Just been contacted via flying monkey *trigger warning*

[holidayay]

So after cutting out my family, I've been focusing on healing.
The last member to go - my younger sister who I'd falsely believed was very close to me - has been the hardest to cut out.
I had to, after she chose to victim-blame me for my ptsd around childhood sex abuse I endured.
Her response was revolting and she tried her best to 'get me back in line' by gaslighting, shaming and blaming me.

I was the person in her life who always mopped up her messes. Took on all her problems. Took the blame for everything.

She resisted this change after a therapist told me I needed better boundaries. Tried out new tactics to get me to fall back in line.
I didn't give in and blocked her, in the end.

Today I get a message from a friend of hers pleading with me to get back in touch and to 'put our differences aside'. Differences?! This isn't 'differences' what she really means is: can you pause on your new endeavour to have better boundaries for a minute and let me back in, the way things used to be.

The friend pleaded with me that I should talk to my sister because our other sister (who is bipolar) is now pregnant and she needs to discuss something with me regarding another family member.

I delayed medical school and had to repeat a year because of looking after my bipolar sister when she was on her manic phases. And after all that, and she was back to baseline, she simply left and went back to her old, dysfunctional habits, not caring one iota that my life had been turned upside down by the 6 months i spent looking after her. This bipolar sister wastes no time in parroting the narcissistic 'its all your fault' in times when I've been depressed and going through difficult things.

I am SO furious. I couldn't control myself and replied back to the friend tell her that none of that was my problem and that her dear friend - my sister - believes in victim-blaming childhood abuse, and that the whole family are narcissists and that I have PTSD as a result. I told her if I received a reply from my sister via her where it was filled with her typical shaming, blaming and gaslighting, I would report it to the police as harrassment.

I don't know what I should have done. After the anger, I am now rattled, nervous and can feel the empathy seeping in. Should I have heard her out?
I simply can't afford to. I am now working full time and a doctor and the job is hard enough, I don't have time for narcissistic nonsense and the effects that come with it. I actually NEED my sleep. I NEED my emotional and mental wellbeing.

How dare she! The AUDACITY! Her last message to me before being blocked was so vitriolic and she has the audacity to lead with 'please put differences aside' - no apology WHATSOEVER. I am stunned how anyone can have such nerve. If I had sent a message like the one she sent me, I'd be filled with so much shame and would be apologising and asking for forgiveness before I even THOUGHT about asking that person for help.

For goodness' sake 
I don't know what the right thing is to do.

[Three Roses]

I think you've hit the nail on the head when you say,

This isn't 'differences' what she really means is: can you pause on your new endeavour to have better boundaries for a minute and let me back in, the way things used to be.

I think you're right that what she really wants is for you to have no boundaries.

There's a book called "The Dance Of Anger" where the author likens interpersonal relationships to a dance. I'm over simplifying here, but you have changed the steps of your dance and it's thrown your sister off balance. Imo this is an attempt to take control of the dance back, and change it back into one whose steps she finds familiar and comfortable. Whether that's good for you or not.  Around here we call that "hoovering" - trying to suck you back in.

Sometimes stepping back and looking at a situation as though it involves complete strangers helps clarify things for me. If this were happening to a friend of yours, could you advise the friend to drop her guard and re-enter the ring?

If your sister needs help, let her contact a professional. I think you'd be risking your recovery and sanity to get back involved with them.

This is a relatively brief video (less than 8 minutes) of 5 phrases to use to disarm a narcissist. Hope it helps! Stand strong, holidayay.

https://youtu.be/6TSh9zTHz2k

[holidayay]

Thanks threeroses.

I've had a horrendous day, triggered all day.
I'm going to take a break from feeling my feelings and distract myself with a boxset. I feel horrific.

[Jazzy]

Hope you feel better soon Holidayay, stay strong! Take care!

[holidayay]

I had horrible dreams.

I dreamt I was so unhappy, lonely and distressed that I called out for my sister to please come sit with me, as I needed someone. I was waiting to go see the mental health doctor but was too terrified to even be alone. There was an ant nest in one corner of the room.
My sister angrily yelled back that she would NOT be coming, that she had her own problems and her own difficulties she needed to focus on. I meekly answered that she had an ant nest before getting on with de-anting.

This is the same sister who texted via her friend yesterday.
This rejection of my needs because 'I have so many of my own problems!' used to happen so many times.
I used to sit and listen and help her, because I thought I was responsible for doing so.
The time I was heartbroken and distressed - 'her own problems' was needing to focus on her exams.
The time my other sister was manic and it all fell on me and I needed help to help her - 'her own problems' was her stress levels were through the roof and/or there was drama with her boyfriend at the time.
The other time my sister was manic and needed help - 'her own problems' was well, she didn't even bother to give an excuse. She just had her own problems.
The time last year I was needing to talk because I was being triggered - 'her own problems' was a mix of having spent all her money, guy trouble and wanting to party. Oh and SHE was unhappy - why should I be triggered, its my own fault and 'people like me' who never forget the past. Never mind that she would want to talk about her ex for hours on end. One rule for her, another for everyone else.

