Starting my journal

[sanmagic7]

i agree.  i'm overwhelmed at the moment at all the realizations, etc., that have been coming up lately, and honestly, it's just one step, then another, make it thru this day, make it to the next.  that's pretty much my mantra right now.  each step counts, and we're stepping right beside you.  you're absolutely not alone in this.  it's horrible!  love and hugs.

[marta1234]

I agree with you, like san. I've been feeling so hopeless too about the reality of the past; it's just so scary and how am I supposed to process or comprehend that? How am I supposed admit that those feelings were real, that the fear was real, and that it happened to me?
But I want to tell you that we're all here for you, holidayay, and that we're going through this together, at different times. Know that you can reach out and write out those scary feelings or just your present state of mind, and you'll find support every time.

[holidayay]

Thank you san and marta, your words have given me strength this morning. I even got out of bed early, made my bed, took out the rubbish and made a cup of tea! (That's a big deal these days). Got my journal and painting now....there's an art competition on related to my work which I have sketched out a piece for, have been waiting to feel more energised to continue with it. Maybe today.

Hope you both have a good day and marta, when you do decide you feel ready to address things, please do share whatever you feel comfortable with. We are all here for you too 

[marta1234]

Great job for the cup of tea and cleaning up!
And thank you for your kind words 

[sanmagic7]

well done, my dear, on not only getting out of bed, but also for getting on with your art. 

little by little, we shall get thru this.  that's why we're here.  love and hugs

[holidayay]

Thank you guys  I hope everyone is having a restful start to the weekend 

Theme of the day: jealousy (urgh)

I'm beginning to realise...it really isn't as scary - in terms of consequence(s) to walk towards the darkness. The emotions. The feelings. That my fear and angst is more about how I have been conditioned to feel towards having the feelings, if that makes sense. My programming is to shut them down, immediately. But I've noticed that actually, walking towards them and admitting them isn't that bad at all.
We are not just the light, easy, happy, fluffy part of life. No-one is. That is the easier, nicer, side of the coin that abusive people want us to be, to accommodate for their dark, difficult, unhappy, rigid parts.

I went towards a really difficult part today. After blocking it out on auto-pilot just before bed, and having a horrendous night's sleep as a result. I'm still getting the hang of allowing those feelings to be, as they surface, in real time.

I saw some pictures of some people from medical school. The type that i guess, my biggest fears always projected onto. The kinds of kids who, on the surface at least, are bright, light, happy, funny and have loving families and know how to be, and naturally get validation and all the wonderful things life has to offer. Far more easily than I deserve to.
I realised this had been one of my biggest fears and causes of feeling completely invisible. Comparing myself to the picture-perfect image of them that is available on the surface.
Ironic, because it sounds a lot like how I just described above the light, happy, bright, fluffy side of life that I always felt I had to encompass. Maybe my biggest fear is that.....those kids could accomplish that criteria just by being, and I never figured out how, therefore this is why I am still undeserving.

Wow, the power of writing it all out. I didn't even think of this before.

I used to avoid such people all the time, because the agonising inner voice comparing me to them and putting myself down would go beserk around them. But then, a few times, when one or two of them would reach out and try to be friendly with me, I saw their human side.
Things weren't always perfect for them, at all.
One girl I'd pigeon-holed as 'definitely having it better and far more deserving than me' even once confessed in me about her history of going through abuse.

I just don't know why these old feelings are still coming up.
I feel jealousy, and envy and bitterness and those toxic thoughts of 'why do they deserve it and i don't?'. There was one girl in one of the pictures who seems to have it all....she's beautiful, tall, dates a really nice guy who also happens to be really good-looking, his family seem loving and caring, they moved in together and seem like the kind of couple who are destined to marry.
Something about her makes me feel like a failure, a has-been, a....scrap.
I barely even know her, so I know a huge part of this must be about my own insecurities and fears.

I never wanted to address these thoughts and fears because I never wanted to be bitter, resentful, jealous. I always thought, logically, it is a waste of time and most likely centred around distorted views of others' external life. Especially in this digital age.
And yet here I am, envious and jealous.

[marta1234]

We are not just the light, easy, happy, fluffy part of life. No-one is. That is the easier, nicer, side of the coin that abusive people want us to be, to accommodate for their dark, difficult, unhappy, rigid parts.

