Starting my journal

[holidayay]

Ahh yes, jigsaws are great. I know what you mean, I don't find the scenery ones that great. I have one that is a painting of lots of kittens playing around, completed it a few weeks ago. Its a great way to just switch off and get excited about finding another piece that fits.
You're right about stationery - and I'm happy for you, that you buy some of yourself, too. Gel pens were very exciting - did you ever seen the ones that promised they smelt of the flavour of their colour haha - like green apple?

[holidayay]

I have had a big flare up in my healing.
People keep saying its good, it means I am processing things, purging, addressing things,
It feels WRONG. Like going backwards, a slow descent into the horror and helplessness.
My sleep is of course, blasted to shreds.
I have oscillated from complete nihlism/depression, existential angst, to ferocious anger, to finally deep sadness and crying yesterday.
The trigger was older ladies at work who are not kind, who talk about people behind their backs, who made my anxiety soar.
Rumination, thoughts playing in loops, replaying past events, and terrible shame have been consuming me.

I just about managed to get up and brush my teeth just now.
I can't say I'm helping myself much. I try, but its too much. I've been coping by smoking, reading posts on reddit about cptsd that are now just making me feel much worse and more helpless than anything.

I go back to work properly next week and I am dreading it.

Maybe I need to go back to the stage where I need to focus on establishing safety within myself, right now. Everything else feels too much.
Any other big task is a tall order.
How should I do that?
I mean...I've put on my heated blanket and got on a hot water bottle under my feet. Very comforting.
What's next?
Podcasts?
Cleaning?
Showering?
I really should shower, my hair feels pretty gross.
Maybe I'll feel better after I have a shower.

I hope to just feel better, today, that is all.

[rainydiary]

Thank you for sharing your experiences- it resonates with me. 

[holidayay]

I went back to work this week, after having a few weeks off.
I had a showdown at work a few weeks ago where I unleashed my real thoughts about the horrendous toxic culture that can exist in hospitals in the UK. Occasionally in my life, maybe once a year, if I am pushed enough, I reach a stage where I don't care about any consequences at all, and state exactly what I think, and all bets are off. I told her I wouldn't care about ever returning to this job and the uninspiring, petty schoolyard bullying-type behaviour.
Then I walked out of my shift and said I was unsure when/IF I will be back.

I had a few weeks off which were miserable. Constant rumination, weighing up what was wrong with me all the time, am i inherently flawed and bad and awful? Is this why things happen to me?
Of course, its the internalisation of other people's external behaviour that occurred to children who don't have stable foundations.
I returned to work this week and saw that every single person who I found problematic on the team - other team members had the EXACT same issues with, and some had even encountered worse behaviour from them.
This made me so angry, as validating as it was.

Because it makes me realise how much inner work i still have to do. I still very much feel like everything is my fault, and shame creeps in very quickly, when people behave poorly towards me. It feels immediate that its somehow my fault. And then hearing everyone else's stories and witnessing the bad behaviour towards other staff - its not me that's to blame for every single toxic person in this damn world.
And yet I always still feel like its a reflection of ME.

I'm getting extremely disheartened by the constant realisations of the flaws within my personality make-up that makes life more difficult than it ought to be. Its constant realisations and constant WORK to counteract it. To actively tell myself 'nope, its not you, its the crazy consultant who also rings the other doctor and screams profanities at him'. It sounds so obvious cognitively. Yet emotionally, it doesn't STICK so easily.
Its making me really angry that the blueprints for my emotional health and regulation was so * and now I have to undo it all, its constant work. Unpaid and unrecognised, on top of a full time job that is already stressful enough.

I'm taking myself off to another city today to visit my 2 friends and hopefully have some FUN. And then on Monday I am going to see my other friend, who is always delightful. And looking at next week's rota - the dreaded consultant isn't working that week so thank goodness I'll have a break from being around her and getting triggered by her extremely taxing personality.

