Starting my journal

[Armee]

I'm really glad your therapist emailed back. From what I read in your post you were massively massively triggered and reacted from that place. Your T should have handled it a bit more graciously but also maybe there was no way to win so to speak. I'd love to see you go back and try again. These layers need to come off and then we rebuild again, build ourselves up from the core. You are going to be yourself. Your adult self again, which contains the wounded child, but also so much more.

I love what you did with your profile. I would much rather be friends with an authentic person like you than someone else trying to be perfect.

I'm modifying this just to add I had a huge huge rupture with my therapist after about a year. It was so painful and he royally messed up so badly. Because I was desperate and because I also had a lot of faith that he could help me with everything except the category he messed up in, I stubbornly stuck with it even though it was knock me to the floor painful. I am so so so glad I stuck with him specifically. We are a good combo and both are learning and I am healing actually really fast and deeply including the stuff he initially messed up on. I don't think we should hold them on a pedestal but accept they are human, and with trauma there are going to be times things get messy that we need to rebuild from. Both parties need grace and accountability to keep moving forward. 

[CactusFlower]

And...its my birthday this week. All of my favourite people will be in attendance.

I hope it goes well for you!  Mine is Monday.

[holidayay]

I'm really glad your therapist emailed back. From what I read in your post you were massively massively triggered and reacted from that place. Your T should have handled it a bit more graciously but also maybe there was no way to win so to speak. I'd love to see you go back and try again. These layers need to come off and then we rebuild again, build ourselves up from the core. You are going to be yourself. Your adult self again, which contains the wounded child, but also so much more.

I love what you did with your profile. I would much rather be friends with an authentic person like you than someone else trying to be perfect.

I'm modifying this just to add I had a huge huge rupture with my therapist after about a year. It was so painful and he royally messed up so badly. Because I was desperate and because I also had a lot of faith that he could help me with everything except the category he messed up in, I stubbornly stuck with it even though it was knock me to the floor painful. I am so so so glad I stuck with him specifically. We are a good combo and both are learning and I am healing actually really fast and deeply including the stuff he initially messed up on. I don't think we should hold them on a pedestal but accept they are human, and with trauma there are going to be times things get messy that we need to rebuild from. Both parties need grace and accountability to keep moving forward.

Wow, thank you. I so appreciate you taking the time to post such a heartfelt message.
I'm inspired to hear you were able to make things work with your therapist after a rupture, and your advice that both parties need grace and accountability to keep moving forward made me consider things differently, and also - was beautifully humbling. I did before believe we were a good combo too, there was a good rapport and understanding of each other. And shared understanding of our preferred model of healthcare related to mental health (I'm a medic). I think I needed a bit of humility this week after acting out and being adamant he is to fully blame, lol. Anyway, I agreed to go back tomorrow. Hopefully it will be helpful.

I agree these layers need to be peeled back and rebuilt. I just wish it was a bit easier! I read something yesterday about the 'Tower phase' in healing/'awakening' and it so accurately conveys what I've been experiencing. I'm just so frightened of what's at the other side - why let go of everything that has been carefully constructed and is known to work (well, until it doesn't haha) when I have no idea what else to yet do???

From this article:  https://diaryofanawakeningsoul.wordpress.com/2020/02/16/tower-phase-of-spiritual-awakening/

Reflecting back on my awakening journey, the 'Tower moments' – those wrecking ball events I experienced – were perfectly designed to demolish the external structure of the life that I – as the ego-self – had unconsciously built.
Dismantling from the outside in
I was broken down on so many levels, it was extremely challenging and relentlessly chaotic.
A blessing and a curse, these Tower moments shook me to the very core of my being and forcibly cracked me open.
The deconstruction of these beliefs created a huge destabilising effect on an internal level. The old paradigms of truths I believed were fast disappearing.
At its core was the dissolution of my ego-self framework, and this created the deepest feelings of fear, desperation, imbalance and total loss of control.

Entering the void
Reeling from the loss of my old life, my personality-self had to adjust to an acute feeling of nothingness. Nothing that I had built or known existed anymore. It didn't know how to operate in this terrain of no worldly structure.
The old paradigms of beliefs, goals, planning, achieving and tick-listing experiences were becoming redundant – they just weren't working or they were losing their appeal.
Suspended in this space of not-knowing and lack of control was hugely uncomfortable and fearful to my personality-self. It was bleak, there wasn't a future it could perceive or map out and this translated into a fear of of the future, even death.
Yet a deeper part of me sensed that in the rubble of change there was new space to grow and evolve, to carve a new path, to create a better way to live a harmonious, connected, light-filled life.

