Hypervigilance is Exhausting

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum Love-warrior 
Thank you so much for quoting this:

"Sometimes, it seems easier to push through because it numbs us from fully feeling our pain. The result is almost always an inevitable crash. And when we crash, we feel like we are being "lazy." And so goes the vicious cycle."
I do find myself in this situation and have no idea on how to break the cycle. I am pushing myself to keep going on...yet I know I do not have the energy, so it's an endless process. I push myself to show up as a parent, to show up as a "good worker"...

It is just what I needed to read this morning, the quote and how you respond to it. Thank you!

I hope you feel as much support from this forum as I do.

[Eireanne]

The article isn't there anymore, but reading your comments and the quotes you have pulled from it have helped me to understand how my own hypervigilance has affected me both physically and mentally...I wish there was a guide for all of our "well-intentioned" friends to read this and understand platitudes and distancing themselves until I "feel better" are NOT helpful, but understanding how desperately I need support right now WOULD be.

[Blueberry]

Which article could you not find, Eireanne? The link in the very first post worked for me. (If it hadn't I might have gone and looked for it to save Kizzie atm who is busy on recovery while I am busy running from recovery, mostly anyway)

[Phoebes]

I feel like so many things we were shamed about, or are regularly shamed about, are simply not true. We are surrounded by people who case harm, and then shame us for being harmed. We didn't go out into the world and are shamed by society, coworkers and partners for their own perspective and things that simply aren't true. But, until recently, I internalized all of those negative things just like I did as a child. No wonder I always feel like an alien. Outside messages simply don't compute to what my body and brain knows.

[CactusFlower]

Bermuda, THANK YOU for this. It's often hard to explain why being out and social is so very exhausting. You've really painted a great picture of how it pulls you in a million directions simultaneously.

[Moondance]

I am pretty new here but somehow feel connected which amazes me and makes me cry because I haven't felt connected is a long time. 

Soooooo thank you so very much to every single share.  I can identify with all that is bring said in this thread. 

Before knowing anything about CPTSD I used to describe my exhaustion as crashes which was referenced in this thread.    When it it first started to happen years ago  I crashed sparingly.  Now I am plain exhausted all the time. I am 61, unable to work at this time and am on disability.

I'm so grateful I found this forum.

[DD]

This thread and all of you     

I keep thinking why life seems to be so hard for me and so easy to others. And then I find my way here. And I am no longer alone. I hate that there are so many of us and am so happy each of us have found our way here.

Thank you for existing. For posting.

I am in a constant hypervigilence hamster wheel. I loved the perpetual exhaustion machine. It feels like that.

[Voice]

Agree BluePalm and I also think it's one reason survivors turn to drugs/alcohol, not just to numb ourselves  but to turn down the volume on hypervigilance and be able to relax and drift as you put it. 

My H and I are moving closer to a large city in Oct and I am going to invest my insurance coverage in therapy that does have elements of body/somatic work so I can hopefully learn to turn the volume on my amygdala down, way down if that's possible.

Hi Kizzie

I'm new to this Forum & have only just read this thread.

I'm 58 & up until approximately 10 years ago I felt like I had the energy to focus positively on the things I needed to do as a husband, father, house owner, band member, church member, friend, business owner & family member.  I was one of those people always in the thick of 'the action' of life. 

Behind the scenes I was in therapy, trying to understand why I felt like I was carrying around a heavy burden on my back.....or dragging one of those ball & chains around attached to my ankle.  I tried so hard to be ok, but I knew I wasn't.

After finally acknowledging (very recently) I was abused in my family of origin (it took 34 years of therapy) & then becoming aware that my 'faith context' is also dysfunctional & abusive I reached out to a charity that promises to listen & offer resources (not therapy) to those who believe they've experienced abuse in a Faith context.  For the first time ever I heard the words 'complex trauma' & then CPTSD was explained to me along with Polyvegal theory.

Although this has brought clarity & explained me to me in many ways it has also 'muddied the waters' too. 

Getting 'out of my head', into the present moment, a 'safe' space where I can connect with my inner child & learn to give them the love, joy, peace & fun they should have had is a MASSIVE ask.  A plethora of advice is out there on how to achieve this.
I made a start & quickly became overwhelmed.  It felt like going back to church......'do this, no do this, don't do that, or that, stop thinking about this & that, think about this & that, gotta meet with these kinda people but not those kinda people, read this article, this book, listen to this speaker or that speaker, watch this YouTube video or that one, but don't listen to that person or watch their stuff, sign up for our course, it's free until you agree you are in need of more than soundbites & then you gotta pay.....etc etc.

You said you were moving & it sounded like you were gonna embark on a similar attempt to get out of your head & into a more Somatic approach to your healing.  When I read that I immediately wondered if it is helping you or maybe if you feel a bit overwhelmed by it all.  I wonder if you have any thoughts about how an already overthinking & kinda burned out head & body can get passed this phase.  I am trying all sorts of things currently; reading the books I used to read as a kid, colouring books, singing, Pilates, breathing techniques, meditation, playing games with a friend & I actually played my guitar last night for the first time in forever.

