Starting my journal

[saylor]

I'm sorry you're suffering, holidayay. I totally relate, too

[holidayay]

A bit better today, hope everyone else who related yesterday is, too? Love to you all 

[holidayay]

The time finally came to pick up my kitten. I've been thinking about (and have been advised many times that pets can help!) getting one for over a year. I took it as a sign when I found one born on my birthday. I brought her home yesterday.

She is the cutest little fluffball, and so calm (playful when she wants to be!). Yesterday after initially staying under the bed for a few hours, she came to join me and slept on my pillow next to my head. I already feel so much happier this morning (usually mornings are the worst, I tend to lie in bed ruminating), I knew I had to get up and sort out her little bits. She's giving me so much joy running around the living room then popping back when she wants a little cuddle.

Thought I'd share a little bit of good news.

[sanmagic7]

pets can make all the difference!  so glad for you that you got that kitten.  my d has a fluffy cat, has had her over 10 yrs. and just loves her to bits, is never happier than when she sleeps w/ my d at naptime.  enjoy enjoy enjoy!!!love and hugs, my dear.

[holidayay]

pets can make all the difference!  so glad for you that you got that kitten.  my d has a fluffy cat, has had her over 10 yrs. and just loves her to bits, is never happier than when she sleeps w/ my d at naptime.  enjoy enjoy enjoy!!!love and hugs, my dear.

Aww that's lovely! Thank you sanmagic 

[stilltrying]

The time finally came to pick up my kitten. I've been thinking about (and have been advised many times that pets can help!) getting one for over a year. I took it as a sign when I found one born on my birthday. I brought her home yesterday.

She is the cutest little fluffball, and so calm (playful when she wants to be!). Yesterday after initially staying under the bed for a few hours, she came to join me and slept on my pillow next to my head. I already feel so much happier this morning (usually mornings are the worst, I tend to lie in bed ruminating), I knew I had to get up and sort out her little bits. She's giving me so much joy running around the living room then popping back when she wants a little cuddle.

Its me holidayay. I can't get onto my original account for some reason. Have tried resetting password, not working for some reason. I just felt this need to journal, type everything out, for my head seems like its bursting at the seams with thoughts and feelings and memories.

Anyway...it's been over a year since I last wrote here. A lot has happened since. I thought of this website today when I woke up feeling pretty rough and transported back to my childhood helplessness. I hadn't slept well yesterday, which always seems to trigger this more than usual.

I feel pretty scared, to be honest. I feel like I am a bad person for feeling scared, helpless and burdening others by not being perfect. I remembered my mum when 'friends' (or rather, children of people SHE knew who I didn't necessarily choose as friends) would come over, and i felt the responsibility left on my shoulders to entertain them, keep them occupied, happy, calm, fed. One particular girl, a few years younger than me, let's call her Rhonda, was clearly troubled. Her behaviour was out of control, she had extreme tantrums and public displays of hysteria. She was loud, chaotic and agitated. My heart would sink when I knew she was coming over, she had been in and out of our lives from when I was around 6. Then from 11-15ish, she made more of an appearance. Her whole family was troubled. Her brothers were friends with my brothers, who behaved like the local hudlums, the kinda teenagers who would run amok and cause trouble on the streets and be rude/crass to girls and demeaning to elderly people. Her mum was a big gossip who seemed to thrive on negativity. My mum would talk badly about her yet indulge her when she was bored.

As usual, I felt responsible for the smooth running of EVERYTHING when Rhonda came over. To keep her quiet, maintained, happy, entertained and not cause problems for my mum - God forbid, otherwise she would scream like a banshee and call me names and take out all of her anger on me. My mum doesn't want any part in looking after anybody, ever. Children are not important to her, at all. Her favourite thing to say whilst smirking is 'i won't listen to someone who was just 'born yesterday', you know nothing'. I still feel myself curling up with shame inside when i think of those words being spat in her native language towards me, everytime i summoned up the courage to voice anything. It put me back in my spot of pathetic little nobody, sharpish. How dare I get out of that spot?

Rhonda was extremely difficult to keep happy. Whether she would pick fights over who is sitting where whilst watching a movie, or pulling random tantrums out of the blue, or just arguing for the sake of it. It took a lot. Sometimes my plans worked to keep her content, other times they didn't. When she would really agitate me, i would speak up and ask for her family to collect her. One time i did that, and her brother came to pick her up, and by the time he had arrived, she had calmed down and we were having a fairly nice time. She pleaded with him to stay and promised she had calmed down since the earlier episode. I saw him drag her into his car and scream at her 'THEY DON'T WANT YOU HERE' and yelling at her to get inside. She started crying hysterically and pleaded with him that she had calmed down, that things were okay now and she WAS behaving herself and please could she just stay and he could ask us about her behaviour.
I watched all this from the window, my heart pounding, feeling so sad about the scene unfolding in front of me. She HAD calmed down, she HAD behaved better later on in the evening and why was there always a need in mine and her family to push us around like this, to treat us with such harshness and cruelty? I felt guilty that I had complained 'too soon' and requested for her family to pick her up when she had started misbehaving. Had I caused this, was poor Rhonda now crying hysterically and feeling awful because of me?