Moving on from the Tower moments
This sense of defeat and helplessness in the face of the full force of life's shocking blows led the transition into the Hermit Phase of my awakening. This phase had a different essence to its challenges, focused more on an internal breaking down rather than shocking external events.
In the Hermit phase I withdrew from my external world and embarked on my most important work: the raising of my consciousness through the exploration of my inner landscape.
Much of the time I had to navigate deep despair and spiritual depression as my personality felt utterly lost in the darkness of the Hermit Cave.
This was an internal rewrite of who I truly am.

[holidayay]

And...its my birthday this week. All of my favourite people will be in attendance.

I hope it goes well for you!  Mine is Monday.

Happy birthday month to us! 

[holidayay]

Its early morning on my birthday. I feel sick. I've got therapy today. And then my friends are coming tomorrow to celebrate. I want to hide from it all.

I wish I could switch off all the fear and anxiety swirling in my stomach. The thoughts and memories and shame are a LOT today.
I keep remembering the ages of 18-20. Those years were some of the most challenging of my life.
Leaving home, moving to London, without any clue about life there.
London is brutal for the disenfranchised, or for anyone struggling. It is cold, unyielding, harsh, demanding, unforgiving. At least, that was my experience. The pace and pressure tipped me over the edge. I couldn't wait to leave.
I've been back here for the past year and thought I had developed a different relationship with the city, that all the associated feelings from my first experience were now over. Its all coming back to me this morning.

I don't have much strength to face it all right now,

[holidayay]

Anyone else's healing journey going up and down very rapidly?!

I did go back to therapy on Friday. And I was glad I did. We talked a bit about the things that had happened when I was triggered, and I was pretty honest about it. I said I had initially felt upset with how he dealt with it, and that I would have done things differently if it had been my patient and taken heed of what they say triggers them and that he never even called me back - i told him I thought maybe him being male, meant a slightly different level of care and innate understanding. But then I also said I had reflected on what Armee said here about both parties needing to take grace and accountability in the therapeutic relationship and that I hadn't acted very well towards him either, and had been very angry and abrupt in my emails to end therapy. We also spoke about the other things that had happened this week and that I feel like I'm plateauing with progress and that it feels like its never going to get any better, and I am so lost and confused and don't know what to do anymore.
By the end of it, I felt quite reassured and safe again. He was very kind and reassured me that feeling lost is normal for the journey as it all unravels, and that it is important to keep going. He said some really kind things which made me cry too. It felt like it was more like the old dynamic again, before the eruption or rupture. He also set me a challenge to try not to contact him when i feel the urge to end the therapy, and instead bring it to the room to be discussed. He is away next week so I'm a bit nervous about not having the regular slot, but maybe it will be good for me. Who knows.

On the bright side, I went to this adorable rustic little restaurant for my birthday yesterday, with some of my friends. It was soooo lovely, I actually felt - for the 4 hours that we were there - so much warmth and connection and that life made sense again. No anxiety, no queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, or abject loneliness. It was just full of laughter and I have to say, I have some pretty amazing friends who are so kind, empathetic and really talented - it was so great to listen to their stories of their individual work and skills and opinions and experiences. I felt quite a lot of gratitutde in that moment. Maybe I should do more of  gratitude list more frequently - supposedly it helps.

Anyway. Today is rainy and a bit cold and I woke up to big anxiety and shame. Sooo, it was back to the low point. I made the mistake of staying in bed to avoid dealing with it all and now I feel worse. I just can't be bothered. My dreams were so intense. I dreamt my therapist was with his partner who was a male and i was a child/teenager in the dream who was acting out, and they were youth workers helping troubled youngsters. I was very sassy and had a big attitude and did it purposely to get attention in the dream, and then my therapist found out his partner was cheating on him because he couldn't cope with supporting him through his dad'd death and I said to him 'your partner can't cope with your pain, that's why he has betrayed you'. Haha. What crazy storylines.
Apparently dream narratives represent different parts of us/our needs coming up as different characters and stories - i guess it isn't a huge stretch to allocate what needs/parts of me this dream and the characters represent. Still, I'd rather not have such intense dreams. Anyone else feel like you've been run over by a truck when waking up from one of these types of heavy emotion-laden dream??

