Starting my journal

[Hope67]

Hi Holidayay,
Sending you a hug    Spring is hopefully on the way - will slowly appear and I know you're looking forward to that.  Glad you enjoyed some time with your friend checking out the venue, and hope that if you do go to the other place, that it's enjoyable too. 
Hope 

[holidayay]

Thank you Hope 

I did drag myself out to the day out yesterday. We went to see the castle where Meghan Markle got married. It was nice, the town was very beautiful, but I couldn't really shrug off the dark grey cloud. I tried to get on with it as best I could, went with a colleague and he is nice and friendly, we had some Indonesian food which is new for me, never tried it before. Everything tastes somewhat bland and grey though, just like my mood. Its getting so hard to shake off. We watched a cutesy disney film when we got back and I tried out my new air fryer - have had it for a few months but felt this weird overwhelm whenever i looked at it, that it would be a lot of energy and brain power to figure out how to use it. Actually, it was really easy and works pretty well. Felt tired enough at the end of the day to go to Bed without too much room for racing thoughts and anxiety, and did pretty well to sleep until 8.30am...usually i'm awake by 5 or 6 these days. As soon as I woke up, it was back to that heavy feeling of depression again. It starts to feel like the cycle starts all over again, and just as I get through another day, the next morning restarts it all over again. Its 2pm now and I've not done much today...mostly stayed in bed scrolling on social media, made a lousy breakfast. At least I brushed my teeth. And fed my cat. I guess that's a few wins?

I can't bear to be in my own head so I'm now trying to summon up the will to go outside and sit in the park which is just a 20 second walk from my home....why does it all feel so overwhelming and like SUCH HARD WORK. Really don't want to do anything. But don't want to do nothing either, haha. Just want to feel a bit better.

I'm rambling a lot here. Bit of a depressing read. Journalling on here is one of the few things that helps though. Feel like I'm letting people down by being miserable for quite a few days now but its just a journal, im reminding myself. The aim isn't to get people here to read and enjoy it. People don't even have to read it. Its just an outlet.
Guess its my inner demons making me feel like a failure and ashamed and a burden on everyone. Urgh.

[CrackedIce]

Hey Holidayay!

Do I understand that mood!  That heavy weight that just seems to add its difficulty to everything, but at the same time you don't want to let on that you're in a bad mood so you do your best to try to bear it and do normal things, but that just delays and/or makes it worse.

Hoping this next week is better!

[holidayay]

Hey Holidayay!

Do I understand that mood!  That heavy weight that just seems to add its difficulty to everything, but at the same time you don't want to let on that you're in a bad mood so you do your best to try to bear it and do normal things, but that just delays and/or makes it worse.

Hoping this next week is better!

YES. You've put it so well there! And it really does make it worse.
I ended up spilling the truth to my friends yesterday and it felt like a weight lifted, and it was really lovely that all of them wanted to call/meet up to talk about it. It wasn't straightaway fixed, but it took the burden of pretending off my shoulders, and today I woke up feeling much better. Already out of bed, had a hot bath, coffee and will meet my friend later. And...however i feel, I'm going to try to just let it be and not fight it/shame it/try desperately to figure it out and go in circles in my head. Its all fruitless.
One thing I do know, exercise - even a gentle walk, can really help things moving. But I will also validate that when its REALLY bad, that can be hard if not impossible to do.
Here's to a fresh new week 

[holidayay]

Happy Saturday everyone.

It's my good friend's surprise birthday party today, and I am actually excited. Think I might be emerging from my depressive episode occurring from end of December until a few days ago.
I thought about how and why it happened. And I realised I've reached a point in my life where isolation no longer serves me, as it did when i lived with unpredictable, dangerous people. Now, it mainly makes me depressed and start spiralling and overthinking.
So, for the past week, I made a conscious effort to leave the house at least once a day. I saw friends more often, spoke to others on the phone who lived further away, went out to a coffee shop to be around others in general, and went out for dinner/drinks in the evenings. It really is a gap that needed filling. They say depression can crop up to highlight to us what is missing or needed in our lives, and I feel like this was the case here, and when I listened to what it was trying to tell me, it lifted.

