Exposure therapy

[Deep Blue]

MoonBeam,
Thanks for that.  You hit on something big there.  I don't feel safe. I need some human connection to get out of it. I will call a friend and talk to them to try and stay mindful.  Thanks 

[Snowdrop]

You are so incredibly brave.

I have the deepest respect for what you're doing.

[Deep Blue]

Thanks snowdrop,
So what I'm noticing is that most of what I'm fighting lately is the dissociation.

It's frustrating because I need my wits about me.  I'm currently working full time as a teacher, being a parent, and taking 2 online classes at the masters level.  I need to pass them to be able to teach a class that my principals scheduled me to teach.

The problem is that it is too much.  Stress gets added and my brain gets foggy.  I was 3 pages into a paper today when I realized I was answering the wrong prompt      So depressing! I had to chuck it and start from scratch. 

It's hard to focus and buckle down on the online coursework when I've got the darn fog of dissociation ya know?

Trying to hang tough and fight the urge. Trying to take deep breaths and get extra sleep

[MoonBeam]

Deep Blue, yeah, that's a lot on your plate and would be a struggle for someone without all the extra we have to deal with. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You really are doing amazing work and getting stronger with each step from what I can see in your journaling.

Dissociation, what was once my safety net has become a huge disruption in my life, it renders me dysfunctional, when I feel I can't afford any more dysfunction. I have to show up, no matter what. I wish I had a magic wand that could put it all right. I just have to have faith that the more I strive to work through my trauma and learn new ways of coping, of taking care of me, of understanding the connection to safety and the difference between the past and the present, my brain, my being will also see how the dissociative way of coping is not helping me anymore and slowly start to fall away.

Big  to you and so much respect.

[sanmagic7]

i agree - one step, then the next, and the next.  i know you've got this.  you're juggling so much right now.    

we're with you all the way.  love and a hug filled with amazement!   

[Deep Blue]

Ok guys!!!! I have to brag here!!!

Today I was watching a new tv show.  The show began with a woman in the trunk of a car.  My heart rate went up, BUT!!!! No panic attack, no crippling anxiety.  I just took a breath and was ok.

That's progress 

[Snowdrop]

Oh wow! That's huge progress!

[Not Alone]

Enormous progress. 

[Blueberry]

Huge progress! Wow!   

[Three Roses]

Wow!   . Great job, you! 

[Kizzie]

 

[Jdog]

 

[MoonBeam]

Deep Blue, you are such an inspiration!   

[Deep Blue]

Thanks you guys.  I appreciate all your praise but I'm quite sure I don't deserve it.

This past week has been pretty good. 

I had therapy today and we are still working on restraint.  I hate every second of it but it will be worth it right? 


***Trigger warning *****



Sometimes I wish none of it happened to me.  I know that sounds selfish.  Why did I have to be tied and left there? Why was I gagged and shoved in a closet.  Why was I tied ankles to wrists? It's crushing

[Not Alone]

You do deserve the praise. You've done a lot of brave, hard work.

Wishing it didn't happen is not selfish at all. I also wish it didn't happen to you.