Starting my journal

[holidayay]

I'm back here again. It's been 9 months since I wrote in here.
A lot has happened since.
Some good.
The best of all: I met my now boyfriend not long after I last posted here. An incredibly kind, loving man. He makes me feel loved and cherished and valued. And most importantly of all: safe.
And with that, came its own challenges. First, how to learn to trust in safety with another, in an intimate relationship.
Then, how to let him in.
Slow and steady really was the best way, in this case.

I found newer depths that needed healing, that comes with this new experience. Firstly, the disparity between healthy love and care, and what I received at home. The gap is highlighted, so blaringly, when you have something in real time to contrast it against.
It has made me feel sick and horrified and traumatised all over again. Knowing just how abnormal it is and just so far removed from how more healthy people treat people they love.
It made me realise: I didn't have a single person growing up, with whom I felt safe with. Safe to express my feelings and needs.
There were obviously 'dangerous' people then there the less obvious, but for whatever reason, still unsafe. Maybe partly because I had learnt too strongly from early on 'people' aren't safe, so I stopped trying. Or maybe everyone else around me was also damaged and traumatised, too much so to be able to offer anything safe.
It's a horrible, sobering realisation.
My brother who everyone generally said was my 'special connection' - not really. I was both scared of him and felt like I had to look after him and somehow take care of his comfort. He was volatile to people around me. Sometimes he also lost his temper with me. Never hit me, but had extremely short fuse that had me always anxious about when he made pop off.
It was all fake. A fake pretense that we had a special bond. Because we looked alike and supposedly he was fond of me.
I didn't feel fond of him. I felt like I had to be, to show it, and to convince myself of it.
I didn't feel safe with him.
I felt scared and anxious around him and FOR him. And I felt incredibly sad for him. Sad for his depressive episodes, for his painful anger, for his distress.
He died aged only 25 and I was 16. I cried endlessly in the 19 years since. Not because of his death, but because of his life. His suffering.
His suffering that was as valid as mine. That prevented us from having the bond we could have had. That prevented him from being able to exist beyond his crushing suffering.
I don't know really why I am saying all this.
I feel like I am grieving. Not as I said, because he died, but because he never really lived.

[dollyvee]

Hi Holidayay,

I'm sorry you're going through those realizations with your brother right now, but it does sound like there is healing happening, even if it is difficult. I'm sorry you had to do those things for someone else and be put in that position to do them.

I've started reading through your journal and I relate to a lot of the things you were writing about in the beginning with your family and trying to find your own way through university. You have such a clear voice and I think it's great that you can express yourself so clearly. I still struggle with being "seen" and therefore being humiliated/getting into trouble etc etc and can relate to your dream about having your journal go viral.

Also, it makes me angry to hear that the advice of the NHS is to not go private because it can be tricky when they don't offer any subsequent treatment for people with cptsd (who aren't a suicide risk). I feel like there is a teeny tiny grain of truth in this, but the benefits and what is actually available, far outweigh the negatives.

Sending you support and it's great that you've found your own path through everything,
dolly

[holidayay]

Thank you Dolly. I really appreciated your kind message. I understand the fear of been seen and humiliated. It's startling to read someone who posted such a kind, thoughtful message, feels that. I suppose because to me it feels like you sound like a warm person and don't deserve to feel that way at all. I guess that's with most of us on here.

People do keep saying the healing is happening. And I guess I can see it. It just....seems to get deeper the more layers I go through and the innermost ones hurt so bad....but I will continue.

Today was a win. I woke up from bad dreams, decided to take on some of the things I've learnt and not to sit in bed and wallow. Accept that the dreams are my subconscious trying to process things and leave it be. So I got up, stroked the cat, brushed my teeth and went to the gym. I had a really invigorating workout.
Then I came home and did therapy - EMDR via Zoom.
Stuff came up that I didn't expect and then I cried and it felt like it was released. I've felt tired and worn out since, which is to be expected.

So I'm sitting watching Monster In Law for an easy watch, whilst my boyfriend is out for dinner. He gives the best hugs though, so I'm excited for him to come home.

Also, just realised I think I posted about my cat when I first got her as a kitten on her? Wow...the time has flown and so much has changed. She is now 4 and a half and is a big, fluffy, cuddling furball!

[dollyvee]

Thank you Dolly. I really appreciated your kind message. I understand the fear of been seen and humiliated. It's startling to read someone who posted such a kind, thoughtful message, feels that. I suppose because to me it feels like you sound like a warm person and don't deserve to feel that way at all. I guess that's with most of us on here.

