Is anyone's trauma a story too complex to tell, making it harder to get help?

[sj]

I completely relate to this and appreciate the responses.

This is part of the reason I don't write much online, because I just feel too overwhelmed and maybe still too unclear and confused myself about the complexity and insidious subtlety of all the damaging, mind/self-undermining elements of my life - all the components that have melded together to disable me so significantly.

This year I started attending a little group for memoir writing. Most of us are really there to try and process our lives and not necessarily overly focused on the end result or publishing. We recently had a class where we were trying to narrow in on a theme to help us focus our work and I was really struggling. I had read out a couple of pieces in previous months which gave others some insight, but in this more specific focus and feedback class I verbally provided a further range of examples of cruelty and weird abuse, in the context of a life of apparent privilege. Everyone was silent and looked quite shocked. Their responses were both validating and unsettling at the same time. The woman taking the class, who is now fully diagnosed and compensated for PTSD after workplace bullying, ended up spending some extra one-on-one time with me and said she had initially had no idea how complex my story was and she now understood why I was so overwhelmed by it. Not that there has ever been any pressure to produce anything, it's actually a really supportive and respectful little group.

Anyway, this is something I've been contemplating a lot, lately, partly because I've moved to a new area and slowly starting to become more socially active and I struggle to know the best ways to introduce myself and answer things as I get to know people better. But also because I want to get more feedback from more informed people to help reflect back to me what it is I've been through. I have been wondering it OOTF would be a better place to start describing some elements of my FOO's behaviour...... I would love to have more labels and terms of reference to help give some shape to what I've been dealing with so that I can no longer be 'wrestling ghosts', as I put it.

Otillie's distinction between more tangible abuse and what is just profoundly confusing mind-messing is a really helpful one for me. Though others of you have described things so well, too. It is comforting to feel less alone in the craziness and confusion of it all.

(edited to add - some of my coping mechanisms and presentation style from my parents' 'culture' (for want of a better term) mean that I can appear more together and functional than I am. I think this has made it more difficult to get adequate support because not only have I been unable to adequately explain my history and my experience, but my attempts to do so have been easily dismissed and minimised. As well as having people tune-out or think what I'm saying is too much because there are so many components, so again it seems to be easier for people to simplify and dismiss things. SOOO grateful for my current T. Finally found someone I can slowly unravel my story with who validates that what I'm saying is significant. But yeah - definitely makes getting support harder.)

[oddsunflower]

I can fully relate to this. My childhood was completely dysfunctional. I got into a bad relationship as a very young teen with an adult that started my sexual dysfunction and triggered memories of abuse as a young child by family members. I moved into another relationship with another adult (my mom was recently widowed and payed no attention to me) who stalked me and made me feel like I was crazy. I ended up pregnant and forced into marriage with him. He is an alcoholic/addict with personality disorder. He does not allow me to work, have friends, see family, etc...I have learned tools recently like grey rock method and detachment and boundaries that are helping me heal. When I have told my story to a therapist, I think they cannot believe me. Like all the pieces and parts of my story are just too much. But it is all real. And I hate telling people because I think they cannot believe it. It sounds like a bad b movie or some novel that is written out of order.
I even laugh sometimes when things start coming up in my mind....I know that is how I compartmentalize these memories. I wont try therapy again because it just triggers me more than ever. I prefer to come to these boards and see that I am not alone in my struggles and that other people are out there walking around thinking the things that I am thinking....

[Kizzie]

I think or at least hope as more of us come together here and in other groups we will develop the language to convey the complexity of the relational trauma we endured. 

Before I knew what I was dealing with I landed at our sister site Out of the FOG and it was the language that helped me to finally understand and talk about what I had gone through - covert NPD behaviour  -- which is absolutely crazy making and messes with your mind and heart. Having the words/ terms and a tribe of others who understood was so affirming  and in fact life saving. 

