Starting my journal

[holidayay]

How many times must we feel helpless? Or have our simple yearning to be seen and heard dashed and crushed over and over and over again before it becomes 'enough' to warrant help?

They say there isn't funding here, but if investments had gone in, they would have paid dividends. By this, I mean: if appropriate help and support had been given from the very first time any of us seek help, the issues wouldn't need to rumble on and on and grow bigger and continuously affected our lives, our jobs, our relationships, our ability to just feel SAFE. I still find the cold hard reality of only financial dividends to be deemed worthwhile as a vile quality to have as a society but EVEN IF we want to be slaves to money, the argument is: far less sick days off, easier ability to get and sustain jobs (and therefore, taxes)...

...Even having to justify receiving support via talking like this makes me so depressed. It's like I'm still having to convince the world I am worthy and that my pain is real and worth responding to.

I'm so sorry to hear of the posters above me who have suffered as well in trying to get help. This system is completely and utterly not fit for purpose.

My next step is going private. I am going to book in an introductory session with a trauma specialist that are listed on the BACP site.
If the NHS recommends against it, they can offer a suitable alternative otherwise they are completely useless. Oh, and if going private 'does make it worse', maybe it'll get bad enough that the NHS will actually do something since these are the rules they seem to play by when it comes to mental health.

I wish I lived in America

[Snowdrop]

It's worth looking at the UK resources here too:

https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=266.0

[SharpAndBlunt]

I agree both on mental health provision not even working in an economic sense, and that the whole concept is dreadful, that people must sink lower than low to be worthy of help. Personally I found that it invalidates a lot of suffering and experience, which for people like us can be retraumatising. It's a very sad state of affairs. Take care.

[holidayay]

I agree both on mental health provision not even working in an economic sense, and that the whole concept is dreadful, that people must sink lower than low to be worthy of help. Personally I found that it invalidates a lot of suffering and experience, which for people like us can be retraumatising. It's a very sad state of affairs. Take care.

Absolutely.

[holidayay]

It's worth looking at the UK resources here too:

https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=266.0

Thanks, I'll check them out now

Just spoke to a therapist found in my area on the BACP website who specialises in EMDR and childhood trauma said he will email over some resources and information, as he himself is booked out until March. Will post here if anything is useful!

[holidayay]

I messaged another private therapist asking her if she has awareness of narcissistic parents and the effects it has etc. She said she does and that if I wanted to, she offers a free introductory session to have a chat to see if I'd feel like she is suitable. She said she can meet with me this coming Thursday.

I'm happy but on the one hand, I'm scared about this idea that 'going private can be tricky' which NHS workers have mentioned - as apparently just about anyone can call themselves a therapist. However, a psychologist at my medical school had sent me a list of websites where therapists are proven to be accredited to help me pick someone trustworthy...so I've done the background info but for some reason I still feel a bit scared. What if it makes it worse? I don't know what worse would even look like.

But...surely its worth a go?

[Snowdrop]

It's worth looking at the information here, as it may set your mind at rest, or prompt questions you can ask of the therapist:
https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=106.0

[SharpAndBlunt]

holidayay, I think that is a great suggestion Snowdrop has made, there is a lot of experience to be found on that page linked.

I also hope I didn't make your fear worse when I mentioned the 'making it worse' scenario. Like you, I was told this, I don't necessarily believe it.

I think there is no harm in going for one session anyway, I don't know for sure but I suspect your gut instinct might give you an idea if it will be a fit.

Good luck.

[holidayay]

holidayay, I think that is a great suggestion Snowdrop has made, there is a lot of experience to be found on that page linked.

I also hope I didn't make your fear worse when I mentioned the 'making it worse' scenario. Like you, I was told this, I don't necessarily believe it.

I think there is no harm in going for one session anyway, I don't know for sure but I suspect your gut instinct might give you an idea if it will be a fit.

Good luck.

No, no you didn't make it worse - I'd been told the same thing by 3 different medical professionals so its been a worry for a while. Anyway, I'd rather hear harsh truths beforehand rather than get caught off-guard

[sanmagic7]

i think an introductory session is also a good idea.  you can get a feel for the t, how they feel to you, what they're saying to you, and if they're 'getting' it.  i think some anxiety is normal for something like this.  just to let you know, we'll be there with you.  just imagine us in the waiting room with you, maybe that'll help.  it's helped me several times.

will be thinking of you on thurs.  good luck - i hope it works out.  sending love and a hug filled with strength.   

[holidayay]

Thanks guys.

