Starting my journal

[Kizzie]

Lots of members talk about this, myself included, and its important because we have to see it's not true, it's just the way we've been taught to feel - that we're not worthy, we don't count. 

We need to tell that voice it's wrong in order to recover IMO. We all share here and that's the point of recovery I believe, to bring the darkest parts of our life into the sunshine and to begin to feel we deserve to be heard, and moreover that we need to be heard not just for our own validation, but because others need to know the long term, debilitating impact of trauma brings to people.  It doesn't cost just us, it costs everyone - communities, families, employers ....

[Three Roses]

I agree completely with Kizzie! Your story is not boring, not annoying, and you are as worthy as anyone to have your story told, really listened to, and having your feelings validated!

Please feel free to not respond individually to each person who has replied to your posts. That can be exhausting, imo!

Our abusers had to indoctrinate us into silence so they could further victimize us and remain in secrecy - but the old saying "secrets make us sick" is so very true. Maya Angelou said, "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." Sending you all the virtual support I'm able to, to help you throw off that mantle of silence. 

[Not Alone]

Lots of members talk about this, myself included, and its important because we have to see it's not true, it's just the way we've been taught to feel - that we're not worthy, we don't count. 

We need to tell that voice it's wrong in order to recover IMO.

   On more then one occasion, I have stated that I felt unworthy to post. A way of fighting that voice is to post.

Regarding your ex; Continue to listen to your gut. Have good, healthy boundaries.

[holidayay]

I can't take the nightmares....I think I'm gonna ask for some time off work and then run away from this new city back to my old city where this is some familiarity......

[SharpAndBlunt]

Holidayay, sometimes a break can be very restorative, especially if you feel that familiarity for a while. Take care please especially when you feel like you do. I hope the nightmares ease up for you.

[Three Roses]

Sending you all the virtual support that's possible! 

[holidayay]

Thank you all for being lovely.

I managed to get through today. Now I have a few days off. And I might take the weekend off. I'm mindful not to continue my 'running away' mentality which is what I've always done but like someone has said, a break can be restorative. Gosh, its hard to differentiate things like this when I feel the way I do. When does a 'break' translate into 'running away from my feelings' and when should I not do it and instead sit with my feelings and work through them versus having a little break to rejuvenate?

What a journey healing is. Trulyyy!

[holidayay]

I'm having sleepless nights again. The flashbacks are incessant. Distraction isn't working, my system feels full and wanting to release.

My memories of feeling helpless seem to have a running theme to them: feeling empathy for victims around personality disordered family members and there was nothing I could do to help because the disordered abuser always comes out on top through using aggression, violence and threats.

** TW ** Physical and emotional abuse




Tonight, I'm remembering my sister's kids, particularly her eldest. When they were both babies and crying in the car, she would yell and scream and hit them and threaten them. I would feel my blood boil with anger and feel sick with sadness at the poor children who wanted to be comforted. It was terrifying. If they cried too long, inevitably she would erupt and start abusing them with vile words and smack them. Before blasting out loud music to drown out their cries. Or their protests. The music was so loud, and stimulatory and seemed to fry my nerves further. When I asked her to PLEASE turn it down, she would get even angrier and an argument would erupt. All I can think of is how those poor kids must have felt: in distress, ignored and being bombarded with loud music. What message must their fragile distressed little brains have received? That their needs are SO aggravating and unimportant and unnecessary, that they deserved to be completely drowned out by crap music? My nephew turned towards playing on his ipad in the car to distract himself. Not even bother to get his needs met anymore. My heart sinks of how this message related to his needs is going to affect him in his future. How DARE people like my sister be SO selfish? They are contributing to ruining someone's emotional health and giving them mental problems which they will have to contend with for the rest of their lives. Its sickening. How anyone can have kids and its seen as a free choice, never mind what the kid will have to endure. Often my sister used to say: 'they're MY kids, I can do what I want' like they are objects.
No, they are not YOURS. They do not 'belong' to anybody to do what they like with them. They are their own people and they belong to themselves. You are responsible for nurturing this, nurturing their autonomy, not treating them like objects. Typical narcissist.


People tell me to focus on myself and that doesn't help here. Not yet. I saw too much of those kids suffering and I feel like the painful feelings associated with witnessing this needs to be part of my healing.

Many times I intervened and told her to have more patience or to stop and change her approach and that would aggravate her further and she would retaliate further: when she realised taking out her aggression didn't work on me now I was an adult and I could simply leave, she would re-direct it at her children, so either way, I knew intervening didn't work.

** End TW **

Getting social services involved didn't do anything to help either.