One term I would like to see used more is "relational trauma survivor" when referring to people who developed Complex PTSD as a result of ongoing exposure to abuse/neglect. Currently there isn't a term used to identify us a distinct group. Much like PTSD tends to be affiliated with military and first responders, IMO we need to become known as relational trauma survivors who suffer from Relational Trauma Response which is less stigmatizing and pathologizing and will make it clearer that: a) our trauma was inflicted by others; and b) we responded in a normal way to extreme stress and threats to the self. 

[Jazzy]

some of my coping mechanisms and presentation style from my parents' 'culture' (for want of a better term) mean that I can appear more together and functional than I am. I think this has made it more difficult to get adequate support because not only have I been unable to adequately explain my history and my experience, but my attempts to do so have been easily dismissed and minimised

I think this is a tremendous difficulty. So many of us survived by keeping up appearances, and we're really good at it. I think most people will never really know the struggles we go though, because we look like we're okay (sometimes at least). On top of this, with the long and complicated history, its not a simple thing to explain, so we often may not.

Its two things really working against us, and I wish there was some way to counter them. I'd love to hear any ideas if anyone has them.

[woodsgnome]

As many of the responses here hint, it is difficult to relate some, if not most, of our traumas which themselves often grow out of complex patterns to start with (e.g. parents' own trauma history, religious/spiritual abuse, vocational settings, etc.).

It's frustrating to want understanding, try in the best way we know how to explain, and feel flat and defeated afterward when it becomes obvious that we're all alone, yet again.

This has come close to the edge for me; where I no longer expect to find much understanding from others by way of them truly 'getting it'. So often it ends up with a bunch of sympathy in hopes nothing more will be said. I ran across a quote from Barbara Sher that I rather like in this regard: "It's time to stop being judged and stop judging yourself, and actually live the life you've wanted all along." Still a huge challenge, though, as the judgements became so internalized.


I  like the 'relational trauma' description, as it seems to travel closer to the core cause of what appears to many as stemming from some internal flaw of the trauma teller's personality -- you know, the 'blame the victim' mentality. That sort of reaction then feeds the already miserable feelings of guilt, which can then become a raging internal blaze that only seems to justify the notion that see, it's our own fault we're like this.

Perhaps being perfectly understood defies the odds anyway. Still, I'd gladly settle for some partial understanding to lessen the pain of being so alone. It becomes normal to feel that way, but it just doesn't feel right either.

[Silverspoon]

Well said woodsgnome.
Silverspoon

[theburningmonk]

@Silverspoon Thank you. I hope it's helpful.

[Errorzone]

I think it would be helpful to try to categorize you traumas by their source / the person who caused them. I recently started seeing a new therapist on-campus and presented him with a lengthy document concisely listing all the traumatic experiences in my life, in chronological order.

[suffersilence]

When i read those posts, I am saddened, not because of everyone's experience, but because of my own experience. i remember using escapism to escape my trauma daily,What I used was always withdrawing and shut myself up in my room, listen to music, read books for hours (during winter) and in the summer, I would just hop on my bike and go for a bike ride, of course maniacally, Every day I would try to surpass my max speed on my bike.  Later on in life I came to a realization that the bike ride was my way of hastening my mental blank because when I became older, i continue that practice but I would go to the gym to exercise after a bad day at work or a very stressful day at work. And I would cycle for half an hour, and lift weights for an hour. then I would feel better.

Anyway, i can understand what everyone go through as I also went through the same, Absent father, even though he was there, domineering Mother which I often experienced verbal anger and emotional outburst. and my growing up always afraid and trying my best to stay the "dutiful son" and keeping my emotion calm and my face stone-faced so that I will not experience more anger.

Anyway, Eventually I did finally manage to see a therapist, and she explained what I went through and subconsciously I would do things that was my own way of trying to set boundaries... IE: riding my bike for hours and hours, or keeping myself isolated and reading books, or in my older time of life, moving farther away from my FOO.

Anyway, just know that you aren't the only one who suffer, or has a lot to say that sometimes others can't understand.  We are all the same or has similar stories to experience, and probably provide some  support or a shoulder to lend for a hug.

S