Grad school, last mile, can't keep running but I need to. Help?

[rebelsue]

Hi. I am new here. I'm 3 months away from finishing my Masters and earlier this year is when I had my epiphany about my abuse/c-PTSD story. Prior to that I was blaming it on all kinds of mental illnesses that never quite fit right.

For some reason, these last 3 months have been agonizing. I was actually surviving for the last 2 years, despite repeated mental breakdowns. I still got work done, got good grades, set myself up for a relatively easy finish. But my brain is trashing all of that hard work in the last three months. I am starting to actually fall behind and it's scaring me.

I am so depressed everyday. I have a paper that I'm trying to write up and publish which will be part of my thesis. I can't work on it. I've been trying to for the last week, and every day I give up. I scroll through Google Scholar, not even sure what I'm looking for. I wrote up the methods and results but the Discussion section is killing me. I don't even know what to say about my results. I feel like I don't care, and what is sad is that this is a subject I really care about.

I don't know what to do to  get over this hump and finish. I'm not someone who usually struggles with writing. I am not even someone who struggles with working hard. The PTSD and the imminent freedom on the other side of this is too tempting to focus on - I keep dreaming about my new life after grad school where I don't achieve anymore, and I reject my parents, and I choose my own life. This grad school thing is a remnant from my abusive life. I just want it to be over. I keep thinking about quitting but I'm so close to the end.

How do I run this last mile? How do I ignore the depression to get this thing done?

[Kizzie]

Getting through that last part of grad school is so intense and demanding.  It's difficult for anyone never mind having CPTSD to contend with on top of all of that. The stress of finishing may be bringing much more of your trauma to the surface and that can eat up a lot of energy.

Do you have a therapist you can talk to about this?  If not, your institution may have MH counselors avail who are used to working with students who have depression & anxiety albeit perhaps not trauma. It might help to relieve some of the depression.  Also, it may be that your uni/college has options for taking a break or extending your time to finish up which could help take the pressure off until you're in a better place.

If you think you do want to finish up is your supervisor someone you would be comfortable sharing that you're struggling?  They may help you to focus in on your discussion section.  Barring that is there another grad student you like/trust you could bounce ideas off just to get the discussion section flowing and done?

Just some thoughts I hope are helpful Sue, it's a tough place to be in I know 

[Three Roses]

I don't have any other insights to add, rebelsue, but wanted to give you a hearty welcome to the forum! 

[rebelsue]

Kizzie, I so wish I could go to therapy. It just does not seem to help me. I went through three therapists this year alone. One of them called the police on me because I mentioned suicide -- I was not in danger of acting on it in that moment but she was not trained to handle me. Unfortunately I thought she was - she was an EMDR provider. But I think she actually just did not like from the get-go. I saw someone before her who was really sweet but said she didn't know if she could help me further since I'd been doing therapy for so long. 20 years and counting. I saw another woman before her who was actually an eating disorder specialist and blamed my husband for everything, even though I met him decades after the trauma happened. It's just a mess. I actually have decided to take an extended break from therapists until I figure out what I want.

My school doesn't really have anyone that wanted to take my case. It was too complex. They are equipped mainly to deal with 20-somethings who are homesick, anxious, or dealing with relationship drama. My story is orders of magnitude more complicated. I am also an older student, living away from my husband. That's part of what makes this hard. My attempt at solving my repeated mental breakdowns and stagnation was to come home for a month to write - which is where I am now. But in a week I need to go back to school and finish up my thesis and experiments -- all by Thanksgiving if I want to graduate this fall.

I think I'll be okay. I'll survive this like I have everything else, even if it means delaying graduation. I posted on here hoping that maybe there'd be something new, but there never is. It's not your fault. I am grateful that you responded.

Sometimes the answer is to just keep on trucking.

[Snowdrop]

This is just a thought which you are free to ignore, but is it possible that you're finding this last part so hard because of what it represents? You described grad school as a remnant of your old life, and that made me wonder.

[rebelsue]

Most definitely it is.

My abusive parents were very sneaky with their abuse. Only now my attempts to write my life story in a journal have revealed their abuse. A great deal of that abuse (the rest was physical) was related to pushing me academically and career-wise even though it was beyond what I could achieve, and filling my head with ideas about  what a person's worth is defined by. Both of them were highly insecure about their own careers and I heard all my life about how 1) they are awesome 2) everyone else fails to see that fact and 3) if you're not in a prestigious job making 6 figures, your life is a failure.

My brother survived by totally rejecting everything they stood for and thus got into a lot of trouble as a kid, barely passed high school, and eventually joined the military. He is hanging on, but still very very anxious and in denial.

I dealt with this pressure by pushing myself to achieve at all costs, even at the expense of my health, which they gave me a hard time for, too. It's one thing to abuse your child. Its another thing to keep abusing them into adulthood. It's quite another to do that while they are dealing with a serious illness.