I had never thought of it this way, but it does make some sense to me.

I never wanted to address these thoughts and fears because I never wanted to be bitter, resentful, jealous. I always thought, logically, it is a waste of time and most likely centred around distorted views of others' external life. Especially in this digital age.
And yet here I am, envious and jealous.

I guess for me it was and is different; occasionally through my young years I would feel that, the envy of another person, but I'd always be too scared to even touch that feeling or put it into words. I remember when I did, I would feel so bad about myself and ashamed that I'd feel envy for someone other's "simple" life: nice family, safety and good school work. Sometimes though I would feel scared that I envy other people's lives, because subconsciously I knew that meant something was wrong with mine. And the wrong part was scary.
I think feeling the jealousy and envy today, as you said, is most likely because you are listening to your other parts and what they have been feeling your whole life. And now, you hear it.

Anyways, bravo to opening up to your feelings and other parts I know it's scary, so give yourself a big pat on the back for that work.

[sanmagic7]

i agree with marta - bravo on opening up to your feelings, recognizing what's going on.

you know, i was one of those people who was envied.  my foo looked great on the outside, and other kids wished they were part of my family cuz we looked like we were all fuzzy and happy and light.  even when i got older, i had people envy me cuz they thought i had it all together, i was funny, cute, etc.  they had no idea that i was numb to anything except to the light, happy being i showed toward others.  i helped that numbness along thru alcohol and drugs and any number of other addictions.

feeling your real feelings can be terribly difficult and painful at times, as i'm finally finding out, but i do believe that it's a positive thing that will help us continue to heal.  so, right beside you, my dear. love and hugs

[holidayay]

We are not just the light, easy, happy, fluffy part of life. No-one is. That is the easier, nicer, side of the coin that abusive people want us to be, to accommodate for their dark, difficult, unhappy, rigid parts.

I had never thought of it this way, but it does make some sense to me.

I never wanted to address these thoughts and fears because I never wanted to be bitter, resentful, jealous. I always thought, logically, it is a waste of time and most likely centred around distorted views of others' external life. Especially in this digital age.
And yet here I am, envious and jealous.

I guess for me it was and is different; occasionally through my young years I would feel that, the envy of another person, but I'd always be too scared to even touch that feeling or put it into words. I remember when I did, I would feel so bad about myself and ashamed that I'd feel envy for someone other's "simple" life: nice family, safety and good school work. Sometimes though I would feel scared that I envy other people's lives, because subconsciously I knew that meant something was wrong with mine. And the wrong part was scary.
I think feeling the jealousy and envy today, as you said, is most likely because you are listening to your other parts and what they have been feeling your whole life. And now, you hear it.

Anyways, bravo to opening up to your feelings and other parts I know it's scary, so give yourself a big pat on the back for that work.

Holy fig, I was terrified, expecting outraged reactions and that you might say I am horrible and the disturbed one for saying my truth. I did not expect to be understood like this. I'm almost at a loss...I'm so used to preempting my admissions being used against me (see you the one who is x, y and z'.
So thank you. For not using my feelings and authenticity against me.
Bless you, your examples of feeling similar growing up, I can so understand them from the outside looking in. Its easier to say i guess but I can see clearly you had nothing to be ashamed of and it was actually healthy to be envious of the things you didn't have that you needed...as a way of your soul acknowledging what was vitally missing from your life.
And I know exactly what you mean about subconsciously knowing something is wrong but which you can kind of almost fully pretend isn't if you were to not feel or think certain things...I had a thought the past week, since allowing myself to feel things more and more that: 'wow, no wonder my child self chose to dissociate and live in books and fantasies..even the romantic ones i posted feeling embarrassed about....this amount of pain is overwhelming far too much for me as a 30 year old, that it would have been impossible for a child to weather fully'.

What you said about listening to my other parts and finally hearing it...it makes sense. I'm scared, I'm terrified....what is giving them this listening and space opens an endless pit? I feel very ill-equipped to deal with this other than allow myself to feel it/journal it....the only reason I'm allowing it to even come up is because i can't push it away any longer, it keeps coming back, more ferociously and with greater strength! 

