SaB's 2nd journal

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sanmagic7

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Re: SaB's 2nd journal
« Reply #105 on: November 01, 2020, 11:07:32 PM »
hey, s&b,

i lived a good part of my life feeling floaty.  at the time, i didn't think much of it, just that's how i was.  but, what you wrote about feeling disconnected, yep.  that's exactly what it was.  i just floated from one thing to another, took whatever came, then floated on.  and, i can totally see what you're saying about holding onto things you know.  i just had a similar experience in therapy - letting go of a big piece of my survival mechanisms was way too frightening.  right now it's best to hang onto it, maybe tackle it in very small pieces.

may i just say that the parts that have helped us survive, are, to me, the most difficult to let go of.  i think, when you're ready, you'll be able to find a piece that's the least disturbing, and afterwards see how you're doing without it.  take it back if you need to.  your pace is the most important for you. sending love and a hug filled with encouragement and understanding. :hug:


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SharpAndBlunt

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Re: SaB's 2nd journal
« Reply #106 on: November 02, 2020, 08:40:03 AM »
Thank you sanmagic, I feel very loved and seen reading what you have written here. I'm relieved that you recognise my feeling about parts being hard to let go of, the ones we must, eventually. Pace is very important, to be safe. I do feel less floaty this morning, and ready to face the day  :hug:

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SharpAndBlunt

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Re: SaB's 2nd journal
« Reply #107 on: November 04, 2020, 03:45:21 AM »
I wanted to record the image of the dream I had before it fades. I thought about writing it down, but I realise I will never read it again. So I want to post it here, so that I may come back to it at some point.

Trigger Warning -- description of drug use, suicide, neglect

I was visiting my f's house, though in the dream I still lived there, I was also visiting. This is the way of dreams. The house was enormous in some scenes and tiny and cluttered in others, though it was always recognisably his house, the house where I grew up.

In some scenes the house was big and empty, but mostly it was small and cluttered. In the dream, I had previously broken into the house of a drug dealer I used to use and planted a bottle of liquer. I couldn't work out in the dream why I did that, it was on some impulse. It's still not clear to me what that part means. Maybe it just serves as a kind of device for the next part.

The dealer took it upon himself to continue this strange ritual by depositing illegal drugs in my house, in a place where I feared they may be found. The drugs were in a matchbox under a bed and the matchbox had a strange patter on it. For some reason, there was also a 'best wishes' type greeting card on a dresser, that had exactly the same pattern and every time I saw it I was triggered into fear that the drug would be discovered and I would be liable for it. That part of the dream was never really resolved, but the fear of being outed as a drug user to my parents was shameful. The fear of the shame they would put in to me if they found out was and is overwhelming.

The next thing was, there was a cluttered area of the house that I was responsible for cleaning. I think it was my bedroom. But it was full of old clothes (not mine) and stuff I did not want to deal with. I really did not want to deal with.

In the dream I came to realise that I was terrified that I had wrapped up the body of an old woman and kept it underneath all of this stuff. In the dream, I wasn't sure whether I had or not, but I didn't have the confidence to look. So I just wanted to leave the stuff as it was. I knew at some point, even if it was when my f. died, that all the stuff would be cleared out and whatever was there, if anything, would be found, so I knew there was no escape from it but I really didn't want to 'tidy up'.

My f., in the dream, was patient to the point of being infuriating and he expected me to do it. I didn't feel responsible for it because it wasn't my stuff, plus there was the possibility that I had murdered someone and hid the body underneath. This was a strange notion, because I had no memory of doing so, but nonetheless I was convinced.

That part over, time moved to another occasion I was visiting. I think I had left the house by then, by which I mean I wasn't living there. None of the clutter had been dealt with. There was old stuff everywhere. The house had expanded but was very delapitated. The dealer had obviously known I was coming and had left clues out that seemed to suggest he was playing with me and enjoyed knowing I was afraid of being found out.