Also - I decided to go away next week. My friend in Switzerland invited me over so I got on my 'just do it' attitude and booked my flights. It'll be my first time travelling in 4 years soooo I'm excited (+ a bit nervous!). i hope it'll be the break to my routine that I need, and that I might get some new fresh energy and mojo whilst I am out there. Tired of feeling down and out, exhausted, bored and disillusioned with life here and that 'daily grind, monotony' feeling weighing me down.

[Armee]

Wow you should feel so proud of yourself! Just going back and then being able to speak so openly about what happened and how you were feeling is amazing! That is something I've only been able to start doing a little bit of. That's really huge progress in my   opinion. 

Your birthday and friends sounds amazing. Maybe gratitude lists help but treating yourself to things that give you  that joy and connection is also super important. Again, great job!

Sorry you felt down today. I often have those almost like backlashes to good things, where I am not allowed to feel safe or connected and then my brain like ratchets up all the * to remind me I'm supposed to be small and stay safe and disconnected.

There are so many ups and downs with this stuff but really over time it seems to improve...lows less low, highs more high.

[Mary Ann]

So glad you had a good time with your friends
Doing a spur of the moment trip away sounds great too...nice to be spontaneous sometimes. Really hope you enjoy it and it goes well.

[Hope67]

On the bright side, I went to this adorable rustic little restaurant for my birthday yesterday, with some of my friends. It was soooo lovely, I actually felt - for the 4 hours that we were there - so much warmth and connection and that life made sense again. No anxiety, no queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, or abject loneliness. It was just full of laughter and I have to say, I have some pretty amazing friends who are so kind, empathetic and really talented

This is lovely - I'm glad you enjoyed your Birthday with your friends.  I would like to wish you a belatedly Happy Birthday. 

Hope 

[holidayay]

Thanks for the lovely sentiments all!

I came back from Switzerland yesterday. Had a pretty refreshing break there visiting my friend. It is so scenic there, and the lake so beautifully clear! And great timing too, it was 33 degrees and a party put on by the lake at night.
I still had my nightmares and sleep disturbances and some dissociation/difficult emotions whilst I was there but I decided just to take it onboard, that its a part of me for however long and not let it stop me. It wasn't easy at times, I did need some quiet time and extra naps throughout the day but my friend is understanding and she was working anyway so I had lots of breathing space thankfully.
I also had a little holiday fling, haha. I mean...hearing men speak French is pretty appealing  I spoke to a few guys on a dating app and one of them came to visit the city I was in and we spent 7 hours walking, sight-seeing, eating and chatting a lot. Sometimes a girl just needs a fun date! I went to visit him at his city the next day and it was pretty good for my healing, to be honest. The last guy i really dated was nearly 2 years ago who was grumpy, constantly giving me the silent treatment whenever i didn't succumb, and also sullen, sulky and liked to put me down. An experience like that during recovery really can put us back, I found myself constantly surprised during these 2 days when I could say whatever I thought/felt, he didn't get angry or punitive, and he was just....well, normal (though of course, what is normal? non-abusive, in this case).
Anyway, I'm back home now and getting ready for another date this evening. I met a guy last week and he asked to meet when I returned from Switzerland so...well, why not. We're going for a walk and a bite to eat.

I'll also need to move out within the next month, our flat is up for renovation this summer. I'm trying not to get too stressed and anxious and go down the rabbithole of catastrophising - where will i live?? What if I can't afford it? Or I have horrible new housemates?? I can't afford my own place yet, so I am nervous about potential new housemates...I started looking yesterday on a site where people offering rooms provide descriptions of themselves/the kind of person they're looking to share with, and there were some good sounding profiles on there so, fingers crossed.
I hate change. It brings up....so much. I hope I can stay calm and navigate this next chapter with some ease, at least.

And I'm back to seeing my therapist this friday. He was off last week so its been 2 weeks since our last session. I'm a bit nervous, not really sure how it might go after the last few sessions and my previous outburst. But, I'm quite proud of myself - he set me the goal of not emailing him to cancel when i felt the urges come up (I've done that a few times in the past) - and I didn't! I mean, mostly i was preoccupied with other things so i didn't have time to sit and stew and come up with outlandish reasons to DEFINITELY NOT TRUTST HIM or go near therapy, so that has helped, lol. But I also did just sit with the feelings/thoughts if i did start ruminating and they weren't so strong as to urge me to ghost him. Is that....progress? I hope so.