Oh, and I got a message from a recruiter saying a new consultant is interested in my CV. I've been doing flexible work for the past 4 months, with the intention of focusing more on healing. It was very liberating and helpful to work on my own terms, although it comes with the downsides of having to be more proactive about my finances and making sure i earned enough every month. This call came at a right time, and quite an ideal offer - i met with th consultant for a chat and she seemed lovely And its very close to where i live so - hurrah! No miserable winter commutes. And  the hours are very reasonable. So I think this may be the start of my new chapter in 2023.
I'm excited to see what the year ahead brings 

[Snowdrop]

This sounds really positive. Well done for listening to and figuring out what the depression was trying to tell you. It's great news about the consultant as well. I'm delighted for you.

[Papa Coco]

Holidayay,

So glad to hear depression is lifting. I hope your friend's birthday party is super fun. Surprise parties can be so much fun.

You said something in your post that stuck with me. I'm also trying to stop isolating. When I go out of the house, I do perk up. But I tend to hide in the house and wallow in the depression. You said that isolation served you well while you were in the thick of things with abusive people, but that the isolation no longer serves you.  That is an important statement for me to read and now adopt. I isolate because I was so unsafe around my own family and friends, but those days are gone. That family is gone. I have a good family now, a good wife and a good son and I have a lot of good friends. I need to grasp that sentiment, and I'm thankful that you wrote it: Isolation once served me too, but it no longer does.

Thank you for sharing your journal with us. It's helpful for me to read about what helps my fellow C-PTSDers rise up out of despair. 

[CrackedIce]

Thanks for sharing!  I too have found myself (and a lot of my friends, honestly) have fallen into a rut of isolation, making it really hard to socialize or put effort into getting out of the house.  I like your strategy of even just going out to hang out in public - I may try that tomorrow during my office hours.

Have a great week!

[holidayay]

Hi all!
It makes me so happy to see my post resonated and helped a few of you, too. There is something to be said from learning from and with each other on here. I really can see more and more how working on replacing the isolation coping mechanism with new, relational coping mechanisms (relational because it involves being around others without feeling them as a threat) is a really important step to take once we are ready for it. And even then, it may feel hard and counter-intuitive at times, and my brain still tries to urge me not to go outside and/or be around others but I have to say, when I do push back it and go - 9/10, I feel better for it and overall, the 'threat' signalling and flight-or-fight mode does go away.

It's interesting because a couple of years ago, when I was first coming to terms with the full extent of my ordeal and my family's dysfunction, I definitely did not benefit a lot from forcing myself outside. I benefitted more from indulging in a 'hermit' stage - and what really helped my nervous system then was all things cosy. Warm blankets, cups of tea, fairy lights on, salt lamps, candles, hot baths, watching movies, cooking at home with my then boyfriend - being around others and out and about would only seldom work.
I just want to say this for anyone who might be reading this and might feel bad about themselves if going out and being around others ISN'T working, or very difficult at the moment....there are stages to healing, and i watched many videos and read many articles/books about stages such as needing to be alone, and stay indoors, and that can all be perfectly normal too. I think it is about listening to our body; this is what has served me well. And I've noticed after the initial period of hermit-ing (a good 2 years or so, I'd say), I am starting to notice a shift in my body. Now, being around others (a step i'm taking slowly) is starting to feel good, and safe, and very comforting. Especially with the new friendships I focused on putting my energy into; reciprocal, kind, caring, understanding. The prospect of seeing them feels like a safe haven now, compared to angst and anxiety I'd have in the past when I wasn't so conscious about who I surrounded myself with, and nor did I really reveal much of who I really was, and what my real struggles were. Sometimes I wonder which one was the issue - the people being not right for me, or me hiding who I really was that they couldn't see and react to it? I suspect one fed into the other.

Anyway, I did go to my friend's birthday party last weekend. And I had such a good time! Chatting, having a few drinks, dancing, and there was the most scrumptious birthday cake ever. I got to meet mutual friends and that was really enjoyable, too. I also got asked out on a date - I'd forgotten what this was like after lockdown, when all dating seems to occur via dating apps?! The guy was sweet and it was nice to meet someone organically for a change.

I had another realisation into some of my coping mechanisms, too, which I realised have quite an impact on my stress and energy levels. I've realised when I feel a certain negative feeling crop up, if somebody has done or said something to me that has upset me, my heart starts pounding and I immediately get really scared and dissociative. And then if I want to say something, I'll rehash it in my mind - see the situation from all sides and make sure I have an explanation or defense lined up for every possible viewpoint someone may have and direct towards me, to make sure I don't miss out on any 'loopholes' where I may then be diminished, or blamed or told otherwise my feelings are invalid and then I feel shame and guilt or disgust with myself for 'making the situation difficult' or 'not being an easy or 'normal' person' and then its my fault....and of course, this is linked to childhood. Where my mum and other adults in my life were so quick to jump to blame-shifting, or gaslighting a person out of having their own feelings and realities.

