Starting my journal

[Hope67]

Hi Holidayay,
I haven't read all of your Journal entry, as I'm not feeling able to process things this weekend so well, but I did read the bit where you mentioned you have an exam to study for, which takes place on Tuesday, so I'd like to wish you the best for that exam, and I hope that you are able to study for it.  Be kind to yourself, if that's helpful, and sending you a hug, if that's helpful 
Hope 

[holidayay]

Hi Holidayay,
I haven't read all of your Journal entry, as I'm not feeling able to process things this weekend so well, but I did read the bit where you mentioned you have an exam to study for, which takes place on Tuesday, so I'd like to wish you the best for that exam, and I hope that you are able to study for it.  Be kind to yourself, if that's helpful, and sending you a hug, if that's helpful 
Hope 

Thank you, Hope. Your kindness and encouraging is very helpful  Its just these little things that actually do really help 

[holidayay]

I am so exhausted from the past today. From feeling.

I feel like I am missing out everyday that I feel like this. I see friends on social media (yes yes i know social media can be fake) going on holidays, spending time with their friends/loved ones, and I feel too triggered most days to even want to go out. Everything seems to trigger me.
Nature.
Shops.
Business.
Being out in town on my own.
Sitting in on my own.

I can't help but think about just how much I have missed out on. And I no longer ever want to hear anyone say to me 'forget the past' - I'm not ready to just bypass a huge chunk of my life that caused me immense suffering.

People saying that to me annoys me. If they were so carefree and not anxious, why would it bother them to know I was digging into the past? So many people getting uncomfortable with difficult details and the unfathomable idea that family can be horrible annoys me so much and their reactions make me squirm like its MY fault those things just happened. Actually, I dared to bring their attention to it - that's the bit they don't like. They don't want to hear uncomfortable truths. It doesn't sit well with them.

This thought makes me both sad and angry. Turning a blind eye to the horrible things that children have to go through only serves to perpetuate the whole cycle.
These people who want to minimise and deny it are unwitting accomplices and enablers to the abusers. They pave the way for them to get away with it and continue doing it. Its their lack of affirmative reactions, their unwillingness to even acknowledge it, that aids in gaslighting and enabling and ensuring no boundaries are ever truly well maintained.
Maybe they are ignorant, we could argue, but 'ignorance is no excuse to the law' - a phrase something to that effect which I was taught in law school. Why should ignorance be an excuse now? And when they're shutting down conversations about abuse, its not longer ignorance but a willing decision to reject awareness. It 'makes them uncomfortable' - oh, I'm so sorry you feel uncomfortable hearing these truths. Imagine having to live it whether you like it or not.

They have the luxury of ignoring it all and not dealing with the darkness. How I wish we - the victims - could have been given that choice.

I don't know, I'm so upset at people at large and so untrusting these days. I'm so sad today.

[holidayay]

I reached out for help yesterday after the crushing weight of it all made me snap. I couldn't handle it anymore. And I'm so glad I did reach out, because the response was amazing. There's a plan put in place already.
I feel far more clear headed and safe today.

I had a more relaxed, productive day.
I came home and instead of feeling panicked about the most recent things that have happened regarding family members, I could feel safe to sit with my feelings and just let them be there, safe in the knowledge that its ok to feel sad, hurt, upset and I have every right to have feelings, to allow them to be processed, and to not have to feel ashamed into rushing through them/minimising them/downplaying them/pretending they don't exist/rejecting their relevance and validity and no I am not 'too sensitive' when I have them, I am a human being who experiences feelings...when I feel them. Simple really.

It got me thinking to the shock and outrage I felt after my sister tried to 'hoover' me through a friend of hers, who messaged me from an unknown number.

After I cut my sister out because she sent me the most manipulative, vile text, in which she informed me she 'only likes the carefree version of me' (when i used to pretend I wasn't a human being with my own needs and devoid of feelings and instead focus on her) and she is not into 'deep things' (like when I tell her I am hurt because of her rages and talking about her apologising is 'deep') and if I did not like her, I could stay away and then trying to convince me my mother who failed in protecting me from being abused as a child is 'the best mother ever' and for all the talk on empathy i 'bang on about', I have very little of it as my mother is now old, partially blind and having had a heart attack last year (minutes after saying she isn't into talking about my needs and feelings because that's 'deep' and she only likes to be around 'carefree people'.....so if she and my mother are talking about THEIR needs, that doesn't count as 'deep and not care-free' but when I do it, it does and she's 'not into that'...riiiight). She told me I was the abusive manipulator for 'pretending to be carefree' back when i used to focus on everybody else's needs if 'that's not the real me' since I was pretending....she thinks she is being so smart in trying to manipulate when she twists things like this. She loves the thought of getting into other people's heads and getting them to question themselves.