The house had expanded, much bigger than it was irl, but was open to the elements and had obviously been used as a kind of doss house for various types of people. Doors were hanging off etc, there were holes in the walls and celiing. I walked into the bedroom of my f. and it was filthy, there were cooking utensils everywhere, all used and filthy. My f. was quite a tidy person irl so that was shocking.

I realised he was in this room and he was lying on the ground, but in a kind of fit, and obviously dying. I rushed over and hugged him and said unconciously 'I love you so much' and he held me and said 'Talk to me about father and son stuff'. We never got anything like this close irl. He had openend up and the distance between us had gone. The abandonment we both felt and pushed on each other also had disappeared. The issue about the 'body' didn't seem to be an issue anymore.

I didn't mention some street fighting that I had to go through in between entering and leaving my f's house, from locals where I grew up, some associated with the dealer, some not. Apart from that, the dream ended there. It was sad to see the house in that state. The ongoing thing with the dealer wasn't really resolved or explained to me, neither was the fighting.

The mess seems to suggest emotional messes that were never cleaned up. The body of the old woman I take to mean my m, who after a long illness committed a suicide attempt, when I was looking after her. That part happened irl. It was never discussed and I guess I have felt culpable all this time. She did die a few days later. I was never able to broach the subject of my m with my f, either her last action, or the years of mental instability she exhibited. I tried but I could never be allowed to talk about any of that. I take this making up to be a sign of me coming to terms with that, with healing.

The fighting outdoors may well have been a sign that the parents were trying to protect me (and my siblings) from an outside world they knew to be hard, and that would harm us if we gave it the chance.

This was the most coherent dream I have had in years, both in content and in relateability. I wanted to record it before it goes, because I don't want to lose the meaning I have ascribed to it. I don't believe in ghosts but I do enjoy ghost stories, because they often deal with redemption, and / or forgiveness.

It is almost 4 am and I don't want to distract myself with the news, because there is a certain election on and I don't want to have to think about it. I am condsidering putting a post in the 'Checking out' section, but I won't just yet. I might need some time to process where I am and where cptsd lies on my recovery and if it is now my main focus. I am not ready yet to declare that it is not a problem. I think I have other issues around addiction and avoidance but they might be comorbid. This might not be a step but just a shifting. So I think I will leave that for now but will think about it in the coming days. I also know that if I check out I will miss people here. I don't know if that is a good enough reason to stay. (A healthy enough reason, I mean). I also will think about that.

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SharpAndBlunt

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Re: SaB's 2nd journal
« Reply #108 on: November 05, 2020, 08:25:54 AM »
Adrenalisation is what has been against me for my life. Not having a space to be safe and to be slow.

That is fading. I don't know that it won't come back, but it's getting less. Consequently I am able to better be with bad feelings. Bad feelings + adrenalisation = not good.

Hopeful that this is a healing step. It feels like it, but I'm not taking it for granted.

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Blueberry

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Re: SaB's 2nd journal
« Reply #109 on: November 05, 2020, 11:28:39 AM »
That sounds like a healing step to me SaB! I find that even when I take a step forward and then a step or two backward the original forwards step isn't gone. It may be temporarily over-written or hidden or something, but the progress having been made once, it's easier to access it again and continue. I hope it's that way for you too.

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SharpAndBlunt

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Re: SaB's 2nd journal
« Reply #110 on: November 05, 2020, 05:31:18 PM »
Thank you, Blueberry! I like this feeling of progress, that something has been achieved. Even if it doesn't last, I do mean to hold on to the memory of it working, as you suggest, and it should be easier to regain. That is the theory in any case :)

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SharpAndBlunt

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Re: SaB's 2nd journal
« Reply #111 on: November 17, 2020, 06:54:13 PM »
Today I feel lost in time. I read some of my journal, and the me who wrote it seems far away. Some of the things I wrote in November, for example, feels a lifetime ago. I feel like it was a different person.

I know at heart that I don't give myself credit for things. when I feel this small and attacked then there is only one place the attacks come from and that's inside me. Feeling small and attacked can be a sign of an EF? I don't know, I just want to fight or flight, and not acknoweldge any of it.