I noticed it when i was deciding on a decision to commit to meeting up with a friend who can be flakey and non-communicative, and bail at the last minute. I realised that whereas I put up with anything and everything for a lot of my life because i had no concept of boundaries or my own needs or dislikes, now I am individuating more, this is a trait in a friend I do not really like. I try as much as possible to respect people's time and effort - and actually, I like it when I get given the same in return. So, when I was deliberating on how to deal with this situation - and a third friend was also part of this meet-up - i went through this whole process in my head of replaying my feelings, what i should say, what evidence is there for this viewpoint versus the viewpoint that I am being unreasonable or irrational or unfair or otherwise reason enough to blame and shame me and then leave me because my needs make it 'difficult' to love me.
Its quite overwhelming when I pay attention to what is happening in my body as all this is occurring. The shallow breaths, the heart pounding, mind racing with thought - its very exhausting and takes such a toll, I end up needing to take a nap and then drink lots of water.

So, this time, I tried to approach it differently. Of course, the habitual process kept invading my thought processes, but I tried not to act on it, and then when the third person in the friendship group rang me to discuss, I was able to express that non-committal and flakey behaviours and bailing and lack of effort affects me negatively and actually, I find it to be somewhat rude and alienating towards the people who do make an effort. We were able to talk about it and overall, the outcome was better, than what i have done over the years in such trigger flare-ups, which would have been to lock up my feelings, triggering my wounds, having bad dreams and flashbacks and resentment building and building until i explode or fall into a depressive slump and isolate and then feel even worse.

Gosh, this stuff is HARD WORK. Its so much harder than how I thought it would be when I first started this journey of un-learning the unhelpful and destructive coping mechanisms of my dysfunctional upbringing. But, it always ends up worth it. And I feel like I see the steady positive benefits, slowly trickle in and build over time. Stronger friendship groups, better ability to express myself, able to show up at work differently - more confident, measured, assertive - and in dealing with life in general.

[Papa Coco]

Holidayay

What a great line of positive posts. So uplifting.

Your comments that sometimes isolating and self-nurturing are the right thing to do, and for as long as they are serving us well, are so well said. I agree with you. It isn't until we become isolated for too long that it becomes an issue to be dealt with.

And hokey smokes! I can so relate to the Hypervigilance we feel when we try to anticipate every criticism we might receive when we feel like we're about to confront a blaming person. The people who've abused our good nature for decades, gave us "hypervigilance" turning life into a chess match as we try so hard to prepare for their certain accusations and criticisms. My experience has always been like yours: My voice goes into its upper register. I talk faster in hopes of preempting their attacks, my heart pounds, mouth goes dry. Etc. This is when people like this make US look like we're crazy. They end up looking calm while we look insane.

My therapist stops me whenever he sees me do this in his presence. He tells me to stop. Breathe. Feel my feet on the floor and my bottom in the couch, and then makes me speak very slowly and calmly. It REALLY helps.

I'm so happy for the way your life is going now. You really are inspiring me to follow suit.

Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us.

I mentioned in another post that I've written some books about a boy who happens to be one of us, a C-PTSD Fawn>Freeze>Flee>Fight.  Whenever I sign copies, I write "We're stronger together" before I sign my name. That's in reference to how when folks like us share our idiosyncrasies with each other, and then support each other, we all become stronger. All of us.

So, again...Thank you for your openness and your well written reports.  They really do help me too.

[holidayay]

Just a quick entry before going to work.

I feel....haunted by what i didn''t know, when i didn't know it, and how it caused me to live life in such a demeaning, degrading way...does anyone else relate to this? Like...now I have learnt more about myself, self-love, boundaries, heck that i even deserve to be treated as a human being and am not just invisible/a burden....i can't believe what i used to do to myself. Surround myself with people who didn't care 1 bit about me, give my all to men who could care less and i would be so devastated....doing far too much for others - friends, employees, other students.....and not realising i didn't need to always give of myself just to be deserving of having a presence.