But no. Ignoring my negative feelings because I knew from experience that telling someone I was upset only made it worse after they'd react badly does not make me abusive or manipulative. It makes me someone who has been conditioned into ignoring themselves for fear of chaos and violence ensuing as a result of speaking up.

After I blocked her after that very last message, when she got in touch via a friend much later on, only recently, it still shocks me the level of audacity.

For one thing she was pleading with me to 'put our differences aside' as she 'has to talk to me urgently' as our sister with bipolar disorder is now pregnant and needs to discuss something with me urgently regarding a family member.
IS THIS NOT DEEP STUFF? IT BOGGLES MY MIND just how audacious she can be!

She informs me on her last text to me months ago that she is not interested in being in my life anymore now i am open and vocal about my needs and emotions because she equates that with 'deep things' which 'she is not into', and only wants 'carefree people' and then gets in touch with THAT?

I am so tempted to unblock her right now and point out the hypocrisy and utter ridiculousness and shameless attitude she exhibits. Such a haughty, arrogant approach.

Doesn't even start off with 'hi, I know the last time we spoke, it ended on a bad note, and I wanted to talk about it....'

Nothing to acknowledge any of that besides a 'let's put our differences aside' which isn't even acknowledging what really happened because it isn't a simple matter of 'a different opinion on things' - its that SHE wants me to accept total and utter responsibility for all her problems and issues and go back to being 'carefree' (i.e. care-FREE of MY problems, and care-FULL of HER problems! That's not even being a 'carefree' person - that's being her emotional slave! how dare she!).

She drops it all on me without even an introductory 'can we please talk' or 'we need to talk' - no its straight into: 'we need to talk because x is pregnant and wants to discuss a family member with you urgently, please can we put our differences aside for an hour'.

The audacity. It really baffles and angers me so much that she can have such nerve, such blase attitude towards reaching out to me, how she treats me, how she feel she can get what she wants from me, like her good old days when I can see now, i used to give unlimited help and support and blame-taking all the time. It's been 2 years since I initiated strict boundaries and she can't seem to get it out of her head that the old dynamics are Over.

Any chance she gets, she tries to get me back into the old 'role'. Anytime I stand up for myself she reacts with venom and rage and digs in to every sore spot.

I still, 2 years later, find myself feeling shocked and betrayed, utterly betrayed, at the truth about our dynamics. I still can't believe it. I find myself thinking of more and more examples of where she had acted in ways that are proof of the truth which I am shocked to believe, and i feel dismayed and despair at the irrefutable evidence.

The way she used to react with no empathy towards me. I remember once in school, a very brute-ish, thug-type character targeted me and threw soup all over me. She simply looked in my direction nonchalant and continued walking with her friends.

The same friends she used to come home raging about because so-and-so is 'more best friends with her than me' and they do this and they do that together and 'these posh rich girls at school have such good lives and boyfriends and i don't' and i used to spend HOURS listening to her, I remember walking past my old primary school, feeling so tired and drained, but desperately trying to prop her self esteem up and listened to her cry and rage about all these things and I'd try to tell her how great she was and that those girls had no bearing on her, it used to make my heart ache so much that she'd get so upset by other people having their own happiness...essentially. It made her incredibly insecure. I really wanted her to have her own self-esteem, confidence and happiness.

But when I looked over, with soup dripping down from my hair and face, and saw her glancing at me, (at this point I was hysterical with tears), and she simply carried on walking, I'll never forget how....shocked that made me feel. We were about 16 and 15 respectively. Even if she felt scared, or some teenage insecurity or another...did she not want to take me to the toilet and hug me and help clean the soup off my hair? I spent hours and hours listening to her...I had even challenged people who had upset her and sought to get revenge on bullies so they would know not to come near her again....wasn't she even going to COME to me and look after me, now I was so upset? I was in the middle of the whole school canteen, with huge swathes of groups and the boy's cronies yelling, jeering, laughing at me. It hurt so much to see her simply walk away. She didn't even look upset or scared or anything that could justify a 'wanting to get away' attitude. It was such a passive look, like how she'd look if she looked at a bus pass by or something.

[Snowdrop]

I came home and instead of feeling panicked about the most recent things that have happened regarding family members, I could feel safe to sit with my feelings and just let them be there, safe in the knowledge that its ok to feel sad, hurt, upset and I have every right to have feelings, to allow them to be processed, and to not have to feel ashamed into rushing through them/minimising them/downplaying them/pretending they don't exist/rejecting their relevance and validity and no I am not 'too sensitive' when I have them, I am a human being who experiences feelings...when I feel them.

I'm glad things went better for you yesterday. Having a plan in place already is great news.

