Starting my journal

[sanmagic7]

hey, holidayay,

i have used stories that i made up in my mind with relationships so that they could 'be' what i wanted them to be.  honestly, i think that at the time it was a survival technique i used to get thru other horrible situations.  i believe it started when i was very young, maybe 3 or 4, when i had a doll i loved, and holding her would help me go to sleep.

one night, she wasn't there on my bed, and i didn't know what happened to her.  being taught not to ask questions, i never said anything, but i remember quite clearly making up a story that a fairy king needed her and took her away.  much later in life, i finally asked my mom about it, she said the doll was old and dirty and she threw her away.  so, yeah, i've used fantasy to help get me thru things.  i also was very interested in fantasy books, like 'alice in wonderland' where i would lose myself to the rest of the world, so immersed that i wouldn't hear people calling my name till they were nearly in my face, yelling.

so, yeah, i've been using fantasy for a very long time in my life, making relationships seem to be something they're not.  i don't think there's shame in admitting this stuff - i think there's courage, tho.  we do what works for us to get thru whatever situation we're in.  i've been in plenty of bad relationships where i keep thinking this or that will work, but you're right - it never did.  love and a hug filled with care and understanding

[Snowdrop]

I've used fantasy as a way of coping as well. Like San, I see it as a survival mechanism.

I know it's hard, but I also know that you're a fierce survivor. My suggestion is to be gentle with yourself, and give yourself as much self-care as you possibly can.

Sending you lots of love and big hugs.

[Snowdrop]

Thinking of you. Hope you're bearing up ok.

[sanmagic7]

 

love and hugs, my dear.

[Hope67]

Hi Holidayay,
I relate to what you said about fantasy, although I think that for me, it's that parts of myself somehow take a situation and then paint/change it to a more acceptable thing - to protect other parts, and therefore I can't view things in a necessarily balanced or clear way - and I've been re-appraising some of my past relationships and realise that certain things were repressed and certain things were changed by my memory and perception to be more acceptable and to allow me to cope.  (I am feeling tied up with my words) but I wanted to say that I do relate to what you said.

Sending you a safe hug, if you would like one 
Hope 

[holidayay]

Hi everyone! Thank you all for your comforting words, I really cherish the validation and care I feel when I read them

Trigger warning - anger

I've been overwhelmed with the speech at which unresolved things seem to be demanding for my attention, after I opened pandora's box. Its making me feel overwhelmed and I cannot think clearly. I've had the maximum 12 session of EMDR my work paid for, neither myself not the therapist felt it was enough but that's their limit. That in itself is angering. It makes me want to sarcastically say to them Oh, I'm very sorry the pervasive, daily crap inflicted on me by a narcissistic mother and her minion children didn't fit neatly into a randomly allocated number of sessions that YOU decide is enough. Well, it is not! And its shameful to even think its ok to open up pandora's box enough to heal some things, then leave out the rest, raw and festering.
THANKS A LOT.

I have my private therapist but she charges so much!! Its £110 an HOUR. I just can't see her that regularly at those prices. And on top of it, now COVID is underway, her office is shut and she is still working out how to have sessions and i don't want them done virtually because a/impersonal and b/my house isn't that soundproof and i don't want my nosy housemate hearing my private things. I just want the safety of her office which is nestled in between forests.

So many things are making me feel angry and resentful. I'm tapped into the mourning and grieving stage for all the things i didn't get and will never have. I saw an instagram post of my friend's mum dressing up as a shark to wave her off to work, joking and laughing and telling her how much she loved her, whilst my friend was about to drive off.
I never had that. Whenever I left home, my mum loved to put on a sad face and leave me with a tragic story of her victimhood and she would look abandoned and sad and insist on making me food after purposely making my life miserable the last few days before leaving and i would leave confused and feeling guilty at not wanting to spend time with her, but sad that she looked abandoned and that i hadn't said some kinder things, which i never wanted to, it didn't feel authentic because she would have gone out of her way to ruin everything!
Her favourite lines to ruin happiness were 'talking and laughing are bad for your health..' she drilled that into me from a young age. She hated birthdays, xmases, religious holidays, anyone else celebrating anything.....when we were younger, she would lock the doors and pretend to be asleep when those special occasions happened and give us silent treatment so i felt too much fear to raise it up with her that I was wanting to go celebrate with my friends or to go to whatever event the local community had organised. I felt terrified, torn between wanting desperately to go, but fearful of making her unhappy and incurring her wrath. Her rages were explosive and nothing was off-limits. I was cursed at and labelled all kinds of horrific things from as early as i can remember.

