GrandParents and children

[Gromit]

The complications of a dysfunctional family.

My DD has received a cheque from my NM for her exam results. She was shocked at the amount. Feels uncomfortable. I am discovering that she and OH are more uncomfortable because my DS did not have similar when he did his exams. No one took any interest in him then, from the FOO. My sister points out that that was when my EF was ill and had his terminal diagnosis. But it is part of the same disinterest towards DS that has always been evident.

The other interesting aspect in this is the discovery that my niece no longer speaks to or sees NM, she was the only grandchild NM had anything to do with, me being vlc for years, my kids do not know my NM at all, she merely sends cards and cheques to them for Xmas and birthdays.

My OH swings from saying DD needs to be careful with any interactions with my NM to saying his only qualm about her accepting the money is because DS didn't receive similar treatment.

And me? Well, I have no control over my NM or my DD in this, except I am the only one who knows NM's address and telephone number for responses. No, it isn't fair that no one takes an interest in my lovely DS, and it is highly suspicious that as one grandchild cuts my NM off, another receives more attention.

And this seems a safe place to put it all into words, and to hear sympathetic responses from people who will not be shocked at any of it.

G

[Armee]

I'm sorry Grommit. This opens so many cans of snakes.

My mom (BPD more than Narc...although hmmm so much of both) did the same thing to her grandkids playing favorites and being kind of mean to the boys (because they don't fawn?).

It is disgusting, honestly, that they do that to their grandchildren. It's like being able to watch your own childhood with adult eyes.

However you handle it it is a good opportunity to teach your kids about how to treat people and how not to treat people and to reinforce how much you love both of them for their unique qualities.

Your DD may want to keep the money, send it back, or split it with her brother. Whether to send a thank you note, a cease and desist, or a terse lecture to your mom...that's where the decision making gets so difficult, or you may already have firm rules in place for yourself on that.

I will say, I see this for what it is. Both a slap in the face to DS for not being perfect enough and an attempt to guilt in new supply from DD.

Ugh their games are maddening especially because anyone who doesn't understand... you cannot explain this to (but that's so nice of her, why can't you just be grateful?). It's why my brain always felt like it was exploding when I dealt with my mom. I'm so glad she is gone. 

[paul72]

I'm sorry Gromit.. that is so awful...
For me it was watching them hurting my kids, really just to hurt me. Heck, my M even said "you can't protect your girls" (her last words to my W, whose reply was WATCH ME)
Eventually we Returned to Sender a birthday card and it all stopped. One year one kid got a card, the next the other would.... they'd see their cousins get double...
Infuriating.. It's hard to see it happen to your kids. Once they were old enough to return to sender, it made it easier. Of course, my parents were never generous with them anyway.
Sending a ton of sympathy and understanding your way. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

[Gromit]

My dear DS does not know about the cheque, he is at uni and we have not told him.

The last straw with my NM came when she blamed DS, when he was 4 years old, for her behaviour. He does not know that either. All he has ever done, as far as I can see, is be male.

NM and my niece live far enough away for us not to witness what goes on, and we are not aware of why my niece has decided not to cooperate any longer. None of our business.

Thanks for the sympathy, and understanding.

G