One other thing that I am terrified of. I've been thinking a lot about NPD. I know that NPD can be caused by bad parenting. I am terrified that I am NPD, that all of this 'healing' is just another way of getting 'attention'. So, what's the answer? To abandon myself and abandon my feelings, because they don't exist or matter. Wanting to heal = being 'spoiled'. I really wish I could swear right now  :stars: My problems in relationships, do they mean that I am the problem? I am scared to death of this. I know there are places to discuss NPD, for example, OOTF, and while I know that my parents were disturbed and dysfunctional and imperfect, I worry that it is ME who is the N. I want to try to find a safe place to explore that topic, I don't think I have yet. It scares me and bothers me and again, it is the 'me' focus that turns my mind to NPD. However, I know that abandoning myself because I 'shouldn't spend so much time on me' is also dysfunctional behaviour and doesn't help me. I feel really stuck in a small place becasue of this right now.

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SharpAndBlunt

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Re: SaB's 2nd journal
« Reply #112 on: November 19, 2020, 08:31:46 AM »
I want to be kind to myself. I don't have to do this anymore. Cutting out anything good in my life because it threatens my sense of safety. I resist love where it threatens to overwhelm me. I look for meanings to a level that is not necessary. It doesn't mean I'm bad. I maybe am a bit broken. If I can allow all the horrible things to be, outside of me, I don't have to carry them inside. This is contrary to my conditioning. I'm healing and it is frightening.

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Snowdrop

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Re: SaB's 2nd journal
« Reply #113 on: November 19, 2020, 08:58:15 AM »
Quote
I worry that it is ME who is the N.

I've often read that N's never see themselves as the problem. The fact that you worry about being a N tells me that you're not.

Quote
I'm healing and it is frightening.

Healing is change, and change can be frightening. But the healing is worth it. I love that you're healing, and you want to be kind to yourself. :hug:

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SharpAndBlunt

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Re: SaB's 2nd journal
« Reply #114 on: November 19, 2020, 05:44:00 PM »
Thank you, Snowdrop, it is good to hear about the N. Here is to healing and being kind!  :grouphug:

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Hope67

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Re: SaB's 2nd journal
« Reply #115 on: November 20, 2020, 07:36:42 PM »


 while I know that my parents were disturbed and dysfunctional and imperfect, I worry that it is ME who is the N. I want to try to find a safe place to explore that topic, I don't think I have yet. It scares me and bothers me and again, it is the 'me' focus that turns my mind to NPD. However, I know that abandoning myself because I 'shouldn't spend so much time on me' is also dysfunctional behaviour and doesn't help me. I feel really stuck in a small place becasue of this right now.

Hi SaB,
I relate to what you said here, I also fear sometimes that I might have a narcissistic part of me, due to the parenting I had from my parents - who I feel were dysfuntional.  I've not felt brave enough to say it though - and I think you are brave to have voiced that here - I think I did mention it briefly once at some point, and I remember someone saying that Narcissists don't tend to worry about their behaviour so much, and therefore it's unlikely to be the case that if you're worrying about it, that you aren't likely to be N

I'm sorry - I feel like I'm tangling myself up with my words - I hope you'll disregard anything that seems strange that I've written. 

You mentioned that you're healing, and that it is frightening. 

I've just at this moment seen what Snowdrop said to you - and that was exactly what I was trying to say (when I tangled myself up with words above) - i.e. N's never see themselves as the problem, and the fact you worry about being a N means you're not.

It's good to see that written there - that's what I meant too.  That reassures me as well.

I hope you're reassured by it as well - take care, and here's a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

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SharpAndBlunt

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Re: SaB's 2nd journal
« Reply #116 on: November 21, 2020, 11:53:32 AM »
Hi Hope,

Thank you so much, for reading my journal, and responing kindly to it too.

I like that you felt I was brave for posting that part that I did. I was very scared at the time and felt tiny. I am learning that when I feel like that there might be a strong emotion at play. Posting here feels safe, but I must admit that I was very worried when I wrote that that I may be 'exposing' myself as a bad person.

