Exposure therapy

[sanmagic7]

sending lots of love and hugs filled w/ calm and peace.  what you're going thru is horrible, there is no doubt.    it also sounds like you're in mourning.

having your sleep interrupted like that is the worst.  you're in my thoughts and prayers - here's hoping the new year brings you some rest from all this.  i wish i had words to comfort you.   

[Not Alone]

Deep Blue,
The sadness and pain you are in sound horrible. I've had body memories and they are awful. Sending you care.

[Deep Blue]

San, no words... just love ya

Notalone, thanks for the care. If it's ok I'm gonna think of it tonight as well. 

Did some exposure over the weekend,
Talked to my t about it today.  Well I say talk.... usually it's like pulling teeth wirh me.

So I described what my body felt when I was left tied up.  Ugh....

I'm gonna do some breathing and stuff before bed... I have a sneaking suspicion it's gonna be a nightmare kinda night.  Maybe I'll get lucky? Ugh hope so

[Not Alone]

Deep Blue, you are safe. Sending you compassion and tenderness.

[sanmagic7]

db, all credit to you for continuing on this painful journey - it takes a lot of courage to go thru the pain, feel it, know it's going to be there, but doing it anyway because you believe it'll help in the long run.  well done

you are doing this because you are able to do this, you are strong enough and determined enough.  sending love and a hug filled w/ continuing thru it all to the other side, where you'll finally find peace.

[Deep Blue]

Homework from last week came and went. I didn't do it.

My t asked me why I didn't do it.  I'm not sure... Maybe cuz I was worried there would be fallout? Maybe it's just cuz my flashbacks and physical abuse memories just plain scare me??

I told her I'd do it tonight... she suggested to wait closer to next Thursday when I see her again....

I'm fully aware I have not said what the homework was....

***Trigger warning just In case:

My homework is to get out one of my own... belts.... gah... and crack it.

End trigger warning

It will be ok right? I don't want to do this... 

[Not Alone]

Deep Blue,
Yes you will be okay. Waiting until close to your session on Thursday sounds wise. Would it be helpful when you do your homework to remind yourself, "I am safe, this is just an object, it is in my hands and I am in control, in the past I was hurt by this; but now I am safe"? I know this is really hard and scary.

[sanmagic7]

i agree with notalone that you will be okay.  the belt is in your hands now, not the hands of the one who used it to hurt you.  you are safe, because you have the power now.

when you feel the time is right, go ahead and do what you can.  maybe just picking the belt up might be a first step.  one hand, then the other, stretch it out - you can do this in the best way for you - always remember that each small step counts.  and that we're with you even while you do this.

sending love and a hug filled w/ clarity and power.

[Jdog]

 

[Deep Blue]

Ok update: trigger warning because it mentions PA from a tv show.
*********

So in session last week, we played a video clip from the tv show handmaids tale.  I guess it is a show and a book but I've never read it. 

Anyway I didn't have to watch the clip.  All I had to do was listen to it.  The scene is of a woman being hit with a b-

When I listened to the video I tried to distance myself from it.  I told myself it doesn't really sound like  that... it's a foley artist... it's probably snapping celery or something.

My T talked about the position of the woman being "punished" in the video and that sent me into complete flight mode... I left my appointment 20 minutes early.  I just sorta ran.

So I listened to the video again yesterday. I'm done with it for the week. I have another appointment tomorrow but I don't have to listen to it. 

It's so hard... I tried to act like it didn't matter, tried to act like I was ok, but I think my T saw me jump at the sound... I shook my head so the flashbacks would calm down... still having nightmares

Sorry that got so long anyway that's where I'm at 

[sanmagic7]

encompassing you in healing warmth, care, and compassion.  it sounds like you have triggers within triggers, so you can't trust one image or sound cuz another might be imbedded.  how horrible. 

take it easy on you, ok?  love and a gentle hug, just bringing you in to relax against ems.  she'll carry it for you.

[Not Alone]

Completely makes sense that you were so triggered and ran. I know the feelings are awful. Now, 2020, you are safe. Sending you loads of care. 

[Kizzie]

Sending you much care and support Deep Blue.  I don't know if it will help but maybe picture all of us standing with you as you face this terrible truth no one should ever have to face. You are not alone with this any more 

[Snowdrop]

Your reaction is completely understandable. I hope the nightmares have calmed down.

[Deep Blue]

Thanks so much San, snowdrop, Kizzie and Notalone.

Last night I had a couple nightmares but no panic attacks.  I am so glad I didn't have to listen to the video again.

It worked with the trunk, I do hope this works eventually. I can now watch a show with someone in the trunk of a car and I have not had nightmares or flashbacks of being in the trunk for a long time.

The thing about my PA flashbacks and nightmares that make them hard is cuz of the accompanying body memories.  It's like an EF that I can feel NOW. My body thinks that what is happening in my mind is actually happening. 

So my t is gonna be gone for a week. She's getting emdr certified out of state next week.  She wants to start emdr with me when she comes back but it will be a couple weeks before I see her next.

I'm too happy to not have to do exposure for a bit that I have not even thought about the scariness of emdr...

Well I guess I will cross that bridge in a couple weeks