SaB's 2nd journal

[sanmagic7]

hey, s&b,

i'm so glad for you that you've begun journaling here, and hope it's helpful for you.  it's been a game changer for me.  as you say, the people here are brave and caring and non-judgmental - a wonderful relief from outside experiences.

i'm glad the anti-deps are making themselves known in a pos. way.  i've been on several over the years (am currently not anymore) and while they may make you feel a bit disconnected at times, i believe that they can be used to get ourselves over the hump of those dissociative triggers that can send us reeling.  once your recovery is able to deal w/ the underlying issues, i think you'll eventually be able to at least lessen the amount of anti-deps as you gradually find your way back to yourself.  it was a brave move, and i give you all kinds of credit for seeing it thru.   

we are definitely here with you as you go thru this.  i'm glad for you that you are now able to speak your truth, admit and accept what really happened for what it truly was, and i love your optimistic outlook for the future.  i think the meds help us be able to feel some sort of hope, which also gives us incentive to keep taking each new step, no matter how small.  they all count.

your anger is definitely justified, and i think that the more you're able to speak about it, the easier it will be to see its reality and feel your own sense of strength and power.  you're on your way!  sending love and a hug filled with truth and clarity, if that's all right.   

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you, sanmagic,

Your post is so encouraging. I think you are right about the anti deps being helpful in dealing with disassociative triggering, that has been the case for me, though I still get them I find I can come back from them a bit quicker instead of spiralling out for days or weeks. But yes, the issues are still there and still need to be dealt with. I'm hoping I'll be able to do that.

The sense of being right on the edge with all of this is quite a worry, because the temptation is to always just write myself off as not mattering and get on with the job of surviving. But I really don't want to do that any more.

TW: feelings of shame and depression and anger

I've been having the dreams again where I'm forced to feel someone else's shame. These always leave me feeling ugh and slightly depressed. But they are so regular and have been a constant feature of my life. I've had no idea how to address them or escape from them. Hopefully now I'm learning a bit more and hopefully I will get the chance to talk about them. Learning to be with myself while I feel that way and not judge myself for it is hard but it will be worth it if I can manage it. To make myself free of it.

I have a hard time looking inside and trusting myself. Again, probably because I was always taught that I am inherently bad and only an authority figure can absolve me, be that a parent or God.

Anger is also something that I never was allowed to express. It seemed to be fine for others but not for me. I was indulged as long as I was compliant and smiley and funny. Anything else was a big deviation from the plan and was definitely shot down before it could be resolved.

All of those things are things I can hopefully discuss with a therapist.

It's good to know that you all are supporting me here. I know it seems weird but sometimes I still find it hard to believe and I will be exposed as not worthy of help. It's hard when even I believe it on some levels. 

[sanmagic7]

"Anger is also something that I never was allowed to express. It seemed to be fine for others but not for me. I was indulged as long as I was compliant and smiley and funny. Anything else was a big deviation from the plan and was definitely shot down before it could be resolved."


i know this one all too well, s&b.  not only in childhood, but it seemed to be that way most of my life.  as recently as last year i expressed anger about something to a man i was dating, he unceremoniously disappeared.  i don't regret it now, cuz i'm getting a different perspective on the kinds of people i've been interacting with.

the idea of carrying the shame of or for others seems to happen a lot.  i think we've been taught to do that, not let the responsibility for their actions stay on their shoulders.  they're the ones who should be ashamed of what they've done, but aren't.  we, on the other hand, take on their shame, keep it in the dark ('don't tell anyone'), where it can fester and grow.

one thing that's helped me w/ this is learning that, altho we've often been told not to tell anyone else about what happened, they usually didn't tell us not to write about what happened.  hopefully you can find some relief here, even if it's one word at a time.

slowly, step by step.  please be patient with yourself and know that you are cared about here, are valuable and valid, no matter what you're feeling.  sending love and a hug filled w/ self-trust. 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Sanmagic, thank you so much for what you've written here. It totally chimes with me about not being my true self around people.  This concept of not being acceptable unless we conform to others' ideas of us. It does infect adulthood, definitely, and trying to break free of that and express myself how I want to / need to has been and is a big part of my struggle. I'm glad you were able to express anger to that man and that you don't have any regrets. Anger is definitely a valid emotion and if he didn't want to know then that is his problem. 