Now thinking of this...it makes me FURIOUS. How DARE SHE. Does she really think she is displaying her mighty and powerful ways by dominating over and ruining helpless' children's lives? Wow, well done, she must feel so big and clever knowing that's her tiny bit of control in life. Pathetic. And lauding over us at the same time how amazing a mother she is, how everyone commends her, how we will 'understand when we are older and thank her for it' (i grew older, never understood, never thanked her for it, grew older some more, and still no understanding/thanking, but more the opposite).

I have it memorised off by heart her views on birthdays and xmases. It was the same old fight every year. I want to just go find her now and say: 'look, you've been fighting this depressing, miserable battle for nearly 40 years now starting with my oldest sibling. I've heard this depressing, miserable, pathetic, vile, virtiolic speech and your tantrums and refusals to acknowledge or attend the celebrations but hellbent stubbornness on ruining them over and over and over again and guess what, none of us STILL agree, none of us WANT to join you with your misery and agree to your ethos which is all lies - you base it on religious warped justifications that celebrating is for heathens and whores - weird obsession you've always harboured btw, female sexuality - when in reality, you are miserable and only enjoy life when you get your narcissistic supply, other people's attention and you can go on and on about yourself and those days of celebrations, you don't get to do that and it makes you visibly seethe with anger to see anyone having fun, its disturbing...that you do pathetic things like insult somebody or confuse them with word salad and sit back and smirk as you watch their face fall or they get worked up.......THE WHOLE CHIRADE IS QUITE FRANKLY BORING, depressing and very transparent now...get a grip and move on from this depressing repetitive cycle. OH AND BY THE WAY, you're a complete hypocrite, how come 'talking and laughing too much isn't bad for your health' when YOU DO IT, when YOU SPEND HOURS ON THE PHONE cackling or when you bump into one of your warped religious like-minded friends and go running to their house for dinner and spend hours there and only think I'm worthy to include to show off about my education but other than that, I'm just barely even human to you. I'm just an attention-giver/listener/company for your misery/emotional punchbag in your eyes.

How dare you.

Even in my last conversation with you, confronting you about the serious abuse YOUR elder children did to ME, you treated it with such trivialty and started laughing at one point. Like its a joke. And then proceeded to want to rant to ME about how you hate those elder children, using MY abuse as an opportunity to vent your anger towards them because...'they're off doing their heathen celebrations', back to your usual, pathetic spiel. Once again, dismissing my distress and pain and using it as a stepping stone to get back to you. You and your misery. I remember once I got fed up of you and told you bluntly that you were constantly negative and depressing and not helpful to solving any problems and make life unnecessarily difficult. You acted shocked and angry that anyone could see you as negative and not only the positive things you wanted the world to see you as, despite never behaving in a way that is in any way indicative of that! I wish someone had sectioned you up long ago. I wish the psychiatric community has advanced far more than where it is and recognised the real and severely damaging consquences of people like you. But its hard to even see you as a victim of a mental disorder because you hide it around others, which shows a degree of self-awareness and that you know those behaviours are unacceptable. You know those behaviours are inhumane, on some level, you DEFINITELY KNOW.
I'm so angry at all the beautiful and happy days that were cut short once dad died bcause you took over the reigns with such abusive gusto and coercive control. I'm so angry I missed out on a happy childhood and the self-esteem, confidence and long-term friendships that come as by-products of a stable childhood. I'm furious that even now, and forever more, I will never experience a happy home of my blood family to go home to. I'm angry I have a mother, but I am denied the mothering experience. I'm angry I've had to teach myself everything and against the slow gradient of YOU, forever pushing me back everytime i made any steps forward with your insistence on maintaining the toxic status quo. I'm angry you chose a warped version of religion over me, your own child. I'm angry you don't even follow the nicer tenets of religion yet claim religious back for your warped ways, yet overlook the parts of religion that would hold you culpable and endeavours to make life more beautiful, more fair. You don't really want religion. You just want sanctioning for your miserable, depraved ways. THAT'S the god you want. You don't fool me, though your smug smirk often makes me feel like you are convinced that you do.