I really hate them, and I hate the university environment because it reminds me of all of that. I figured out only 8  months ago that I actually was sick of universities, didn't really need a PhD, and didn't even want to climb this ladder anymore. I "downgraded" (this is the language that they put in my head) to a Masters degree. It was how I chose to get out and still get something for the 2 years of work I invested. I don't have the courage to walk away this close to the end. Yet I'm going insane being there. When I graduate and return home, my plan is to basically start a greenhouse and grow all the food for myself and my husband as my full time job. We don't have kids and this is the most stay-at-home-wifey thing I could think of that still made me feel valuable but wasn't a "career" that I had to climb. I will probably still do side projects for money - I have some entrepreneurial things going. But they are online so I don't have to physically see anybody but my husband and cats if I don't want to. I think it will be wonderful to be in this space...it's only 3 months away. I need to get off the insane-train that my life has been and just hide out for at least a few years to get all the abusive voices out of my head.

Sorry that was so long. In short, yes, you are correct. LOL

[Snowdrop]

I can really relate to being so pushed. If I got, say, 99% in a subject, I'd always be asked what happened to the other 1%. 

I wonder if part of you is rebelling against the idea of finishing as it feels as though you'd be doing it for them, not you. Another problem I sometimes have is a hesitation about finishing a project as it will never be good enough. Maybe there's an aspect of that? Either may make working on your Masters harder as it would feel as though it was about them not you.

I have a few suggestions which may or may not help.

Remember that your Masters is 100% for you and not for them.

I can sometimes get myself over a hump by minimising the hump, and telling myself it's not that important. If I can convince myself that the impossible thing isn't at the end, I'm more able to tackle it.

Another thing that can sometimes work for me is to come at it more obliquely. Instead of writing what I'm supposed to be writing, I'll explicitly write that I don't want to do it, and why. After a few sentences, I might be able to draw in elements of whatever it is I don't want to write about but in a rough, imprecise way. For me, the roughness is important as it's about rebelling and making it mine. After a bit, I may then be able to write about it properly, but I may need to sleep on it.

You can do this!  For you, not them.

[Kizzie]

I think I'll be okay. I'll survive this like I have everything else, even if it means delaying graduation.

All the best 

[sanmagic7]

welcome, rebelsue,

i agree w/ snowdrop that if you can re-frame the accomplishment of getting your master's degree for you, not for anyone else (family, academia, whatever), then it might be possible that such a focus can be motivational in helping you thru the mire and into the freedom of a personal achievement.  if it's something you really don't want to do, don't want to finish, there's no shame in that.  the entire c-ptsd spectrum is extremely personal and individual, and we repeatedly say here that you are your own first priority.  do what's best for you.

if it's something that you might want to finish in the future, you can always go back.  i was one of those who went back to school and got my master's in my 40's - it is a whole different ballgame.  it's your ballgame, tho, and you can hit away, bunt, or take a pitch.  no judgment here.

i love the idea that you're thinking of gardening as a means to self-sufficiency for you and your husband.  i'm a gardener, and getting my hands dirty, putting a seed in the dirt and watching it grow to fruition is one of the most grounding and exciting aspects of life as i know it. 

the decision is yours, and yours alone.  whichever way you want to move on this is ok.  hope to hear what you decide, but please know that you can't do it wrong.  sending love and a hug, if you want.   

[Not Alone]

the decision is yours, and yours alone.  whichever way you want to move on this is ok.  hope to hear what you decide, but please know that you can't do it wrong.  sending love and a hug, if you want.   

I don't have anything to add to the wisdom the others have shared with you, but hear the intense struggle you are experiencing.

[rebelsue]

if it's something that you might want to finish in the future, you can always go back.  i was one of those who went back to school and got my master's in my 40's - it is a whole different ballgame.  it's your ballgame, tho, and you can hit away, bunt, or take a pitch.  no judgment here.

i love the idea that you're thinking of gardening as a means to self-sufficiency for you and your husband.  i'm a gardener, and getting my hands dirty, putting a seed in the dirt and watching it grow to fruition is one of the most grounding and exciting aspects of life as i know it. 

Regarding your first comment - I am already 38, so I am sure I won't go back. I have learned a very hard lesson from basically attempting to earn degrees for my entire adult life when I wasn't in a hospital. Sometimes it really is over, and you can chase after school forever if you let yourself. I think my obsession with school is part of my unhealthiness, so this is kinda the response I give whenever someone tells me I can "always go back." I definitely will not. I will always learn, and I am open to doing research again. But classes, advisors, tests, grades, requirements -- nope.

For your second comment, I think growing plants will help me a lot with self satisfaction.

[sanmagic7]

i get it.  when i went back, for both my b.a. and masters, i knew when i finished my b.a. that if i didn't get into a masters program right away, that would be the end of it for me.  i mean, technically, the possibility is there, but in my heart i just knew that i wouldn't be able to do it.  on the other hand, many years since then, i have entertained the idea of getting a doctorate online at some point.  i couldn't do it then, but as i've been recovering my strength and stamina (and getting my mind to work a bit more than it has been) it now seems to be a possibility.  so, i'll just go by the credo - never say never.

i hope you can finish on your own terms.  i've gone to college in 3 different states as i moved around while i was younger, so i know that obsession w/ learning and school.  i've learned quite a few things out of school as well.  i have no doubt you'll figure out what's best for you, and want you to know i support you whatever your decision.  this is for you, and you're the best judge of all that.  sending love and hugs full of learning.