When I think of this today, when it first popped into my head, I get angry at the lack of calm adult intervention and responsibility. Where were the adults in all of this, the mothers, the parental figures? Rhonda was clearly troubled and why was it left on me to deal with her, and just because I was quiet, I very much felt troubled too! But no, my mum was far too self-absorbed to even take the slightest interest and concern, and her mum wasn't that much better for it either.

Moments like those made me feel the weight of the world was on my shoulders - to find answers, to resolve, fix, maintain, manage, keep under control...everything. So my mum wouldn't lash out at me. So I could get just a bit of a break from the relentless pressure of waiting for the next big explosion. If I kept everything running smoothly, then there was less likely to see distressing, chaotic scenes like Rhonda's. And yet when i didn't manage it, it felt like my fault because nobody else was concerned at all.

I feel as pressured and as helpless now as I did back then. I'm really frightened and overwhelmed today.
I'm going to attempt to get my hot water bottle filled and to sit in bed with it, and my cat (who is now 15 months old and so loving and attentive!). I hope this feeling may pass today, but I shall try not to put pressure on me - my inner child - to overcome everything as quickly as a possible. Its okay to sit with it, comfort myself, and feel it. It will pass.

[Armee]

Can I offer a hug?



Aw my heart is breaking for little you having to manage all this alone. The guilt and shame and too much responsibility. Needing to be perfect so everything will be ok. This is very familiar territory for me. I felt nearly exactly the same growing up but you described it so well.

I've also sat in horrible feeling flashbacks around that feeling now as an adult like you describe feeling today.
I don't always recognize it as a flashback. But when I do, it's easier.

You don't need to be perfect anymore. You don't need to solve everything. Yoi get to be you, now. It might not feel like it but it's true.

[Kizzie]

Hey Stilltrying, welcome back to OOTS. So sorry things aren't good for you.  I don't know if you remember but not being perfect is a healthy thing here, it lets us be more human, more ourselves instead of someone trained to take responsibility and ignore our needs and wants. You don't have to take responsibility or care for anyone except yourself here.  Snuggle up with that furry bundle of warmth and joy and let it subside.   

When you are up to it, if you want to move back into your other account I can help with that.  No rush on my end.

Kizzie

[stilltrying]

Hey Stilltrying, welcome back to OOTS. So sorry things aren't good for you.  I don't know if you remember but not being perfect is a healthy thing here, it lets us be more human, more ourselves instead of someone trained to take responsibility and ignore our needs and wants. You don't have to take responsibility or care for anyone except yourself here.  Snuggle up with that furry bundle of warmth and joy and let it subside.   

When you are up to it, if you want to move back into your other account I can help with that.  No rush on my end.

Kizzie

Thank you both for your kind responses. I needed some kindness today    And to be reminded I don't need to be perfect, I'm still safe, okay, acceptable.
I'd like to move back to my other account, yes please Kizzie, but maybe tomorrow as I'm pretty drained from today's feelings. Gonna get ready for bed and hopefully have a good night's sleep

[stilltrying]

I had quite a great break from it all this morning. One of those lovely moments where you feel still, calm, safe. It lasted a little bit and I was able to get a few things done. Like clean my bedroom, send off a work-related email, get some grocery shopping in, and order some plants  I've wanted to order some for a while..my mindshift started changing and I realised I have to commit myself to taking care of me and my inner child first and foremost...and do for her what I so willingly used to do for others. I decided to clean my room and make it cosy because well, a little girl who has been through so much trauma deserves that, at the very least. And a few plants dotted around the place has been shown to reduce stress levels and she deserves this too. No-one cared about her stress levels for so long, when they were constantly heightened and she always felt like death was looming.

I also ordered a warm coloured rug for the flat I share with my friend. I finished my 2-year training at work where I was sent to a city I didn't necessarily choose and didn't know anybody at all...(for those who read any of this journal from the beginning!) - I ended up making a few friends there, in that city I had to abruptly move to in 2019. And I would definitely go back and visit - its a nice countryside place that's sweet for a little weekend visit. I've moved to a much bigger city now, with my close friend of 7 years who is kind, sweet and patient and knows about my past. He never pushes me.  I felt like I wanted to push through my fears and make this dream of mine a reality, even though I was VERY nervous because for me, change causes such a stirring and uprising of all the trauma-stuff until I settled in a bit.