I'm tired now. But I'm not even done. I need a break from all this.

[sanmagic7]

i wish i could have read all you wrote, but right now that's not possible.  however, i do want to tell you that i, too, grieve for what i didn't get, and it's ongoing, neverending, it seems. 

sorry that you can't have more emdr sessions - that sucks.  i'm on phone time with my t, too, and i understand the frustration of not being able to see her face to face to resolve my issues.  hang tough, ok?  we'll get thru this together.  love and hugs

[holidayay]

Thank you  It sure doing feel ongoing and neverending at times. The most frustrating thing is having breakthroughs, feeling 'normality' so much to the point where I almost can't remember what it felt like to be dysregulated and getting used to it...then bham! It hits again and I feel like I'm starting from scratch again.

Its so exhausting, i slept for a long time after my ranting post. Every muscle fibre felt exhausted. I kicked the dirt on my walk home trying to physically get the frustration and blockages OUT.

Sending you love and strength, I'm with you on your journey 

i wish i could have read all you wrote, but right now that's not possible.  however, i do want to tell you that i, too, grieve for what i didn't get, and it's ongoing, neverending, it seems. 

sorry that you can't have more emdr sessions - that sucks.  i'm on phone time with my t, too, and i understand the frustration of not being able to see her face to face to resolve my issues.  hang tough, ok?  we'll get thru this together.  love and hugs

[holidayay]

Inner child poem - 'Why didn't I get that?'

When the girls from across the road would go camping with their parents, excitedly piling into their car, with their toys and sweets for the long journey - why didn't I get that?
When I could feel the excitement of adventure hanging in the air, awaiting them, as they waved goodbye, why didn't I get that?
When the other girls were asked to be bridesmaids and were excited about their pretty dresses, why didn't I get that?
When other kids were allowed to play out and enjoy normal activities like shopping and swimming, why didn't I get that?
Why did I always feel like I have to make myself as invisible as possible? As less burdensome as possible? As less: giving-anyone-an-extra-job-by-having-wants as possible?
I wanted to go to that birthday party...mum didn't bother to ask and left me there, and the birthday girl's parent reprimanded me, scolded me as she had 'only paid for 10 children'. I had to reassure her I could leave, there was a family friend in McDonald's I'd recognised who might agree to take me home. She told me to do that. Why as an 8 year old, did I have to do that?
Why?
Why am I not as worthy as those other kids?
What is it about that those kids that is more special than me? I've talked to them. They don't do or say anything extraordinary like I feel I have to, not to even get what they get, but just to have some peace.
Why do I deserve fear, terror and a lack of safety?
Why did I have to get that?

[sanmagic7]

a whole lotta truth in there, my dear.

sending a hug full of love and hope.

[saylor]

Your Inner Child poem really captures that alienation that feels so familiar. It so resonates with my own experiences

My goodness, what a terrible position for your M to have put you in with that birthday party, and abandoned little you there! And why couldn't the other M have made the minimal effort to include you, choosing instead to reject you harshly in front of an audience? That must have been so painful, embarrassing, and confusing to you as an 8 yo. Kids that age don't have the perspective to know that it's not them, it's the adults behaving atrociously

[marta1234]

Hi holidayay, I just wanted to tell you that your poem resonates deeply with me. Thank you for sharing about the tough and hurtful situations; some of the situations that you described I haven't even admitted to myself.