I hear you too about being patient with myself. I have to take that on board as part of recovery since there probably won't be progress without it. Learning to have enough self esteem to trust myself will be a good goal to strive for. After that things might get easier.

I like what you said about writing, too. I had been writing things on paper for a long time to try and organise my thoughts before I found this forum. The problem with that was that the bits and pieces just got all mixed up and lost so the problem wasn't really solved at all.

But, here I can write my thoughts and ideas and they will be recorded in the order I wrote them. So that is great.

I do feel that things are very slowly getting better. I'm very tentative about everything. Writing here and getting feedback (and contributing to other threads when I can, and I have something to add) helps so much, that is why every comment is appreciated.

Thank you         

[SharpAndBlunt]

Good news. I have been assessed and accepted for a course of therapy, to run for 12 sessions.

I seem to have a good connection with the therapist, good start.

Feeling hopeful.

[Snowdrop]

That's really good news.

[sanmagic7]

 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thanks snowdrop and sanmagic 

Well, I realise that what is coming up for me most is fear! The fear is manifesting in a couple of ways, mostly sleeplessness and nausea. I am trying to accept the sensation as normal, to do with fear of exposure in my upcoming therapy. I want to go in with full disclosure and honesty about my feelings but quite honestly I am worried about what will come back.

I think, maybe I am scared that I am manipulative. But, then I think that maybe in my childhood I had to learn a measure of manipulation, just to survive. So, maybe I tell myself the fact that I want to confront this and not hide from it is progress in itself. But, that brings fear also, the fear of knowing I have spent my adult life hiding from the fear, and now I am past where I want to be and I realise I have 'lost' that time with no hope of getting it back. I'm older.

But, on some level I've always known I can't go on this way and would eventually have to confront what's inside. But, I've been putting it off. But also, I realise my life changes in the last few years I've been preparing for this. I've cut out alcohol as self medication. I try to exercise and eat well. It doesn't always go to plan. I try to take responsibility for my own small roles in life while at the same time trying to keep a perspective that I'm not special, I'm just another survivor, surviving life. This seems to be a common attitude in my family. Love seems to come a distant third or fourth in the scheme of things. I want to feel love and companionship but, again, I'm scared.

I try to keep myself to myself so that I am not risking any damage, to myself or others. Reaching out feels so risky. But then, when I feel I have been going along steady enough to risk reaching out when I do it I get a really strong fear reaction. This kind of tangle is the kind of thing I want to untangle in therapy. I've said before I can't trust. I really do think I have big issues around trust, trusting myself and others enough to make progress seems an impossible goal sometimes. Like waves on the beach this goal seems to come and go! It feels like the best I can hope for sometimes is just hanging in there. Then I think, well maybe that's no so bad. There are worse places to be in life. I just wish that I didn't feel so 'sharp' and honestly toxic all the time. It just makes me want to isolate myself but like I said, i want to try to untangle this mess of conflicting feelings. Burying them all and hoping for the best is not the answer! I know this. But, so far I haven't found a comfortable way to deal with all these things.

Thanks again to everyone who has been encouraging. 

[Hope67]

Hi SaB,
I am happy to hear that you've been accepted for that course of 12 sessions, that is great news.   
I can appreciate that you're feeling some fear about it though - I think that's understandable - I think I would feel similarly.  You mentioned the waves on the beach, and I thought that's a great analogy, but I really hope that the sway and pull of the tide will enable you to risk things and maybe untangle things, and as you said - burying them and hoping for the best is not the answer!   People put their trust in oceans sometimes, and even believe that bottles with messages will reach other continents, and I hope that whatever happens for you, with your sessions, that you'll be ok, and that you'll find it helpful.  Wishing you the best with it, and sending you a hug of support 
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you Hope 

I was feeling so strange and restless this morning when I wrote that post. I feel a little more stable tonight. I think the fear of things changing so much is holding me back. There is comfort in my old ways even if it's not a solution.

I know things will get better 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Again I'm awake at 4am. This has really become a habit, one I don't have any control over, yet.