The few few days here were horrific. The sudden change was a massive shock. My nightmares and anxiety shot through the roof. I was expecting it and remembered my therapist's words, that it is normal all kinds of emotions will resurface with change. Though I have 'finished' my session with him, we scheduled in a follow-up session for 6 weeks later - this will be september 7. I'm so glad we did that now, as though things are beginning to settle a little, little me needs the extra support to be honest. And she deserves it.

I've decided to take the first few weeks/months off from work whilst I adjust. Luckily I am now in a place to do that, with a totally flexible contract. One things I massively struggled with in the past 2 years is balancing trauma-work + healing with full-time employment. Its so hard to allow myself to get into my emotions, and allow them to be there, to talk about them, live there, allow my inner child to come out...and then abruptly have to stuff it all back inside at 6am the next morning. Did anyone else find trying to balance the two very dizzying, confusing, disorientating and agitating to their inner child to finally be allowed to come out...only to be effectively shut down the next day? I think all that contributed to what i feel now which is: emotional exhaustion. I'm foggy headed, not sleeping great, unable to connect with others, scared of other people, tired a lot, have random bouts of crying, an there's an underlying fear and anxiety that seems to be residing in the pit of my stomach.

I think my inner child wants me to stop forcing things and let her - and me - be. Stop trying to be there for others, stop trying to pretend everything is fine, stop trying to be a superwoman at work - and just try to relax. And not go on social media and compare myself to others either, which always leaves me feeling awful. Especially in the summer months when it seems like there is SO much to do, and everybody is out doing things and FOMO  feels very real.

Nah. I'm staying in and just started watching Downton Abbey. The cat is sleeping next to me on the rocking chair. Can actually switch off.

[stilltrying]

Some days, it feels like my heart physically aches. Like its a heavy load in my chest.

I somehow got to remembering my school days. Never pleasant...even less so when you have a dysfunctional family with emotionally unavailable parents/care givers.
It made me squirm with embarrassment to remember my high school experience.

There's this distinct feeling of: nothing that i am going through in my day at school matters to anyone, ever, at all, and even showing up i felt embarrassed. Like I should be invisible and apologetic for showing up, taking up space, having others see me. What a horrifying self-image.
I remember the metal gates in front of the queue outside where we all had to line up to be let into the canteen. The weather was always gloomy and the metal gates were depressing. I'd dissociate often. My mum always made a big deal out of food and feeding us at home so I felt embarrassed at...wanting/needing to eat. Like everyone else there - the teachers, the canteen ladies, my friends...would think its a tall order that i be fed. My mum often screeched and yelled at how us being hungry, in her mind, amounted to being awfully greedy and needy - as though it was a big ask of her. The things she likened us, as hungry children, to were awful. Like we were disgusting to her.
I hated asking for what I wanted from the canteen ladies. Like they would be thinking the same of me as my mum did. I hated even reaching out for food, eating, being hungry at all. Like its not acceptable for me to have human needs like that.

So I'd get depressed and dissociate.
My friends would be chatting to other people in the queue and i would feel terrified at my lack of presence - i had no idea how to be and say in those moments. My chatty friend was good at covering it up, bless him. He never seemed to notice, and he certainly never pointed it out. He just chatted and joked to the blonde girl in front of us whilst i felt ashamed and like i had no idea what to say. How can you be 'you' when 'you' in that moment of time is thinking about how you are a greedy beast for being hungry? So I just kept quiet and stared and wished the time away. I'd eat comfort food to feel better than I'd feel sick.

No-one cared what my school day was like. My mum didn't want to hear any of it. Never asked. My eldest siblings just talked about themselves - bragging about how 'tough' they were, the fights they'd been involved in, the cheek they'd showed to the teachers. I'd get into the car and feel sick. I didn't even know how to talk to my own siblings. I felt like they would only notice me if i impressed them, humoured them, or listened willingly to their stories which often didn't actually impress me but made me feel queasy as they were always based on hurting other people/getting one over on others. Laughing at another's expense. Stealing from others. It was sickening.
But if i didn't, they'd space out and not even respond to me, not even acknowledge my presence.

There was no caring parent to ask 'how was your day?'. I'm shocked at how I genuinely believed nothing about my day to day life in school meant NOTHING. I'd study and see my friends and get good grades and believed all of it was inconsequential, boring things that amounted to nothing because no-one else could benefit from it.
That's my mum's reflection back to me on my life in those days: you can't benefit me so none of your everyday life is of any interest to me.
It hurts so much to realise that not only she felt that, but in turn, I was convinced by it too.

