Again I'm awake at 4am. This has really become a habit, one I don't have any control over, yet.
Feel like I need help to bring my emotional and rational sides together. The difference from before is that now I feel I can do this. The emotional side of me has felt lost for so long. It feels like lost in a fog, sometimes a storm. I feel I should take another closer look at Out of the Fog, and I will do that.
TW I mention the current president of the US
I feel that my rational side is cool and collected, and knows quite a lot of stuff. But, I am self taught in almost everything so I know there is danger there. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing they say and I don't know as much as sometimes I think. A lot of stuff about cptsd makes so much sense to me, and a lot of it I am winging it, trying to make it fit.
My emotional side is far from cool and collected. It feels like a very angry child. And, this is like a sense of great shame to me. Like if I can't keep my emotional side hidden it will be obvious to everyone what a child I am. Having never heard of parts work or inner child work until recently and having been taught to not show that, I thought there was something terribly wrong with me.
Looking at the current president of the US (I'm not saying the name) I see a terribly wounded child. Now, it's up to him to sort that out and while I still can't believe he's holding the office that he does, like I literally struggle to believe that, it's mind boggling, I still find myself having a tiny teeny bit of sympathy for the wounded child he must have been at some point. What a mess. But, the adult person, I can't stand. The damage he is doing by turning his wounds on the world like that. Well, it seems like there is a lot of it about.
End TW
Well I will keep trying to tie the two sides of myself together. Maybe there are far more than only two parts and that would be fine. I'm open to the idea of there being a few, or more. But right now two is enough for me to be getting on with.
I feel it's great to have an idea what is the problem and to have a general direction of travel. Being lost and in a fog and /or a storm is the intolerable part because of the danger of negative feedback between my two parts which can result in destructive behaviour, usually towards myself but also occasionally directed outwards, which I hate.

SaB