[holidayay]

i agree with marta - bravo on opening up to your feelings, recognizing what's going on.

you know, i was one of those people who was envied.  my foo looked great on the outside, and other kids wished they were part of my family cuz we looked like we were all fuzzy and happy and light.  even when i got older, i had people envy me cuz they thought i had it all together, i was funny, cute, etc.  they had no idea that i was numb to anything except to the light, happy being i showed toward others.  i helped that numbness along thru alcohol and drugs and any number of other addictions.

feeling your real feelings can be terribly difficult and painful at times, as i'm finally finding out, but i do believe that it's a positive thing that will help us continue to heal.  so, right beside you, my dear. love and hugs

Awww, thank you for sharing. I needed to hear that, as a reminder that not all is as it seems on the surface. I'm very glad for you that you are finding out about feeling your real feelings and feel motivated when i hear you're on this journey too. I hope we continue on this journey and slay the necessary dragons each time they pop up. We so deserve to continue healing 

[holidayay]

It's my sister's birthday today.
My sister who is vulnerable and who I tried my very best to look after, and it wasn't enough. I had to make the heartbreaking decision to walk away after she refused to have me in her life without the whole family getting a look-in. I couldn't do it anymore.
I still don't know anything more about whether she has finished her inpatient psychiatric treatment, how her new baby is, whether the baby is thriving in the care of foster parents.
I don't even know how covid is/has affected her being in hospital. And I'm a doctor. Imagine that. A doctor who goes in and looks after vulnerable people yet i haven't even enquired about my vulnerable relation. Am I acting against morality? Am I making heartless decisions Maybe. But I can't do it. Because the minute I get involved, the door opens for many new issues, manipulations, guilt, new trauma....its all in a day's work for them. And there is no-one there willing to look out for my needs if i don't do it myself. I justify it that I am withholding morality for a good reason: I can't be do my job properly if I open myself up to that. Time and time again, I've tried and it ends up with me, a collapsed mess, in bed, feeling like I want to die.
And not only that, but I have no idea what has happened at home since I gave my police recording of my other siblings' abuse against me.

And yet...it's her birthday. She's 34. I never forget 7th April - because 7 was always her favourite number. She was very vocal about it. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine I would not only be not wishing her a happy birthday, but that she would have a baby girl aged 33, who I would never meet.

But, on the upside...I did my first ever night shift as a doctor yesterday. I was terrified beforehand. But it was ok. More than ok. I cried 3 times to my colleagues. I even opened up and 2 of them shared with me their own stories of being separate from their families. It felt amazing to be understood, and given warm hugs and words of comfort.
And I channelled my longing to want to be there for my sister into a patient who was very frail and deteriorating. It felt like that empathy and care that is residing in me, dying to come out towards my sister, was transferred to him instead. And the local taxi service gave us a free ride home being key workers.

There's always good to be found. And now, I can sleep 

[marta1234]

Hi holidayay, I'm sending you comfort and a gentle hug (if that's ok) in these difficult times.
I am happy that you found kindness and comfort in opening up to your colleagues, especially with very personal information.
Sending you a blanket and a basket of comfort goodies.

[holidayay]

Trigger **sibling SA warning**



I've not been wanting to face the topic of my mum. I knew it would come round the more work I did, the more things I faced, and it started a few days ago, started trickling in, and the shock/horror of it was too much to bear.
I suppose for many years my little mind blocked it out/minimised/lived in pretense and denial about the truth because it was way too much to face up to.

My mum is a malignant narcissist. I grew up accustomed to her dominating every conversation, talking about herself. Every. Single. Conversation.
When it wasn't on her, she would get mad and interrupt rudely and use religious abuse/her own brand of made up science/philosophy to shut down the conversation. Things from 'its pathetic and heathen to celebrate' to 'it is bad for your health to laugh and talk too much'.
She was so controlling and nosey. Every phone call, every text, she would demand to know who it is. I learnt the response had to go through a filter process to pacify her. It had to be someone of high status, who I had to make up had said nice things about her in order for her to be satisfied. As I grew older and started to get irritable and short with this ridiculous process, I would take a stand. She responded to anger by being silent and trying to hold herself back. This actually upset me, as if I was scolding her. She would then use other manipulative tactics to get it out of me. Like smiling a fake sweet smile and trying to sound innocuous - things such as starting off the sentence with  'oh, not that I want to know, but I just was worried about you...' when she wasn't at all.
My mind is racing a million miles remembering the many instances where she was controlling, nasty, manipulative, inappropriate.

