[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi, Hope,

I hope your weekend was good, mine was fine, I rested and while I felt aimless at times (actually most of the time) my anxiety levels are down, I think because of the Sertraline, so I was able to cope better with feeling like that. I hope to continue not feeling like I must escape at all times. Thank you. 

[Jazzy]

That sounds great. Reduced anxiety can be so helpful. Take care!

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thanks jazzy, it is helping me a lot to not have high anxiety. It is so constraining to have that all the time, it really gets into everything.

[Hope67]

Hi SaB,
I'm glad to hear your anxiety levels are down and hope that you're ok.   
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you Hope  I think that I am OK, mostly.

I am having therapy for the first time. I'm talking one on one with someone who knows what I'm talking about, who is listening and responding, as a conversation where I get to say what I really want instead of thinking of the other.

I have to say that this is really positive. The feedback and yes validation is really encouraging.

But, a little scary too. Because it kind of confirms what I know. I got triggered in the session and I let T know. And it was cool. But it was such an innocuous comment. So, if I can recognise and manage triggers better I'll be a lot happier.

I recognise a lot of my behaviors from my M. I've got a kind of hair trigger.

I realised as well that I feel a lot of anger. Then I get a bit ashamed thinking "I have nothing to be angry about". Then I quell my emotion.

Then, I quell all emotions.

I would rather be low than be up and just be angry and confused.

But when I'm low I don't feel alive.

I think I'll leave it there for now. Oh except for one thing. Earlier today I was concious of a wave of emotions. So intense, it was like a rush to the head. I felt a little disoriented and faint. It passed really quickly. It was nice to feel emotions but a little weird. I wonder if this is how it feels to heal a little. I hope so. I hope not a false start.

I'm glad to be able to journal here. I talked with T about quite a lot that makes sense. I made hand written notes this morning in order to remember. Maybe I could put them here too but I don't know yet. Got a few days away coming up so the routine is changed completely.

[Hope67]

  to you SaB. 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

S & B: Glad you found a therapist, who you feel really listens and hears you. It is scary. But isn't it nice to be HEARD?

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you guys  Yes, it really is fantastic to be heard (listened to!)   

[SharpAndBlunt]

I just want to post a short something, even although I don't feel that I really want to, or have anything to add.

This 'quiet mind' is a new thing for me. While I wouldn't say my mind is completely quiet, I really feel for the first time in a long time that I may be able to interact with people on something approaching a normal level of functioning without being overcome with panic. Maybe.

I'm not sure if it is just the medication, or more likely a combination of that, and the little therapy I've had (it is a godsend), and being able to speak more openly.

I have also noticed some remorse creeping in about how I've felt 'bad' and how I haven't been able to behave how I've wanted to behave. I recognise that that's not rational, that I was / am ill, with depression and anxiety. The traumas I experienced just mounted up and spun me out.

But still, I am now looking and almost thinking from the perspective I've heard all my life, almost that I just need to 'cheer up'.

I think that that voice is an internalised critical voice. I think it is easy to say that, when you're not the one who is struggling. I think the fact that it has taken 20+ years to get to this point, strong anti depressant drugs and therapy and opening up (on here as well as a bit more in general), the passing of a very difficult (emotionally) parent. I don't think I really had to just 'cheer up'. I think that I really, really needed help.  And, I don't know how to feel about that, that I couldn't seem to get it, when I needed it, until now. Maybe I walled myself off and couldn't be reached. That discussion is for another day.

Right now I'll take being able to 'almost' function in a 'normal' manner (panic reduced, stress, fear reduced). I'll take that, and keep working. I read the journeys of people on here and I feel humbled, and encouraged and thankful to hear your stories. I want to say thanks for sharing, I hope that is ok to say that, and here's to more peace for us all 

[sanmagic7]

hey, s&b, i totally agree w/ you about 'here's to more peace for us all'.  thank you, also, for sharing your own journey.  we're all in this together, after all.

so glad to hear you found a t who will listen and hear you - that's the best!  how freeing it is to be able to speak your reality, no matter what it might be.

'cheer up' is one of those sayings i've heard a lot, also.  along with 'don't be so sensitive' or 'just let it go - why do you want to keep dragging up the past?'  i believe those are all ways for people to try to get us to make them feel more comfortable.  so, i agree that that may be an inner critic kind of thing going on.  as you keep healing, those kinds of things will resolve themselves at their own pace. 

i think you're doing great, and i'm glad you have a place to be yourself, speak your truth, and be heard as well.  sending love and a hug filled w/ time for healing.   