I'm spooked out by the enormity of this, how it changes the basis and sequale for so much in life. I feel quite a lot of despair and devastation realising all this, and so upset that it was such a waste of time and energy and my mental health when all along it could have been so different. I wish i knew better, sooner. I feel quite humiliated and ashamed of myself. I wish someone had guided me and taught me better instead of all of the terrible lessons i learnt about myself that made me feel so unworthy and unloveable. I wish it could have been different. I feel like I am grieving a huge intangible ...thing. i don't know what else to call it.

I have to dash now but i wanted to reply properly to the reply to my previous entry. Just felt like quickly sharing these feelings here first so they are less in my head. I hope everyone has a nice day 

[milkandhoney11]

This really has struck a chord with me, holidayay.
I keep wondering why I didn't realise earlier what was going on in my family and how much this affected me deeply. It seems hard to believe now given the scale of some of the things I experienced but the truth is that I never really labelled their actions as abuse until quite recently. I mean, I was quite aware of the physical abuse but I nevertheless did not allow myself to notice quite how much this really hurt me because I knew how much more other people have suffered and I felt that my pain was in no proportion to the things that happened. I continued to blame myself for being so sensitive and vulnerable and struggling so much with the fact that dad hit me when he at least never left any bruises or scars, so I guess I was basically gaslighting myself.
As for the emotional abuse, how is it possible that I did not recognize that this had been happening all throughout my life? I mean, I had hurt of emotional abuse and had to do some training on recognising it for work but I never made the connection to my own experiences and I can't believe now how long it took me to really see what was happening. I imagine that I was extremely trauma-bonded to my family and that I had to believe in their "essential goodness" because they were pretty much my only contacts and I had no real friends or anything, but you're right, it does actually haunt me that I didn't see what was happening for many, many years.
And yes, it also haunts me to look back on my past actions and see how much of my behaviour was caused by the childhood trauma. How much I was constantly fawning over others, trying to be the perfect girl that never made mistakes because I so desperately wanted to avoid rejection and being hurt again.
But, you know what I find even more scary and daunting? That I still don't know how to end all of this. I am aware of the trauma and how it affected my mental health and I know that it causes me to deny my own needs literally all the time but I don't know how to stop this and escape this "huge intangible thing" as you called it.
I guess it's easy to blame ourselves for this (once again) and keep pondering about our own shortcomings. Yet, the truth is that this is what was done to us. We couldn't notice sooner because the wounds were just too big and painful and we were only just barely surviving. And we couldn't know better because we were constantly being told as children that we were at fault and at some point we just accepted that. We had to because we depended on those around us to survive back then, and even when we grew up and went our own ways our lives were still overshadowed by pain and the threat/fear of abuse never really went away, so I guess it is understandable in a way to be like this even if it is spooky and devastating.

[holidayay]

This really has struck a chord with me, holidayay.
I keep wondering why I didn't realise earlier what was going on in my family and how much this affected me deeply. It seems hard to believe now given the scale of some of the things I experienced but the truth is that I never really labelled their actions as abuse until quite recently. I mean, I was quite aware of the physical abuse but I nevertheless did not allow myself to notice quite how much this really hurt me because I knew how much more other people have suffered and I felt that my pain was in no proportion to the things that happened. I continued to blame myself for being so sensitive and vulnerable and struggling so much with the fact that dad hit me when he at least never left any bruises or scars, so I guess I was basically gaslighting myself.
As for the emotional abuse, how is it possible that I did not recognize that this had been happening all throughout my life? I mean, I had hurt of emotional abuse and had to do some training on recognising it for work but I never made the connection to my own experiences and I can't believe now how long it took me to really see what was happening. I imagine that I was extremely trauma-bonded to my family and that I had to believe in their "essential goodness" because they were pretty much my only contacts and I had no real friends or anything, but you're right, it does actually haunt me that I didn't see what was happening for many, many years.
And yes, it also haunts me to look back on my past actions and see how much of my behaviour was caused by the childhood trauma. How much I was constantly fawning over others, trying to be the perfect girl that never made mistakes because I so desperately wanted to avoid rejection and being hurt again.
But, you know what I find even more scary and daunting? That I still don't know how to end all of this. I am aware of the trauma and how it affected my mental health and I know that it causes me to deny my own needs literally all the time but I don't know how to stop this and escape this "huge intangible thing" as you called it.
I guess it's easy to blame ourselves for this (once again) and keep pondering about our own shortcomings. Yet, the truth is that this is what was done to us. We couldn't notice sooner because the wounds were just too big and painful and we were only just barely surviving. And we couldn't know better because we were constantly being told as children that we were at fault and at some point we just accepted that. We had to because we depended on those around us to survive back then, and even when we grew up and went our own ways our lives were still overshadowed by pain and the threat/fear of abuse never really went away, so I guess it is understandable in a way to be like this even if it is spooky and devastating.

