Repressed Memory?

[gcj07a]

I was in therapy this morning doing EMDR work when the memory I was working on slid into another memory of my mother molesting me when I was elementary age or so. It was so unexpected and unlooked for that I just assumed my memory was being overactive. But then my therapist had me keep going and the longer I explored this the more "real" the memories felt. I was flooded with night after night after night. Though I was emotionally abused and physically abused, I had no memory (until this morning) of sexual abuse. Am I making it up? Are repressed memories real? I mean, it was like something that had been edited out of my memories had returned. The way I had remembered this stuff was that I was exploring my body myself, but now it seems that it was my mother. It also makes a lot of sense of my various other childhood symptoms, my bed wetting, insomnia, sleep walking and talking, waking up in my closet with the door closed and my body against it, my nightmares of demons coming at night to drag me to hel (I was raised in a very religious household), my urninating on random things at night, etc. It just seems in-credible. Like, my M is a real piece of work, but I never suspected anything like that. Anyway, am I nuts?

[Not Alone]

All of my abuse memories were repressed. I understand the struggle to know it's real. You're not nuts.

[woodsgnome]

These sorts of memories have occasionally popped back in during my own therapeutic work. So something appears to have happened, and can match up with other things that were going on then. I -- and my therapist, don't doubt they fit right in with other stuff from my childhood (and, sadly, beyond; even after I'd left the FOO). But we've learned not to dwell there, either -- at least anymore and not for long.

Back to your main wonder, though, given your history it seems likely that yes, there was that abuse lurking in the background. When I first wandered into this territory, I was desperate to want to know more details; it seemed like I just must know. But that was a troubling expectation, I later decided. I -- and you -- can know all the details of everything that happened, and still I'm living: NOW. How my life is still affected by the memories -- some vague, and some too vivid.

There's still gap where I 'know' something awful seems to have occurred, and I kind of hope that memory doesn't fully materialize. It's one reason I've shied away from some of the recall sort of therapy, though; knowing all the details at this point I'm not sure best serves my hard-to-come-by peace of mind about so much that did happen. Knowing the past  bothers me almost daily. Yet I can't change except how I am right now. So I'm just not sure that trying to uncover all the details will serve my best interests.

It seems like your memory was definitely real -- but I'm not sure how much you may still find it useful to probe, given that you already do know the surrounding pattern in which it took place.

It's also important that you know some others have run into these memories as well. I hope you can find a good way to deal with these sorts of things. In that sense, it's good to know your therapist is aware and hopefully can help you further.

[Three Roses]

Repressed memories are real; in my case they didn't surface until my 60s, and I was positive I'd remembered everything from my childhood.

[sigiriuk]

Complete agreement with Three Roses.
Those memories are real, and you aren't nuts.
You will need a lot of time to process these experiences. It takes as long as you need.
Slim

[gcj07a]

Thanks everyone! I very much appreciate it.

[SJH]

Same thing has happened to me. I always knew that there were gaps in my memory, but thought that was normal, not everyone can remember everything right? But then seemingly out of nowhere I had a clear memory of SA that came to me, that was clear, or clearer than other childhood memories, and I knew straight away it was real but wouldn't believe it. And with it came the EF's and all the other stuff that come with it, and it was then that I started to look into it and saw that this could happen even to fairly high functioning people like me. Since then other memories have surfaced, but I have not pushed it as each time it really sets me back.   

I help back from telling people as I thought I would never be believed, but weirdly when I eventually (and reluctantly) related the whole experience to my closest friend he wasn't surprised at all and said he always knew something had happened from the way I was.

I had another memory a few weeks ago which I am still processing which is why I'm on this part of the site today. It's not easy, but these memories are real and you are not alone.

[Barney]

I have recently "found out" that the amount and clarity of my childhood memories differ from "normal" people...I have what are known as "flashbulb memories"  or psychogenic amnesia...I've spent hours and hours working on a time line for Lifespan Integration...just one memory (1967 red house) for each year...and even using my sister, and kids I grew up with...I still can't account for 1968 and 1975...I'm 58 years old...   https://lifespanintegration.com/