SaB's 2nd journal

[Snowdrop]

The difference I feel now is an awareness of my inner state and my 'small' person and allowing compassion for him instead of the inherited scorn I sent his way.

This is great! Showing compassion for and honouring your younger person is absolutely the way to go. I found it a bit triggering to think in this way at first as well, but I've since got used to it. I've found acknowledging, caring for and working with younger parts to be hugely beneficial. I'm glad that you can allow compassion.

[Hope67]

Hi SaB,
Sending you best wishes and hoping that your weekend is ok.   
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

I haven't been around but I haven't forgotten oots or the good people here. I've been dealing with things in my own way.

I had some nice times over the holiday and some sociable times. I drank a lot on a couple of occasions, but I have pulled back from that. What is scary to me is how easy it is for me to say that alcohol eases the pain. It really doesn't.

My downstairs neighbour just yelled really badly at one of her boys. Either that or she was yelling up at me for making some kitchen noises late (putting pots away etc) but I don't think it was that. She actually screamed out some really horrible stuff.

It's triggering to me cause I remember being ashamed at being screamed at like that. I really don't like it and it makes me feel sad and nervous and little. The difference is that she's got no power over me, whereas my m. did.

But it's a reminder how deep I've got the roots of my issues. The abuse that happened. Now I feel bad about the boys downstairs and for her too but I don't know what else to do.

I've got to keep to my own recovery and that's important.

What is the best way foreard? I don't know exactly. Other people's problems are distressing and sad. I don't think those boys are at risk. But, then again, I suffered badly that way. And I'm lonely and sad.

Well, ok, I am doing a bit better and I am coping, more or less. But this is kind of disturbing development and I hope they are OK.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Second anniversary of my f's death today. I know some of the family are doing things that he enjoyed. But, I didn't, and never did, but did them to fit in. So I'm no longer doing that.

I am conflicted about saying it but he beat me with his brain, for years, and it shattered me. Now that I am starting to pull those pieces together again into what I hope will be a full personality I don't feel much except relief that he is gone. I'm sorry dad that I can't remember many good memories, but I just can't. Maybe they will come back later.

[Hope67]

Hi SaB,
Just wanted to send you a hug 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

SaB,
For now, your memories of your father are not good. That's just how it is and that's okay. Also okay that you feel relief that he is gone. Glad you allowed yourself to NOT participate in his enjoyed activities.

[woodsgnome]

Sharp and Blunt ... I know those feelings very well. Once a therapist suggested an assignment: scan the mind closely, and see if there aren't some good memories in there. I tried -- hard -- and there was nothing.

My fear in doing so was that other bad memories might filter back in. Some did but the main thing is that I knew I didn't want to venture in that direction again. Since then, I've tried to focus on just trekking onward, without reference to that old stuff. I haven't always succeeded in tamping it all down, but giving up on finding any good memories seemed to clear my present foggy state of being quite a bit.

Coming to the realization you have about this opens up a space for your explorations into making your current life the priority; even if there's quite a tug on the heartstrings for what was so horribly wrong in your past.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you guys for your kind responses and sorry it has taken me so long. One good thing is, I feel that however long it takes, this base is always here, to come back to, and to be heard in. It means so much and I know that is something that means so much to you guys too.

This sense of having a bit more space for an inner life. Of having more free neurons to deal with things in a calm manner. This is something new to me. Anti depressants are maybe helping in that regard. A nice therapist too, who I will get to see for 12 sessions and have maybe used half of those so far. We haven't been rushing and I took quite a long break over the festive period.

New job, maybe moving house, new things but the same things underneath too. But, moving forwards. Being able to cope a little better. Not crying as much. I have a friend who I really like but who I find really difficult. I'm realising it's ok to be lonely and I don't have to reach out to salve that.

I can reach out for companionship but I don't have to take other people's shortcomings as a judgement on myself.

Making my current life a priority. This is really what it feels like and it feels different to me, and encouraging.