I'm really pleased to see that recently, my posts are resonating with people. And I felt really touched reading your post, and sad for the child you and I were, who had to grow up under such enduring hyperactivation of our nervous systems, preparing for wholly unfair attacks that little children are not equipped to deal with on such regular, prevalent basis. It does take work to undo this. But, the starting point is the most crucial - recognising and becoming aware of the habits. And we have done that already! So I am very hopeful for us. And the more we keep reminding ourselves of what is more acceptable compared to how we have been groomed to operate, the more we can act on the basis of the former and it becoming our norm, and what we have always deserved. I'm sorry for us that it is such hard work, though, especially given that we have already paid a heavy price of labour throughout our childhood and we don't get resources such as time or financial assistance to deal with this - I know for example, if I didn't have extra burdens such as financial deadlines, my mind would be a bit more free from pressure to practice the healthy things. I slip into my old habits when i panic because i am running out of money, living paycheck to paycheck and the nervous system activation makes it nigh on impossible to access the frontal lobe to be more rational and reasonable insted of fight-or-flighty. I wish governments would recognise things like this and provide assistance to take off these burdens a little bit so the healing period can be more effective instead of being interrupted by such panic as having to pay for everything during crucial points in the healing process! It would go some way towards levelling the playing field with people who go to work without the bedrock of CPTSD. Their anxiety when financial stressors hit are just not the same; for us, we regress terribly. At least that has been my experience. And then it makes it harder to meet the basic financial demands of imperatives things such as shelter and food never mind the 'luxuries' of therapy and other healing modalities...and its a vicious cycle.

Having said that, I started my new regular 9-5 job last week. Came off my flexible ad hoc work and thankfully, first week went really well and I am really enjoying it! I am working on an all-male in-patient psychiatry ward and it has been very rewarding and informative so far. My team are very supportive and well trained, and they are very good at protecting me when the patients get a little bit intrusive. I was worried I'd feel triggered and unsafe at times but that hasn't been the case so far. I feel like I am where I am meant to be now, after putting off a psychiatry job for a few years until I was a bit more advanced in my healing, so I didn't get triggered too often, and I can see that was the right decision to make. I definitely wouldn't have been able to cope with this a few years ago, in hindsight.
But yeah, I'm now feeling the financial stress lifting a bit with the prospect of regular income.

I've also stuck to my vow of more regular socialising. I had a little sleepover with my good friend and a new friend I met  few months ago through a mutual friend who is very much on my wavelength, and the three of us had a lovely evening eating dinner, drinking wine and chatting until the early hours. And then we woke up early and chatted in bed for ages and I even felt comfortable to share of my family experiences and it was so lovely to feel free from shame and fear of rejection for talking freely about my traumas. It reminded me of when I used to feel terribly anxious and ashamed when i had issues pressing on my mind related to my family and i would meet up with my ex-best friend who didn't seem comfortable to listen to and talk about such things and i felt so, so ashamed in her company and i'd end up dissociating from the stress of having to stifle my real feelings and put on a bright, happy, relaxed show to prevent her scowling and rejecting me. I feel quite shocked that i ever thought that was normal...these newer friends of mine on the other hand, provide an environment where it is so okay and natural to say how i feel and what i am thinking and validate me in a way that seems effortless and like I am not a burden at all. And we do that for each other, in a reciprocal way. My mind is opening up so much to how real friendship and love is given and received and I'm so thankful for the turn my life has made in this regard. I still hope to have children someday and now I am having these corrective experiences, I feel like they are putting me in such good stead to understand healthy love to provide them with a better bedrock and foundation from which they can grow.

[Armee]

 

I'm so happy to see you feeling better from socializing and that the new job is rewarding and less triggering that it would have been a few years ago. That gives me hope. It's important work too and probably difficult to staff.

[Hope67]

Hi Holidayay,
So great that you're enjoying your new job and settling in to it.  You sound happy in your posts, and it's great that you're socialising too.  Sending you a hug 
Hope