Thank you holiday, and sending a hug if that's ok    I was put through a lot by (NPD) apeople who felt justified doing what they were doing (all in my best interests because they knew better). So, I do very much get that and it can be a struggle because at times it's just a freeze response. Anyways, I get it.

Today was a win. I woke up from bad dreams, decided to take on some of the things I've learnt and not to sit in bed and wallow. Accept that the dreams are my subconscious trying to process things and leave it be. So I got up, stroked the cat, brushed my teeth and went to the gym. I had a really invigorating workout.
Then I came home and did therapy - EMDR via Zoom.
Stuff came up that I didn't expect and then I cried and it felt like it was released. I've felt tired and worn out since, which is to be expected.

Just wanted to validate that it sounds like you're doing a good job of taking care of yourself and your needs 

I also had similar situations to what happened with your friend who "dropped" you when you showed your anxiety. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I feel like I made it out and turned into a pretty ok functioning adult on the outside. So, when I do reveal things about myself that are not taken well (people have no idea how to react when I'm truthful about my family; most of them can't relate) it can feel so alienating. Like it just reinforces those "you're broken" narratives in my mind. I also had a friend basically drop me after I moved to the UK and didn't fit into her new middle class life where she started caring about what kind of accents her children were going to have. Like who was I talking to? I knew where she grew up! Unfortunately, now I think I keep myself much more guarded to new friendships, which I think can also alienate people, but I'm working on it. Sorry, I'm rambling in your journal. I just wanted to say I know how fraught friendships can be.

Sending you support,
dolly

[holidayay]

I've just woken up from dreams where I was watching people from my old and present life going to an old school friend's birthday party, evolving, growing up and I was excluded and I felt so, so distressed. The feelings have carried on with me now and I feel distraught, somehow?
My heart is pounding so hard and I feel really distressed. Why would such a dream cause such a huge reaction? And how do I calm down?

[dollyvee]

Hey holidayay,

In my experience growing up in a NPD household, I was constantly "not good enough," which I even probably started feeling from an age I don't even remember. Comparing myself to other people and how if I could only have x, or look like x, or not do x, was a way try and get the love/acceptance etc that I never received growing up. Perhaps this internal compass of feeling less than is still active in your subconscious?

Sending you support,
dolly

[holidayay]

Hey holidayay,

In my experience growing up in a NPD household, I was constantly "not good enough," which I even probably started feeling from an age I don't even remember. Comparing myself to other people and how if I could only have x, or look like x, or not do x, was a way try and get the love/acceptance etc that I never received growing up. Perhaps this internal compass of feeling less than is still active in your subconscious?

Sending you support,
dolly

I resonate so much with this. And your astute observation that it's still active in my subconscious. It absolutely is    I find I still have to actively convince myself I am just as deserving as others and it's okay to just be me. It's very hard to remember this all the time, especially when I'm stressed.
Hope you have been keeping well.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I've just woken up from dreams where I was watching people from my old and present life going to an old school friend's birthday party, evolving, growing up and I was excluded and I felt so, so distressed. The feelings have carried on with me now and I feel distraught, somehow?
My heart is pounding so hard and I feel really distressed. Why would such a dream cause such a huge reaction? And how do I calm down?

That sounds like an awful dream, holidayay. Sounds so isolating. I know it's a little late by now but maybe advice for the future... (which of course you are free to ignore if you don't want to do it). When I have particularly bad dreams like this, I find it helps to...
1. Get out of bed, out of your bedroom - look around your house and reassure yourself of your current place in time.
2. Wash your hands with warm water, it's very soothing and acts as a sensory distraction.
3. Read something light for a few minutes, or try to remember the plot of a book/movie you like.

It won't take away the memories of your dream, but it usually helps me to relax a little, and see the dream in a more calmer manner.

Hoping the nightmares have left you alone this past month!

Regards,
Aphotic.

[holidayay]

I'm not sleeping well, again.
My dreams consist of movie-like sequences, of people from the past, desperate states from childhood, and unresolved feelings.
There are so many of them and they feel so heavy, it's so hard.
Today I was incapacitated by them. When I first woke up. I felt such a heavy depressive sensation.
It took me a while to go have a shower, and then I was so exhausted from trying to hold on, I fell asleep on the sofa and had a broken sleep for 3 hours.

I'm not quite sure what to do with myself today.
Stuck in some limbo state between exhaustion and thick anxiety. I feel helpless. Like this will never get better.

