Ambassador, one of the most difficult things I had to learn and accept about my life is that I was abused even though I was never hit or molested that I know of, and that my experience was not merely "bad enough" but genuinely horrific. It was tremendously upsetting and disorientating to have to deal with the idea that I'd had far worse than "kind of a hard childhood" with "not the greatest parents", as I had referred to it all my life. Somehow it was much less frightening to blame it all on being fundamentally and irreparably defective per my family's narrative, rather than accepting that none of what was wrong with me was inherently my fault and it had been foisted on me by covert abuse and neglect, the ultimate betrayal. However, once I got used to the idea that I had not been born with inherent mental and physical illness, I discovered hope for healing and have been on that quest ever since.
I don't have a formal diagnosis either, but when I found out about CPTSD earlier this year, I realised that it was the only explanation for my struggles that added up. I've been trying to understand for years how I could understand so much about why I felt certain things and had certain reactions and be so unable to find the approach that would enable me to change those things, and for me, CPTSD explains it all.
It's truly painful and upsetting to accept that yes, what happened to you really WAS bad enough, that's it's not you, you're not malingering or making things up, you're not bad or wrong or stupid or crazy or culpable, that you really were abused by people who were supposed to love and nurture you and it was not your fault. One of the most helpful things that I have found here in this community is that people understand that, and perhaps most importantly, BELIEVE me when I talk about what happened to me, not try to minimise it or justify it or turn it against me. I hope that you will be able to find that, too. Welcome, and best of luck with your struggle for health and healing.