The unfairness of it all

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holidayay

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The unfairness of it all
« on: August 31, 2019, 06:16:43 PM »
I don't understand.

I feel terrified and frustrated.
Its like the world reacts to me like the people in my childhood did regarding my needs: you're on your own.
Except at least as a child, there wasn't the expectation of having to pay rent, maintain a job, and find the money to help you survive.

I come online and its terrifying to read: 'this will take a lot of hard work to overcome' 'this will take many years' 'you need to do x, y and z'. Don't people understand that talking to a c-ptsd triggered person is talking to a small, wounded child? How can a small, wounded child be expected to take care of all these things?
And yes i know i need to take responsibility but I have nothing left to give. I see friends who don't have c-ptsd get an abundance of help and support. Financial, emotional, physical. Me with c-ptsd? None of that and when I'm feeling lower, even more is expected of me to take care of myself because 'i have to take responsibility'.
This is HORRIBLY unfair and i feel resentful and so upset about it.

I want a therapist but I can't find the time because i work full-time.
Therapists in my area I looked up are 80-100 an hour and I simply don't have that kind of money.
And when I look online, there are so many people who claim to have the answer to help heal, but I have to pay for this book or that book or that course or another course.

If I talk to my friends about it, no-one quite knows what to say.
It seems horribly devastatingly unfair that to be unfortunate enough to be born into a childhood like mine, means life will exponentially get harder.
It feels like no-one in society knows what to do with me.
I am so lonely and scared and feel like I am simply not worthy of or entitled to safety, security and love.
Because no matter how much a stranger who you are paying to see says it, or someone who wrote a book/developed a course repeats this, it comes down to: you are receiving money to say this whilst healthy people are entitled to it, free of charge, from those close to them.

And I have an exam on Tuesday. I can't handle all this right now. I'm sick of minimising, downplaying and ignoring.

I am upset, lonely and feel horrendous.
« Last Edit: September 01, 2019, 08:13:37 AM by holidayay »

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Jazzy

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Re: The unfairness of it all
« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2019, 11:25:50 PM »
Sorry you're feeling that way. I wish I had something more encouraging to say, but I agree with you completely about all of this.

Its good you have the option of talking to people online though. That has been far more beneficial to me, than anyone I've paid to say the right things. Which, if nothing else,  shows that other people feel the same, even if there are not many of us. 

I really hope you feel better soon. All the best with your exam; hopefully it goes well. Just do your best to keep working on yourself. I think that is the best we can really do.  Take care! :)

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Regret

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Re: The unfairness of it all
« Reply #2 on: September 01, 2019, 12:15:02 AM »
. . .  I agree with you completely about all of this.

. . . other people feel the same, even if there are not many of us. 

When I first read your post, I did not reply because I also agree but didn't know what to say. I think there are more of us out there than we think. Unraveling all of this at the end ones life leaves one in a lonely, unsupported place. Other than a spouse who for 20 years didn't know why I was the way I was until I understood it all myself (understanding and recovering are two different parts to this disorder) and am now a good person in her eyes, talking with my sister, long talks, only to discover she is worse off than I am but didn't know why until we compared life notes after our mother died (and she has gotten better help and is now off her 20 years of meds since we talked), with me not having enough years left to make therapy a reasonable  option and really, truly, not having a friend in the world, life can be a sad, lonely place filled with memories of what happened, why it happened, what could have been given a better childhood environment and the so many regrets over all that happened things I did that need not have happened. Yes, it is unfair but I find now knowing and going forward with that knowledge helps make life a better place to be, at times.

We are out there and we both understand and support you even if we can't put it into words. I also hope you feel better soon and hope you do well on your exam. Take care,

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Kizzie

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Re: The unfairness of it all
« Reply #3 on: September 01, 2019, 01:25:04 AM »
I agree, it is hard and unfair that CPTSD is the hand we were dealt holidayay  :grouphug: 

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Kizzie

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Re: The unfairness of it all
« Reply #4 on: September 01, 2019, 01:43:36 AM »
We do have a section with country specific resources you might want to have a look through.  There may be a group or organization you could join for some support, help you find resources, etc - https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=262.0

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Snowdrop

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Re: The unfairness of it all
« Reply #5 on: September 01, 2019, 05:52:49 AM »
I don't have many words at the moment, but I hear you, and you are worthy.

I'm in the UK, and I've found it difficult to get help. I've not been able to get NHS help, but they suggested that I contact charities or voluntary organisations because some of them may offer free therapy in areas related to some of my traumas. Also some T's work evenings, and may offer a sliding fee scale.

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holidayay

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Re: The unfairness of it all
« Reply #6 on: September 01, 2019, 08:35:03 AM »
Thanks everybody for replying.

I have so much empathy for each and every one of you who replied saying you feel the same. I'm sorry we are in this together, because I know how much pain that means you endured, but I am also very glad to have your understanding and support.

I really wish I could heal all of us. I wish I knew all the answers and I could just dole them out here, free of charge (no need to buy my book or course or online coaching sessions!).

I stand with you all!  :grouphug: Here's to another day of hope and optimism. I'm going to have a nice breakfast, then continue my revision.