I'm going to resume the journalling as I'm feeling all the memories and past pain build up too much again and just want to release it somewhere.


Cyprus trip 7 years ago
This has been popping up as a very emotionally traumatising time in my life.
I was fresh out of a pseudo-relationship with a man who was just like my mother (narcissistic, angry, emotionally and psychologically abusive) and I had dived back into the vortex of emptiness - a state which I had often lived in as a child. I didn't have any self-awareness back then, didn't know about abuse. His behaviour was familiar, ergo it was 'normal'.
Now, with more clarity, I could see I had been toying with an emotional vampire.
I developed an eating disorder, became extremely thin and obsessive about food. I felt it was all my fault. Him being unhappy, him being angry, him being dismissive, me being miserable.
I decided to visit Cyprus - a country he had grown up in - as a holiday destination with my sister and some friends. I wanted to understand more about him and his culture. In my head, if I could somehow work out how to be acceptable enough, I could be worthy of love. I had survived childhood by living in fantasies where people would recognise me through being what they wanted me to be - smart? emotionally supportive? have zero needs of my own? It was all very confusing.

Anyway, we flew to cyprus. I was too embarrassed to admit I wanted to see the country because of the guy I had attributed my 'salvation fantasy' to. My sister's friends had already agreed they wanted to go there anyway, so I didn't need to justify the location choice.

I was so, so unhappy. My sister - who I had no idea at the time was just like a clone of my abusive mother - was constantly angry and miserable and looking at me to make it all better. I felt desperate on so many occasions. I was heartbroken and devastated after my experiences with the horrible guy but there wasn't a lot of room for me to process it. My sister would wake up with an unhappy face and demand I somehow make her life better for her. I was already drained, and felt so much pressure to stifle down my things to keep her happy.
She wasn't happy because she wasn't getting enough attention from men in her life. She wasn't happy because we didn't have as much money as others did. She wasn't happy because she wasn't as skinny as other girls. She was constantly jealous and spewed venom about others. It made me feel really distressed. I kept trying to counsel her, tell her how things are not always how they appear on the surface, that life could improve. Nothing I said made any difference. She wanted attention from men, money, and constant emotional sustenance.

All I remember is feeling distressed, trying to keep up with all her demands, to keep her happy, so she could give me breathing space to process my stuff. I remember we went out with her friends, one of them who was so obviously abusive towards his girlfriends, constantly berating her in front of us. I remember being so confused and with such low self-esteem, that I felt any unhappiness was my fault. We went up a mountain one day, and I was so depressed, all I wanted to do was crawl and hide. The atmosphere was bleak. My sister, this abusive guy and his upset girlfriend, and me. I tried to crack constant jokes to lighten the atmosphere. Anything to make things a bit better, to make life seem less helpless.

Looking back now, it distresses me to remember all of that huge pain inside me, which had nowhere to go, and which I had no idea what to do with, even if I was to be left alone with it. I didn't understand why, but I somehow 'knew' I was loathsome and unloveable. And I felt obliged to give, give, give and on the days I simply couldn't, I felt so guilty and like I was letting my sister down.

She never once let up. It angers me now to think of the horrible pressures I put myself under, and she never stopped to say 'hey, give yourself a break, let's focus on you for a minute'. I remember we went to stay with a friend of mine for a few days in another city who was very good at empathising and my main concern was that perhaps she could help my sister feel better. I told them I'd give them breathing space whilst I walked on ahead. I was silently begging and pleading that she could somehow help so then I'd get some refuge from the overbearing responsibility of trying to make my sister feel better. Even when I stopped making this my mission, she would rage and yell and I'd feel guilty and cave.
I was EXHAUSTED.
I felt tired, alone, rejected and not to mention constantly hungry because I had developed an obsession with limiting my calorie intake. Some days I'd gorge on baked goods, then feel repulsive and ashamed. It was a horrible cycle.

The trip lasted a very long 2 weeks and is one I wish I could forget. It was around the time that the song 'we are young' by Fun came out and was playing everywhere...to this day, when I hear this song, it makes me shudder and brings it all back. I wish I can erase that song from my memory.

[holidayay]

Non-stop nightmares last night....I feel so weak, like I physically lived through each and everyone of them 

[Snowdrop]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Holidayay,
Sending you a gentle and supportive hug, if that's ok    Sorry to hear you had such a tough night, and it's understandable that you're feeling so weak today. 
Hope 

[holidayay]

Thanks guys.

I got through the day, just back from work now.

It wasn't great, but at least I did it. Hoping for a more cosy, calm sleep tonight.