I unblocked their email addresses

[Gromit]

On holiday my OH was wondering if anyone in my FOO would ask about our son's exam results. When we returned I unblocked my enF's email address. I had blocked it because I felt so angry when he made comments about not seeing us for so long. Like he had no choice in the matter.

I thought I would not know whether or not they thought about this stage of my son's life if I kept the email blocked.

So, the results are not out yet but I had an email. My father has cancer, it is back, now in another organ, he is ok but does not want chemo. He has no symptoms it was picked up because he had cancer a couple of years ago and still has regular checks.

I feel upset. I wasn't before, the last time. Then he was having surgery and there was even a chance I could see him until he found out and wanted me to see my mother at the same time. That triggered me.

For the first time in a few years I responded, said I was sorry to hear his news, explained I had blocked him because of how I felt. I haven't had any reply, he only seems to email on certain days, times, when he feels safe to do so I guess. Yes, whether it is justified or not, I understand that fear, it still paralyses me at times.

My OH knows, asks me questions, which I cannot answer.

I just wanted to tell it here because I am sure somebody here will know and understand what this is like.

G

[Not Alone]

Gromit, sorry to hear that your F has cancer. I have dealt with (and am currently dealing with) people in my life who have had cancer, including a parent. As much as you would like to share your feelings and thoughts about this---no matter what they are----I would like to support you.

[Gromit]

Thanks Notalone, I actually felt tearful for quite a while.
I still haven't had a response.
My OH asks things like, 'how was it left?' 'Do you want to see him?'
He doesn't realise how they communicate, or don't. I doubt my father has told anyone he has told me.
I do wonder about asking my brother-in-law as he has communicated with me before, because he wanted something, but what?
G

[Kizzie]

I don't know if this will help Gromit but wanted to share in case it does.  My NPD M had cancer a few years back and I had a really mixed up reaction of wanting/needing to protect myself and a humane part of me wanting to extend some compassion/care. 

Just thinking about it is a bit triggering b/c it was like walking through a minefield.  There was no simple or good answer on how to deal with the situation, that is reaching out to a person who has abused you and risking they will behave similarly yet again, getting caught up in the thing that caused your CPTSD.

I just did the best I could to care for myself in the face of what I knew would be triggering/trauma inducing.  I did not go to where my M lives for her surgery/recovery -- way too much, but I did tell her as you did your F that I was sorry she was ill. My H went there on business and he visited her and spoke to her doctor so we had the real facts about her cancer and her prognosis (which was good). 

There wasn't much I wanted to do beyond that b/c it would hurt me and I had to work on being OK with that. 

Hope some of this is helpful 

[Gromit]

Thanks Kizzie for your response. It was helpful.
My father is the enabler, the one I actually felt safe with, although it helps to look beyond that to actually look at the effect his actions or lack of action had on my childhood and adulthood.

As I have not had any further response from my father I contacted my BIL yesterday. He is the last person who contacted me, because he wanted me to do something for him. I kept it short. Could he tell me the prognosis if he knew it and was willing?

I have had a great long email in return telling me 'no, we are not getting involved', although he and my sister knew my father had contacted me and knew I had responded. Telling me that I should have asked my sister although acknowledging that I had no relationship with her.......

I really dislike the way my sister and her husband speak about me or to me. He said my request was reasonable and yet made it seem so loaded.

Inside I feel like retaliating, saying this is unfair. But I know it is safer not to. Anything I say will be manipulated just as this reasonable request for information has been.

He gave me a verbal smack telling me I had burnt my bridges with my sister. I was not aware I had done that. It was not intentional unlike my separating from my parents. But, it is obviously what they want to believe.

So, if I want to know anything I will have to call my parents. Which is not something I am about to do.

G

[Three Roses]

So sorry you're going through this! I can totally relate to the hurt, the misunderstandings, wanting clarification, the need to retaliate and defend yourself.

You're smack in the middle of it and it's not easy. And it's impossible to explain to others. Best wishes to you, and your family member(s) as well for speedy recovery.

[Gromit]

Thanks Three Roses, I showed my husband the email, he called my BIL a few names for the arrogance and pomposity of it. He also suggested a few responses which I did unfortunately use rather than sticking to 'I am unwilling to comply would have been sufficient'. Hey ho, it is what it is, I just wanted to point out to them I was not aware how I had burned bridges with my sister. I know she might not have liked it when I said I felt I could not trust her but it is my honest feeling.

My OH did offer to contact my parents with a copy to my sister so there could be no doubt about content (he has learnt how his actions can be twisted) to find out what the prognosis is. He is offended that no one from my FOO has even mentioned our son's exams just as my neice is about to embark on the same stage at school.

My OH did point out that I had responded to my father, therefore the ball was in his court, upto him to reply. I had done what I could apart from telephoning.
G

[Kizzie]

I really empathize Gromit. My H has helped me out a few times in situations similar to yours and it did help. I agree the ball does seem to be in your F's court,  imo you have done as much as you can and that's a lot considering you struggle with CPTSD. 