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rebelsue

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Re: The unfairness of it all
« Reply #7 on: September 02, 2019, 07:33:42 AM »
just coming here to say I feel this, too. It is unfair and I feel sad about this exact thing every day. Here's to a better future and hope for all of us. I hope we figure it out...

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sanmagic7

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Re: The unfairness of it all
« Reply #8 on: September 02, 2019, 11:04:28 PM »
hollidayay, i hear you, i feel you, and i also wish i could heal us all.  wouldn't that be wonderful. 

as it is, we can only get by step after little step.  know that we are here with you, we get it, and we're all helping each other thru this.  sending love and many hugs   :grouphug:

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Rainagain

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Re: The unfairness of it all
« Reply #9 on: September 03, 2019, 07:14:06 AM »
I'm not sure about posting this but are others quite impacted by the idea of fairness? I know I am. I try to be fair but life, the world and others do not.
Having suffered I dont want to cause any harm to others and am keen to try to behave fairly. It's almost like a weakness, I live according to rules only I know about. But when others break this rule I get very jaded.

Sorry if this is taking this thread over, that would be unfair of me.......

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Kizzie

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Re: The unfairness of it all
« Reply #10 on: September 03, 2019, 01:03:03 PM »
Quote
Having suffered I dont want to cause any harm to others and am keen to try to behave fairly. It's almost like a weakness, I live according to rules only I know about. But when others break this rule I get very jaded.

Same here Rainagain, my tolerance for those who don't behave in a respectful, fair way towards me and/or others is very limited. I think after all we've been through that's not a bad thing.  :no:

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holidayay

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Re: The unfairness of it all
« Reply #11 on: September 03, 2019, 07:55:54 PM »
I'm not sure about posting this but are others quite impacted by the idea of fairness? I know I am. I try to be fair but life, the world and others do not.
Having suffered I dont want to cause any harm to others and am keen to try to behave fairly. It's almost like a weakness, I live according to rules only I know about. But when others break this rule I get very jaded.

Sorry if this is taking this thread over, that would be unfair of me.......

I feel exactly the same way.
A huge focus on fairness.

I did my exam today, in a nearby city which was beautiful. The day was really good, but ended on a really bad triggering note.
The girl who was travelling with me had several family members call her for support. Of course, I did not. On the way back, despite her living close by, another doctor from the same hospital who started at the same time as us, offered her a lift back. The girl I'd spent the day with asked me how I was getting home and I said 'bus'.  She said 'ok bye'. The other doctor texted ME to tell the girl to call her, as she wasn't answering her phone.

Would it really have hurt them so badly just to ask if i wanted a lift home too?
What is it about me that just doesn't seem to warrant any offer of support ever?

This girl is a prime example of abundance of support thrown at her. Her phone wouldn't stop buzzing before and after and the exam with people calling to offer support, and ask how it went. I got a grand total of zero calls.
And then she gets offered a lift home whilst I waited ages for 2 buses, 1 delayed and got home 2.5 hours later when it would have taken about 10 minutes to drive.

And this girl mentioned they had been out for dinner and enjoyed exploring the new city. I asked her why she hadn't asked me to come along before i knew what i was saying. She said something about 'oh, it was a quick decision after shift ended'.
Right.

There's always a reason and excuse why I should never be allowed out of my lonely, exhausting lifestyle of : its just you and no-one cares.

I'm so upset at this, i just don't understand why they couldn't have offered me a lift home too, I live less than a few minutes away and its on the way to the area where the girl with the car lives.

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sanmagic7

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Re: The unfairness of it all
« Reply #12 on: September 04, 2019, 01:57:14 PM »
that whole scenario sucks, holidayay.  i agree w/ the others that unfairness runs rampant, and it's horrible.  sorry you had that experience.  it's also including a lot of thoughtless behavior and attitudes.  shrug your shoulders and walk away.  bloooey!  sending love and a hug full of fair your way - i hope you get to experience some soon.   :hug:

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holidayay

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Re: The unfairness of it all
« Reply #13 on: September 04, 2019, 05:36:16 PM »
A little update - I broke today at work and enough was enough.

I rang my occupational health department, I spoke to my consultant, and I made a emergency appointment with my GP on the advice of my occupational health.

...and, well, they were all wonderfully kind and understanding and supportive. Even the receptionists at the GP practice got a side room for me, came and sat with me and hugged me. I cried maybe 20 times throughout the day.

They've all done things to get the ball rolling. I'm seeing an occupational health doctor, my GP is getting me in touch with psych team, and my consultant gave me the afternoon off and said they are here to help however they can.

I'm just relieved these were the responses I got...I had a deep fear that any invalidating responses would be the absolute end of me and thankfully I haven't had to face that, as I did with family far too many times.

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Snowdrop

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Re: The unfairness of it all
« Reply #14 on: September 04, 2019, 05:56:06 PM »
Oh no, I'm sorry that happened, but well done for contacting OH, your GP and speaking to your consultant. That's a big step, and I'm so pleased that they supported you in that way.

Sending you supportive hugs and a cup of tea.  :hug:
« Last Edit: September 04, 2019, 07:02:32 PM by Snowdrop »