SaB's 2nd journal

Hope67 · June 03, 2020, 06:38:05 PM

Quote from: SharpAndBlunt on May 22, 2020, 02:20:54 PM

I recognising that all things are connected. One dream might not mean much on its own but when taken with other things can help illuminate concerns that might need a light shone on them.

Hi SaB,
I also think about themes and things within dreams, and relate so much to what you said about this, and I hope that you can shine a light on things and make sense of them. Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok,

Hope

SharpAndBlunt · June 10, 2020, 10:05:27 AM

Thanks everyone

, your input is much appreciated. Re dreams I dream so often and the same themes come up again and again and often leave me feeling weary at the very beginning of the day.

It feels like dancing around fears I don't want to face during the day leaves my subconscious the only option to try to bring things to my attention when I'm most relaxed.

Working on listening! And not dismissing. Interestingly, listening to the anxiety has the effect of dampening it, to write a surprising extent. Stuffing it just compresses it and makes it more kind of concentrated and difficult.

Slowly learning to process all these things. Personally I find that there is so much pressure in life, get a job, get a house etc etc that finding not so much the time but the type of time I need to really look after myself, quite difficult.

Getting better

Hope67 · June 12, 2020, 07:32:51 PM

Hi SaB,
It was interesting to read what you wrote about listening to the anxiety having the effect of dampening it, as opposed to stuffing it and compressing it - I also try to listen to messages from my body and my mind, and learn more about the emotions, and it's been something that has also helped me.

I hope that you have a more restful sleep.

Hope

SharpAndBlunt · October 11, 2020, 02:13:00 PM

Hi, Hope, and thanks as always for your comment. I hope that you are well.

Have been away for some time. I notice that four months have passed. I had found what I hoped was going to be a restorative relationship. It ended very abruptly and harshly which has thrown me back into abandonment. Interesting and sad to me, how much things have not changed emotionally. It has taken a full two months of frantically trying to make sense of what happened to get to a point of accepting I will never know and that it was probably not healthy from the start. There were signs and, I guess I am not the first and won't be the last, I chose to ignore them over the hope that something good would come from it.

I guess that it is not unusual for these things to happen. I just didn't feel really that a) I wanted it to happend and b) I tried to take measures to avoid it, including explaining about my difficulties from the outset. I just feel I have had a door slammed shut in my face and it's very sad.

But, I'm going to keep going and try to learn what I really need in life. I don't want to keep making the same mistakes,over a nd over.

I just logged in yesterday after a long absence. I'm relieved to find that I am still able to login and have an active account.

SaB

Hope67 · October 11, 2020, 05:28:36 PM

Hi SaB,
Welcome back. I'm glad you were able to log back in ok. I am so sorry to hear that your relationship ended in the way it did, and that it has thrown you back into feelings of abandonment. It must be really hard, and I am sorry that you're going through that.

Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok

Hope

SharpAndBlunt · October 13, 2020, 06:13:31 PM

Hi Hope

Thank you for your welcoming and supportive message and hug

I am feeling very abandoned. It's good I think that I can identify that and maybe I can be with it and it will dissolve or fade away.

I know I am feeling abaondoned because my neighbour said he would help me with something he's been working on with me and has forgotten me more than once. I know that he knows I'm here so I'm feeling the feelings that I am being ignored and not being paid attention to, which is very triggering. The most triggering thing is how convinced I was of it being true that I had come to accept it. I now know it's not, but it still gets me. I understand that my breakup and this are plumbing into feelings that are at my core and that they are only triggers, not the cause, but I guess I was hoping not to be with these feelings again quite so strong.

SaB

Hope67 · October 15, 2020, 06:43:24 PM

Hi SaB,
I just wanted you to know that I hear what you said, and send you another supportive hug

Feelings of abandonment are tough.
Hope

SharpAndBlunt · October 20, 2020, 03:20:12 PM

Thank you, Hope, I appreciate that

Not Alone · October 21, 2020, 12:47:47 AM

Feeling abandoned and like a door slammed in your face is extremely painful. Sorry you are going through this.

SharpAndBlunt · October 22, 2020, 07:54:09 AM

Hi notalone,

Thank you. I don't know what else to do for the moment except keep going and trust it will get easier.

SaB

sanmagic7 · October 25, 2020, 05:09:28 PM

sending some encouragement to do exactly what you think - keep going and have faith. i think those are both worth your time, and will eventually produce fruit. don't know exactly why i wrote that, but it's what came out. at any rate, i believe that doing those 2 things are a lot, and i give you a lot of credit for thinking of them sending love and a hug full of 'forward'.

SharpAndBlunt · October 25, 2020, 07:26:53 PM

Hi sanmagic, thank you for your encouragement and hug

They are very appreciated

Violet Magenta · October 25, 2020, 07:54:37 PM

Hi S&B, Reading your posts about your experiences has been really helpful. Much of it is achingly familiar. I only just realized that abandonment is a thing for me. I had thought that because my parents were both around, then how could I feel abandoned? I minimized and denied my pain for so long. I now understand that emotional abandonment is very real. Thought I'd say hello and let you know I'm hoping things get easier for you.

SharpAndBlunt · October 26, 2020, 03:42:53 AM

Hello Violet, thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself and for sharing your feelings and experience.

You said,

Quote from: Violet Magenta on October 25, 2020, 07:54:37 PM... I now understand that emotional abandonment is very real.

I want to laugh and shout with you 'Of course it is!'. I have been minimising and denying this for so long, and indeed I came online to post something almost exactly on that. I had so well been taught that what I experienced wasn't an issue that I came to (almost) believe it myself. So,

to us for that.

A

from me to you, too. It's great to feel welcome here. It is always and always has been a valued safe space for me.

SharpAndBlunt · November 01, 2020, 05:50:44 PM

I just want to share that I feel detached and floaty. My father always had on insult for people, he called them balloons. I feel like a balloon, like my tie to earth is cut.

I was going to post in the having a difficult day section but I know that this will pass.

Sometimes it's easier to hold onto what I know instead of letting go of things that need to be let go. It's scary to think of dealing with life on the terms that seem easy for others. I don't like being constrained like this, but I still can't see a path out.