scared

Started by lostronaut, March 24, 2015, 10:22:41 AM

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lostronaut

most of my childhood is a big blank, wondering if trying to change will make me remember things that are better left forgotten? I have always hated that i can remember, but right now im not so sure

schrödinger's cat

Not a good feeling, this, or so it sounds like. I've no idea how great the risk is that memories will just appear abruptly and completely. Maybe a therapist would know more.

I knew the facts about my childhood and adolescence, most of them, but I couldn't remember the actual reality of it - what it had felt like, what it had been like, what day-to-day life had been like. I tried several times to reconnect with it, and always felt: "...on second thoughts, nah, better not." I assumed I'd forgotten about this for a good reason. Now they're starting to emerge, but slowly, bit by tiny bit. It's doable, so far. But I'm still constantly surprised by how much mental and emotional energy all this takes up. One time, it felt like grieving someone's death: this acute sense of loss and grief. Soooo... once you do remember,  it's best to cut yourself some slack, probably.

QuoteI have always hated that i can remember, but right now im not so sure

Same here. Once I began to realize what it all actually had been like, I patted my subconscious on the back and praised it for cushioning me from all that crap for all these years. It has excellent taste.

Rrecovery

We as humans have protective mechanisms that pace the timing of the emergence of traumatic memories.  When you have the tools and support to deal with them they will emerge slowly.  Not fun but workable. Self compassion is a really helpful disposition for coping with the process.  We are all on this courageous journey together  :hug:

keepfighting

Quote from: lostronaut on March 24, 2015, 10:22:41 AM
most of my childhood is a big blank, wondering if trying to change will make me remember things that are better left forgotten? I have always hated that i can remember, but right now im not so sure

:hug:, lostronaut. That's exactly how I felt before I started t in 2001 and why CBT was the right choice for me at the time: It concentrates very much on the present, stabilizing your symptoms and getting (emotionally) stronger and more resilient and barely scratches the past and the source of the hurt. Maybe CBT would be a good starting point for you, too, or have you tried it already?

One though just occured to me:

When it is safe for you (eventually) to allow some of your memories to resurface and you will 'meet' the younger lostronaut, you will probably meet a scared and lonely little boy who needs the comfort and reassurance the adult lostronaut can offer him; but you will also meet a survivor, a fighter, a brave little chap who managed to survive and keep his head above water in almost impossible circumstances - in other words, you'll also meet a person who can teach the adult you a thing or two about courage and never giving up hope. You won't 'meet' a stranger, you'll meet your best friend who helped you get this far.

Be really really nice and compassionate towards yourself right now. You're not alone.  :hug:

Convalescent

Quote from: schrödinger's cat on March 24, 2015, 01:56:05 PM
Not a good feeling, this, or so it sounds like. I've no idea how great the risk is that memories will just appear abruptly and completely. Maybe a therapist would know more.

I knew the facts about my childhood and adolescence, most of them, but I couldn't remember the actual reality of it - what it had felt like, what it had been like, what day-to-day life had been like. I tried several times to reconnect with it, and always felt: "...on second thoughts, nah, better not." I assumed I'd forgotten about this for a good reason. Now they're starting to emerge, but slowly, bit by tiny bit. It's doable, so far. But I'm still constantly surprised by how much mental and emotional energy all this takes up. One time, it felt like grieving someone's death: this acute sense of loss and grief. Soooo... once you do remember,  it's best to cut yourself some slack, probably.

QuoteI have always hated that i can remember, but right now im not so sure

Same here. Once I began to realize what it all actually had been like, I patted my subconscious on the back and praised it for cushioning me from all that crap for all these years. It has excellent taste.

Yes! That is an excellent way of being your best friend, understanding, taking care of and be compassionate towards yourself :)

lostronaut

QuoteI knew the facts about my childhood and adolescence, most of them, but I couldn't remember the actual reality of it

thats exactly what its like,  the memories of my childhood feel second hand, like a story i read about someone else, my traumas were mostly from the school system, my parents were in my view unwitting accomplices,  so my mother and i have talked about my childhood extensively, such incidences as 2nd grade valentines day being the only child in the class with no valentines in my box, i have had a huge amount of success with CBT but have not been doing therapy for quite some time, and cannot really afford to start again, but when i was in CBT we didnt focus on the childhood stuff,  i was diagnosed as having bipolar, addictions, and "personality disorder NOS with borderline and anti-social traits"  but i think that c=ptsd more fully explains things. the thing that scares me is that i act out sexually, and if there is sexual abuse in my past im not sure how i would take it, ive got so much on my plate already

lostronaut

made an appointment with a therapist that is associated with a group of therapists that does cbt dbt and emdr, apprehensive, the committee in my head keeps rehearsing the session, of course

Kizzie

Yes, that darn committee  :pissed:    Hope your appointment goes well   :hug:

bee

I can only speak for my experiences.

I seem to remember things on a pace that I can deal with. There seems to be a direct correlation between the time and energy I have available and the amount of stuff that surfaces. When I have a lot going on, not much comes to the surface. When nothing is going on, memories become more clear. It has never been a flood. It has been difficult at times, but nothing at all like it was when I was actually living through it.