Its like these aggressors always win. The world doesn't seem safe when I think of this.

And there was one particular horrible time when I was picked up by her in her car with my mum and the kids. My mum and my sister both started on their infuriating narcissistic taunting. I felt myself raging inside as I stayed silent for the sake of the children. I was so angry and mad, and my little niece wanted to play and for me to pay her attention but I was too riled up to be able to pay her attention, I could barely focus. She then tapped me and said: 'look' pointing to my suitcase, the handle of which I had assumed had broken, as it would no longer slot back down into place. She had somehow fixed it and was looking at me both cheekily and hopefully, I was so surprised, my anger melted away and I felt terrible for being angry enough that I wasn't paying her attention; a situation she was often in with her own mother. I felt so terribly guilty, I hugged her and made sure to try not to let my distress get in the way of being an aunty to her again. Its so hard though, when her mother was somehow who had abused me as a child, and she remains the same to this day. I no longer have contact with any of them.

[holidayay]

Trigger warning - SA

I am so angry. therapy has unlocked memories and started giving me more disturbing dreams.

I was 5 when my eldest sister (then 13) started inappropriately doing things to me. I felt like I was confused and in a frozen state mostly. I didn't like it and felt it was uncomfortably close. I had already been conditioned into not bothering my mum with ANY problems by that point and dad was an angry man with leakemia, who often made a big fuss and angry rants about things on tv that showed similar things to what my sister was doing to me so i definitely couldn't talk to him about that.

When I was older, my other sister told my eldest sister to apologise to me. I was 13, and my eldest sister thought an apology consisted of laughing about the incidents and to manipulate me by normalasing her disgusting actions by telling me that 'all sisters do it'. I, again, felt confused and frozen. I imagined her friends and their younger sisters. None of it made sense.

I'm remembering all this stuff and more. I am so angry and upset and like she considered me some foolish little girl whose naiivety is there solely for exploitation. And laughing about it. As if I am some kind of joke and what happens to me is nothing to be taken seriously at all.

I have a mad urge to scream at her, to break no contact and message her on facebook, detailing everything i remember and that she is just a nasty monster and none of what she said is TRUE, and that she preyed on my innocence and acted like a sociopath by normalising it. I was to call her out on EVERYTHING. I want to see her in a court of law, and for me to go up and tell her to her face and a judge and any other bystanders what happened and how she ruined my childhood and still to this day, is affecting me.
She ruined my sexual development.
She ruined my innocence.
She ruined my self-perfecption and made me feel sorry for her. Made me feel sorry for anyone who had abusive tendencies by conditioning my mind into thinking SHE is the eternal victim and I'm evil and nasty if i WAS TO EVER call her out on it.

This anger is persisting the whole day. I'm exhausted yet i can't sleep. I want to hurt her for hurting me.

[Snowdrop]

I'm sorry you went through that. I completely understand your anger about it. Sending you support .

[Three Roses]

So sorry to hear all you've been through, and continue to go through in regards to your sibling. I often quote Maya Angelou, "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." Just being heard can be healing, and court cases can certainly be one venue where a survivor can feel heard. Wishing you all the best as you go through this. 

[holidayay]

I travelled to my previous city to tell my story. There is a project being done nationwide about childhood abuse and after seeing an ad for it earlier in the year, I sent off a form. After many months, I did it!
And it felt GREAT.
I told them EVERYTHING. They were amazing. I cannot recommend it enough as a helpful tool for healing, for anyone who is ready to tell their story.
i told them the names, and locations of the family members. I agreed they could inform the police.

I also rang the hospital where a sibling is staying in a mental health unit, pregnant, where one of the perpetrators visits her and has her brainwashed. I spoke to the safeguarding team and told them everything too. She is in the late stages of pregnancy and the thought of her baby ever being at risk is NOT okay at all. The buck stops with me, no child under my watch will be at risk again. Not when I can do something, which no-one ever bothered to do for me.

Yeah, just needed to declare this.
Hope everyone's had a lovely week.

Long gone are the days where I am ruled by fear and emotional manipulation, guilting and shaming.

[Three Roses]

Wow!  There are not enough cheer leaders to show you how much I love this!! Well done, you! 

[Snowdrop]

A huge huge huge well done to you! You've done brilliantly. I'm so impressed. Wow!

[holidayay]

Thanks for the support guys.

I submitted the form today to the relevant body to discuss the more recent child abuse I'd witnessed which I'd always been threatened, guilted and manipulated into keeping quiet every time i tried to speak up. Well, no more.
You don't get to do whatever you like just because you don't want accountability and then lie and deceit and threaten others into submission.

I'm very happy I did this.