I am also still self soothing with very unhealthy addictions!!

I noticed your message was several years ago and I was wondering if you can share any helpful tips and or things to avoid from your experience please & thank you.

[Kizzie]

Hi Voice - I did do some therapy with a somatic therapist and it actually helped quite a bit.  Mainly I can now feel when I am bothered/triggered by someone or something before I slip deeply into an EF. I counter the shame and fear with feeling compassion, understanding, love...

It's only occasionally when I have to deal with narcissistic behaviour that I still have difficulty, mostly because those kinds of incidents are few and far between now. As soon as I think I'm dealing with an N I step away because the anger runs so deep - bit of an Achilles heel and I'm thinking of going back for some therapy specifically to manage that.

There is a LOT of advice out there about what to do and it can definitely be overwhelming. I guess my suggestion would be to try and identify what feels right/good/helpful to you, put everything else aside for a while and go with what works in this moment. It sounds like you are on a good track by doing some fun things. It may help renew your energy, and loosen that wound up feeling by doing some positive things. So, onward I'd say   

[Papa Coco]

Voice,

Your story sounds so familiar. Like mine. The decades of barely helpful therapy, the connection to churches that proved to be abusive and controlling, the late-in-life discovery of CPTSD, etc.

The field of possible treatments is big and growing. Some of the treatments are expensive or take time we don't have out of the day. How do I know where to invest my time, soul, and cash to get out of this ever-thickening chaos of trauma and reactions?

Personally I'm finding the best therapies for me are IFS therapy, remaining active in this forum, and learning any meditative practices I can do while still being me...a hypervigilant random thinker who can't stay focused on meditation for more than a few seconds. I'm finding ways that work for me, and the more I can get into the present moment, the more benefits I'm realizing.

I was a Catholic until I grew up. Then I went out exploring Christian churches for another 20 years, and then I left churches altogether and found that I can connect better with spirit now that I don't have anyone telling me how to live my life and how to pray and how to be me.

I have addiction issues as well. I have my 10 year coin from AA and a long history of quitting smoking, quitting booze, quitting obsessive car buying, excessive Amazon shopping... A few weeks back I suddenly didn't like the taste of my second cup of coffee each day and broke my life-long, 6 cup a day habit down to just one morning cup. It just happened. I think that the slow, but steady healing I'm getting from my IFS therapy, my faith, my ever-deepening ability to meditate and pray for more than just a few seconds a day, are starting to heal my need for physical stimulation that I've always used to distract from emotional duress.

Anyway, I'm glad you joined the forum.  It's okay to be overwhelmed by all the possible ways to find healing in CPTSD. This forum has helped me find some pathways through the clutter. If you are curious about any of the optional treatments out in the world, ask on the forum and people will likely chime in with experiences and things they know about it. This is a great place to be confused and be okay with being confused. We're all being confused and overwhelmed together.

And you know what they say, we're stronger together.

[Chart]

I absolutely agree with Kizzie and PapaCoco, Voice. I think being overwhelmed is perfectly normal, especially at the point where we learn about the concept of Cptsd for the first time. This "situation" is a HUGE.

IMO the recognition and impact of Developmental Trauma will be looked at in the future as a major realization in the human struggle for peace and balance amongst nations and societies around the earth. Throughout most of human history developmental trauma was the exception. Only beginning with the industrial revolution have families and small close-knit societies been disintegrated with all their inherent self-regulating patterns. In small villages where neighbors work together and are inter-dependent, individuals have a much broader support base for inter-relational problems. In our occidental societies we are estranged from our neighbors and depend on a distant and alien employer for our survival. Problems at home remain hidden and toxic behavior can surround children for decades without them or anyone ever knowing anything is wrong.

I'm rambling... but my point is that the problem of Developmental Trauma is so new to our modern consciousness that we are still struggling to recognize it's impact let alone understanding how to effectively treat it once it's ravaged a child's world and self-perception.

In my opinion, the collective consciousness of developmental trauma and the work we are all doing by learning it's origins, effects and subsequent treatment could quite literally bring about a world more balanced and capable of meeting the overwhelming challenge we are not facing with massive changes in societies, climat, environnement and increased populations.

If certain political representatives and the general population in general became aware of the fact that their "feelings" of survival are all too often degenerative reactions burned into our sympathetic nervous systems and NOT the misperceived menace of foreign groups, we just might be able to sit down and reflect as a human group as apposed to taking up financial or physical arms to "force" others into adapting to our misunderstood motivations.

I'm rambling again, sorry, but I believe the work we are doing to understand Cptsd is incredibly important, fulfilling and gives me hope for the future. I'm so excited to be part of this process even if it does often completely overwhelm me.