I feel such despair that my life keeps playing out in cycles like this.
And how it all makes sense, this is how the people around me made me live until the age of 18.
I still remember when I was a child, confused and unhappy, wondering why I only sometimes felt okay and free and even like I could have fun ....and then all this coming to a complete end when my father passed and my NPD mum took full control.
She scowled on fun, on feelings, on needs, on anything that took the attention away from her.
I can't even think about it too much without feeling sick.
I feel like I am in shock.
Shock at the realisations of what I lived with for so long.
That life was just depression, anxiety, fear, very disturbed sense of self since I was young. And that this woman, this 'mother' did all of that.
It makes me feel sick to my stomach. I have such feelings of anger and frustration at her, and the situation.
My life could have been so different, just less torturous. Without these constant sleep issues.
I feel so helpless about the future. How will the sun ever really shine again when even when it does, I can't see or feel it? And can you really reclaim yourself after you have been spiritually robbed?
I don't know.

I don't know how to look after myself today. My partner has been looking after me and I am worrying I am putting a lot on him. He is sleeping right now, on the sofa.
The cat is curled up on the sofa next to his.
With a cosy lamp on.
I'm looking at them thinking how much the real me, under all of this darkness, would love such a scene. And remembering a time when such a scene would bring me joy and comfort. And yet I feel nothing besides despair.
I just feel sad.

[holidayay]

I wonder if this is some sort of 'legitimate' stage in the healing...I've recently been feeling extremely shocked and disturbed by the unspoken rules and dynamics at home that governed my childhood.
Being around abusers - siblings and mother - and being forced into cognitive dissonance. Not even knowing the harm they are doing has a name or that it is illegal or wrong, and then at the same time being forced to live a life where by they are 'mum' and 'sister' and 'brother' even though they behaved nothing like these roles at all.
It's making me feeling rageful and shocked to think of this.
Years of being bullied by them AND at the same time, somehow behaving as though they were just family members and all this is just normal.
It's so messed up, it makes me mind hurt.
It's so hard to get healthier now ..to have a healthy relationship and healthier friendships where all it seems to do at times is shine a light on just how abnormal the 'rules of engagement' were, growing up.
It scares me to think I likely did have lots of disruptions to my development. And what this means in practice. And...can you catch up? Can you 'resume' the development growth?
I can't believe my development was stunted so much....it just keeps shocking me that I lived with essentially abusers and bullies until around 16-18 and somehow was conditioned and groomed into accepting all of it as normal.
What on earth did that do to my development?
To blame myself for bad behaviour?
To be unable to see bad behaviour from others in real time because bad behaviour doesn't get called out and there is no right to object against it and somehow I ended up fawning to try to make the situation better.
Fawning with my abusers...the thought makes me sick now. Eww. Trying to placate and look after their needs and put them above my own when they didn't give one shred of care - in fact, they were more than happy to actively be harmful.

It makes me feel extremely sickened and disturbed. Like I want to shake this off and put of my system.
It's repulsive.
Has anyone experienced something similar?

[AphoticAtramentous]

Holidayay, I can resonate with what you've written here, yes. Gaslighting can be a very unfortunately powerful thing, being mistreated but at the same time being told that it's "normal". And as children, why would we ever question them? Why would we question the people who raise us when society constantly recites "Listen to your parents/elders! They know best!".
How unfair it is to be abused as a child, and then thrown and cast out into the open world to fend for ourselves. Feels kind of like we've been restrained by a ball and chain and then placed into an arena. It is unacceptable!

Regards,
Aphotic.

[holidayay]

I feel detached from myself a lot these days. I'm numb and overwhelmed and scared.
And in deep, deep grief.
I can't even see how I will get out of this and feel better?

[holidayay]

So, a lot has happened over the last 6 months or so. My head is still trying to process everything so I thought I'd come on here and write it all out, to perhaps try to consolidate it all.
We - my partner and I (did I update this blog at all that I met my now partner a year ago? And that he is sweet and kind? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it finally happened for me - I broke our of my old rubbish dating habits and gave one of the good ones a chance and finally in a loving relationship!) moved twice over the past of 5 months.
Let me backtrack a bit. My old tenancy was coming to an end. The relationship had been going pretty well, and he didn't want to stay in his old place sharing with someone he didn't particularly like living with, so we looked into joining forces and move in together.
The city I live in is pretty expensive and we were spending all our time together anyway so it made sense.
I loved my old flat; I spent 3 years making the area 'home' and 'safe. I still remember when I first moved in there - and I don't know about all of you but moving and change has been a huge trigger for me in the past. It takes a heck of a lot of effort and time to make somewhere 'familiar' and 'home' to me. I'm sure that's not just a CPTSD thing, seems like it would be a regular thing for most humans when uprooted.