[Mary Ann]

I really hope you enjoy visiting your friends, sounds like your due a little fun.
I can't imagine how awful your work situation is....it sounds like my idea of a nightmare....but then I find people terrifying.
I empathise with you when you tell yourself no it's not you it's them....and it doesn't stick...
It's like there's a huge difference between what we think/know...and what we feel. Living with cptsd is exhausting, attempting to manage our own ups and downs is a full time job in itself. ..then working full time with people who are hard work to get  along with...it must be such a challenge.
I only work part time...with my husband, we clean windows for a living! Nothing involved, or complicated about it! Yet I can still be triggered by my own thoughts while I'm working, or by how someone looks at me, or being in a certain place.... I can end up fearful and panicked and have to leave and I only work with people I know!
Seriously, I'd be unemployable to anyone else!
It's like the cptsd stuff has me overstretched, emotionally working to capacity already, without any other of the day to day normal things....
Anyway...just wanted to say I'm sending you best wishes, and I hope you have a nice few days with your friends and plenty of coffee and cake and laughs.

[holidayay]

I am so angry today.
Angry at every look of disgust, every scathing comment, every mocking jeer, every dark facial expression, every put-down over COMPLETELY NORMAL THINGS my mum directed at me when i was little - those are the little ROOT CAUSES that specifically made me cower and shrivel inside, slowly start to kill off parts of myself as i tried to figure out exactly what the * i - a little kid - needed to do in order to be loved and accepted and cared for. Those are the initial behaviours that slowly took me out of myself, out of a world of innate safety, and into the dark abyss of emptiness, shame, fear and threat of annihiliation...a big dark vast expanse of nothingness. Out of which, I am still trying to find my way.
She purposely cut short my childhood with such rigour and such absolute force - so i could join her in her misery and convoluted world of nonsense and fear. I hate her for it. I have nothing but disdain for her. She owes me so much, not least to take responsibility and accountability for her despicable actions. Now, i have nothing but all the disgust and anger she had for me - i'm sending it right back to the source from whence it came. Her. It always belonged to her. She just wanted to give it to others so she could exist freely in this dark plane no-one in their right mind would want to be a part of.
She fully deserves to roam there for the rest of her life, alone and in abject horror.
Good.
The anger I have is so huge and all-consuming. I'm not even fighting it off anymore or trying to quickly replace it with something more acceptable for the benefit of others, who are the 'others' that deserve a nice coddled environment at the expense of my truth? They're human just like me, and have no reason to be more deserving of the absence of discomfort than i do.
So yes, I'm FURIOUS.

[paul72]

Hi holidayay
Thank you for sharing your anger,, your completely justified anger.  I love that you are sending it right back to her.
It sounds a little like a rallying cry.. and forgive me but I'm cheering in the background for you.
Not because you are consumed with anger, but because you are expressing it.. and it sounds so healthy and honest to me,
I hope you can use it in the best way possible for your healing, whatever that might be. 

[Armee]

I'm virtually holding your hand through the anger. Your anger belongs, it is right, and you don't need to be alone through it.

[holidayay]

I'm virtually holding your hand through the anger. Your anger belongs, it is right, and you don't need to be alone through it.

Thank you 

[holidayay]

I'm in such a state of ambivalence these days.
I don't really care for anything very much.
But then i also get very angry.
I suddenly just want to yell at my therapist all the time. I can see and hear myself being somewhat rude to him and i just don't care, until later on then i feel a guilty.
Everything in the world seems topsy turvy and yet we're supposed to work on ourselves to make it make sense.

I hate ramadan too. My mum and brothers used to talk about this month, which was awful for me. My mum used to spend hours making huge feasts for my brothers and his male friends whilst the girls in the family were just expected to shut up and steer clear. We weren't allowed any friends. And we didn't get to eat with them either.
I constantly feel i have to make myself invisible, just like i did back then.
I am bursting to confront my mother, brother, all of them. My brothers got to enjoy their pedestal, why didn't they choose to say 'oh you know what, my little sisters don't deserve to be shunned and hidden and not eat with the rest of us?'.
Pathetic excuses of men.
I can't stand Muslim anything  - and no-one come at me for islamophobia. I'm saying I'm averse to a religion which was used to traumatise and trigger me, and I am allowed to think of it in whatever negative association my mind made with it as a result of people who follow it, who used it to further only themselves.