[Hope67]

Sorry to hear you've had a tough time Holidayay, but glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better today.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok.   
Hope 

[holidayay]

Hi everybody 

I had my occupational health appointment today. I was a bit skeptical and worried I'd have to spend ages explaining and justifying myself but, as it turns out, the doctor who saw me has a background of treating PTSD! It was unbelievable, I barely needed to say anything to get the understanding I've been craving for so badly.

He has written recommendations and a letter to my supervisor, advising the different treatment options and that I will need to take time off after EMDR sessions as apparently they can be very draining, especially the first few sessions. He said when I have my appointment with a psychiatrist on Thursday, they'll be able to formally diagnose and initiate treatment which my workplace will have to accommodate.

So...for the first time in a long time, I have some slithers of self-esteem and self-worth crawling back in, as a result of being seen, heard and completely validated. Things that made me want to bow my head in shame and guilt feel differently today. It is so refreshing. I am feeling optimistic about the long road ahead now.

Wishing everyone reading a nice day 

[Three Roses]

So...for the first time in a long time, I have some slithers of self-esteem and self-worth crawling back in, as a result of being seen, heard and completely validated.

[Snowdrop]

Oh that's brilliant news! I'm utterly delighted. 

[Blueberry]

 

[sanmagic7]

so very happy for you, holidayay.  what a difference it makes to be acknowledged for who we are, accepted, heard, and listened to.   

nice to see you in better spirits - so glad for that, too.  sending love and a hug full of light.   

[Snowdrop]

I hope it went OK yesterday, holidayay.

[holidayay]

I'm sorry to say I feel deflated again.
I went for the appointment with the mental health team - got seen by a mental health nurse.
It became obvious very quickly that this was just about assessing whether or not I was a suicide risk. It was nothing at all like what I wanted or expected.

I thought I'd be given a chance to speak and then treatment options laid out and yeah yeah, there might be a wait list.
But it came back to me so quickly why I stopped reaching out to the mental health services here in the UK - they only care if you're 'in crisis'.
She said there is a year-long wait for some of the treatment options like EMDR.
I told her I would be willing to go private if somebody could just help me and she said the other issue is getting the right person who is trained and that it is very expensive.

So, what's the point?
I hate the mental health services here so much, I already experienced all this years back but somehow gave in to hope again that there might be something different.
I'm depressed and wished I didn't bother. And now I have a throat/chest infection and had to take the day off work which meant a full day of C-PTSD misery.

Why bother?

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi holidayay, I want to say I'm sorry about how you feel. I came to say I hope it went well, then I read your latest post.

So, to relate to you... I am also in the UK. I have finally been accepted by a psychologist for 12 sessions.

Sorry to say that, this took me 3 years to accomplish.

Like you, I have met with the nurses, gps, psychiatrists and even different psychologist who left the service after my assessment and couldn't see me any more. The new psychologist was not aware that had happened! I went through one course of Cbt in that time, which while sound advice was not addressing the issues I have.

I had to learn to advocate for myself and in the end I felt that I had to really push how bad I was feeling and how depressed I was. I eventually admitted to having suicidal ideas. I also agreed to take SSRIs (Sertraline) which have helped in some ways but also I have big reservations about.

Re going private. I said the same thing on more than one occasion and was advised against it, just like you. I was told it is not easy to find someone suitable and indeed might make things worse. I allowed myself to be swayed by those arguments but I might think about going private if after 12 sessions I am discharged without further help and I feel that I need it at that time.

I found someone who was charging £60/hour.Iwould have to travel too. Now they were recommending once week. I can't really afford £240 / month. But, if it comes to it I will find it somehow.

I wanted to tell you you are not alone in this. My psychiatrist told me it is not good to try and be your own therapist and indeed it is impossible, but, 3 years without help (and my problems much longer in gestation) meant what other option do I have??

I have been desperate and sad and angry and scared and anxious so I just want to send you a big gentle  to say I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the same cr*p I've had to. I don't blame any individual. I think that the system is overstretched and underfunded, and has been for years. My American friend finds it hard to believe how hard it is to access therapy here.

I really wish you lots of luck. I'm happy to discuss my experience with the NHS in detail, if you think that might be helpful.

Big  to you today. Try to find something nice to self care with. I'm going to try to find something nice on TV to watch and have a hot chocolate later. Take care. Sab.

[Snowdrop]

I hear you. I was told that I wasn't eligible for NHS help as I would need longer-term support. It's shocking.

It could be worth speaking to Mind. Some charitable/voluntary organisations offer therapies for free or at a reduced cost, and Mind may be able to suggest who to contact. A lot depends on where you live though.

I hope you feel better soon. Here's a virtual cup of hot lemon and honey ☕.