SaB's 2nd journal

[Hope67]

Hi SaB,
Just wanted to send you a hug, if that's ok   
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thanks guys, it's good to know you are here. WIth everything kicking off around the world and a lot happening in my life I haven't had space or time to post. But I'm still here.

S&B

[woodsgnome]

That's great, SaB, to know you're still here. It's so wonderful to hear from fellow travelers who are able to be able to connect in this safe format.

Even without a pandemic in the background, finding a way to be safe is important as we continue maneuvering out of the fog and past the storms.

Good to see you're here 

[Hope67]

Hi S&B,
Good to know you're around, and sending you a hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thanks. When I post I'm back on and then disappear again I try not to kick myself for it. I'm glad to be here. And I'm glad all of you are here too.

One thing I've been reflecting on, is how self isolation is not so terribly different from my normal life.

It's interesting to me how so many people are struggling with the lifestyle I've created for myself.

I know I am very lucky. I'm a single man who has work. So I know I've got it easier than most.

I do wonder if there might be an opportunity for me to gradually become less isolated. I don't know. Maybe when the post isolation parties are taking place I'll still stay in.

[sanmagic7]

hey, s&b, i've actually thought along similar lines.  i've been pretty much by myself for nearly 20 yrs., so this does not feel much different to me, either.  however, for most of that time i was too sick to want to be social.  now that i'm feeling better than i was, i had started thinking of doing something public, like a workshop or such.  but, parties?  i doubt it.   love and hugs

[SharpAndBlunt]

  Yeah, maybe a party is too much. It's honestly the first thing I thought of, which is interesting because it fills me with fear. But, I went to parties for years not wanting to, because I felt I was expected to. Shudder.

I was thinking also how I froze so often in conversation that it really was damaging my self esteem. Partly why I felt I had to isolate.

Quite honestly, I think it is working for me. I do miss social contact but I think it will have to be on my own terms and very limited in future.

I guess this is work I need to do around boundaries, which I've been aware I need to do but didn't know how to start. But I've read a little bit. The practice takes longer, as normal 

Hugs to everyone 

[sanmagic7]

hey,

i think you have the right idea about moving gradually back into social settings, doing so at your own pace.  very wise.  and the boundary issue sounds like it totally fits in with all that.  yeah, it'll take some time, but every step is a step closer.  we all move at our own pace, after all.  reading about how to do it is certainly a good start, to my mind.  then comes practice, which, as you say, may take a while.  i have no doubt, tho, that as you continue along this path, you'll eventually be able to be more comfortable acknowledging and preserving your boundaries in social settings. 

best to you with this.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hugs to you SaB   
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

I recently attended a 'Zoom' meeting that has triggered a lot of anxiety. People from my past. I kind of accepted it on a whim, not having anything else to do.

It was ok but I just feel horrible. I feel shame, and like I need to be hated, and that I can't be around anyone.

I don't necessarily want to dismiss those feelings or anything I just want to acknowledge them right now. My problems inside aren't going away and I'll never get away from the past. This is so shaming. I've read about addiction to negative emotions and adrenaline.

I just want to move forward, keeping what stability I have intact. My anxiety is high and still a full 'lockdown' where I am. Just getting through every day. My mind is so fast to judge and 'fix'. I'm deliberately taking it slower today even though I feel guilty for not working (still working from home).

I feel that when I connect with someone it's manipulation, my old shame ramps up and I just need to hide. But I don't want to hide my whole life.

Learning about being accepting of parts and not judging myself on a knife edge is helping but it is hard to do and also leaves me feeling stupid. Compassion and gentleness are two words I can try to remember.

[sanmagic7]

sending love and hugs filled with compassion and gentleness

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you san :-) Sun is shining and I feel better today - learning to process and not dismiss my feelings. It's slow going though!

[SharpAndBlunt]

I had my heavy legs dream again last night.

I was back in my home city and I was enjoying being there but while everyone around me was going about their business, I felt like I was walking uphill with 3,000lbs weights on my legs (I've no idea how heavy that really is).

I read today it can be just the physical feeling when your brain tries to move legs when asleep, but also that it can represent an insurmountable hurdle.

I realised I get it a lot. It's such a weary feeling. I recognising that all things are connected. One dream might not mean much on its own but when taken with other things can help illuminate concerns that might need a light shone on them.

I'm noting it here because I've had this awful dream so often - but never actually remembered what it's about. I woke up with physically sore legs and tired out.

[Three Roses]

 

[Not Alone]

Emotionally you are carrying a heavy load. It can be exhausting.