There are times when I have been feeling overwhelmed then I was able to stop and consider my own feelings. Even that little step was enough to stop me spiraling out - a welcome and happy change for me.

Not wanting to go on too much. Big  to everyone here who I feel affinity with. The sense of safety I feel here is deeply appreciated.

[Not Alone]

So many new things and positive steps for you. It warms my heart to hear how you are able to stop and consider your feelings. You are moving forward step by step. Thanks for sharing.

[sanmagic7]

hey, s&b,

it sounds like you're making some solid progress.  i'm really glad for you for that.  it's good to see you here again, too. 

i, too, have gotten quite picky w/ who i want to allow into my life.  it's difficult enough to navigate what's going on w/ me, let alone navigate difficulties or stress that someone else brings in.  at this point, to my mind, anyone who doesn't enhance my life doesn't need to be in it.  i'm ok right now mostly on my own.

a sense of calm sounds lovely.  keep taking care of you as best you can..  sending love and a hug filled w/ the present

[Hope67]

Hi SaB, it's so good to read those positive things that have happened for you - many of them are changes, but so many positives within it.  It also warms my heart to hear that - and it's good that you are doing ok.  I agree with you that this place is a safe place to return to when needed. 
Sending you another hug, and glad to see you.   
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

I'm delighted you have so many positives to share.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you everyone, it's lovely to read your replies.

My mind is on work and other things and although I feel safe kind of during the day I still have the most horrible dreams. I rarely remember the details but shame and embarrassment always come top to a physical sick feeling.

I've been attending therapy. The therapist tells me to try being nice to myself.

So that's what I'm trying to do! When I feel that I'm about to go out of control I tell myself that I can be nice to myself about it. That helps me even though it sounds so simple. I have been years not knowing that.

It also helps that when I'm feeling really weird or scared I can tell myself that these feelings are part of me and that they're OK. They're not pleasant but they're part of me, not coming from somewhere outside. I'm not convinced that makes sense but it's how I explain how I feel sometimes.

Knowing that I can be nice to myself regardless of how bad I feel is somehow empowering. So I have been concentrating on not forgetting that.

The shame attacks I get for being so 'stupid' still happen pretty bad but I find that they too can be stalled with a little pause and remembering this be nice mantra.

I don't know. I hope it lasts. I can take feeling small or weird or strange as long as I feel safe inside myself. It's a strange sensation to realise that this is all in me and not from outside and that I can work with that.

The shame attacks then also come when I feel bad about being so egotistical to think there is anything special about me as to why I find things difficult. A little pause can help me reflect that it's just another way for me to feel bad, and I don't want that.

So what's better? To face things and feel awful or to give a little break just to feel a bit better for a while. Well, considering how short a time we're all on the planet I'm inclined to say that it's better to take the easier route. Still there are scary things underneath and maybe that is part of the human condition.

[SharpAndBlunt]

I'm writing this before I forget.

I'm so annoyed right now. Annoyed that to me love feels like hate and immediately triggers shame.

Good feelings triggering bad feelings. Thanks parents.

Why did they treat us like hateful burdens to be tolerated because life. Because their own feelings and wants and needs became nothing so ours should too.

There were nice times to but mostly it was in the shadow of anger and rebuttals and everything my fault, always my fault. The little boy who's still in me needs help to know that's not going to happen now. I did that to myself for a long time.

I guess I learned to hate myself as a kind of protection. Got to love maladaptive survival strategies learned in childhood, now deeply ingrained. It takes every spare ounce of energy just to survive then this realisation on top. Just makes me appreciate how far I still have to go on recovery. And makes me appreciate all the more that I don't have to be alone this time,though I recognise that sometimes I will still want to be,and I guess that's OK too.

[Snowdrop]

The little boy who's still in me needs help to know that's not going to happen now.

^^^ This sounds important. The little boy might not know that things are different now, that things can be different.

And yes! You can be nice to yourself, regardless of how you're feeling.