What to do when you do better alone?

[Jazzy]

I'm not really sure how to express this, but there seems to be a real disconnect when it comes to relationships with others. Anyone and everyone will tell you that humans are social creatures, its important to have friends, to feel like a valued member of the community etc.

The thing is that social interactions (especially in person) are so overwhelmingly difficult, that they always seem to be negative. They take so much out of me, leave me feeling guilty and like a failure etc. There is clear evidence that I do much better when I am disconnected from others. Trying to force friendships, or getting lost in a romantic relationship has markedly negative effects on me. Sometimes I do feel lonely though, and this seems to go against the overwhelmingly held belief that social interaction is an important positive part of life.

My psychiatrist personifies this disconnect to me perfectly. He has diagnosed me with agoraphobia and social phobia, among other things, and then every time I see him, he asks if I have been going out with my friends, or if I have any new romantic interests. No, of course I haven't, that kind of thing makes me feel horrible. Why would you even ask?!

I imagine this in physical terms as a person who is allergic to water. Obviously, they need that water, and they feel effects of dehydration from not having it, but at the same time, drinking the water will cause physical symptoms as well. This person goes to a checkup with their doctor, and their doctor asks if they've been drinking plenty of fluids... well no, they're allergic.

So, first off... can anyone else relate to this? Just feeling so bad by trying to participate in this "positive, necessary part of life?" Beyond that, what do you do? It seems like a lose-lose situation. How do you turn this around?

[Kizzie]

The thing is that social interactions (especially in person) are so overwhelmingly difficult, that they always seem to be negative. They take so much out of me, leave me feeling guilty and like a failure etc. There is clear evidence that I do much better when I am disconnected from others. Trying to force friendships, or getting lost in a romantic relationship has markedly negative effects on me.

I can totally relate Jazzy    I stopped looking for relationships about three years ago because I felt so much better not having anything but acquaintances I liked and could chat a bit with then go home and not have them over for coffee.  I'm not sure whether or how or when this might change but for right now I am content.

Part of the reason we're moving is that we ended up buying a house in a small new neighbourhood 6 years ago we thought would be where we stayed after retiring. Turns out to be all retired people who want to chat when they see you outside doing anything, have coffee, like block parties and house parties - in a word for someone like me this is    We are moving to a more age diverse town where it is not all seniors so there won't be as much focus on us. 

I'm not antisocial so much as I need/want guilt free me time. I spent most of my life focused outwardly on others - either to placate them, avoid threat, whatever. Alone I can finally relax and slip back into my own skin. It's my choice now to be self referenced versus other referenced (there's been some discussion about this here if you want to search).  I am embracing it because I need/want it and it feels so much better than the constant anxiety of living outside my self & having my energy drained. 

One thing I have learned with having Complex PTSD is that not everything that is "true" for those who don't have our history is true for us.  Thanks for bringing this up Jazzy, as always I feel better knowing I am not the only one who feels a certain way 

[woodsgnome]

I've been on both ends of the social/alone spectrum. While I had some pretty socially involved employment situations, I never could fully adjust to the pressures I felt around people. I know I let many down because of my awkward social skills, but also due to my inability to feel comfortable explaining from where my reticence grew (the cptsd saga).

It probably seemed weird in a way, because I could perform as an outgoing actor, but as soon as performances were over I retreated back to my private self. It did -- and still does -- help that I'm a voracious reader and music lover, I suppose.

It was the old 'caught between a rock and a hard place' routine, and I stayed frozen in it. Even in social situations; even where I could have thrived there, I was always -- consciously and subconsciously -- looking for safety.

Mind you, the hardest was that at some level I desperately wanted a friend or 2 who could fully understand, but I also learned how to set boundaries (although I'm sure they looked like thick walls to many others).

I'm still torn -- there are ways I could lessen the lonely side, but on the other escape is what I built my life towards. I did find understanding friends for a while, but it didn't last. I guess I've mostly accepted that I still have self-imposed limits that might handicap potential relationships, but I also see it as a sign that perhaps my needs have never veered to favouring the social over the private life, loneliness included. Most important, I feel less apologetic about my choice, knowing how it came about.

That said, everyone's comfort level with this varies. I hope you can find some way to live at peace with yourself, Jazzy. "Lose-lose" doesn't fully apply here ... it's more "I have to live with myself and how can I make this my optimum and self-loving choice?" 

