**TW**

[sigiriuk]

I have to share something really difficult - and I have to share it.
It shocks me, makes me feel ashamed and disgusting, and a disgusting person.

I have had a flashback of being sexually abused. I relive the whole event. I enjoyed the abuse, I was lost in the experience. It felt fantastic.
I have never felt like that since, as sex has  never been that enjoyable.
I know that I am alive, and they are my feelings. I feel that I am completely contemptible.

I don't know what to do. On the one hand, I am proud that i faced these feelings. But on the other, i feel sheer horror at the same time.

Slim

[Windsoar]

Your body reacted to something that was made to be enjoyable. It didn't know it was abuse. That decision is made by the head. Nothing to be ashamed of. Head knew something the body didn't. Perfectly normal bodily reaction.

[sigiriuk]

Thx Windsoar

[Snowdrop]

Earlier today Hope posted notes on an online trauma conference session she attended. The session was on sexual trauma. Here's an excerpt:

The body is biologically programmed to respond.  Therefore tremendous confusion.  Confused by reactions.  'You like this' 'You wanted this'  Self-blame and shame and self-hatred and self destructive and demeaning behaviours can occur.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. It's a normal reaction.

[Blueberry]

I agree with Windsoar and Snowdrop. I've heard it's not totally uncommon to react that way to SA, so there's no reason for you to feel ashamed. Sending support.

[Three Roses]

I echo what the others have said. Our bodies react. That's all it is.

But also, feeling ashamed is natural and normal, too. I would hazard a guess that most, if not all, of us who've lived thru SA have had the same experience.

You're a survivor, or as I've read recently, a transcender. You're rising above, learning, and growing. Thanks for posting, this is important for us all to remember, and see that we were victims or targets of others' abusive acts. 

[Kizzie]

      

Proud of you for facing your memory and feelings Slim, you're more in the driver seat now vs what you understandably stuffed down   

[sigiriuk]

Just reading your comments is so important. I feel heard, but also not alone.
Now I have heard you all say it, I know that i can reassure myself that shame has no place in these experiences. It was  biological reaction, no more different than a reflex.

[sanmagic7]

a little late, but i'd like to add my complete compliance with what everyone else said, and my total support for you, slim.

a lot of times our abuse is a way that we feel somehow special, sorted out from the crowd, and that is a very powerful feeling, too.  i've had that same experience w/ emotional abuse - this kind of thing runs the gamut of abuse.  i totally agree with you, that shame has no place in these experiences. 

sending love and a hug filled w/ you're not alone.  this was a very courageous thing to write about.  i hope you can also give yourself some credit - i believe it was a healing thing to do.