The pathway out of the school was an empty walk where the trees and gravel and bushes slowly became devoid of life as i walked further away from the lightness of my friends and being involved, to...the nothingness of what it felt to be who i 'really' was. The roads, the fields, the grass, the tennis courts, the houses, the bus stops...all the way home morphed into representing that eerie nothingness that i'd have to go back into once i got home.

I'm realising more and more recently what it means to grieve. And today, I'm grieving for the losses of my childhood and school days. How normal, safe things were distorted. How my everyday reality at school - no different to the other kids - was snatched away as a felt experience and forced into an existential dustbin. I mourn the vitality and happiness and excitement and also the negative feelings - the exhaustion of working hard, the sadness of being rejected by a boy i liked, the feeling of being left out when i wasn't involved with the popular crowd....the huge variety of NORMAL feelings and experiences that children get from school which weren't supposed to be pushed down, discarded, dismissed, not even ACKNOWLEDGED, but are supposed to be a lived experience, ones which are guided and helped and supported and celebrated by loving family members.
Yes, my heart aches for those experiences and the negative, distorted belief systems that I got out of them due to the lack of love and care from my family.

I - and i'm sure many others on this website - deserved much better. Much love to us all who never received that 'much better' - when that 'much better' meant simply the norm and baseline and bare minimum for other kids. How cruel and unfair it was on us.

[stilltrying]

Reflections

I saw a video/pictures of a beautiful happy bride today, being given away by her Dad and her family around her.
It struck me how immediately scared I felt - how was she okay with looking so beautiful, have her father give her away with smiles on their faces, their whole family celebrating around them? Celebrating her?
Why did I think this?? I realised my mum and older siblings growing up hated if someone else shone. If someone was beautiful, or had a nice figure, or something that gave them attention.
I'm so used to playing small to avoid feeling scared of making someone experience jealousy so then they will attack or humiliate me.
I'm used to preferring to be plain, ugly, not courting any attention, 'nothing to see here!' vibe because its been trained into me that its not fair on mum or eldest sister to not have the same opportunities, or attention, or happiness.

I'm scared of happiness and vitality and celebrating ME, I immediately associate it with 'putting others out' and somehoe immediately making others feel small by having any kind of victories/successes and that's somehow an unfair burden on them and its not nice for them and i feel terribly guilty.

This is such an uncomfortable realisation, urgh. My tummy feels quesy as it dawns on me, and the queasiness begins too spread out around my body as I think about it more.

I feel guilty to feel or look pretty, i feel guilty to achieve, or succeed, or to find anyone who loves me, or to wear a lovely white dress and feel like a beautiful bride. I can just imagine my mum and siblings like the mum from the movie 'Tangled' seething an unable to tolerate how seeing that would make them feel so intolerably awful and like they've missed out and its so unfair on them....

Oh my god. Is this stockholm syndrome? Logically, this is ludicrous and yet emotionally...i feel loyal to the feelings of my abusers and people who treat others in general absolutely horrifically. yikes.

[Armee]

That's a really painful realization. I spent my whole life trying to protect others' (mom's) feelings too so it's interesting to ponder your question about Stockholm.

[stilltrying]

That's a really painful realization. I spent my whole life trying to protect others' (mom's) feelings too so it's interesting to ponder your question about Stockholm.

Yeah, its very uncomfortable to think about at first. But then I guess, only natural under the circumstances? Perhaps, maybe. 

[stilltrying]

I've been focusing on healing. Practising being kind to myself, interrupting the inner critic.
It can be really hard at times, and other times, I can see it pay off! Very up and down.
I've had some really good progress lately. Then...as they always say - 'healing isn't linear' - another fork in the road appears. Lately its been these emotions in my dreams...the images in the dreams aren't so much the problem anymore thankfully, but the emotions that come up.......there's one particular feeling which i think may have been one of my earliest traumatic feelings i couldn't cope with - and that is of: complete, horrifying abandonment that injects with a sense of absolute terror and emptiness. Its awful. I wake up completely in that moment.
I don't even really have the word for it. Its so hard to describe. I think its the worst feelings I had as a child, which I never wanted to feel again so i started to dissociate/people please to make sure they didn't leave me. I'd wrack my brain continuously, furiously, to think of what to say, do, give, BE to make sure people liked me and wanted to be around me.
And now i'm experiencing this feeling in my sleep...is it any wonder we develop these coping mechanisms to avoid from feeling that way.
If its so unbearable to deal with now as an adult....i can only imagine how much worse it is for a little helpless child.