Starting my journal

[Snowdrop]

I think you're doing exactly the right thing, looking for a therapist that best suits your needs. From what you've said, the second therapist doesn't sound like a good fit. Not everything is connected.

I hope it goes well on Tuesday.

[holidayay]

So it was third time lucky!
The third lady I met with is a perfect fit. She is a consultant psychologist, specialising in trauma and PTSD. The meeting went very well, I am so pleased (and relieved).

[Snowdrop]

Hooray! That's excellent news.

[Not Alone]

Glad for you.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi holidayay, that is great news, really pleased for you too 

[Blueberry]

That's great holidayay! Really happy for you!

[Hope67]

Hi Holidayay, That is great news!   
Hope 

[holidayay]

Thank you everybody!

I had my second session with her today and I'm so, so thankful and relieved.
I got a letter through the post from the NHS services (a very delayed response) informing me there is a 2 year wait list on the service in my area that deals with childhood trauma. Thank god I'd arranged something myself otherwise this would have floored me and left me feeling helpless.

I have a lot of contempt for NHS mental health right now. Anyone receiving that letter with C-PTSD and not able to fund their own care would have most likely felt rejected and even more helpless upon reading this letter. Such a delay is (unintentionally) a perpetuating factor in everything that C-PTSD stands for. I mean seriously TWO YEARS? And this isn't even the NHS itself - they referred it to a charity! So what exactly does NHS mental health do for you, if you present with c-ptsd other than deliver you the news that unless you get worse and become suicidal, you are not worthy of help. Ridiculous. I'm just sorry to those who are having to deal with this utter stupidity.

[Snowdrop]

I get the impression that cptsd falls between the cracks with the NHS. It's quite shocking. I'm glad you're getting timely support elsewhere though.

[holidayay]

I agree.
Next august I will be placed on a psychiatry job. I'm really interested in doing research in this area and doing something to push for change here, once I'm a bit stronger. It'll be interesting to discuss the subject with psychiatrists and see what can be done - surely we have to start from somewhere.

[Snowdrop]

That does sound interesting.

At some point I think I ought to write to my MP etc about the lack of longer-term mental health provision. In the meantime, I'm just delighted that you're getting support.

[holidayay]

Venting post

*venting post*




*venting post*      People are really getting on my nerves this weekend.

My ex is really annoying me. When we were together, I was under the impression it was me with all the issues until it transpired he had severe social anxiety and started acting out in really selfish ways like trying to keep me home, just the two of us, and not seeing my friends because he didn't want to deal with the pressure. Or instances where he put me down when i was having fun and growing in confidence as though he wanted to keep me in a triggered state, because it meant i was reliant on him, and it could go back to being just us two. I called him up on it, he would cry and refuse to talk about it until I told him he either would do something about his issues or I was gone. He started counselling, which was very good.

We've since broken up, as I moved away for my job. He seems to be doing better...but I can't help but notice he is adopting a lot of my interests and MY words as though he is trying to prove to me he is...better? I don't think he wants to let go and I've got the dreaded feeling that I will have to have a talk with him about moving on. He posts pictures of MY favourite philosopher whose statute and grave he went to visit. He'd never heard of him and when I told him I liked him, he bought his books and said he found him 'harsh'. So why are you visiting his statue and his gravestone....both of which I had told him I'd done when I'd visited the philosopher's home country and what I'd taken pictures of. His instagram is starting to look just like mine did a year ago. And he posts long posts about the importance of mental health and talking about issues and how he has learnt so much from reading, counselling and philosophy. This is all great and would be very good if he was doing it for HIM but its like he is just emulating me. Its almost like he thinks that if he can show me he is improving by doing things i like and talking about things in the way I do....that I will be convinced he is now healthy. He wants to meet up and catch up, and I don't think it seems like it has sunk in for him that we are finished and him working on himself is for HIM.

My friend used to tell me that she found him a bit creepy and the way he would stare at me would creep me out and now I can't push those thoughts away that he is creeping me out with the way he is going about it. It doesn't feel genuine. It feels like he has an intention to do all this just to get me back, into our room, where its just me and him. I confided in him a few weeks ago that I was really struggling here in my new city and wanted to move back to familiarity and he perked up and asked sharply 'so you'll move back??' which made me feel a bit unnerved like.....like he wants me to be the same girl with the same issues so then it means I slot back in to his life of fear and anxiety and it can just be us two, codependent, holed up in our old room. Its really annoying me how much he copies me, as if the answer to me disapproving of his unhealthy behaviour is to adopt my stance on everything. Its like he has no real sense of self or identity. He drinks every time he goes out. He doesn't remember one social event where he hasn't gotten drunk since he turned 18. He gets irritable and annoyed if we wouldn't stop by for a beer every time WE went out. I don't think he knows what lies underneath it all he is socialising and you take away the alcohol.

I don't want him back. I don't want anybody right now. Our relationship was very codependent and as nice as it was for him to want to help me and rescue me, I'd tell him frequently I did not need a 'saviour'. I never felt like his help was intended to really help me heal. But rather, this codependent stance of: if i show you how much i can help you, maybe you'll love me. I used to ignore this gut feeling but it became clear when my other friends wanted to participate in helping me. He would be moody and refuse to engage, and do petty things like state he wants breakfast, then when I cooked for everybody, refuse to eat.
He would get annoyed if i was having fun and wait until my friend went to the toilet before telling me a put-down then acting innocent.

I feel icky just thinking about all this. He is always the first to like or view anything i post on social media and it makes me feel like he watches me carefully. I would say maybe im overthinking it but ive learnt the hard way from ignoring my gut and no longer want to do that.

Anyway....yeah. Just needed to vent.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Dear holidayay,

It sounds like you are very aware of the situation with your ex and that you are confident enough to know that you don't want that relationship back again. I hope that your ex will realise that things are not going back to the way they were.

[holidayay]

Dear holidayay,

It sounds like you are very aware of the situation with your ex and that you are confident enough to know that you don't want that relationship back again. I hope that your ex will realise that things are not going back to the way they were.

Wow, you took the time to read that and to reply...thank you.

Do other people feel like ....like they are unnecessarily aggravating and annoying people with the 'wretched' details of what troubles us.....and it feels embarrassing and shameful after having a moment where i feel confident enough to post and to make the decision to care about my needs....as if its an aftereffect. Like: omg did you really think YOU were worthy of having your boring, annoying details heard?
And then afterwards like we have to go above and beyond to thank the people who responded and show gratitude and immediate success with feeling better to prove that now we've had our moment, we'll try much harder to never have to put someone in the position of needing to listen to us ever again...?

Or something to that effect?

[Hope67]

HI Holidayay,
I'm having difficulty processing things today, so I can't really say much to what you asked here, but in my experience it's felt better to share things here, because people have been very supportive and understanding, and therefore it's helped, and I really hope that you will be able to counter any feelings of embarrassment and shame, that might be standing in your way to express yourself. 
Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok 
Hope