[Deep Blue]

Thanks all for not letting me disappear.  I read and reread your posts during the worst of it.

So therapy was Monday and I’m noticing myself start to stabilize again today.  So I’m wondering if the patten is that it takes a few days to get my feet back under me each time.  Gosh I really would prefer my down days to be over the weekend, that way I can sleep or do more self care.

The fact that I seem to re-stabilize after a few days is promising. I hope to remember it if I go into the depression again

[Not Alone]

Glad you are feeling your feet underneath you again. 

[Kizzie]

 

[Jdog]

Happy to hear your positive update!

[Three Roses]

Glad to hear you're feeling better! As far as having your recuperating days fall on the weekend - can you reschedule your appointments for Fridays? 

[Kizzie]

        

[Deep Blue]

So it wasn’t till I was in my session Monday that my T pointed out I had dissociated the whole of the week before .  It just disappeared.  She told me what I had written to her and I argued that it was weeks ago. We looked back and uhhhh she was right.

I dissociated for a whole week and hadn’t realized it    It was strange to not have realized it either.  She asked me what I did, and it was so fuzzy I barely remembered.  Crazy cuz my memory is usually pretty good with that stuff.  so she made another appointment for me on Wednesday.

I was nervous on Wednesday.  I didn’t want to dissociate again.  We didn’t do exposure this week per se.  I read an entry but just to find out the belief and what seems to trigger the depression.

So yeah, back tomorrow. Deep breath

[Jazzy]

That sounds pretty intense. I hope tomorrow goes better for you. Remember to give your T some feedback about how you are handling things. There is no rush to fix it all up immediately.

Take care Deep Blue!

[Jdog]

I’m pulling for you, my teacher friend.  Deep breaths, and don’t forget some self compassion.  This stuff isn’t easy.

[sanmagic7]

with you all the way on this.  i echo what everyone says.  hang tough, ok?  you are so brave w/ this - like jdog says, this stuff isn't easy.  sending love and a hug filled w/ strength.   

[Kizzie]

   Deep Blue!

[MoonBeam]

Thinking of you Deep Blue. 

[Deep Blue]

Ugh,
Went to therapy yesterday and fought fought fought not to dissociate again.  The world got fuzzy and I went to bed early.

I guess you can’t really fight it.  I’m dissociated again.  Autopilot all day today.... not ideal cuz I have a ton of stuff to do. 

Also a note, shaving my legs when dissociated is a bad idea. 

[Not Alone]

Deep Blue,

You did not do anything wrong by dissociating. As others have said, these are painful, heavy issues you are dealing with. 

[MoonBeam]

Deep Blue, I've been thinking about your post and the concept of fighting not to dissociate. I try to stay present, but when it kicks in, it kicks in and no matter how badly I want to stay present, I just can't.  I've been thinking, it happens when I don't feel safe (maybe its not that simple. I don't know). I'm wondering if I come out of it when I start to feel safe again? I can't say that I've been able to link the end of the dissociative episode with the feeling of safety, but I'm wanting to explore this more. I think I want to ask myself, what will make me feel safe right now, when I start to feel the spaciness, the inability to focus--when it begins...  Is it human connection i need, self care, crawling into my bed with covers over me, movement?
With delving into the kind of deep work you are doing it seems totally appropriate to dissociate. Maybe it will happen less as you journey or come on slower or last less time as you move ahead.

Thank you for sharing your journey. The work you are doing is tremendous. I think of you often--your strength, courage and healing. You are so incredibly brave.