Hypervigilance is Exhausting

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum Love-warrior 
Thank you so much for quoting this:

"Sometimes, it seems easier to push through because it numbs us from fully feeling our pain. The result is almost always an inevitable crash. And when we crash, we feel like we are being "lazy." And so goes the vicious cycle."
I do find myself in this situation and have no idea on how to break the cycle. I am pushing myself to keep going on...yet I know I do not have the energy, so it's an endless process. I push myself to show up as a parent, to show up as a "good worker"...

It is just what I needed to read this morning, the quote and how you respond to it. Thank you!

I hope you feel as much support from this forum as I do.

[Eireanne]

The article isn't there anymore, but reading your comments and the quotes you have pulled from it have helped me to understand how my own hypervigilance has affected me both physically and mentally...I wish there was a guide for all of our "well-intentioned" friends to read this and understand platitudes and distancing themselves until I "feel better" are NOT helpful, but understanding how desperately I need support right now WOULD be.

[Blueberry]

Which article could you not find, Eireanne? The link in the very first post worked for me. (If it hadn't I might have gone and looked for it to save Kizzie atm who is busy on recovery while I am busy running from recovery, mostly anyway)

[Phoebes]

I feel like so many things we were shamed about, or are regularly shamed about, are simply not true. We are surrounded by people who case harm, and then shame us for being harmed. We didn't go out into the world and are shamed by society, coworkers and partners for their own perspective and things that simply aren't true. But, until recently, I internalized all of those negative things just like I did as a child. No wonder I always feel like an alien. Outside messages simply don't compute to what my body and brain knows.

[Bermuda]

Hypervigilance is only the first step in a lengthy process. My brain scans the surroundings in a loop like a browser constantly pinging. It listens to every conversation in a room at once, often in several languages simultaneously. My brain detects movement and has to tell me whether it is safer to turn my head and check the movement or whether not moving is in my best interest. It's not just that my brain has to detect threats, but it has to detect threats through a broken filter. The click of a pen can grab my focus in an instant. The shuffle of my jacket as someone scoots past can cause me to reanalyse the conditions of the entire room. It does this while telling my body how to act normal, how to go undetected. It could be that no one notices that my eyes quickly scan the countertops, then look back, three two one, avert eye contact, now look again, nod. Make sure my hands are doing something natural. Remember to breathe, normally. I can feel my brain pulled in every direction as people move around me. I can FEEL it.

[CactusFlower]

Bermuda, THANK YOU for this. It's often hard to explain why being out and social is so very exhausting. You've really painted a great picture of how it pulls you in a million directions simultaneously.

[Moondance]

I am pretty new here but somehow feel connected which amazes me and makes me cry because I haven't felt connected is a long time. 

Soooooo thank you so very much to every single share.  I can identify with all that is bring said in this thread. 

Before knowing anything about CPTSD I used to describe my exhaustion as crashes which was referenced in this thread.    When it it first started to happen years ago  I crashed sparingly.  Now I am plain exhausted all the time. I am 61, unable to work at this time and am on disability.

I'm so grateful I found this forum.

[Bermuda]

Yes CactusFLower and Moondance, I think I only just now realised that myself as well.

Socialising is so exhausting because the overall expendature is so great that I likely gained comparatively little from the actual conversation being had. I never described actually speaking nor listening to the person speaking to me. That would occur last on the chain of command. I simple don't have the capacity to exist in public and socialise simultaneously without being completely overdrawn.

There needs to be a steam roller emoji. 

[DD]

This thread and all of you     

I keep thinking why life seems to be so hard for me and so easy to others. And then I find my way here. And I am no longer alone. I hate that there are so many of us and am so happy each of us have found our way here.

Thank you for existing. For posting.

I am in a constant hypervigilence hamster wheel. I loved the perpetual exhaustion machine. It feels like that.

[Kizzie]

Bermuda - JMO but I think this would be an excellent example for the book. 

I do much the same thing (not quite as much these days), and it is exhausting.   My H was military officer and there were so so many social events - I hated them!!!  Military spouses, especially officers' wives are a pretty snobby/cliquey (sp?) group so there was a lot of actual danger. 


 

[Bermuda]

So true! I can say that I am familiar with the social phenomenon. I don't envy you for having to put up with that. I will take a mental note for the book. I wrote this clearly because I had literally just walked out of class and the feeling was so fresh in my mind. Without this forum I wouldn't be able to recognise these things in myself. I would have no reference to know I was even being hyper aware. Just like DD, it just seems harder and it's easy to critise ourselves for seemingly low output when that's just not the full picture... And believe me, I can paint you the full picture.