I think I need to slow my life down in order to heal

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Jenny

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I think I need to slow my life down in order to heal
« on: September 10, 2019, 08:18:08 PM »
I feel so much shame and guilt.  I have had the hardest year. I finished EMDR therapy a year ago. I felt so much better! I obtained my Real Estate license, started working, and recently my husband who is a corrections officer getting ready to retire in a few years got his so we can team up. In the past year, bit by bit I have felt myself effected again by my CPTSD symptoms. I denied it for quite a while, but my drinking to cope slowly increased, the stress at work has been gradually mounting (Left one boss because he was a narcissistic abuser with a personality disorder, joined another broker who is a good person but uses negative reinforcement to "motivate" Nothing is ever good enough (deadly for me) I eventually checked myself into rehab, have suffered my 1st DUI. I finally found a new therapist who takes my insurance and specializes in CPTSD Trauma Ive only seen her once and can only see her every two weeks as shes only in an area that I can reasonably drive two then. Im a perfectionist and have been holding my Real Estate career together by a thread. I am a singer/performer and have people hounding me to come back to performing. I am a bright sunny person that everyone seems to like....At an immense cost to me. I have 3 sons who are 18, 21 and 24. My oldest has aspergers and is a great kid but needs my guidance. My youngest struggles with anxiety and depression, he is very strong but me being like this is hurting him. My 21 year old is also awesome but is now spending most of his time at his girlfriends. My husband is AMAZINGLY supportive (my second. my first was a monster) Im thinking of making the decision to be at home for a while and transaction coordinate for my husband as he can step up and be the face of our Real Estate team. I feel terrified and guilty about doing this. I feel like a failure and a disappointment but I also feel if I don't Im going to come apart for real and I don't know what happens after that. Being around people makes me terrified, unsafe and want to panic and hide.  :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

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Kizzie

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Re: I think I need to slow my life down in order to heal
« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2019, 09:03:43 PM »
Welcome to OOTS Jenny, glad you found your way here  :heythere:

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Im thinking of making the decision to be at home for a while and transaction coordinate for my husband as he can step up and be the face of our Real Estate team. I feel terrified and guilty about doing this. I feel like a failure and a disappointment but I also feel if I don't Im going to come apart for real and I don't know what happens after that. Being around people makes me terrified, unsafe and want to panic and hide.

I think in the future once more is known about CPTSD and the energy we expend trying to hide/deal with it, we will all feel much more comfortable knowing destressing is a matter of self-care and doing what we can not to to strain/overwhelm our health (physical/mental).

Maybe think of it like walking way too much on a broken leg that's just been surgically repaired and casted - it's just not going to heal well. Also, perhaps it's also time to think about starting back to treatment again b/c your injury (CPTSD) is flaring up?

 :grouphug:




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notalone

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Re: I think I need to slow my life down in order to heal
« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2019, 09:36:14 PM »
Jenny,

I also struggle with guilt and feeling like a failure. On my way home from work today, I was thinking to myself, "I only worked five hours. Why am I so exhausted? Why do I feel like I need to go and hide in my room?" The words of my therapist came to me and gave me some comfort. T: "Think about a war veteran who lost his legs in battle. No one wonders why simple tasks are so hard for him. They see why. Your wounds are invisible to most people but it doesn't make them any less disruptive or exhausting to live with." Living with c-PTSD is really hard (understatement).

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Kizzie

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Re: I think I need to slow my life down in order to heal
« Reply #3 on: September 11, 2019, 03:06:00 PM »
 :yeahthat: