Starting my journal

[Papa Coco]

Holidayay

I resonate for sure with your poor self-image. I can't even look in mirrors in public because I think I'm too ugly. Others say I'm not ugly. But I say I am.  I know now that I really am a kind and compassionate person, because so many people have told me that I am. But at first, I didn't believe them. I thought they were placating me. Or worse; in my family whenever I got a compliment it was for the purpose of buttering me up. They wanted something from me, so they groomed me with compliments so they could more easily take something from me in return. I always said that in my family, if they gave me a candy bar, I'd find out later I owed them a steak dinner. Every kind thing they ever said or did for me was a prelude to taking more from me than they'd given.  Sociopaths! And when I was younger, I worked in a restaurant and lounge. I was a straight male, but I was also slender, clear skin, thick hair, and very kind and quick to smile. People often misread my signals. I was being friendly. But I still had a lot of men say kind things to me, only to later be invited to their house for the night. I never took up any of their offers, but it led me to a long life of being suspicious about people who were complimenting me.

When you talk about how the other doctors are trying to undermine you out of jealousy, it makes me think about the path that Narcissists and Sociopaths take in life. According to Dr. Martha Stout of Harvard University, 4% of all humans are born sociopaths. That's 1 in every 25 people. But when you look at careers that attract them, such as chefs, surgeons, clergy, politicians, lawyers, law enforcement, etc, the saturation is much denser. She says that about 30% of all business leaders, doctors, ministers, etc, are sociopaths. Then she says that about 50% of all prisoners are sociopaths.  In other words, they are attracted to positions of power so they can tell other people how to live their lives.

The thing about the medical profession is that it not only attracts sociopath power mongers, but it also attracts the opposite; empathic, caring people. So in your profession, your peers might be more polarized than in other professions. I was in aeronautical engineering for most of my career, and I found that most my peers were average people, with a few sociopaths and a few empaths sprinkled in. But I'll bet in the medical field, it's more like most people are either empathic like you, there because you truly care about other people, or sociopaths who are there because it excites them to tell people how to live their lives, and they get their jollies whenever they get to say "Yes. I'm a doctor."

I really hate sociopaths. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. I'm sorry you are dealing with so many of them. But at the same time I'm happy to see that you are also working wtih a number of very empathetic, compassionate people as well.

I like to recommend to everyone to take a look at Dr Stout's Book: The Sociopath Next Door. It really helped me. I felt like it opened my eyes and gave me the superpower to be able to spot sociopaths as if they had a spotlight shining on them. It also helped me to get better at dealing with them.  In your profession, you're likely to meet a whole lot more of them.

[Armee]

Resonate too, with the sheer shock of being not only ok but liked on multiple levels. I believe it for you but know how strangely disconcerting it is to have your conviction of your own self image be turned upside down.

[Hope67]

Hi Holidayay,
It's nice that your colleague has told you those things - and I hope that your positive feelings carry through and you feel that much deserved positivity. 

Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok 

Hope 

[holidayay]

Its been a very busy few days. I had to complete lots of online modules and update evidence for my online appraisal, and finally got the bulk of it done yesterday. We have to do it once a year and it is just not a very fun experience, lots of tedious paperwork and reflections. After I was done,  I felt like I had used up the very last drop of energy in me, that was pushing back against the burn out that has been rumbling under the surface for the past few years.

I. am. spent.

I am so glad my psychiatry post has now finished. I had nothing else to give. The problem is, now I am so burnt out, when I suddenly stop and have free time, its like where on earth do I even BEGIN, to start replenishing my energy and feeling like myself again? Or feeling like the NEW ME, the one who isn't chronically stressed, depleted, low self esteem, depressed, unsure, full of shame, full of self-doubt...

My sleeps have been filled with dreams of my last consultant. Her passive aggressive ways. The dream was about another doctor who wanted maternity leave, a girl I knew from many years ago who loved to bad mouth others and went on to become a urologist, then to work in pharmaceutical medicine (or so linkedin tells me). The consultant  was frowning down upon this. I spoke up and my consultant got angry with me and went into a silent rage before saying 'that doctor doesn't like you anyway, you know, why are you speaking up' and I replied, 'because whether she likes me or not, its about my belief in the moral value of the situation and without that, with me staying quiet now to save face, sooner or later, it'll be me in the firing line'. She alternated in the dream between storming away and seething at me with words that suggested my references and credibility would be at risk if I continued to stand up against her.

