being confined to your bed will cause and so on and so forth. No, CPTSD will always need feeding first and if it isn't fed, it will get angry, hungrier and louder. Almost menacingly so. Or at least, that's how it feels. And I know, mostly it wants to be fed compassion, kindness, self-care but the circular thing with it all is CPTSD by its very nature makes us less likely to know how to do the very things it wants from us in order to be fed and satisfied. Its like all the bad coping mechanisms we use instead can be likened to the effects of junk food: the more of them we feed CPTSD, the more likely to is to suffer the bad effects such as a sugar crash, addiction, low moods.....this can take on the flavour of bad dreams, flashbacks - both emotional and images, jittery amygdala.... Come to think of it, this is a pretty good analogy. It might be helpful to write a list all the 'good foods' for CPTSD - the things to feed to healthily versus the bad stuff....things such as talking kindly to myself, being nurturing versus ignoring needs, self criticism etc.

On a positive note, my therapist emailed back to say we could have our session via zoom tomorrow morning, so at least i have that extra bit of support still. I can talk to him about the flashbacks today Being young and seeing my beloved Dad ill. Seeing the cancer spread and emaciate him over time. I wish beyond belief I could have just one more precious day with him, to hug him, to bring him a cup of tea, to let him know i love him.
I don't want to push away his memories anymore. Even the painful ones. He was real, and is my dad and everything he went through was real. I want to go towards them and process them and have his memory be a part of me, instead of some foreign scary chunk of me which i have split off and try to steer clear of, out of fear. I'm terrified of what the emotions will do to me, if i face them. All the things I witnessed back then were too much, too heartbreaking for me. If I go towards them, will my heart actually shatter...will I shatter and not be able to continue anymore?

Armee

All this was so beautifully written. And I am so sorry you are sick.  I hope it moves on past quickly. You're really right about how much harder everything is when CPTSD in the mix.

But mostly I want to offer a bit of comfort for the memories of your father being ill and dying. It would be beautiful to be able to embrace all that sadness. It might feel like your heart is shattering but I can't help but think it would be more like breaking free than breaking. And I hope it is ok to say I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss and also you are lucky to have a parent worthy of that much sadness and grief. I'm sorry he is no longer with you and you had to see him suffer.

stilltrying

#237
Quote from: Armee on October 22, 2021, 02:26:24 AM
All this was so beautifully written. And I am so sorry you are sick.  I hope it moves on past quickly. You're really right about how much harder everything is when CPTSD in the mix.

But mostly I want to offer a bit of comfort for the memories of your father being ill and dying. It would be beautiful to be able to embrace all that sadness. It might feel like your heart is shattering but I can't help but think it would be more like breaking free than breaking. And I hope it is ok to say I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss and also you are lucky to have a parent worthy of that much sadness and grief. I'm sorry he is no longer with you and you had to see him suffer.

Thank you ever so much for your kind words, reading it made me burst into tears (in a positive way) as i felt the compassion and as an extension of it, felt it for myself. Yours is a beautiful way to look at it - 'more breaking free than breaking'. I read your message just before my early Zoom therapy session and it paved the way for me to open up to him about the memories.
I still get so touched by people's kindness.
The therapist surprises me with kindness beyond what I've seen from other therapists who lead with perhaps a more neutral approach - something i read in Pete Walker's book can be less effective for CPTSD where relational healing is what is most needed. He said to me he'd rather not have had next week off now as he wanted to be there to give me support and that having both COVID and the trauma stuff will be far too much of an ask to deal with by myself and to let my friends knows i'll need them more during this time. He also said so many comforting things like to make sure i am feeding myself nourishing meals and to be resting as much as i can and that 'god knows you've deserve it' and to watch whatever i enjoy.
I've never had someone be involved with the support element when i've been ill, like this. Its amazing the difference it made.
Instead of ordering unhealthy food, I made myself a vegetable mix and mushroom soup.
I watched my favourite movie and laughed a lot, at all the funny parts.
I even messaged more friends than i usually would, as he suggested, and told them i was actually struggling more mentally than with the physical symptoms.

If it helps anyone save time and money - i've tried many different types of therapy and whereas some have been quite useful, nothing has been as powerful as this current one (somatic therapy) with a therapist who knows in-depth about the nervous response and the 4F responses, what trauma does to the body, etc.
He has taught me to bring my attention to the vagal response in my body - often in my breathing, restless legs, queasy tummy, painful pressure on the back of my head and painful lump in throat feeling. Feeling it, allowing myself to feel rooted to the ground underneath me through my feet, placing my hand on my heart as i bring attention to how i feel and comfort the child in me who went through so much horror.

I'm so grateful for this website too, its such a safe, secret space for me and everyone who responds is so kind  :grouphug:

stilltrying

Day 5 of isolation.
Fever seems to have all but gone. Leg muscles and back of head still a bit achey.
I felt very queasy this morning, kind of nervous.
The anxiety and panic from a few days ago have gone thankfully, and I've managed to do the things i needed for myself which i worried i wouldn't cope with: online grocery shopping, cooking healthy meals, showering, household chores.

