Return to (self)-destructive behaviour

[Blueberry]

I think I'm fighting some of the wrong people atm. I don't mean the client I wrote about. But more friends. Yes, there are aspects of some friends/acquaintances that drive me up the wall. And in one particular case, I didn't say anything for far too long. otoh there's this rage in me, pushing people out of the way, criticising others where I am frustrated because of their criticism of xyz but them not doing anything about it. So it becomes a spiral of criticism and of negativity. I push people away. They think I'm perfectionist. I know because I've been through these phases before and have had that as feedback. It's maybe not best to push people away who are well-meaning towards me but have their own failings and problems. I don't think I'm a pleasant person to be around atm irl. It's different on a forum.

And while I'm about it, I sink ever deeper into floundering depths of not taking meds (though I did today), not drinking enough, not showering often enough, not washing my dishes or doing basic cleaning. Not even doing things which are fun, which I had intended to do. Actually "not even" doesn't belong there. It's actually really difficult for me to go and have fun when I'm in this state. NTS: no self-condemnation for not doing fun activities. This too shall pass.

[sanmagic7]

 

just a thought, blueberry.  might you be grieving?  i've heard that when we are in grieving mode, we can go all wonky and return to previous behaviors, often because they're known, and had been comfortable.  don't know if this applies to you, but it sounded familiar.

this phase will pass - i agree w/ you on that.  just get thru it as best you can. 

and, i also find people annoying/irritating who talk the talk but don't walk the walk.  i've ended up not spending a lot of in-depth time w/ them, but rather kept more of a surface relationship. 

all in all, i hear you, i'm with you, and hope this phase passes quickly.  love and hugs, blueberry.

[woodsgnome]

It's hard enough to come by friends, and in the mix comes what can be a fragile relationship to those we do find. Things 'should' go smoother, it's the ideal we expect. Then Outer Critic tags up with Inner Critic and ... things fall apart.

Fact is, we are terribly fragile sometimes, so are they; so things are bound to pop once in a while. Not that I'm an expert on friends; it's always been a sore point, stemming from mistrust of everyone, myself included.

It's nuts to have to rely on words when things spiral downward, but I do relate to the notion that it's okay not to be okay.

So I just hope this is, indeed, a passing moment for you. It's pretty easy to self-blame, but it's noteworthy that you've transformed some of this into a fair bit of self-understanding, too.



 

[Kizzie]

Just heading out on our house buying trip BB so will post more later but for now just sending you a  and letting you know I care about you. 

[Anjulie]

 I share the feeling of sanmagic7 that there might be grieving involved.
When I can't manage to get my basic things done, I am often grieving underneath, or completely exhausted because I am processing something really tricky. Or both.
Maybe this whole process about the people around you and establishing healthy borders is taking its toll?
I can imagine all the questions and spirals in you about that.
Sending you a hug

[Blueberry]

Thanks everybody! Your words and insights are hugely appreciated

I came on now to note my realisation: I've been in an EF-y state for a week or two. I can sort of function in EF-y states but everything goes all wonky and all that other stuff I wrote.

It could be due to grieving. The number of realisations and other things just below the surface... But some of it is probably due to me not doing my homework properly and then stopping altogether. That way I'm feeling really vulnerable.

This afternoon/evening I'm finally getting on with some basics before I go up to the farm for a couple of days. So that means I'm beginning to move out of it. Being on the farm will help me remain in a state of steps moving forward and getting ground back under my feet.

[Three Roses]

Supportive  to you if it's okay.

[Jazzy]

Sorry to hear you're having such a rough time of it, but it is good that you are getting some things done, and going to the farm, which will help.

Like you said, you have recently stopped medication. I think that is a difficult thing to deal with, all the chemical changes, withdrawal etc. It sounds like you are still working very hard to be productive and continuing to heal. I think you should be proud of yourself for that. It is a difficult time, of course not everything will go smoothly. Just hang in there until you adjust. I hope it comes soon for you.

Take care!