I am so very tired of it. Unsupportive, callous, cold consultants who seem to be on a power trip and use the power yielded by the hierarchy to use me and others underneath them as an emotional punching bag. 'I had it rough so now its MY turn to pass it on and get my vengeance'. I can't bear it.

I feel pretty depressed and forlorn this morning. Hopeless. My dreams feel very far away.

My friend texted me some links to writing courses, though. I love writing. That has always been a constant, since I was 5 years old. It gave me an identity from an early age when all the adults in my life failed me. I want to explore these courses but I am scared....writing is still a sacred, untouched passion. Untouched by the perils of capitalism, or the sting of rejection, or even...the cold, hard reality of life. What if I take it out of its sacred space, into the glare of reality, and it becomes a source of pain and hurt and no longer the one constant salvation in my life? My friends keep urging me to write, even just for myself. Not for anyone else to read, or to utilise as any source of income, but for it just to be for me. My own expression.
I just don't know.
I've lost so many things I once found so sacred, and I can't bear to go through that again.

[Armee]

Maybe just write a little on your own, as a test, to see how it feels? Given how you feel right now I would probably think about staying away from classes till you feel yourself out a little.

I tried pushing past that comfort point with something sacred to me feeling strong enough to try and it shut down something I love. Tread lightly, tread safely....but it's OK to tread.

It seems cruel that becoming a doctor is so exhausting before you even start. That system has to change. 

[holidayay]

I am so sad today. Not angry, or depressed, or numb.

Unbelievably sad. I miss my family, i miss my sister, i miss parts of the past.
I just want to go back to the period of 2012-2017. Before everything blew up, before I felt like I had to really face up to everything, and the sham of pretending i had an okish family couldn't hold up any longer.

I cried several times today. I felt the sadness in all my pores.

My sister, who i cared for deeply, who did not show the same care in return and we parted ways, i am sad for her. For all her sadness and that she may feel alone. I know I do. I used to try my best to take care of her. I haven't even seen her in a few years now.

I just want to cry and cry and cry.

[holidayay]

I have gone from sadness to extreme anxiety over the last 5 days. The anxiety crept up and built up to a huge level, to the point where I couldn't stop catastrophising, having racing thoughts and being very hard on myself for being a failure. It wouldn't let up until finally earlier this evening! I had a quick chat with an old friend from medical school, went for a walk and then did some cleaning and sat with my friend to watch netflix and finally felt calm again.

Therapy is on hold for another week, last week I did a last-minute shift to make sure I have some income this month, so I couldn't make the appointment, then got into an argument with my therapist when i tried to cancel and next week he is on holiday. Therapy is irritating me these days, it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Yes, yes, all part of the process, etc. I'm just irritable.

But at least I now feel calm again. I'm really glad about that. I've found watching youtube vlogs of 'influencers' (the ones that focus on mental halth) can be quite relaxing, its like watching somebody else's normality and chit-chatting about their lives brings an element or ordinary calmness, or something. Not sure, can't articulate myself well tonight.

[Hope67]

Hi Holidayay,
You articulated really well (in my opinion) - just wanted to say that. 

Glad you've reached some calm again, after all that extreme anxiety you had.

Hope that today is a nice one.

Hope 

[holidayay]

Hi Holidayay,
You articulated really well (in my opinion) - just wanted to say that. 

Glad you've reached some calm again, after all that extreme anxiety you had.

Hope that today is a nice one.

Hope 

Thanks Hope

I went away to x2 sunny islands for 5 days last week. My friend and I just went for it, booked the tickets on a whim a few weeks ago, as they were very cheap.
It was pretty good to get away. The sunshine was amazing, the beaches stunning, and the local wines and food so tasty.
I came home and cried and cried. So many emotions had come up. Thoughts of family, cost of living crisis, feeling burnt out from working in healthcare..I cried for so long. I feel better for it.
After that release, I called the energy company to fix an issue with my latest bills, and completed some other errands that were on my to-do list.

And now, I have my appraisal today, wish me luck. Its a once-yearly requirement, so hopefully if it all goes well, I'm good to go and have nothing else nerve-wracking requiring my attention.

Hopefully all focus can just be on my healing and processing after this.....

[holidayay]

My appraisal went so well! My appraiser was so lovely, positive, encouraging and helpful. Gave me so much useful pointers and tips and said my work and feed back were all really positive.
I am so pleased I didn't give up. Now I am free of any further big stressors, at least for a while!

