SaB's 2nd journal

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi Hope, woodsgnome, and sanmagic  thank you for being here 

I'd like to write a bit about your responses. First of all thanks, every response is appreciated. I am glad that my worries about overdeveloped narcissism in myself seem to be baseless. It's good to hear everyone's thoughts on this. I think maybe I have been told in the past that I don't need to worry about this. But, sometimes, I feel like I sink a bit down and then maybe I start to look for reasons to be hard on myself.

Thank you sanmagic for what you wrote about being open and sharing and being part of your lives. It means a lot. If there is something worth sharing here then I am more than happy to share.

woodsgnome, I really recognise your struggle to avoid n. traits. The thing you wrote about appearing toward a push-over was honestly startling, because that is something I recognise in myself. I have astonished people in the past when I have kicked back against that assumption, but at the same time I must recognise that I must be showing that tendency, in some ways. It is amazing to me how much that affects my behaviour to this day, which I will write a bit more about because I want to explore that.

Hope, thank you for sharing your worries about N. Like sanmagic I have also got behind on journals, but I think that I know enough about you to know that this is something that should not be a concern for you, though I understand how it comes about.  to everyone.

Re. my thoughts, and feelings. Journaling here is I think one of the most helpful things I did and or am doing to help myself recover. When I moved house recently, I put all of my hand written notes and musings into a bix old cardboard box. That box is 3ft x 3ft x 3ft and is filled with scraps, sheets and pages of paper. It is an un-ordered mess, and this winter I will pull that box out and gradually burn everything that I've written inside. I've realised there's no way I can read it all again and hope to make sense of it. Here, at least I feel that I must try to filter things somehow and write in a way that makes sense. It's also easier to read back because the entries are kept in the order they are written. So that's all great. I do try to participate in the forum too. Anyway, I'm getting off the point of what I wanted to say.

I come from a family of pressure, bullying, and gaslighting. There were eight of us in a very small house. I know that there was also love there, but I fear that most of the love has evaporated. That is ok, I stopped looking for it. I'm 44 years old. My M was a mean, bullying emotional mess of a woman, who was also capable of expressing love in short doses. She passed away some 26 years ago. My F fell into the victim role, which became impossible for him to break from. He passed away about 4 years ago. I'm not even sure. To me he had been living a kind of death for a long time.

I don't trust people, sanmagic, because I don't know how, though I think and hope this is gradually changing. My siblings, are mixed. Some acknowledge we had a hard time and others don't. None are really capable of exploring the damage that was done. I think due to varying levels of emotional self defences and denial.

So, because I don't trust, I don't trust myself. This is true in as much as my tendancy to minimise my abuse is as prevelant in me as it is in my siblings. Because, I think, if we deny it, we don't have to deal with it, right? Wrong. Well, here at 44 I am and I am desperate not to become a clone of my father. To not only be able to function in a victim role. I don't want to minimise being a victim. I have been a victim, but I choose to let that go! If only it was that easy! That is the hard journey for me. Journaling gives me a voice that I was denied and had learned to deny myself. This must be a positive thing.

Also to learn to trust and not to expect to be punished for expressing myself, that is big. My levels of fear around this astonish me to this day because there is no-one around now who will punish me this way, but still my inner child cowers from expressing things like hope, joy, love, needs, wants - because he expects to be physically harmed for doing so.

So it is amazing to find a place, where love is allowed and accepted.  If i can learn to not do this ->  that will be wonderful. I really want the rest of my life to be healthier than my past.  How can I stop listening to that part of me that is going  and nagging me to give it up, to give in. Well, maybe that part will be with me always. I have some ideas about re-arranging the mental space that he gets.

[Hope67]

Hi SaB,
I agree that it's amazing to find a place where love is allowed and accepted.  Sending you a hug 
Hope 

[woodsgnome]

SaB, so true what you said about realizing that though these traits tend to hang around and threaten our stability, it's still possible to re-orient towards what can be done. It may not be dramatic, but having the gumption to at least lessen the negative inner chatter a bit might help. In the end, those voices probably aren't your own, anyway.

Like so much, there's no perfect way that always effects this, but in working the new direction there's also always the chance of some surprising perspective you'll discover. I thought, as you were describing your intention to burn the contents of that messy box, how that could turn out to be a rather meaningful ritual for someone embarking further down the recovery trail.

I hope you can continue looking for new ways that will turn your tracks towards some better outcomes along the way. 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi, Hope and woodsgnome,

It's funny to me how my perspective can change on these things somewhat. This weekend I finally fetched that big box from the loft and I started to burn through the old paper. I also have had some despairing moments but also some of hope and light.

I'm realising that the world might be a messed up place but it's not within my power to fix, so the best thing I can do for myself is to concentrate on helping myself, for now. Small steps and short bursts in the right direction mean that even if I am going wrong sometimes,hopefully overall I'll be going the right way. Sending hugs to you both. 