I am really re-assured by your words and by Snowdrop's. I have heard it say that a small measure of narcicissm is healthy and normal, it is only when it becomes a prime part of a person's personality that it becomes problematic. I agree with that in theory, it is just harder to incorporate all these things. Without wanting to go too deep (i feel my words getting tangled now too!),  I am starting to recognise 'parts' of myself. I have heard people talk about their parts, indeed Hope, your journal title references those, and I have longed I think in some way, to feel what those words mean. IN other words, I have not really experience 'parts' of myself. But I think that all my journal entries, and some of my posts, are indeed ways that I have been processing this, maybe not conciously but on a level of thought that I can't easily access from 'myself'. I know it sounds a bit weird, but I do really feel that there's 'me' and there's another me. One who is processing and thinking, and another who is doing the day to day stuff and taking care of work, eating, sleeping, warmth etc.  I want to connect those people together. I guess that they are my parts, at least for today.

Take care, I don't know if you will want to read the above as it is quite a big paragraph of thoughts. It is fine to leave it  :)

 :grouphug:

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Hope67

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Re: SaB's 2nd journal
« Reply #117 on: November 21, 2020, 02:15:34 PM »
Hi SaB,
Yes, I wanted to read what you wrote, and I did.  I really find it helpful that you said that you've heard it said that a small measure of narcicissm is healthy and normal - I think I can tolerate that in myself, as I had previously worried about it too.

 :grouphug:
Hope  :)

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woodsgnome

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Re: SaB's 2nd journal
« Reply #118 on: November 22, 2020, 04:22:58 PM »
SaB, I also was intrigued with your comments regarding 'some' narcissism. I grew up being affected by a huge number of n's both at home and private schools. To the extent that I vowed never/ever to be anything like I found them.

Trouble is it seems, as you indicated, perhaps some n traits aren't wholly bad; it's the extremes that become problematic, as it did when I was trapped in the nest of n's. But now I have probs appreciating good stuff about myself, as I still fear falling in to that foreboding narc pattern. My T especially has tried to steer me around those snags but it's slow, driven by fear as it is. This I feel has also contributed to my tendency towards seeming like an easy push-over to others; because I'm running so hard from anything resembling narcissism.

I hesitate to bop into your journal this way, but I also sensed a feeling you weren't getting through. Communicating these things is always rough, but I want you to know your voice has come through here, and I appreciate your insights in this regard as well as in other ways. Thank you.  :hug:

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sanmagic7

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Re: SaB's 2nd journal
« Reply #119 on: November 22, 2020, 05:27:51 PM »
hey, s&b, - i've gotten behind on journals, but want you to know i'm still here for you, still care about you a lot.

i agree with the others, that we all have some narcissistic traits, but, NPD means Narc Personality Disorder, which is a whole different ball game.  for those people, and, as someone mentioned, they are not the people who question whether or not they're narcs, narcissism makes up the very core of who they are. i, too, have been surrounded by npd's, and altho one of them was an actual therapist, while others have been in therapy, some for much of their lives, they, none of them, have ever questioned or admitted to something being out of sorts with them in their being.  lies and deceit and manipulation are their mainstay, rather than questioning their own selves.

it struck me when you wrote about how you push away positive things for yourself.  i truly think it may be because you haven't had a lot of practice having positive things, people, gestures, words, etc. in your life.  it's difficult to trust something we don't have a lot, if any, exposure to on a regular basis, so feeling scared of it makes a lot of sense to me.  do you find it difficult to allow the caring and support into you that you find from people here on the forum?  could that be part of a reason to check out from here?  no pressure, and you don't have to answer. those questions just popped into my head, so i thought i'd write them down.

i think you're doing a lot of good for yourself, questioning, wondering, writing down your thoughts and feelings, allowing others to share them with you, and just being part of our lives.  thank you for that.  we are all in this together.  sending love and a hug filled with compassion for your struggles.  i know what that's like. :hug: