Exposure therapy

[Not Alone]

Deep Blue, that is a big risk to open up to someone. You didn't write about the friend's response, so I trust it was accepting and caring. I couldn't do this without my friends. Sometimes it is as simple as a text saying I'm having a hard time and them texting back telling me they care. It makes a difference.

[Deep Blue]

verge of freaking out today

Today the plan is for my T and I to move the couch in her office.  She thinks I need to get into the position on the couch where much of my abuse took place.

I'm so scared you guys. I've never dreaded therapy as much as today.  Maybe she will forget? Maybe we won't do it after all. 

What's gonna happen? Am I gonna be ok?

[Snowdrop]

My heart goes out to you, Deep Blue. Being scared is completely understandable, but remember what Three Roses said to you: you are stronger than you know. Your therapist will be with you, and I'm sure she'll make sure you are safe.

[Three Roses]

In addition to what Snowdrop says, remember that you are in the driver's seat. You can always tell your t it's too much too soon. That doesn't mean you won't do it, it just means you won't do it right now.

[Deep Blue]

I'm ok I think,
Yep... I took the wheel and made a hard left! I didn't do the exposure today.  I just couldn't.... it seemed too big... too scary today.

I still fought off a couple flashbacks while  I was in there so I'm worried about sleeping tonight.

Does anyone else do that??? Like the world gets fuzzy? And I know the flashback is coming and I force it down... shake my head a little and kinda shake it off.

I dunno 

[Not Alone]

Deep Blue,

remember that you are in the driver's seat. You can always tell your t it's too much too soon. That doesn't mean you won't do it, it just means you won't do it right now.

   Good that you let her know that today was not the day. It is your choice. Flashbacks are awful. 

[Snowdrop]

I hope you slept OK, Deep Blue. Well done for recognising that yesterday was not the right day, and for doing something about it. Good awareness.

[sanmagic7]

i'm with the others, db.  you know when the time is right.

is there any way to break this down into smaller pieces?  something that might be manageable, do the exposure thing w/ that until it's tolerable, then move on to the next phase?  just a thought.

right beside you!  love and a hug filled w/ self-knowledge and confidence in it.

[Deep Blue]

Back to therapy today,
My T keeps telling me that I'm stronger than I think. 

I just don't believe that.  I know this may be my inner critic but I don't think surviving trauma means I'm strong.  I think it just means learned how to roll over and play dead.

Well last week I didn't do the exposure... it was too big and scary. I like the idea of taking it slowly today.  I wonder though??? I have no idea if standing next to a couch, or even seeing someone else bent over a couch will elicit any reaction from me.  Is there a way of knowing?

Started a new thing to help bring me back down and ground when I wake up from panic attack at night.  Texting uses a different part of the brain.  So I started typing out my grounding on my phone when I'm having trouble coming back down from the panic attack.  Hoping it will serve me well... so far so good

[Snowdrop]

Thinking of you, Deep Blue.

[sanmagic7]

hey, db,

i don't think there's a way of knowing till you actually do it.  if it doesn't elicit a neg. response, perhaps you can take it a step further, lean a bit further, move toward the position until you feel a neg. response.  that, then, might be your starting point.   does that make sense? just a thought.

the idea of surviving our traumas, getting thru them and still be physically alive, and mentally sane, takes great strength.  i just saw someone tell a battered woman, who was afraid to get out of the relationship because she wasn't strong enough, that it takes someone strong to have gone thru what she did.  inside, we were fighting to keep our 'selves' intact, even while we were being denied, demeaned, diminished in so many horrific ways.  that fight, tho we may have succumbed to their demands at the time, that fight was still in us, still working to keep us alive and sane.  that takes strength.

and, i'm not judging anyone who hasn't made it out of their abuse.  sometimes it's just too much.  too much pain, too much fear.  i can't ever say someone was weak cuz they went in a different direction.  but, i can say that every single one of us here is a very strong person, usually stronger than we believe.  we did what we had to do, even if it meant rolling over and pretending to be dead - that's what was needed to stay alive.

and stay alive you did.  thru everything, you did what was needed to be here today.  that takes brute strength.  you have that within you.  it may not seem like it, but it's definitely there.  all the exposure stuff you've already gone thru, wow!  i don't know if i'd have the strength for that!  but, cutting it into tinier pieces might be more manageable.  you're quite vulnerable at this time w/ all this, which feels like weakness.  honestly, it's not.  even the most fragile china cup can hold the hottest tea and not shatter.

i'm really glad you found something that helps during the night.  great idea.  something else you didn't know would work or help till you tried it.  you're getting there!  and, we've got you, won't let go.  sending love and warm, supportive hugs.

[Deep Blue]

Thanks San,
It's weird that I agree with you for everyone else except me...

I look at all the stories of people on the forum, all the awful trauma, and I think to myself... wow they are so strong.

But... I don't/can't recognize it in myself.

By body did hold up during all the PA... it's just my mind that feels very damaged... and my heart 

Standing next to the couch didn't elicit a reaction from me. My T leaned over the couch and I felt my heart begin to pound... my cheeks got red and I found myself pacing her office.

No flashback, no panic attack... just that feeling that I wanted to escape...

Last night I got nailed with nightmares.  I did self care last night before bed and did type out the grounding in the middle of the night.

I'm here today, I'm safe today, I'm cooking today (a favorite distraction)

Thanks for all of you

[sanmagic7]

well, i think that's progress, db.  you now know where the beginning of your anxiety kicks in.  that might be enough exposure to begin with.  that piece.  maybe until you get that piece to be manageable, it's far enough.  when you don't get such a reaction from seeing that, you might be able to add another small piece.  how does that sound.

i know it's difficult to see in ourselves what we see in others.  i've heard that we can't see in others what we don't have in ourselves.  don't know if that's true.  i do know that i see your strength and courage, and i admire you for them both.

i do believe that as you continue with your healing, things will become clearer for you.  maybe ICr stuff is getting in the way of you seeing this for yourself.  what do you think?

and, yeah, it would make sense that your mind and heart were more terribly damaged than your body.  those wounds run deep.  they may be more fragile than your body, but, as the example about the broken vase, they can be repaired in a way to make them even more beautiful.  hang tough, ok?

love and hugs!

[Jdog]

 

[Deep Blue]

Please let me find the strength to fight some of these triggers...

I have not done exposure in weeks and I'm still really struggling with the nightmares piece.  I've fallen into old bad habits of SH to deal with the sadness I feel and the terror that strikes me when I sleep.

Last night I was crippled with nightmares, body memories and an earth shattering panic attack... can the cptsd gods please cut me some slack?