[holidayay]

I don't have much energy to reply to each of you

I feel like I can't take anymore. Its been dawning on me with increasing horror how much my ideas on relationships, friendships, myself, other people, the world was all based on lies and fear and the exact details of the distorted views and how I came to see them that way and how they affected my life negatively and were all based on me living in survival mode and thinking that was normal......

Its way too much. Even down the fact that I don't even know or can feel anything in real time - my instincts always being to immediately feel shame, ignore/pretend its not happening or push myself aside to fix the issue to least convenience others so they won't yell at me or humiliate or or abandon me.

I can't believe it. I wanted answers and this is....well, be careful what you wish for. I can't believe the ease with which I have dehumanised myself due to internalising my mum's words and reactions. I just can't believe the sheer horror of it all. How on EARTH do I even process and move on from this?
The thought of living along those same lines and dynamics for another day sickens me.

[holidayay]

Your Inner Child poem really captures that alienation that feels so familiar. It so resonates with my own experiences

My goodness, what a terrible position for your M to have put you in with that birthday party, and abandoned little you there! And why couldn't the other M have made the minimal effort to include you, choosing instead to reject you harshly in front of an audience? That must have been so painful, embarrassing, and confusing to you as an 8 yo. Kids that age don't have the perspective to know that it's not them, it's the adults behaving atrociously

Thank you for seeing things this way. This is exactly how I felt - I was humiliated and felt such shame and a huge wave of shame with thoughts like 'oh silly you, you thought you could be like the other kids and go to a birthday party?? Don't you know you're meant to be invisible?' I remember seeing my sister running towards the play area (she had received an official invite, unlike me) and she ignored me when I told her they didn't want me there. I cried that she didn't care either. The man I'd see in McDonald's agreed to take me home, though, and he was nice to me.

I honestly can't fathom now, as an adult, how adults can behave this way towards children. My mum leaving me there, not bothering to ask the woman if it was okay, and then the woman blaming and shaming a child and leaving an 8 year old to deal with such a situation. She didn't even come with me to ask the man! I can't believe this - if this happened to a child now and I was in the position of that woman - a/ I would try to include her as much as possible b/ if money was THAT much of an issue, I could ring her parents whose number I would have thought to have if I had invited her sister and c/ at the very least, go speak to the man in McDonalds and explain the situation.



Did anybody else have a mother like this, who was so reckless and arrogant, this example is very typical of her. She always used to say this phrase in her mother tongue which used to anger me so much, it translates as 'let things slide/go unnoticed under other people's noses' and had this very arrogant attitude that anything that involved money and responsibility, other adults could take the buck for her and they wouldn't notice because she, in her mind, had cleverly 'let things go unnoticed under their noses'. Trouble is, they DID notice and usually let it be known to her kids, after she had disappeared, as if we should shoulder the embarrassment and admonishing.
I remember growing up and her constantly bleating on about how the community within which we lived didn't bother to come together to get her a house after my dad passed away, and how they have betrayed her and let her down and they were total traitors.

Who expects a house to be bought for them by the community once your spouse passes away? And she wasn't even a supportive figure within  the community - constantly causing friction and blasting people and driving wedges between everyone.
This sense of entitlement was so shocking. NPD at its finest.
And yet, when one woman within the community's husband got dementia and passed away, she was only gleeful. I remember thinking - oh, so if you practice as you preach, shouldn't you be thinking she deserves a house right now??

[holidayay]

Hi holidayay, I just wanted to tell you that your poem resonates deeply with me. Thank you for sharing about the tough and hurtful situations; some of the situations that you described I haven't even admitted to myself.

Thank you and I wish you lots of strength in your journey  Admitting things is so difficult especially at first, I'm trying to stick with it and feel all the icky feelings and see it through. Hoping there's a lot of healing for all of us, we all deserve it.