I

[Armee]

Sending some hugs and support.  You didnt deserve to be shunned by your own family.

[Mary Ann]

I'm sorry you weren't allowed friends.
I hope you get to enjoy your friendships now as a grown up person.
Sending hugs

[holidayay]

The past few weeks have been horrendous.

A new friend I made who I invited over for a weekend has turned out to be extremely hard work. She talks about herself and all her problems constantly, doesn't pause, doesn't allow me to talk about anything else, seems to constantly want me and others to pay for her, and has a very turbulent relationship which is constantly crisis filled.
I just want her to leave. I hope she leaves today. She has an appointment in her hometown tomorrow, so she'll definitely have to go by then.

I'm also parting ways with my therapist.
A few weeks ago, I felt I was becoming a bit too dependent and feeling like i wished i had him as a friend in my life - transference - and it didn't sit well with me to be that attached so i suggested a few weeks off. He advised to attend therapy to talk about whatever might be coming up, I got very very angry at myself and lashed out via email that i did not want to, and what use is it anyway just to continue attending once a week to regurgitate my old stuff to someone sat there paid to listen and i also threw at him all my frustrations and anger at therapy in general - how is it that those of us who are sick and weakened from an early age, have to paradoxically be functioning and earning A LOT to be able to AFFORD to pay to heal from that which has broken us?
I told him i can't imagine how he can reconcile this in his mind - how he knows so much about trauma, and the effects and still be a part of the astonishing broken system - charging people so much just to be able to be in a chance with healing.
We're already broken - that's the whole point - we are traumatised and trauma means our lives and ability to carry out day to day functions are affected, and yet in order to go towards healing, we need the money to pay, pay, pay. All these treacherous 'healers' out there, offering books, resources, therapy, courses - all attached to MONEY - it sickens me. I simply cannot get my head around it. How people can comfortably monetise on childhood suffering.
Its disgusting.
And i KNOW the other side of it: that therapists have to pay for the rooms and their training etc etc etc but this is not for the traumatised child to have to take the burden of. How on earth is it true relational healing if - we sit there for an hour, disclosing our deepest secrets and at the end, receive a bill? It is and always be transactional.
At best, I believe therapy can be a good starting point for when you have no idea and no clue and just starting out on the healing journey - after that, forget it. Someone paid to listen to you automatically negates any positive effect.
The minute it becomes transactional, is the minute it mirrors early selfish abusive parenting styles that are the root cause. I will only show up for you if you are giving ME.

Anyway he wanted to do a final phone call, at least. I enquired what he wanted to discuss, as goodbyes and meaningless well wishes for the future when i am deeply traumatised do nothing for me, and in fact, trigger me due to my past history of experiencing lossess.
He said 'let us make space for whatever comes up'.
i agreed and then when he rang, he didn't make space at all. He spoke very quickly and said exactly what i asked him not to say. I do not say it lightly when i ask for certain things not to be mentioned, anyone with any understanding of triggers will know what i mean. And  he didn't make space at all, he just wanted to do the phone call on his terms - goodbye and i wish you well.
I hung up and had a vasovagal episode and then an anxiety attack, and went right back into a massive flashback. I tried calling him back and he ignored my phone call.
In my desperation, i texted my old counsellor and asked if she was able to call me urgently. Thankfully she was, and she was able to calm me down a bit.
I then lay down and stared at the wall for 3 hours until i could be sure i could get up and not feel like im going to die again.
I went to see him for a session to talk about it, a week later, and he was not helpful at all.

I'm so, so exhausted. I think I am going to steer clear of therapists for a while, at least, and focus on getting back to basics.
I feel ridiculously let down. I remember a few weeks ago when i was worrying about the effect of my trauma on him, he asked 'do you trust me' and i said yes, but i don't trust this trauma and how big it can get and engulf people.
I don't trust him at all now. I have never, never had such an experience with a long term therapist before, ever. I never did this type of deeply traumatic work before, i had other modes of treatment in the past.
Guys, if you are seeking a so-called trauma-informed therapy and want to work towards the root cause - be very, very careful. Choose someone who is VERY seasoned and VERY experienced. And, tbh, a female. Females in my experience have just an additional innate sense of caring that males simply cannot match. The female therapist who rang me to calm down said 'im so shocked that having known your history, and you asked him not to say goodbye, he went ahead and did it and didn't even try to ask you questions about what was coming up for you'.