She bullied my eldest siblings relentlessly. She jeered, mocked, shamed and humiliated them. I watched it all.
She had a particular hatred for my oldest sister. Who happened to be beautiful. I guess because that is the narcissistic mother's typical source of hatred. A young, beautiful daughter. She used to bully and order my eldest brothers to hit her, follow her around, keep checking in on her, wherever she went. In turn, they would order us younger ones to join in with the abuse. Order us all to ignore her, isolate her.
I was so confused.
Then the disgusting claims of incest came about. My sister made claims my eldest brother was sexually inappropriate with her. My mum was vile about it and blamed her and said 'you enjoy it, you ask for it' whereas my dad reacted with fury and threw him out of the house.
I was aged 7 or 8. I was so confused. My eldest brother was really kind and protective to me and suddenly he had been thrown out. I felt so upset for him, so sad at the thought of him being homeless. I didn't understand the disgusting claims being made. I just need it was something wrong and inappropriate.
When my sister was 15, she was a huge problem child at school. My parents were religious and decided she had to get married. Aged 15. Coming from a religious background where females were treated essentially as commodities, this wasn't too shocking back then. But now, in my mature adult state, I am in absolute shock recounting this. Aged 15! The lack of care afforded to me sister is shaking me up and making me feel dizzy and nauseaus. There was an older man who was apparently rich and well respected within the community. In his 20's. My sister in her naiive teenage years was 'excited to get married'.
It got round that he had mentioned he preferred a slimline figure like mine. My sister was annoyed and spiteful towards me about it and mocked me about my figure. I was less than 10 years old!!!!
In my confused state, i didn't know whether him saying that was a good or bad thing. I was puzzled why a grown man would notice my figure. On the other hand, I was shocked to be noticed...at all. I had gotten so used to being invisible and feeling like i needed to make myself as invisible as possible that for someone to even notice my existence gave me my first dose of feeling like I was...a person. Writing that makes me feel devastated. And makes me realise the ease with which young children starved of love can so easily be groomed.
I'm lucky that never happened to me, that I never crossed paths with an adult abuser in that respect.

This is all I can manage for now on the huge steaming pot of emotions related to my mum.
I need a tea break.

[holidayay]

I had a jarring dream this morning which woke me up abruptly.
It was about the youngest of my brothers, who is a few years older than me. In my dream, i was talking to him about his heydays and how he'd since fallen. His heydays in my dream were symbolised by being married and owning his own football club. My mind even created a clip that we watched of him on the stands, beckoning his co-coach (his wife) and his team over. He looked so suave and in control.
That's not how he really was in his heyday. But he did used to be a go-getter. I watched him as a youngster, chasing and striving for better. He took it upon himself to study hard and get into university for engineering. He pushed me and my sisters to study hard and to focus on our work.
I watched him as he became disappointed in the real world. I remember intuitively feeling, even as a kid, that the real world wouldn't be as he expected. I used to muse that he thought all he had to do was get status, and everything would be ok. I instinctively felt that was incorrect and he was going to have a very horrible, rude awakening. The anxiety used to cripple me. What could I say? I was little more than a 12 year old at that point. I prayed my instincts were incorrect. But I knew deep down they weren't.
And it happened, exactly as I'd anticipated.
His ideas for climbing the ladder and getting in with the 'better off' fell spectacularly. He chased a girl 'of high status'. I still remember how he saved her name on his phone. 'L Real Class'. He wanted a 'high status, high class' everything, and that included a would-be girlfriend. He got into fraud whilst at university. The girl rejected him and somehow I saw the message on his phone from her 'you are the wrong colour'. It broke my heart.
He got found out for fraud, called our eldest brother to pick him up from uni , who proceeded to have a huge go at hime, blaming him for moving far away.
My anxiety was through the roof. Why had he gotten into fraud? Why did he only have aspirations of 'high status'? The narcissism model fits the bill, now, I can see...
He came home and was angry, moody, depressed. We bore the brunt of it.
If I thought my anxiety was sky-high before, now it was soaring. He stayed in bed much of his time, only to emerge to unleash rage onto my mum and us youngsters. He raged that as girls of the house, we should be doing his housework, laundry and cooking.
I just wanted to look after him and make him feel better. I wanted to tell him he didn't have to prove anything with the 'high status life' and that the 'real class' girl who had rejected him in a racist way was a awful snob who he was well rid of. I wanted to tell him it didn't matter to me that he had made bad decisions and got found out for fraud. I know he felt utterly humiliated. But he was like an angry bull. Only wanting to unleash her anger.
In the context of a heavily narcissistic family, this just begets more anger. My mum jeered at him relentlessly. Mocked him. That made him angrier. I felt so unbelievably sad watching all this. Thinking how wrong it all was. Thinking how he needed care and space and some kind of mentor and guidance not....my mum's bullying, histrionic madness. I felt powerless watching all this. Soon he started spending more and more time at our main house, instead of the flat he shared with my brother.
That made life infinitely more terrible. He was moody, dirty, lazy and in a heavy depression.
If we so much as spoke too loud, he would unleash * onto us.
My mum flipped between taunting him, to being afraid when he lashed out at us and tiptoeing around him and encouraging me to do the same.
The constant change of emotions required of me at a moment's notice was unbearable, my system felt completely awash with anxiety, cortisol and stress.