[holidayay]

I switched to my laptop to continue typing because *finally* I have tapped into my feelings and now have the urge to type in more detail.
Where was I? Ah, yes. Moving and change. How it can really scramble us up. I was talking about how it took me a long time to make my old area feel 'safe' and like 'home'. I feel warm and fuzzy when I think about it. It sheltered me and gave me a safe, calm environment in which to bring my pain.
However, it did come with some problems. It is in an area where planes fly low, as it is close to a major airport. The noise of the aircrafts at times, were really antagonizing. Especially when you already have sleep issues and dysregulation and all of that.
Then, for 6 months of last year, the tenant in the flat downstairs of my block decided to renovate - and it was 6monthhs of DAILY DRILLING and banging and sawing. Noise aggravates my tense nervous system like that. Especially what I call 'obnoxious' sounds - like those of electric drills and saws. I just about got through those 6 months but not unaffected.
The other thing with noise in that flat was that it was on a somewhat main road which had potholes and the cars whooshing past were so loud and made my floors and furniture shake and vibrate. And it was a tad expensive.
And it was a rather small flat. So, with all this in mind, we decided we would move somewhere quieter, bigger and a bit cheaper.
We searched for homes within commuting distance of my partner and my place of work. We found an area we liked that would take me roughly one hour to get to work. It was still somewhat doable to get in and out of the major city, but definitely 'out' of it and more surburban. For some reason, in my bubble of love, I completely forgot about how moving to completely new areas triggers me so badly. And this new area was VERY unfamiliar. It was TOO quiet. We didn't know anybody there. And the houses in surburban areas can really be a triggering factor...there is something about the quiet, big, lovely houses that I spent some of my childhood in, juxtaposed against the awful, neglectful, damaging abuse that I experienced that makes me feel incredibly alone and sad.
So, I started to spiral. I missed living IN the big city I lived in before, with all its constant activity, and where I had friends and places of familiarity. I tried to sit tight and make it work and build new safety. Then, we found out we were pregnant. It wasn't intended and a complete surprise, but as we both always wanted kids, it was also a bit of joy.
Sadly, though, as the weeks went on, the mix of hormones and anxiety over being a new mum and being in an unfamiliar home took a huge toll on me. The CPTSD came roaring back with massive vigour. I had access to brilliant psychological services in the new area, at least, and the psychologist explained to me that moving house, being newly pregnant and CPTSD were the perfect storm. She encouraged me to spend time in my old area if possible, for the feeling of familiarity and safety. And that if it was possible, moving back would be a perfectly acceptable thing to do if that's what it took to make me feel safe and grounded.
This was an incredibly taxing time for my partner, who says he often felt helpless and fearful for me, watching me go through this and feeling like he couldn't do anything to physically take some of the pregnancy burdens away from me. We both stressed so much about the future, and how to get out of our new rental contract without penalty.
Somehow, the stars were aligned in our favour, and when we explained our situation to our letting agent, they came back to us and told us our landlord said he is happy for us to exit our contract with no penalty fees. (Sometimes, life can give you the glimmers you so badly need).
I began to feel better, knowing I'd be going 'home' and tried to calm my anxiety over the pregnancy.
We booked in our first scan. I was excited, and felt it would become more 'real' to see out baby on a scan. We made our way over, and I remember texting someone beforehand that we were going to the clinic.
Somehow, the next moments were a blur. One minute we were inside the room, waiting in trepidation to hear news about the progress of the baby, and the next....we were together in a quiet separate room, crying in each other's arms after being told there was no heartbeat. It was devastating. I was told I'd had a silent miscarriage. In all my anxiety and CPTSD flare-up...I hadn't realised - until I heard the words from the sonographer that the baby (foetus? embryo?) did not have a heartbeat, and had likely stopped having a heartbeat 3 days prior - how much I had, on some level beneath the mental health symptoms, wanted the baby.
We cried our way through the next few days, as we navigated attending hospital appointments for the next steps on miscarriage management.
Our friends showed up for us in abundance. I had never before seen such strength of force in support of my experiencing an adverse event. I was stunned at how much strength and comfort you can derive from others in times of distress - as many of us on here know, that is not often the experience you have in childhood when you have CPTSD - there is no template to let you know this is what CAN happen.
We were able to process it and get through it so much better than what I had experienced of surviving difficult situations previously.
And then, we took affirmative steps and looked for a new home. Close to my old flat, but not in the exact same neighbourhood to avoid the aircraft noise and the noise from the main road.
We found a beautiful little flat, with a gorgeous small balcony (I now have a balcony!! Ahhh!! I can drink coffee and sit and watch the beautiful gardens underneath!!) in a building complex that is friendly and had on-site management (makes me feel extra safe). We are close to my old neighbourhood, work is only 20 minutes away, and I feel very lucky and grateful for this.
And yet....emotionally.....I guess it would make sense that I am playing catch up. I have been working quite a lot over the past few weeks, and haven't had a lot of time to process everything else except the miscarriage. I've got quite a lot of intrusive thoughts and feelings and emotional flashbacks.
When I stop doing things and stop being busy, I feel....a bit lost. A bit empty. Sometimes angry. Lacking confidence. I've put on weight through comfort eating and I can't fit into my clothes. Old creeping inner critic thoughts have reignited. That I am ugly, unloveable, not normal, undeserving. Constant thoughts of comparisons taunt me. That I am not as accomplished in my career, that I don't earn enough money, that I am ugly, unfit, chubby. That I am undisciplined, that I had an abnormal childhood therefore who do I think I am to want to aspire more? 'Who are you kidding, get back in your place!' is a big one.
And the biggest thing of all that affects me - I feel often disconnected from my surroundings and my passions. It feels like a while since I've felt connected with myself. Those 6 months of daily noise from the renovation drove me to despair, then moving into the surburban house pushed me into a depressive hole. I didn't write, I didn't cook or bake, I didn't exercise, I just.....sat on the sofa all day and tried desperately to drown out my anxiety and depression by watching TV.
Now that I've come out of all of this, I feel a bit at a loss.
Maybe I should try taking baby steps. I went out for a walk today. It was frustrating cus I know this area well and I remember a time when a walk in this area would feel great. But I felt so disconnected. Like all I know how to do is distract myself with television. Like I've forgotten how to be in and with the outside world again.