[Hope67]

Hi SaB,
That sounds like a significant thing, that you were able to fetch the big box from the loft, and begin to do stuff with the old papers.   
I thought what you said in your second paragraph was very meaningful too. 
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you Hope, and again to you woodsgnome. My journey is much better with you guys in it. Sab

[Hope67]

Hi SaB,



Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi Hope,

I was just coming here to check in this morning and saw your big hug, which was lovely, thank you. 

I was just going to write a little about how hard the recovery journey is but also this morning how worthwhile it feels. When I am looking back on my past behaviours it's with a bit more understanding. People will say 'you did the best you could' but I think until I really can believe that, the words don't fully mean 100% what they should. I have heard so many phrases like that, that sound good but don't really work - until they begin to. What I'm trying to say is that I'm glad I am not giving up on anything like recovery, I'm still sticking at it. cptsd really does deserve that first 'c' - complex, which is how so many things got wrapped up in each other and tangled up together. Untangling cause and effect in all that is next to impossible.

I have realised how true it is. To go slow and to be kind and gentle to myself is key for me. I have always been impatient and dismissive of how much work I had to do. It's being in it for the long haul that makes it work. I'm heading into a festive period now pretty much alone but I think I will be ok. I do have people I can contact but not meet because of covid. This too will pass.

[Hope67]

Hi SaB,

Just popped by and wanted to send you a hug for this new year    You mentioned 'to go slow and to be kind and gentle' to yourself - that sounds very positive, and I hope you're managing to do that - but however it's going, I wanted to say I hope that the new year will be a kind one.

Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you, Hope, that is a lovely message

I've had some better days and worse days, but I'm here today and that is very good 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Feel like I've weathered a storm. I'm not sure what the cause was, or even if there was a cause. I look to the future and I see more storms, more weathering, hardening. It seems inevitable there will be more storms, will I still try to avoid them. Should I try to avoid them. Or should I accept my place and 'Walk On', as the song says. To Walk On feels a little like letting go, and letting go feels like letting off for all the things that have gone wrong. If I have to forgive then eventually that will be the only way forward. But to do that I have to give up any notion for good, that anything will ever be addressed outside of myself. I already know that is a fact and in fact can never be addressed. But a part of me doesn't want to to accept it.

I'm going to post this. Even though it turned into a stream of conciousness and didn't really have a fixed destination. Writing it down helped me think it through and maybe I'll read it again.

[sanmagic7]

hey, s&b,

there is a lot of controversy about forgiveness.  some believe we can't move on unless we forgive those who have harmed us.  others, like me, believe that we can give those people to a higher power of some sort to take care of our abusers, and can let go of them that way, which allows us to move on.  it's helped me a lot, and i don't have to worry or fret or even think on the idea of forgiveness.  i also believe that if it's something you eventually want to do, it will wait for you till you're ready, so you can still let go of the situation and move on until it's the right time.  you'll know when that is, and in the meantime you can continue with your progress.  just my own perspective, and if it doesn't work for you, please ignore.

i'm glad you wrote about this.  i've struggled with this same topic for a long time, especially the idea that nothing will get addressed outside myself.  there will be no justice, no awareness, no understanding.  that's been so difficult, especially since i'm all about fair play and accountability.  still, some things just aren't going to go the way we want, so it ends up being up to us to do what we can to get ourselves as healthy as we can in spite of it.  best to you with this.  love and a hug filled with whatever you need to be able to move on

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you sanmagic, it's great to re-read what I wrote there, and still be able to follow what I meant, and to see that it meant something to you too. Accountability is a good word for it. There is none and there won't be any - I always struggled with that. It also perpetuates my victim status somehow, which I don't care for much. Maybe turning it over is a better way of framing than letting go. Thanks 

[Hope67]

Hi SaB,
Just popping by to send you a hug, as I was thinking of you. 
Hope 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi, Hope,

That is amazing, because I was thinking myself today that I haven't been here in what feels like a long time. To see you sent me a message just a few hours ago is unexpected and welcome 

I'm feeling very sad about things in general, although I have 'nothing to feel sad about'. But I'm sad about my want for love, my need to be seen and felt, and how the world is just so harsh in general. I'm getting older, things that seemed magical to me as a child just seem mundane and meaningless. This might be a slight dip in mood not quite a depression.

Strangely, the change in seasons, from winter to spring always challenges me. It's as if in winter, I don't feel bad for hiding away indoors and keeping warm. In spring and summer, there is much more of a perception that i 'should be' outside enjoying picnics, wine in the park, etc etc with some picture perfect friends. My world isn't like that and it never will be. I sometimes despise the media for painting ideal pictures everywhere.