Recovery pressure

[Rainagain]

Can I ask for any comments on the following thought please?

In my situation trying to recover is actually a bit of a burden, I have well diagnosed issues and have not been helped much by talk therapies and various meds.

My psychiatric prognosis is that I will always be like I am now, my issues are substantial and of long standing.

Just getting along and minimising my distress is my goal, I think I gave up the idea of recovery a while back. But maybe that giving up is acceptance which is part of recovery?

I dont know what I'm saying here, maybe I'm asking if it is ok to aim low, forget about total success and just hope for mild improvements, or even just not getting any worse?

[woodsgnome]

For me, it seems that the trouble with recovery is that it can place expectations around what it should look like and/or specific steps that will get one there. For some, that approach is fine; for others not so much or not at all.

Not regarding recovery as some grand cure-all destination but as more of a process seems to cut the expectations down. Plus just staying alert to all possible approaches -- the positive side of hyper-vigilance -- has helped. But it also seems wise to stay grounded, which helps lessen the anxiety of always searching.

Sometimes being okay with paradox, surprises, and even contradictions has helped me deal better (if not completely) with certain symptoms and situations.

Being open means one can change their mind, too; perhaps change is actually a less stress-prone word anyway. It's all still hard work, but 'easier' without the pressure of black/white one-size-fits-all prescriptions for finding one's peace.

Whatever marks one's journey, how one finds recovery (or change) can differ for each person -- some like structures like certain therapies more; while other people find it more manageable without formal modes of any sort. I've used a mix, sometimes too much so -- that's where the grounding comes in to bring me back to the core question -- what does my heart really want.

[Three Roses]

For me, it seems that the trouble with recovery is that it can place expectations around what it should look like....

I totally agree with Woodsgnome here. Recovery is highly individual.

These days I'm looking forward. I'm focusing on just being the best "me" I can be. This changes from day to day - some days I do better than others.

Others may call it aiming low (and by others I mean those who don't have cptsd), but I will call it "acceptance". I accept that I am different than I would have been without all the abuse. But this is not to say I'm different in completely negative ways. People who've undergone interpersonal trauma have a depth of understanding, compassion and insight that may not exist in the general population.

I'm rooting for you, Rainagain. Hang in there. 

[Jazzy]

Just getting along and minimising my distress is my goal, I think I gave up the idea of recovery a while back. But maybe that giving up is acceptance which is part of recovery?

I really feel this. For a long time the only thing I cared about was to stop feeling like I was going through *. They asked us what "recovery" meant at one of my group therapy sessions, and I was the only one to get it wrong, so I'm no expert... but if you're feeling burdened about recovery, maybe you should try to think of it differently.

I agree with the others. It is your life, and it is totally up to you about what you want to work on. If you're at a place where you just want tomorrow to feel a bit better today, then that is a totally fine goal, and I think worrying about anything more will only hinder you. It is your journey, go to where you feel is right.

Take care!

[sj]

hi Rainagain

I've been contemplating some very similar things in recent times.

I told my T in our last session that I feel like I've hit a kind of wall where I see how messed up the world is, how upsetting it is to me, but also how ridiculous it seems for me to keep trying to jump through endless hoops to be more 'functional', and I don't know how to bring myself to try anymore ... I suddenly feel like I'm worn out from trying to carry the burden of responsibility of a broken world - little old me is not the problem!!!
My T completely supported my insight and feelings on this.

I really am finding it impossible to strive for improvement and recovery - and questioning what those even mean. I'm so utterly exhausted and tired of it all! (different from ever before). It seems that's been my whole life and I'm still on disability, mostly house-bound and triggered by so many things. Yes I feel there has been growth and learning that have improved some quality of life - and I'm so grateful for those - but not anywhere near as much as I would have hoped or expected given the enormous degree of effort I seem to have invested over so long. So, yeah - I feel I've hit a wall with 'Why am I trying so hard?' Is it futile and is it maybe even me getting in my own way? I just seem to need to try and shut my mind off from a whole heap of stuff, now, and keep my focus on really small, focussed tasks and goals like doing knitting, or gardening or photography or attend selected, safe-seeming music or arts based social activities, but all only as I am able, with as little pressure from my IC as possible. I focus on the things that are creatively productive and/or pleasurable as much as possible, because I am so tired of feeling horrible and useless. But if I feel like I'm trying to do them because it is the work I need to do for recovery, then I find I just can't do it. I just can't try anymore.

My thoughts might be a bit different to yours, but like Jazzy, I really related to what you said:

Just getting along and minimising my distress is my goal, I think I gave up the idea of recovery a while back. But maybe that giving up is acceptance which is part of recovery?

I dont know what I'm saying here, maybe I'm asking if it is ok to aim low, forget about total success and just hope for mild improvements, or even just not getting any worse?

What you and 3R said about acceptance makes sense to me. Liked what Woodsnome said about expectations, too.

I actually feel a bit like my recent sense of 'giving up' might actually be a bit of a breakthrough. I feel that 'aiming high' is me buying into goals that might not even be my own and that prioritising 'distress minimisation' is really enough, anything else that seems doable is a bonus, but if I have to work too hard to 'succeed' then I haven't got it in me anymore. I have doubts about this attitude, but as I said - it feels like it might be a breakthrough for me - that there's something new and freeing in how I am relating to my need for healing 'progress'.

Hope my ramble's a bit relevant. Still not sure of all this myself, but what you have raised feels a bit familiar.
Take care

[Rainagain]

Thank you so much for these thoughtful replies.
The strength of this forum to me is around our common experience, if I post about a strange symptom or (as in this case) about some idea I am considering as a possible insight it is so helpful to hear from others who know exactly what I'm talking about.
I am quite far from 'normal' and am very isolated so being in touch with people who understand is pretty amazing really.
Thank you.
Maybe what I was talking about isnt just acceptance but is also a new template for how to carry on with minimal further distress.
The rules of normal life have sort of exploded in my face, I need my own new system of thought, a new framework.
Some of the new rules are to keep distress to a minimum, stay safe, dont over reach and fail, just to stabilise myself and my new place in the world.
Maybe that is recovery, maybe I've not thought enough about what recovery means.
I will not recover like I would from a minor physical injury or flu, the body tends to bring you back to the same condition you were in before those minor events.
A recovery for me will bring me to a place different from where I was initially, somewhere I've not been before, maybe I'm well on the way to this new place, hard to know as there is no map.
Recovery implies a return to a prior state, I think that is why I struggle with the word, there is no going back so recovery needs a new personal definition for me as an individual, it should mean something I can actually achieve or it is just another barrier and cause of distress.
SJ, breaking things down to what can be achieved seems like a vital approach to take.
Small successes accrue over time to bring larger benefit, just as repeated failure or trauma accrue over time to bring larger harm.

[Rainagain]

Sorry to add to a post that is over long already.

Another thought.

We have all experienced a personal version of *, maybe recovery is simply reaching a place that is just 'not *'.

No need to strive for a magical place of joy unbounded, 'not *' is good enough for me.

By that definition I am doing great. Hurrah for me. Hurrah for all of us, we rock.

[woodsgnome]

Thanks for those insights, Rainagain.

No need to apologize for this thread's length, though ... sometimes topics have room for expanded thoughts, and when they're spoken with heart the commentary can't always be quantified or limited (within reason, another tricky word for all of us).

I have nothing to add in substance. Just an appreciation for your well-stated testimony to what it takes for those of us on this journey we're all so hurt and confused by -- especially how it has to be so individual and not necessarily 'normal' to make what feels like headway/progress (or escape or change or what have you).