I'm gonna go and get ready now. I'm a little bit nervous, my self esteem is always a bit skewed before a date - I don't feel like I was all that interesting or attractive last week when I met this guy, so I'm a bit unsure why he wanted to go on another date, but i'm trying to remind myself its likely just my inner critic talking, he wouldn't have asked me if he wasn't interested. Arghhhh, why can't i be more healed. Just a little bit more, haha.

Anyway - I hope everyone is having a lovely week so far - and thanks for the birthday wishes from last week! 

[holidayay]

We have to move out in a few weeks. The flat is up for renovation.
Moving, again.
The stress is causing me to go downhill again.
I'm waking up every day in a jolt of panic and a rush of thoughts that seem unstoppable. Its early morning now and I've woken up extremely stressed again, my heart is pounding and my stomach queasy and my head feels heavy. I can't think straight at all.
2 days, the loops of flashbacks started up again -  moments from the past where I felt scared, ungrounded, anxious, depressed.
It is so hard to stay centred during all this or to have a break from it where I can actually switch off from it. 
I keep trying not to think about it - the enormity of it really scares me - but my childhood and the way my mum was are so terrifying. I was so alone, for so long, and the lack of support and care was so scary.
Its scaring me to think of now. Its too big and unfixable.

[Armee]

Sending some love and acceptance your way. It is huge to move especially with what you've been through and ptsd to boot. It's scary and unsettling. Flashbacks suck. Sorry you are going through that.

[holidayay]

Sending some love and acceptance your way. It is huge to move especially with what you've been through and ptsd to boot. It's scary and unsettling. Flashbacks suck. Sorry you are going through that.

Thank you. I've tentatively enlisted the help of some friends. Spoke about my spiralling symptoms and fears and told a few friends of what change and stress does to me. The morning was awful and scary with lots of flashbacks and waking up in a panic. Listened to a podcast which was incredibly soothing - gave me enough calm to tidy up my room and make my bed a comfy and safe spot, and tackled some of the admin tasks I've been putting off. Had a nice afternoon eating a takeaway with my friend and watching netflix.
I'm nervous about the rollercoaster ahead and know its gonna be bigger dips than the usual....its nerve-wracking, like constantly riding out a huge wave and just as the calm settles, another one brews. I really, really hope this change is going to be OK. My friend who wants to move with me wants the same thing as me: a base for the next 5-10 years and one which we can make a really home. With a garden and a bathtub and a cosy living room with lots of plants. I wish I could just have this one thing fully sorted and not always up in the air every year - the safety base. A safe haven that is more permanent. If there is a god, pleeeeease help make this happen.

[holidayay]

I listened to a song this morning, that I used to be unable to sit through without crying a few years ago. The chorus in particular used to make me freeze and and the rush of pain it triggered would cause me to question over and over whether I would ever make it out of that despair. It felt like the pain had swallowed me up and the world could never be experienced differently again.

It was when I had first cut off all contact with my family and nothing, no experience, even as mundane as going grocery shopping, could be done in a different way, without them.
I spent most of my time indoors, relying on my boyfriend and friends. I couldn't even go out to the garden without the familiar sights of everyday things triggering  me into how I could never experience those same things again, in the same ways.

'How do I live? How do I breath? When you're not here, I'm suffocating,
I want to feel love, run through my blood
Tell me is this where I give it all up?

When I heard the song today, I sat up and though it retains its powerful vocals in its own right, it just didn't have the same paralysing effect as it did back then. There were no trauma memories evoked, no relating to the lyrics in a heart-wrenching way, relating to the heartbreaking rhetorical questions posed in the chorus, about separation, loss, abandonement.

I suppose I wanted to come write this here because i never would have believed it back then. My mind and emotions seemed intent on urging me my whole life was over, there was no love or happiness to be found anywhere and no progress to be made beyond the painful conclusions back then.
But it wasn't true. The excruciating weight of that pain did lift. It doesn't strangle me anymore.

Healing isn't perfect. It'll never be linear. My entries since 2019 show the up and down nature of it. But, what hearing the song this morning showed me up, overall, the trend is upwards. The waves of pain related to separate trauma DOES lift, it CAN be resolved.
And now the pain associated with this song is just another memory in a past chapter of the healing journey.

[Armee]

Oh this is so great!!!!

I agree with how you describe healing and these moments where you can really see how far you've come are so helpful and joyful.