I did cook yesterday though, for the first time in ages. Its funny isn't it, how even simple things like cooking can feel weird and foreign when you haven't wanted to do them for so long....again, I remembered a time when cooking would give me joy and happiness.
Maybe I'll get back there with that, too.

For now, I feel burnt out. Happy to have made it out of the last chapter, but still in a zone of...'what just happened?'. I've been sleeping...a LOT. Like my brain needs it desperately. Maybe the rest and recuperation will slowly bring me back. I hope.

[holidayay]

I started a new form of therapy last week. The therapist spoke of working with my 'different parts'. I finally was able to cry and feel emotions, I've been feeling numb and like an automaton recently.
She explained how previous therapy may not have touched the constant nightmares. That traditional therapy not be able to. That nightmares can be one of my 'parts' spilling over into my sleep.
I immediately felt resonance with what she was saying. I have a strong feeling this is the right modality of therapy for me.
It was interesting the next day..
I had brunch scheduled with some girls I met in the past few years. Instead of doing my usual 'put on a mask, give no real authentic insight into myself and just prioritize others comfort and listen to THEM, I had the urge to try remain loyal to my own authentic self, in that moment. I noticed space was given to the 2 more extroverted members of the group; they spoke of their troubles and their successes recently, and I tried my best to listen and be supportive and celebratory. Then I noticed...there were no questions in return. No inquiring or active open dialogue for ME. Instead of ignoring myself, I listened to what it felt like in my body. And it felt horrible. Like I was willingly participating in the narrative I grew up: passive relaying of a message that others are MUCH more important and 'valid' than me. I felt quite unhappy and upset, actually. I waited until I was one to one with one of them, who I know a bit better, and I 'unmasked' and said a little bit of my truth. That actually, I had been struggling and I wasn't sure how to also speak up and not just go along with the group chat to focus on others and not to take up space. i was hoping she would inquire more and show some maybe concern but she went quiet. The silence really felt like a horrific trigger and...i.dont know, it felt like a mortifying expression of 'downgrading me back into my place' when compared to just earlier, the time, space and effort put into supporting her and the other girl was quite substantive. My system immediately shut down and I have been alternating between dissociating and feeling like I am about to have a panic attack. Bad dreams woke me up, and the morning today was extremely distressing. I couldn't do anything for hours and finally dragged myself out for a walk with my partner which eventually helped shift a bit of the bad energy.
The experience yesterday has given me some valuable information, I think. Most importantly: how willingly and voluntarily I neglect myself and participate in dynamics whereby others also (inadvertently or not) do the same. And I don't want that anymore.
I am worth just as much as the other 2 girls who had space, kindness, acceptance, concern and freedom to be authentic and receive connection freely.
I will not trade in my authenticity for connection. What sort of connection is that? And I believe doing that makes you sick, over time. I will not disconnect from myself, for the comfort of others.
I am somewhat hurt and angry that concern wasn't given in return for me.
I'm not sure whether I should communicate it or not. I don't want to risk being gaslit or an argument.