Feel like I need help to bring my emotional and rational sides together. The difference from before is that now I feel I can do this. The emotional side of me has felt lost for so long. It feels like lost in a fog, sometimes a storm. I feel I should take another closer look at Out of the Fog, and I will do that.

TW I mention the current president of the US

I feel that my rational side is cool and collected, and knows quite a lot of stuff. But, I am self taught in almost everything so I know there is danger there. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing they say and I don't know as much as sometimes I think. A lot of stuff about cptsd makes so much sense to me, and a lot of it I am winging it, trying to make it fit.

My emotional side is far from cool and collected. It feels like a very angry child. And, this is like a sense of great shame to me. Like if I can't keep my emotional side hidden it will be obvious to everyone what a child I am. Having never heard of parts work or inner child work until recently and having been taught to not show that, I thought there was something terribly wrong with me.

Looking at the current president of the US (I'm not saying the name) I see a terribly wounded child. Now, it's up to him to sort that out and while I still can't believe he's holding the office that he does, like I literally struggle to believe that, it's mind boggling, I still find myself having a tiny teeny bit of sympathy for the wounded child he must have been at some point. What a mess. But, the adult person, I can't stand. The damage he is doing by turning his wounds on the world like that. Well, it seems like there is a lot of it about.

End TW

Well I will keep trying to tie the two sides of myself together. Maybe there are far more than only two parts and that would be fine. I'm open to the idea of there being a few, or more. But right now two is enough for me to be getting on with.

I feel it's great to have an idea what is the problem and to have a general direction of travel. Being lost and in a fog and /or a storm is the intolerable part because of the danger of negative feedback between my two parts which can result in destructive behaviour, usually towards myself but also occasionally directed outwards, which I hate.

SaB

[SharpAndBlunt]

I've had a long day and feeling really worn down and a bit depressed and feeling a bit sorry for myself.

I have a physical pain in my chest that I get in the afternoons that I am now pretty sure is a repressed emotional pain.

I was wondering today how to look after myself emotionally at work, while I have to be switched on and alert to things happening or going wrong. Sometimes I think I should be in a different job. But, I don't know what else I can do and I'm too lost in recovery anyway atm to contemplate that unless I really have to.

I don't know if this is recovery or not. I feel like 2 steps forward 3 steps back sometimes.

Today I feel stupid and a bit worthless and a part of me is mocking myself for being so stupid to think I can ever make anything better. The inner critic, I suppose, having a field day.

I have also put on a lot of weight that I lost last year when I was exercising more and eating better so that is more ammo for the critic.

Need to stop viewing things in absolute terms and start to give myself a break. I do feel trapped though, like I will never be free of self doubt, hating and harm. I'm not looking forward to the weekend. Lots of time stretching out and not much of a clue what to do with it. Gah.

[Hope67]

Hi SaB,
I've seen it written somewhere before about how recovery can be like 2 steps forwards and 3 steps back sometimes, so I am not surprised to hear you say that here, as it makes sense that it would be or feel like that sometimes.  I certainly think that sometimes I am treading against treacle and not making any progress, but then there are other times when it goes better.  I hope very much that you'll experience some more steps forward. 

You've had a long day, but the weekend is here, and whilst it can seem like a long space ahead of you, I really hope that you will be able to rest and your desire to stop viewing things in absolute terms and start to give yourself a break, that sounds really positive.  I hope you can do that.  I hope I can do that too - because it sounds like good things to do.  Self-doubt, hating and harm are hard bars to traverse, and could definitely make you feel trapped, as you said, but hopefully light can get through the gaps, and maybe the door could be opened to step out of that trap.  I don't know, but I hope so.

I am sorry I am writing all of this, as I feel as if I have some kind of verbal diarrhoea today, and so apologies if it sounds strange or if I'm over-stepping things here by saying it. 

I wanted to offer you a hug, and I hope the weekend will be kind to you.  I hope that for myself as well.   
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you Hope, I think what you wrote here is really lovely, no overstepping. I loved the image of treading in treacle, it's an image I can relate to all to easily. Hard bars to traverse is also a useful phrase, because I like thinking in images. Thank you!

I hope our weekends are restful. Sending that  right back at you. Sab.

[Hope67]

Hi SaB,
I hope your weekend was ok.   
Hope