Don't waste your time and money. Be careful and tbh, most of the truly helpful stuff, is stuff ive found that is totally free.

[Armee]

This is all so painful, Holidayay. I found myself holding my breath the whole time I read it. I wish I had something worth saying but I really hear and feel these huge triggers and massive pain and betrayal.

[holidayay]

This is all so painful, Holidayay. I found myself holding my breath the whole time I read it. I wish I had something worth saying but I really hear and feel these huge triggers and massive pain and betrayal.

Thank you Armee. So much.

The girl finally went home today, so that's something. I cleaned up the flat and made my room comfortable again. Try to re-establish safety, i guess.

Things don't make much sense at the moment. I feel extremely disillusioned, and sad. I want to cry. I want somebody to tell me it will be okay, that there is a way out of this. My soul is worn down.
Everything I believed in - hope, faith, change - it's all gone. I feel nothing most of the time. And when I do, its nothing but existential, pessimisstic despair.
Why couldn't I have been allowed to have been a child, just for a bit longer? Why couldn't I have just had a break from the torment and shaming and responsibilities that just kept breaking me apart, all the time.
I'm crying down, finally the tears have come.
I'm devastated and horrified.
Psychologists talk of the true self lying under the layers covered and woven by the false self.....all those layers have been unravelled and the small, helpless, scared little girl that is my true self is just here, just resurrected and doesn't feel as anymore supported as when she was last allowed to roam free.

I don't know what to do. I thought I had all the answers.
I had the top marks, the bursaries, the education, the top job.
I spent years working with my external appearance to present something attractive.
I travelled, collected hobbies, learnt about the world.
And yet here I am, still a shell. Its all undone.

My therapist emailed back to me outlining basically my desire to back off - he gently suggested trying this week.
What should I do? I don't know.
I don't know if my upset with him in my last post is reasonable enough to end it - or is it part of the process, as he always says, and encourages me to bring it into the room. Is it my inner child running the show? Interpreting the events in a overly emotional fashion?
I did trust him before. He was very kind. And accommodating. To give him credit, at a time when i was struggling for money, he insisted it was okay not to pay him until i got back on my feet and that it was important to continue the work.
He is kind and gentle and sweet-natured and introspective and finds some of my wry, dry humour comments funny.
Sometimes when I go off into my own world and mumble things out loud about my devastation at parting with my beliefs in kindness and empathy, he validates it. Once he even had tears in his eyes.
I don't know what to think. Maybe he is nice. Maybe i should go back this week and try again, and just tell him everything and hope we can build safety again.
He says everything that is happening now is part of the process and actually is a good sign, even if it feels so tough.
I wish there was a guarantee on that.

Sigh.
It feels good that the tears came out. And that my home is quiet once more.
And...its my birthday this week. All of my favourite people will be in attendance.

And....and there is one bit of positive news. I joined a friendship app to get to know new girls locally. I decided to complete the profile with full authenticity, laying out some of my quirks. Like the thing i do which my friend always loves: notice little nuances and quirks people do that makes me giggle, but which i try to stifle and apparently it doesn't look as subtle as I think. The profile attracted lots of like-minded girls. One of them I met up with last week who is just wonderful. Intelligent, funny, caring, insightful, introspective, kind. Similar to my therapist. Maybe this transference business was useful to help me figure out what it was i am looking for more of in my friendships now.
I've had to release quite a few friends in the past few years who are not really like that - the kind that continue the demands of my family: to always be the ones who are heard and helped and take centre stage.
It doesn't interest me anymore.

Wow. I didn't even really know i had so much to say. Just freestyling my thoughts. Sorry if it all came out a jumbled mess.