The dreams are back but I feel I will slowly get better at handling them. They're pretty intense right now, taking me back to moments when I didn't have a single person to confide in when i was a child, with the overwhelming, lonely feeling and complete emptiness. I'm taking more time off to look after myself and have been spending lots of time with blankets and my cat, watching my favourite comfort TV.
I've started having a more positive feeling, like a small vibe that things are going to get better, for some reason. It gives me so much hope.

[holidayay]

I feel awful. Like I am supposed to live in this familiar place of terror, anxiety, self-hatred and fear.
Its been 2 weeks on non-stop, freaky, scary dreams.
I tried to fight it at first and continue, carry on working, carry on seeing friends. And it just hasn't worked.
Yesterday I felt very dissociated. Today I woke up from the nightmares and couldn't go in to work, i just couldn't.
I've rang my GP and I'm seeing them at 11 today.

I feel so depressed and anxious.

I feel like I've slowly spiralled and now I feel hopeless. What's the point in anything?
Life never seems to get better for too long.
I'm just alone, i feel so alone.
I have no idea what to do with myself until the doctor's appointment. I can't even face brushing my teeth. I can't get up, out of bed. Its all too much. I feel like a huge failire. Utter failure.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry you feel so awful holidayay. It's always hard for me to reach the knowledge that it will get better again when I'm in that dark lonely place. But it really does.

You're not a failure! That's your Inner Critic speaking. you're also not alone in not being able to get out of bed or brush your teeth. It's OK to just stay in bed until it's time to go to your GP. Gentle hugs if helpful

[milkandhoney11]

Dear Holidayay,
I am terribly sorry to hear what you are going through. Sometimes our mental health deteriorates quite suddenly and we can't quite explain why we feel so incredibly anxious and lonely when we have actually been okay before, but I just wanted to say that I understand how depressing this might feel.
Our traumatic childhood experiences have taught us to constantly blame ourselves when things go wrong but to me it is very clear that you are not a failure. You have made it so far even with all the things that happened in the past and that alone is an incredible achievement. You are here, you are breathing, you are fighting, and you are continuing to face day after day even when life is hard - that shows how amazingly strong you are.
I appreciate how hard it is to accept yourself in these moments when you are just overwhelmed by anxiety and depression, but I just want to say that when I hear about your struggles I just see a wonderful, kind, strong person that is doing their very best despite everything they have suffered in life.
You matter and your feelings matter and I hope you can be gentle with yourself in these difficult times.
I am here to listen if you want to talk more about how you are feeling but, of course, I understand that talking about your emotions and all your pain might be too overwhelming right now.
At any rate, I hope you can find a way to get through this somehow and I send you all the strength possible.
Gentle hugs if you want them

[Armee]

You are not a failure. You aren't. Terrible awful things were done to you and you fight to survive them everyday. Right now your brain is begging for help healing, that's all. The nightmares are really hard. I'm sorry that is happening to you. Can you try stepping outside, just to feel a different sensation? I've been there, it sucks. But you are not a failure. Even if you have to take a break. I had to leave work because it was too much. I know you don't think I am a failure because I couldn't anymore.

[holidayay]

Thank you so so much for your replies, they have helped so incredibly much to penetrate through the tough inner critic. The compassion I receive on here is just so wonderful, and remarkable considering i imagine most of you also experience this difficult pain.

The GP was a wonderful lady today. Sat and listened and asked questions, gave me time, not a rushed 10 minute affair. She asked the right questions that guided me to understanding the process; that there is a trigger point, and we have to focus on what helps to get through these episodes when triggered, and to identify the triggers that cause this spiral and how to mitigate against them as I go through the healing process.

I came out feeling so heard and seen, and then I texted my friends in a more assertive way to really convey how i feel instead of feeling shameful or shying away. And that helped too. And then I went for a walk and saw a really funny scene of lots of pigeons, stood up in neatly in rows of their own accord, as though they had somehow organised themselves, which made me giggle.

My friend encouraged me to sign up for a writing class, too - after the GP asked me if I'd ever consider writing my story as she thinks its inspirational! I've always loved writing so i went ahead and booked it for a few weeks time. It'll be a new experience, more creative than my regular job and i think might be good for me.

In the meantime, its really helpful to see the responses of being kinder to myself as my brain is trying to heal...so that's what i'll work on now. Just being kinder, eating more healthy nourishing food and going for the little walks. Baby steps again.

Thank you all, for replying, it means so so much