Hi Everyone

[DavidUK]

Hi Everyone,  my name is David and I live in the UK. I currently reside in a hostel for formerly homeless people and I have been here since April. Prior to that I slept in a doorway in the town centre for 2.5yrs.

I am 50 yrs old and have been homeless off and on for the last 8-10yrs. During that time I have been nomadic, sleeping in tents, fields, ditches, doorways and under bridges across the UK, France and Spain. I picked up the odd bit of voluntary work here and there, helped charities and stayed with host families occasionally helping with gardening and household chores etc.


Prior to this period I worked in the security industry full time for approx. 10yrs mainly as a door supervisor in pubs and clubs across the UK. During that period I was exposed to a lot of verbal and violent assaults, threats and intimidation from people involved in organised crime.

The prolonged stress levels of working long hours, up to 7 days a week and regularly having multiple 'fight or flight' responses and dealing with medical emergencies left it's toll. By the end I was self medicating with alcohol and a number of different so called 'recreational drugs' in an effort to find some kind of 'peace' in my off work time.

Eventually I reached a point where I could no longer function in society and pretty much had a breakdown and lost my job, accommodation, and having no idea how to navigate the benefits system for the first time in my life, I picked up a rucksack and tent, walked out the door and kept walking...

3yrs ago I went to a GP for help who asked me if I had, "ever had a job your life?"
3 GPs later and after a gift of £300 from my parents to pay for a private referral, my first meeting with a Consultant left me with a diagnosis of CPSD and secondary anxiety.

I have been prescribed with 3 different medications so far which haven't made any difference yet to my symptoms and I may begin private EMDR treatment soon although my retired parents will have to pay the bill. I've been told I will need at least 20 sessions.

I have dreams which wake me up by me lashing out with punches and kicks (they probably wake the other residents up too when my bed is too close to the wall! Lol)
I have flashbacks (living dreams which I disappear into during the day sometimes in any environment, car,  street, wherever...) I avoid busy places, loud bangs, etc etc.

I suddenly had the idea the other day that there must be online support groups for survivors of similar experiences to me so I did a Google search and here I am!

Hope that this wasn't too long an intro.. I often ramble on too much!

David

[Snowdrop]

Hi David and welcome! 

I'm sorry that your experiences have brought you here, but I'm glad that you found us.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum!

[Bach]

Welcome, David.  This is a good place for hard things.

[DavidUK]

Hi Snowdrop, Blueberry and Bach, thank you for your kind welcome! This is the first online forum of any kind I have joined so I think it might take me a little while to understand how things work,  but I am looking forward to learning lots and very happy to be here... 🤗

[woodsgnome]

Welcome, DavidUK 

The circumstances of the route that brought you here sound awful  -- but now that you're here I hope you consider this as a haven with people who can support your deserved quest to build meaning and joy into your life.

[DavidUK]

Thank you Woodsgnome, I hope so too.. 

[Three Roses]

Hey there! Glad you're here (but sorry you need to be). Your intro post was not too rambly. There is a ton of info here, it can be overwhelming so be sure to move at your own pace. 

[DavidUK]

Hi Three Roses, thanks for your message.
It seems to me that whatever support I receive from healthcare professionals, friends and family, in the end it's me that will need to 'fix' me ( if that's the right term!).

And in order to navigate that journey I am going to need resources, information, testimonies, advice etc and to understand how I may have shared experiences and maybe some all my own.

Here already I have discovered for the first time in my life so much useful information that I didn't know existed. And as an immediate result I have ordered two books, Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving and Complex PTSD for Beginners by Christianson D Gerhard.

While comforted to know that I am not the only one who has been struggling for recognition, diagnosis and just to be taken seriously, I am also a little saddened at discovering the scale of numbers of people who are facing similar difficulties.
Hopefully sharing what I learn on my journey will add to the pool of knowledge for everyone on the path to 'wellness'.

[woodsgnome]

Ordering the books is a fantastic start. It's a bit like therapy, though -- they might stun a little with some things, but if you're as resolved as it sounds, they can point out a trail as you explore the deep wilderness of cptsd.

That exploration also contains the perils of loneliness and a greater sense of frustration, sometimes; yet at other times the insights gained might serve to be a needed boost. It's not so much about overcoming, perhaps, as it is more like opening a door to better worlds and finding space, at last, in which to breathe. And make peace -- starting with yourself.