The case for choosing to be open and remain vulnerable

[bluepalm]

Recently I saw an artwork referencing abusive relationships that contained these words inscribed in a heart: "I love that you're so open and vulnerable with me. Makes me feel like I'm winning without trying".

This hit home. I have been open and vulnerable with everyone who has abused me in my life.

Looking back I can see how those people took advantage of my openness and vulnerability and exploited these to damage and betray me. And I can see that at the time, or even now for some who are still alive, they may feel they are 'winning', they may feel gladly triumphant in their ability to have 'got away with' damaging my life and not being confronted or held to account for the damage they wrought. 

However, I have come to the conclusion over the years that engaging in vengeance or confrontation or otherwise trying to 'get my own back' against these triumphant abusers would result in my acting against my sense of how I should behave and still retain a sense of myself as being a decent human being.

It actually doesn't hurt me that they feel they 'won', when living as an open or vulnerable person, being kind to people, feels 'right' to me. It feels healthy and decent and gives me a sense of calmness. Feeling I'm behaving as well as I can is more important to my inner sense of peace and dignity than is any knowledge that I've 'got my own back' at those who've harmed me.

But I can remember when, as a young woman with responsibility for two small children, having recently escaped an abusive marriage and with my entire FOO shunning me and opposing my escape, I said to myself 'living well is the best revenge' and it felt so hollow, so tiny, so weak when lined up against my isolation and the damage that had been done to my life. 

I guess what I am saying now is that I'm glad I hung onto that hollow comfort because over the years, as I've held steady on a course of understanding what happened to me and living my life well, not on taking revenge against my abusers, that comfort has grown stronger and my life has become so much richer in every way than my abusers' lives have been. 

And now almost all those abusive relationships have ended, by death or by my putting emotional and physical distance between me and those people over the years. 

I wish I could have told that young woman, enmeshed in her struggles almost 40 years ago, that she would eventually be vindicated in hanging onto her 'hollow' comfort.

And although my every day is still filled with struggles about issues that came from all that trauma, I can say now, with confidence, that 'living well', through focusing on my own values, my own inner work, accepting the slow and uncertain nature of recovery but hanging in there anyway, taking responsibility for my own behaviour first and foremost, despite provocation from abusive others, living a responsible life; all of that really feels to me to be the best revenge.

[Three Roses]

And although my every day is still filled with struggles about issues that came from all that trauma, I can say now, with confidence, that 'living well', through focusing on my own values, my own inner work, accepting the slow and uncertain nature of recovery but hanging in there anyway, taking responsibility for my own behaviour first and foremost, despite provocation from abusive others, living a responsible life; all of that really feels to me to be the best revenge.

[Kizzie]

   Could not agree more bluepalm, well said!   

[woodsgnome]

To say that I resonate with all you say here would be an understatement.

I also find myself living with the 'still vulnerable and open' life that I prefer. Despite its having boomeranged so many times and after so many 'never again' self-talks, I seem to still favour the wish of wanting to trust; and I get taken, often (happened big-time this week already). Yet somehow I find it easier to live with that attitude -- the only thing keeping me from crashing into acrid bitterness that only eats more holes in my heart.

When it seems that they do indeed feel they've somehow won, I just remind myself that life isn't a competitive sport with winners and losers. It's zero-sum, and I have foregone the need for reverse victimhood. Instead I seek deep dives into insights derived from honouring my essence. Nothing to win -- it's already here. If I don't see that -- it's alright. If I do see it -- I feel nourished and even grateful to have struggled so hard to find some sense in an often senseless journey.

As bluepalm has put it: 'living well is the best revenge'.

Thank you, bluepalm. 

[sanmagic7]

 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you for posting, bluepalm. What you said is very inspiring.   

[Cormerant]

Thanks for posting