FWIW I am no contact with my B because any contact inevitably led to my being very triggered and my H getting angry - wasn't worth it to go through that any more.

[Gromit]

Kizzie, I am almost no contact with my S, as her husband said, I have no relationship with her so I finally unfriended her on FB, I feel I know why she would not do that herself, she, in my experience, is like my mother and passive aggressive, allowing other people to take responsibility instead of her.

I did wonder today if my BIL's long email and refusal to give me information was deliberately to annoy me, although he said it was not.

I got a glimpse into a different world today, a stranger I communicate with on Twitter announced they had cancer. I said how sorry I was and got a 'thank you' straight away. Still haven't heard from my father but feel I have only myself to blame as I have not responded to his other emails. That was the conclusion alluded to by my BIL, I am reaping what I sowed. Everything is allusion, nothing direct, hence why he used hundreds of words when 5 would have done the job to tell me what he meant directly.
G

[Kizzie]

   

[Gromit]

I read a comment someone had left on an FB group for people who are NC with parents. They had listened to a podcast, unfortunately did not mention which one, but it suggested setting a boundary requesting that the people you are NC with should not discuss you.

It occurs to me that I could try asking this of my FOO. After all, they refuse to discuss other members of the FOO with me but have admitted to discussing me with other members of the FOO and, as none of them are in open and direct communication with me, none of the things they are saying can possibly be accurate. I feel this because my BIL actually stated that he knew why I had approached him and not my sister. My OH said he could not 'know' any such thing.

Obviously, I have no control over the outcome of such a request, but I can still make it. And I can send it to all of them that I have addresses for simultaneously so they can be in no doubt.

Phew, I feel short of breath just thinking about it.
G

[Gromit]

I have just had a telephone call from my sister, whilst I had been working on the following email to all of them:

For this to be clear it needs to go to everyone at the same time so it is copied to everyone who has contact with me.

P says I must contact D directly for information about D. Absolutely, direct communication is always the best way, who else is likely to know what they have experienced, what they think and feel than the person directly involved? And who they want to have access to that information?

However, according to the email below, P and C are aware of D's email to me and my reply to him, therefore, someone has been discussing me behind my back. This is despite what P wrote to me: I trust you will respect my privacy as I respect yours. 14/5/19

I am fully aware this is not the first time I have been talked about behind my back, nor is it the first time that information has been withheld from me, even information which was addressed to me or about me.

All of you are aware that none of you has open, honest or direct regular contact with me, therefore you cannot possibly know what is going on in my life, what impact that has on me, what I think or feel so please stop discussing me in this way. If you would like to know what I think or feel, or why I have acted in any way that is unclear to you, perhaps because you have heard about it from someone other than myself, then I suggest you ask me directly, for yourself alone.

G

How is the above for a boundary setting letter? Obviously initials have been changed.

M my sister gave me the information that she knows about our dad, he has about a year left with no treatment, maybe 3 with treatment. I thanked her, said it must have been difficult for her, contacting me I mean.

I was going to hang fire on my email, keep it in drafts anyway. She said my parents are away for a few weeks so I would not hear from them even though they probably would not realise I was expecting to as I had not asked any specific questions. I asked why she was calling, after all, I was told they would not give me any information. She said she just did not want to get involved in any 'triangulation' her husband's phrase. I guess she realised that just telling me what she had worked out from what the consultant said was not triangulation.

In the light of life and death news it does not seem important worrying about who said what to who.

G

[Gromit]

My daughter's birthday brought a card from my parents, for us, separately.

Apparently with a clear invitation, according to my H. 'If you are ever in ....., we would be happy to meet up with you.' Because they are far too old to travel back here.

That is not a clear invitation IMO, but it is just their style and it still ignores the elephant, and it leaves any action entirely up to me.

I feel like using a whole load of rude words but I know they would not be allowed here.

[Kizzie]

I'm sorry there wasn't any acknowledgement of the part they played in things and that they put it all on you Gromit, my M is the same and I know how that feels     and      

If my M were to do this, I would see it (nowadays) not as a conciliatory move (opening the door), but more a move to shore up her position. "I did nothing wrong but I'll be the bigger person and reach out to my overly sensitive daughter." It's a covert way of saying I'm to blame and it's up me to fix things.

 

[Blueberry]

Gromit, my FOO is the same. I'm sorry you're going through this atm. I find this stuff really difficult when it's taking place.  and     Sending compassion 

fwiw, in my FOO the kind of email you quote below wouldn't be understood, even if read. And they'd tend to use it as ammunition against me in some way. If one mbr of FOO were to ask me directly, it probably wouldn't be for him/her alone but for somebody else. In fact, FOO has been behaving this way for years. Just because I've been changing doesn't mean they are or can or even see a need to. I've had a lot of help on how to respond, or not, over at OutOfTheFog, also from my T. My emails are now usually one-liners. I then use OOTS for the grieving or angering part. I've written lots of Recovery letters here! and used lots of these