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi sanmagic,

Thanks 

I do think there's an inner critic thing going on, with me. This internalised voice about how I 'should be', instead of how I am. It's powerful and embedded.

I understand now about family dysfunction, and how it's passed down. Most generations simply have had no time and / or framework to address this stuff. But, I'm not minimising it. It is truly damaging.

My whole life I've doubted my own feelings, my own experience even, believing there is something wrong with me. That is a very negative concept, I believe.

Life comes so fast and intense, day to day is a game of survival. Or, so it has always seemed to me. This feeling of always being on the edge can really grow. Sometimes it has taken over.

The thing that I feel strongly about cptsd, is the damage that other people do.

Sometimes the damage is concious. Other times it is unconcious, or more accurately it is unacknowledged. Maybe for fear that acknowledging it will make it real.

But it is real. And that refusal to engage is a big big part of what happened to me, made me feel lost, small, powerless, minimised. As an adult, I know I have power. As a white male I know I have a certain privilege. As a sufferer of trauma and neglect I feel small and tiny and hopeless and needy. I never understood why I had to quell my emotions just to survive. I still don't.

I'm still here, learning to undo that. Others are on the same journey, broadly speaking, and the sure knowledge that I'm not alone, is something I still struggle to internalise. But it's getting slowly more acceptable to me to allow myself to believe that. That is something to quietly celebrate   

 

[Hope67]

Hi SaB,
I also feel that the knowledge that we're not alone, and that's something to quietly celebrate - I am agreeing wholeheartedly with what you say there - it is a special thing, and I also applaud that along with you 
What you said here about understanding how family dysfunction is passed down, and how most generations haven't taken time (or had time) to process or address this stuff, but acknowledging that it's damaging, that's a big realisation in my opinion, and it's sad that you (and many of us) doubt our own feelings, and end up blaming ourselves or thinking something is wrong with us.  I agree with you, that is a very negative concept.  I believe that too.

Sending you a hug, 
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you Hope, for recognising and validating those thoughts on invalidation of feelings. Simple sounding stuff, maybe? But important. Critical, to keeping a sense of self Thank you for your care and input.

Recognising my feelings is a big part of my recovery. Being with them and embracing them is something that I'm not there yet with. But, taking the time to be mindful that feelings are natural and that they come and go, that has helped a lot.

Sometimes it seems that the world is very insistent on how I should be. Rather than acknowledging how I am. It's too easy to abandon myself to play along with feeling alright, but in the end it's just putting off what needs to be done, which is sitting through the feelings I have. Coming from a place which could be quite violent at times, I find sitting with feelings to be not an easy thing to do, because my internal critical shaming voice begins to take over and really really go to town on my own 'weakness'.

Being able to recognise what is going on in my own head and body when that happens is enormous for me. It feels like progress. Because I've always felt shame with it up till now. Right now my strategy is to acknowledge that there's something there to look at, at some point, and to back off from it for the time being, give myself some space to rebalance, in the knowledge that the issues are not going away. That sounds like a negative but in fact is a positive. By knowing they're not going away it takes the pressure to deal with them RIGHT NOW off, and means my brain doesn't go into a tailspin. Oh it's fragile though, and it takes care on my part.

Care I've never given myself before. It's sad that I believed that self care is a weakness, an indulgence. Oh I'm sad that I believed that to my core for such a long time. Maybe forever. So, I'm digging that up and turning over the earth (a good friend says that analogy (?) sometimes and i realise how well it works for me). Slowly and carefully, and not shaming myself about being wrong about it for so long. It's what I was conditioned to believe but it is not true.

Leaving it here as don't want to break through into unregulated racing thoughts and fear. Slowly gently does it.

As ever I am aware of a deep sense of being weary. I get this awareness when I do some work turning over the soil. I welcome it. It means some work is being done! 

SaB

[sanmagic7]

it was good for me to hear you say that we don't have to fix everything right now.  i've struggled w/ that forever.  well, it was what i was taught - if someone wanted something done, it was definitely Right Now!  had to learn that the hard way, but, yep, it stuck tight.  i still have to consciously catch myself at times or be reminded that i can take my time.  whew!  tough one!

thanks for sharing that.  every time i hear it, it helps just that little bit more.  love and hugs to you, s&b!

[Jazzy]

Sounds like you're making some great progress SaB; glad to hear it. Take care!