Remembering more and more....this is so distressing.
Distraction isn't working.
The memories are so strong and come with associated horrible feelings of despair, guilt, helplessness and terror.
***SA - Trigger warning***
I fell into a deep depression when I first left home, aged 18. I moved into student halls of accommodation, where a student in my flat decided she did not like me. She criticised my clothes, my lack of money, my hair, my boyfriend...everything. She showed the obvious disgust she felt around me clearly and wanted me out the group of friends that was quickly forming. I left the flat and moved into a cosy flatshare, not wanting to be around her anymore after she made threats to hit me. In the new flatshare, I fell into a deep depression, and isolated myself completely. Stopped attending university. I couldn't concentrate on the smallest of things, never mind my school work. I started having flashbacks of the sexual abuse I encountered from my older sister. I had never told anyone at that point.
I couldn't imagine what my mum would say. I was scared to make her sad, she had talked of all her problems for as long as i could remember and was quick to anger. I didn't trust her at all. I didn't want to burden my other siblings; our whole family had lives that just seemed to continuously go wrong; everyone seemed chaotic, miserable, stressed. Our eldest brother had commited suicide a few years ago. Nothing made sense.
My sister who abused me decided one day to visit the city I was in. I despised her, but loved her kid. She was so harsh on him, I cherished moments where I could show him some nurturing.
I see now she has anti-social traits.
I felt uncomfortable and unsettled with her excitement at coming to visit. I knew intuitively she only got this excited when she had a plan hatched up her sleeve to take advantage of someone/steal/cheat/lie to further her own needs/wants. She has a mindset where she forms an idea in her head of how exactly people will serve her, and she doesn't need to tell them or run it by them - simply plough on ahead with her agenda and if anyone resists - she will turn to anger/threats or fake crocodile details to guilt them.
It wasn't long before I found out her agenda on this occasion. A relative of her husband lived in my city, and had decided to divorce her husband. Her family lived in another country and she was alone. Divorce was frowned upon. My sister, sensing the vulnerability, decided she would 'save' this girl to be her 'maid'. To offer for her to live with her, in order that the girl could look after her children, and serve her needs. She didn't run the second part of this deal by this woman. The woman was just supposed to do it, didn't we know?
I felt sick and creeped out and thought she was absolutely deluded to believe this would happen. My mum just laughs at her ideas and encourages them, in the hope they may work out. They're equally deranged. Her son, an infant, was being driven down for the ride. Absolutely zero thought was given to his wellbeing in this. I told her I would be around for her son, and that was it. She had this arrogant tendency to agree, not really listening to what people say, thinking she will just turn up and do things however it pleases her, and people will just do it. They turn up and she ushers me in the car. I reminded her I was here only to spend time with the child. She starts to get angry and i'm torn between holding my own, and the poor child witnessing her ferocious anger. So i get in the car and soothe him. She then gets very excited at the prospect of her new 'maid'.
The girl turns up and is ....not at all subservient, as my sister arrogantly assumed she would be. My sister first attempts to charm her and tell her how much she has done for her, by renting out a car and driving all this way. The girl thanks her but doesn't see this as proof she now owes a debt, as I guess is my sister's intention by repeating to her what she's done for her.
The child starts crying and gets agitated. Its late and dark and he should be having his bottle and asleep. My sister has absolutely no interest in any of this. Her mask falls off and she starts screaming and swearing at him. I don't hold back at this point and tell her firmly to back off and leave him be, and if she can't be a nurturing mother, to stay quiet and let me handle his distress. She then starts swearing at me and the girl looks at her like she is a maniac. My sister then starts smearing me to this poor girl - telling her made-up stories of how I have always victimised her and treated her badly.
As the night goes on, it becomes obvious her psychopathic plan is not going well for her. She has more screaming fits. The girl eventually comes to me and says 'sorry to say but your sister has serious problems, i feel sorry for you...' and leaves.
My sister starts crying when the girl leaves and berating herself, calling herself stupid and dumb and lashing out at herself wildly. The whole time, I'm thinking of how to best shield my nephew from all of this. She shows zero concern for him. I decide it is pointless to engage with her in any authentic way, even though i want her out as soon as possible, i decide it best to placate her and soothe her so she is in a calmer mood around her child. I tell her she is not stupid, and that the girl just doesn't understand her. I ask her if she has any passions or things she wants to get involved in, to maybe create a little career/hobby of her own. I suggest we walk to the park nearby so the child can play and have fun, as we talk. This calms her down and she agrees.
She talks about how she loves make-up and applying it. I encourage her to apply for health and beauty training opportunities. In the park, she is calmer than I've ever seen her. She is relaxed and in the moment. Its like she had been yearning to be listened to.
It breaks my heart that this will be over as soon as they drive back home. I feel absolutely powerless to stop this and to make their lives better.
Never mind the traumatic memories of how she hurt me.
Never mind the deep depression and terror i had been living in and which had no room at all during the visit. On the balance of things, it was my decision to put that aside for the sake of a vulnerable child.
But it dawned on me with despair that my empathy in this situation will always be used against me, will always be used to serve her. There is no room for boundaries or anyone else's needs.
When she was without child, it was far easier to not interact with her. Now she has a baby, its like she understands that normal people will care and this will be her vantage point.
That day left me like a zombie. I felt paralysed with terror and fear.
I didn't know what to do....how could i casually say to my best friend the next day: 'by the way, my psychopathic sister visited and this happened...?'
So i locked it up in a box, as with all the other things i couldn't deal with, and lived with terrifying nightmares and c-ptsd symptoms, not knowing what they were or why they happened to me.
No-one else in my family was anywhere near normal. When I told my other sister, she merely went quiet. These silent responses often cemented the trauma...the silence seemed to confirm the helplessness and deep fear that the world was unsafe and I should just accept that I didn't deserve it to be any different.
(Since those traumatic days, i have reported her to social services and told them as much as I could. I only wish I'd known to do it sooner, much sooner).
