SaB's 2nd journal

[Three Roses]

Being able to recognise what is going on in my own head and body when that happens is enormous for me. It feels like progress. Because I've always felt shame with it up till now.

[Hope67]

Hi SaB,
I found your words very insightful and encouraging, and just wanted to send you a supportive hug.   
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you sanmagic, Jazzy, Three Roses and Hope 

I'm feeling, in some ways, that I'm back where I was for years (in terms of dealing with life). I'm back to a place where I'm coping, with the day to day difficulties of having a live. Emotionally, I'm still very tentative and scared and I feel childish.

My anxiety has taken a back seat but is still a constant presence. It's faded enough so that while it's unpleasant and pervasive I can stuff it away to get through what I need to get through.

That is fine until emotions arise (relationships, any kind of relationships really that are anything even slightly more than an acquaintance). As soon as emotions crop up I'm a crumpled mess!

I have noticed too that I am dreaming a bit more, or maybe just remembering my dreams more. Most of my dreams feel extremely uncomfortable and most if not all feature people and situations from my past. It doesn't take a genius (thankfully, because I am very much not one) to work out that there is still a lot there for me to come to terms with.

One or two big positives for me:

Having learned a little about the effects of trauma on the brain and nervous system I am no longer so inclined to blame myself for being defective in some way, which I put down to a defect of character for s long time, partly due to feedback from people in my life from whom I had a right to expect better.

That's a bit deal, because from that place I can (hopefully) recognise what is happening a bit better when I am in a panic and / or ef.

That way, I'm not despairing as much. I know that hard as this is, it is not permanent, it's not my set in stone way of experiencing life.

I honestly do think it is very hard for people who are not traumatised to understand how all encompassing and difficult it is. Or, maybe some understand but don't want to address it. Alcoholism, and other dysfunctions, well to me they beckon as a result of that denial.

So, not blaming myself, not turning to alcohol or drugs as an escape, all these things are important. Recognising that things are hard, but that they can change, that things are not set in stone and that life still has possibilities, that is big.

Being alone and isolating is something I can work on reducing, I hope, now that I have an understanding of my self destructive behaviours. My inner critic is piping up now. "It's easy to write this stuff at 6am on A Monday morning immediately after a restful weekend. Let's see how you cope when the pressure is back on, again."

Well, to the critic I say welcome back and shut the * up, at least for a while. Let's see how this goes before we condemn it all to failure again before it has even started. This is where support becomes so important and I'm glad to say that I feel that I have some again at last. It's just a feeling, a change in perspective maybe. Or maybe it's real. I don't want to over analyse that right now.

I know there is support at OOTS and it is definitely real 

[Three Roses]

Well, to the critic I say welcome back and shut the * up....

[Jazzy]

A lot of positives here, SaB, that's great. I think its really helpful to remind ourselves how far we've come, and the things we're doing right. Take care!

[Not Alone]

So, not blaming myself, not turning to alcohol or drugs as an escape, all these things are important. Recognising that things are hard, but that they can change, that things are not set in stone and that life still has possibilities, that is big.

yes, it is big. 

[SharpAndBlunt]

I'm feeling slightly hopeful, in my life, just in general, nothing specific, for the first time in many many years 

I'm so happy about that. But I'm more happy that I'm on a path that feels more, I don't know exactly but, right, seems a good word as any.

I am glad I can share this path a little and I want to share a little of the hope I feel here. I hope whoever reads this might share it a little. I know that sounds weird. I just want to share a little, for a bit. Thanks and hugs to all

[Not Alone]

  Thanks for sharing your hope! It did make my heart smile.

[Three Roses]

I don't think it sounds weird at all! Thanks for sharing it! 

[Jazzy]

That's wonderful! I'm happy for you!

[SharpAndBlunt]

 

[SharpAndBlunt]

I'm tired today but I think I'm ok. But I had a realisation that I never feel safe. When I open up emotionally I feel exposed and vulnerable. Maybe this is normal.

I'm scared at the challenges ahead. In life. Trying to lead a 'normal' life. It is so demanding. Especially when I feel like someone is going to hit me or shout at me, all of the time. This constant nervousness is boring and aggravating to me.

Despite all this I am allowing some small space for feelings. I'm going to nurture that small place until it grows into something more durable. I'm done killing the only thing inside that lives, that thing being hope. If I have any at all I'm going to take care of it and make sure it is there for me and any other special people in my life that I choose to share it with. I won't hold myself to account for things that were done to me.

I hope I can live up to all these promises I make myself.

[Snowdrop]

Never feeling safe can be very tiring. I know that feeling, and about feeling exposed if you open up emotionally.

Despite all this I am allowing some small space for feelings. I'm going to nurture that small place until it grows into something more durable. I'm done killing the only thing inside that lives, that thing being hope. If I have any at all I'm going to take care of it and make sure it is there for me and any other special people in my life that I choose to share it with. I won't hold myself to account for things that were done to me.

^^ I love this.

[Hope67]

Hi SaB,
I just wanted to stop by and say hello - and send you a hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you Snowdrop. I'm sorry you know what it's like to not feel safe ever. Slowly and with work it's getting better 

Hope, thanks for dropping by. It's always a pleasure to see you and have your hugs 

I'm posting here in some ways only because it feels almost like yesterday I last posted, when in fact it was 12 days. I don't see this as a problem, but it is interesting and something I want to be aware of.

I've spoken in the past about disassociation and being triggered. Right now I don't feel totally dissociated but I am aware of underlying stresses causing a feeling like life is rushing by. I wonder if this state is how I've lived in the past.

The difference I feel now is an awareness of my inner state and my 'small' person and allowing compassion for him instead of the inherited scorn I sent his way.

Feeling a little bit ashamed and a wee bit triggered that I admitted that to myself. But also a determination to remember how important this is, to honour my wounded younger self, who is my companion.

I'm glad I found oots to journal in and find others. It's a relief to be able to safely share this journey. Thank you to all here.