I'll never forget the first time it dawned on me that she really was emotionally bankrupt and could not/did not want to give anything and instead, want the status quo to remain. I was so used to feeling pressured into being her life source, her listener, her nurturer, her soother. She was always ready to boil.
This one occasion - I was in so much pain, I don't know why, but I just somehow assumed she would recognise that and want to be there for me. I was alone in her housemate's room, who had gone home for the holidays, it was dark and cold, the bed sheets were deep red. I was attempting to apply for a part time job online, but felt like I was in so much pain. I texted her (she was upstairs) asking her if she would mind sitting with me whilst I applied. She exploded at me that she had 'her own problems' and 'is not my mum' and this 'isn't her problem'.

I felt so shocked and betrayed! I'd remember spending countless hours with her in previous years where she would always spend her student loan far too quickly and I would make tea for us, sit next to her whilst she was miserable and help her apply for jobs and give her encouragement and a pep talk. It never dawned on me that SHE would never be interested in doing the same back.

This sister started feeling like a huge extension of my mum. 'All about me, everything about me and my problems matter a great deal whilst nothing about you and yours matter at all' was the message I was receiving.

Last year when I finally made the decision to cut her off for good, she told me that me focusing on the trauma of my past was breaking up a family. I told her it wasn't me that was doing that, but the people whose actions led to trauma who have not changed one bit.

When I pulled her up on this comment which re-traumatised me at the time, she said: 'oh I was having too many of my own problems back then, I had to sort my life out! I didn't know what I was saying'.

Yesterday I wrote a long message to her. I told her that having problems in your life is not and will never be justifiable excuse to betray someone. For her, its one long life-long excuse for why she shouldn't and can't possibly consider others.

But really, its pointless. I remembered when I read somewhere that you know you're dealing with a narcissist when you feel like you find yourself having to explain basic human decency as if you're talking to a 5 year old.

I'm mad at myself for having been reckless enough to give her my new number after I'd changed it, thinking she was the one family member I could perhaps hope on. I'm scared that I can receive more texts with more unwanted news from other numbers.
She is incredibly stubborn in letting go of the old dynamics that favoured her needs above all else.

Well, this is where I will get stubborn. I am NOT INTERESTED in being catnip for someone's easy delivery of abuse and manipulation.

[Blueberry]

Yesterday I wrote a long message to her. I told her that having problems in your life is not and will never be justifiable excuse to betray someone. For her, its one long life-long excuse for why she shouldn't and can't possibly consider others.

But really, its pointless.

First of all, I'm sorry about all the memories, realisations and frustrations you're dealing with atm! It sounds really tough.

Ime trying to get through to FOO with these sorts of points is as you say pointless. Though I did try for a long, long time. Far too long. What I have found helpful is writing a letter and not sending it. We have a board for that here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=43.0 That way you're directing feelings and words to the person and not just describing to us. Although it did take me a long time to manage to write letters. First I was so overwhelmed by my feelings that I'd just blank. That doesn't have to happen to you though.

[holidayay]

Yesterday I wrote a long message to her. I told her that having problems in your life is not and will never be justifiable excuse to betray someone. For her, its one long life-long excuse for why she shouldn't and can't possibly consider others.

But really, its pointless.

First of all, I'm sorry about all the memories, realisations and frustrations you're dealing with atm! It sounds really tough.

Ime trying to get through to FOO with these sorts of points is as you say pointless. Though I did try for a long, long time. Far too long. What I have found helpful is writing a letter and not sending it. We have a board for that here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=43.0 That way you're directing feelings and words to the person and not just describing to us. Although it did take me a long time to manage to write letters. First I was so overwhelmed by my feelings that I'd just blank. That doesn't have to happen to you though.

Hi blueberry  thanks for your reply and everyone else - I don't always get round to replying individually but know that every reply I read helps to heal another little chink in my china.

I think I'm gonna give this a go next time it flares up..
I feel good now. Went shopping and forgot just how good retail therapy can be. Got my first pay cheque and decided to treat myself. There's a store with a free stylist here and she picked out a whole new wardrobe for me. Got lots of new work and leisure outfits that are super cute.

Ahhh how I appreciate now these moments of bliss where I am not living in the trauma. 

[Three Roses]

Well, this is where I will get stubborn. I am NOT INTERESTED in being catnip for someone's easy delivery of abuse and manipulation.

 

[Not Alone]

This sister started feeling like a huge extension of my mum. 'All about me, everything about me and my problems matter a great deal whilst nothing about you and yours matter at all' was the message I was receiving.

Although sad and frustrating, good that you can see this.
Regarding your sister having your phone number, I'm not tech savvy, but there is probably a way to block her if you want to.

[holidayay]

This sister started feeling like a huge extension of my mum. 'All about me, everything about me and my problems matter a great deal whilst nothing about you and yours matter at all' was the message I was receiving.

Although sad and frustrating, good that you can see this.
Regarding your sister having your phone number, I'm not tech savvy, but there is probably a way to block her if you want to.

I did block her ages ago. She got her friend to message me. I've now blocked her friend too.
I feel so stupid for daring to think I could trust her with my new number after I changed it and made her promise not to give it to the rest of the family. So far, it doesn't look like she has given it to the rest of the family but the realisations are that she IS the rest of the family.

I really hoped to avoid this realisation, even though I'd had this gut feeling for years. I wanted at least my sister to remain in my life.
Loneliness is miserable.