Another layer of this CPTSD thing is unravelling. I'm betting other people can relate to this: that feeling of almost being on a spin cycle when dealing with a new layer of trauma effects popping up: very scary and heart-pounding at first, urge to resist feeling/thinking, try to distract, all becomes too much, accept to lean into it and slowly processing it...then it feels okay. Then a sudden bam as a new layer comes up and cycle repeats.
It feels just as terrifying each time.
I'd been trying to figure this one out for a few years now. Friendships. Why it was I had mostly chaotic, one-sided friendships, which never seemed to last. How I showed up in them. Why I felt weird and otherworldly around healthier friends: insecure, less than, embarrassed, like my life held up far too starkly crazily next to what i assumed was the picture perfect ones they led which made me retreat from them.
It was me - my disturbed self image, how i related to myself, how disconnected i was to myself. I only felt 'normal' and 'okay' around chaotic friends because those types of people were the same as my caregivers, their behaviours and dynamics were what i knew.
Running away from people who were healthier because i assumed their lives were perfect - because i was insecure and afraid to be seen as less than. In reality, some of those people i DID give a chance to - they were nice, sweet, reliable but their lives sure weren't perfect. There was always some reliability at one point or another if i stuck with them long enough. But I didn't, my insecurities always got the better of me. And I wish I had now - i wish i had started all these realisations and the bravery to act on them much, much sooner.
I have a few people from childhood on social media. One i speak to every so often. But I don't really know them well. Truth be told, i can remember feeling as disconnected, unsure and undeserving from as young as 5 years old. This makes me so sad and depressed that...i had CPTSD ruling my life for so long and has made me miss out on long term friendships.

I feel like childhood friendships that last sound magical. Movies which show the characters in photos as friends since a young age, then growing up together, going through teenage years than to university and adulthood, attending each other's weddings....it makes me feel so depressed to see that. I feel like its another beautiful area of life snatched away from us. And i don't even feel regretful anymore like 'i wish i could go back and do it differently' because i distinctly remember how i felt during those formative years and beyond where the CPTSD symptoms were SO strong and paralysing, there was no way i could have done it differently. I used to try to rack my brains as a child to think of what to say or do with the other kids to bond with them, to be like them and i just couldn't get beyond the freeze state. Even if i did say something, i was so disconnected from myself, it always came out as something odd or forced and it was obvious other kids picked up on that.
The truth is, the world view we have from a young age comes from our interactions with our caregivers and siblings around us at home. Mine was disturbed from the early beginning. Friendships didn't have a chance by the time i entered school, aged 5. That was 5 years of CPTSD-forming daily life.

Throughout my 20s, thoughts would creep in to alert me about the truth in this area of my life. But I always batted them away and rationalised my situation, the chaotic friends i had, the obvious pattern of no healthy, long term, stable friendships which were two-sided. I didn't want to face up to this and feel hopeless. Recently, I've faced up to it. And it does feel depressing. And bittersweet. I have the truth, and the responsibility to accept my part to play in it to help me not continue to make the same mistakes. I no longer beat myself though when i have these realisations: why didn't i know sooner and DO something about it. Because i remember the full pain that caused these problems. I remember being the child that was filled with this pain and it is incredibly unfair of me to expect her to have figured it all out and undo all that damage by myself - it would have been impossible.
The effects of being nurtured, cared for, seen, heard can only be given by others. It doesn't matter how resourceful we are, children cannot give themselves these things. And the effects of it are so vast.
I do wish life had been different. I still remember how i used to view the girls and boys in my class in primary school and later high school....and its pretty shocking how mistrustful, suspicious, insecure, fearful and also mean my thoughts were about them. I'd immediately assume they also would degrade, berate, shun and hate me. If i did have a successful playtime with some of them, the next opportunity i might feel too scared and then shun them.
I sabotaged and ruined budding friendships without even realising what i was doing. I always felt if i did disappear from someone's life, i'd be doing them a favour and they'd breath a sigh of relief. It never occurred to me people might even care.

Argh. My thoughts are so convoluted here. I feel sad and depressed. I wish i had a few childhood friendships that have lasted. I wish i could be attending weddings of friends who i have known for decades, where there'd be other people from the past - familiar faces of a comforting time - catching up, who we all have known....but i don't have that. In the past, I've tried to hastily always work towards what i've missed out on and try to attain it now. But sometimes, that isn't possible. I do have some better friendships now. But these decades-long childhood friendships, i don't have. And maybe its okay to just sit with the sadness at missing out, and process all the emotions that come with the realisations.

stilltrying

Day 6 isolation.
Sleep has been terrible. Lots of rushed, frantic, adrenaline-filled dreams.
These kinds of dreams have been happening all of my life, for as long as i ca remember.

Scenes of distress that I haven't necessarily experienced - such as burning buildings, trying to rescue people, people myself at harm's risk by trying to stop the fires. Themes of death, loss, fear, danger, perplexing situations. Sometimes the scenarios are so odd, random, peppered with different people from different stages of my life.. But always full of emotion, pounding heart, flight-or-fight. Panic, panic, panic.
I'm guessing this is another part of CPTSD. Seems like amygdala hijacking whilst I am sleeping. Its like a mad race to try to solve, fix, save a desperate situation and i never can get to that part where it is resolved and dealt with and i can now relax.
I am always on edge. I've felt that way for as long as i can remember, since I was 5. Always panicked, always worrying, always anxious, scared, always worrying about how i should be feeling, reacting, talking, behaving....no way of being ever gave me peace within my family - they were too dysfunctional to even have a consistent type of dysfunction. And there were too many of them to try to always appease anyway - one demanded a certain way of being, then another would demand a different one that contradicted the other person's so i'd always be at risk of upsetting and feeling the wrath of someone. Its infuriating to realise how much pressure adults put on me; completely recklessly.

I woke up absolutely exhausted. I think I'd have felt more rest if I hadn't slept at all.

I wish I could get into meditation/yoga/breath work - maybe this will help my system feel a bit calmer? Turn off the flight or fight response?