But more than all that.....was the sadness. How much I cared for him and how sad I felt that he had not been able to find his happiness and peace. How I wanted mum to stop bullying him. How his magical thinking about life (a coping technique i had also resorted to in my spare time) had failed him so spectacularly and I was so, so sorry for him. I wanted to hug him and tell him it was okay, that none of it mattered, that I still loved him regardless and that he shouldn't be preoccupied with money, the new gadgets he had bought like his flashy new phone which he could no longer pay for....none of it mattered to me. I could listen to him and help him figure things out, if he wanted me to. But he didn't. He didn't want any kindness beyond being given a free room and food for him to be cooked and served whilst he watched tv all day.

My heart broke so many times watching all this. The survival part of me felt dismayed - is this what awaited me once i left the family unit? A harsh reality check that I was unprepared for? The empathy part of me wanted to take it all off his shoulders and soothe him. Tell my mum to back off. Tell him he could rest and talk to me, and slowly we could help him find another dream, another way..he was smart and hardworking before all this, after all.
But he didn't want that. Over time, it became clear just how strong his narcissistic tendencies were. He became more and more demanding. He felt entitled to a 'wife' as our culture and religion would have him believe, in his mind. He felt low-paid jobs were 'beneath' him and that he shouldn't have to work.
He started leaching off family members more and more.
Stopped paying any of his share of the bills for the flat.
Ignored all demands for payment.
Got into drugs.
Got beaten up.
The list goes on and on and on.

My brother who lived with him slowly started going mad dealing with him. They fought insane fights. Bloody fights. I hated seeing the blood and scars. Finally I snapped and told my other brother to go hand in the keys to the landlord and say bills aren't being paid and that he was relinquishing the flat. Which is what he did.
I thought a rude awakening separating the two of them might help.
To some extent, it did. But the younger of the brothers still didn't seem to have the rude awakening call he needed. It shocked me how much needed to happen for him to shape up - where would it end? In fact, it never did. Last I heard he went from place to place, being kicked out of different accommodation for being lazy, defiant, dirty, obstructive, not paying rent.

In the end, I had to say a silent, heartbroken goodbye to him and shut him out of my heart abruptly. There was no time for grieving, or talking about it - there were many other family members who all seemed to be battling the spotlight for their own crazy, dysfunctional issues that seemed to happen on a daily basis as though it was just the norm. Just how life is.
Until I decided to fend for myself.
Leaving home aged 18 was both the most terrifying and best decision I could have ever done for myself.

And yet, I wish leaving emotionally and mentally was as easy as leaving physically. I have not lived with them full-time since 2007. And somehow, its only now I am playing catch up with all the emotional and mental distress I wanted to escape so badly.

[holidayay]

After M's death.
Being in law class, feeling like I am going to burst.
Being terrified of what others will think. That my situation is too weird, too much, too abnormal to speak about and want to be around.
Not even recognising that compassion from others or myself for myself is a thing.
Wondering how I can show up for others in these circumstances...STILL.
I am furious at this.
How I was programmed to STILL only be concerned with others, making THEIR lives easy when I was going though * internally.

The world is not safe, no no no.
I'm at breaking point.