Starting my journal

[Three Roses]

Sometimes success comes in small steps too. You got through it, so give yourself the recognition. 

[Snowdrop]

Is it your appointment today? Good luck.

[holidayay]

I'm not in a good way. I have the day off, I went to the GP and basically ranted at her. How rubbish the NHS is, how all that is being done is that I am being shafted back and forth and the 1 year wait list is ridiculous. She asked the most infuriating of all questions to people who are feeling helpless: 'what do you think will help?' and this time, instead of restraining myself, I snapped at her: 'I was hoping YOU'D be able to answer that.'

I've lost all patience. That did seem to spur her on and she gave me the number of a psychologist who has helped her friends so we know its safe. I rang the number straight away.

So there we have it. Apparently you have to lose your patience and snap before affirmative action is taken. During our weakest, most helpless moments, we have to fight the hardest. This is making me even more angry.

[holidayay]

Is it your appointment today? Good luck.

Yes, at 4pm.

I don't know how I feel about this one though. Its a private one, and she wanted to wait a few days before giving me the address, and when she did, it turns out its her home? Is that normal?

[Snowdrop]

I've heard of other people doing this, having a dedicated therapeutic space in the place where they live. I think the key thing is that you've checked her background, and if you find she doesn't feel right for you, you don't have to go back.

[holidayay]

I did go in the end, just got back.
She seemed quite good. Has over 30 years experience working with people with trauma. And I like that she actually said this session is for us to see if its a good fit and that I have to be honest with her with my feelings if I don't want to come back. I didn't want to feel pressure to 'giving her business'. I'd have happily sat there all evening spilling everything out.

I've got two meetings tomorrow and Monday set up via work - don't fully know what they will entail yet so I told her I'd make a decision by next week after I'd been to them.

[Three Roses]

Glad she seems to be a good fit for you! 

[Snowdrop]

Well done for going. Glad it went well. 

[holidayay]

I don't know if I am willing to trust her.
I've been to another appointment with a different lady to 'shop around'. She made me so angry. She started off with a stern looking face and approach and interrupted and became defensive when I told her what makes me feel really insecure. I told her being interrupted is something I find very hurtful these days because I had my fill of it already.
She just didn't seem to be able to separate herself from my statements. I didn't want her to go on the defensive, I wanted her to say 'I understand'. She was quite blunt too, seemed to have that fiery Spanish personality (her accent sounded Spanish).

I've felt like I've been shot with an arrow in the head since.
I don't think I want either of them two. The first one was ok, but I just didn't like that her appointments were in her home, which is in a not so nice area. I'm not taking my most vulnerable parts to some shabby area, it felt..not quite safe.

I have my third lady I'm meeting next week. She has her own clinic and I spoke to her on the phone. She was gentle, kind and sweet. I have a better feeling about her. We'll see.

My head is brimmed so full, and it feels like I'm leaking emotions and trauma. Yesterday I was desperate for a hug and cried so many times in public, I just couldn't stop it. A security man stopped me and thought he was being kind and told me 'not to stress so much'. I wanted to scream at him - 'IF ONLY'. As if he knows the half of it.

[Blueberry]

 

That really all sounds so difficult holidayay. You are right to trust your own feelings about a potential T, though.

"Apparently you have to lose your patience and snap before affirmative action is taken. During our weakest, most helpless moments, we have to fight the hardest. This is making me even more angry." I remember feeling like that when my medical insurance refused to pay inpatient stay for me anywhere but the local psychiatric hospital. (There are much better places to go). My anger at the time gave me the energy to fight harder. So I understand and I hope that you get the energy to be assertive about your needs.

[Snowdrop]

I don't feel as though I have many useful words at the moment, but I think you're doing really well looking for a suitable therapist, and listening to your instincts about what might be suitable and what isn't. Sending you a supportive hug.

[Not Alone]

I think you are wise to interview a few therapists, although that also sounds really taxing. This isn't the same as a hug in person, but the care is real. 

[holidayay]

Thanks guys, the support is very much appreciated 

It is taxing yeah, but I guess my determination is firm on this one. Fingers crossed for next tuesday's appointment..

[sanmagic7]

hey, jazzy, just wanted to join in for a moment.  as a therapist, i have had sessions in my home, and i've been in the home of another t for sessions w/ her, so that kind of thing does happen.  however, if you don't feel safe in her neighborhood, i'm glad you were able to recognize that.  the second one doesn't sound like she's very sensitive to trauma wounding.  i know this is taxing, but i'm glad you're shopping around.  very wise, indeed.   

i hope the third one works out - at least she sounds better than the other two, kinder and more understanding.  good luck - like anything else in getting our needs met, it's kind of an experiment to see what fits for us. 

your strength and determination are definitely showing.  well done!     sending love and a hug filled w/ all the best.   

[holidayay]

hey, jazzy, just wanted to join in for a moment.  as a therapist, i have had sessions in my home, and i've been in the home of another t for sessions w/ her, so that kind of thing does happen.  however, if you don't feel safe in her neighborhood, i'm glad you were able to recognize that.  the second one doesn't sound like she's very sensitive to trauma wounding.  i know this is taxing, but i'm glad you're shopping around.  very wise, indeed.   

i hope the third one works out - at least she sounds better than the other two, kinder and more understanding.  good luck - like anything else in getting our needs met, it's kind of an experiment to see what fits for us. 

your strength and determination are definitely showing.  well done!     sending love and a hug filled w/ all the best.   

Thanks! I hope so. I started doubting myself for a minute, the second therapist made some very strange connections which didn't resonate. She asked me what my earliest memory was and I said 'making my own 'shop' in my living room and my mum shaming me for it' and she said 'so you played shop and now you are shopping around for a therapist?'. It seemed like she wanted there to be a link, which I didn't really feel is there. I'm only shopping around for a therapist now because of all the advice I read and because I used to accept counsellors in the past without knowing what my real issues were/are and just went along with CBT etc.

It did make me think should I be looking into my reasons for doing this further? DO I shop around and even if I do what does that mean?
Uff can there not just be a directory somewhere of therapists who know about C-PTSD and we go there and end of story instead of this faff.