[Jazzy]

Thank you for the replies. You both make some very good points, and it always good to hear I'm not alone. 

I'm hoping that there is still improvement for me to do in this area eg. I can learn to feel more peace in social situations, but even if not, I'm sure that I can learn to do things more for me, and worry more about my own feelings rather than being judged by others.

[bluepalm]

I'm a little late to this conversation jazzy, but, shortly before opening OOTS today, I was sitting in my garden with my dogs thinking that my life is safer and calmer when I am essentially alone in their company, with no humans nearby, and then, now and again, I can have pleasant and fairly short interactions with dog walkers, strangers or acquaintances.

I'm confident and outgoing with people and can strike up a conversation easily if I wish to do so but I'm always conscious that there's a time when it should end and I wave a friendly goodbye before they start to 'zero in' on me and work out how they can use me for their own needs.

It sounds paranoid doesn't it, but I have no-one to protect me (I have never had anyone to protect me) and, like Kizzie, I've found that 'trying to force friendships, or getting lost in a romantic relationship has markedly negative effects on me'.  In my experience, leaving things on a polite and friendly level with acquaintances is my best protection against introducing more trauma into my life.

I think I have, and will always have, 'prey' written fairly clearly on my chest when it comes to predators. Certainly, my attempts at romantic relationships in life, none of which was initiated by me and each of which started out of a sense of duty and politeness to someone who approached me, have been with predators. I refuse to do that again.

My psychoanalyst many years ago said I was the most 'hermit-like' person he knew. And I understood him to be criticising my tendency to keep away from people. However, I'm now convinced that having a few long-standing but somewhat distant friends, no close family relationships and a number of pleasant acquaintances (and my lovely dogs to care for) is best for me as a survival strategy and I no longer feel I'm doing something 'wrong'.

I'm comfortable with my own company and feel that the companionship of reading writings by like minded people essentially keeps the pain of loneliness at bay most of the time. I know it represents, in theory, a great loss for me in all I could experience with companionable people but it's an accommodation I've reached with the reality of my traumatic history, the seemingly high numbers of dysfunctional people around me and my isolated position as an independent,  highly educated, professionally successful and intellectually inclined woman living on her own in a markedly patriarchal country.

Sadly, I'm confident that if I were a man with my personality, and even if with my traumatic history, I would not need to be so vigilant at staying away from people to avoid being harmed. But that is reality and we need to function in reality and bear the costs as best we can.

[Kizzie]

I just wanted to add that I'm hopeful treatments & supports for Complex PTSD will improve and become  more accessible in the near future so that we can get to the heart of the relational barriers we experience more effectively.

[bluepalm]

Jazzy this has been a really helpful discussion for me. To be prompted to articulate why and how I manage on my own has been reassuring for me somehow. I'm doing it. I'm managing. But, in truth, it's not without valued therapeutic support in healing my injuries.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi jazzy
I very much relate and came on here to post about the same subject.
My understanding is as someone with complex trauma I have  attachment issues... I mean blimey why wouldn't I.
Over the years I've done OK in friendships and relationships because I've been passive and in addictions. The past couple of yrs esp I've been much deeper in my recovery and discovering who I really am.
I'm changing in my boundaries with people and my self worth is growing.
I spend quite a bit of time by myself or when I'm doing things I move from situation to situation not so much forming attachments.
Interacting with people fills me with fear and I often freeze not knowing what to say.
I want to be close to people but it's much easier not to be. I'm working to give a little more of myself away by talking about me and not just listening.
I believe that much recovery can be made in forming healthy attachments I just need to work out how to go for healthy people. I figure as I heal this will be become easier..
My dream is to be healthy in this area but I know it's going to take much persistance..
We don't have to do this but I  want to

[Boatsetsailrose]

I'm in CAT therapy which is challenging but really hitting the core of relational healing..

[seaspells]

I can really relate to this topic. When i see folks at 12-step groups I go to having a group like experience...or someone to talk to right as meeting ends...i feel so awkward and uncomfortable, i used to not be able to tolerate that empty, lost, abandoned, unseen, invisible - feelings. And I would leave with rage that I wasnt seen, or acknowledged enough (if I had shared perhaps i was in pain).

(I think that issue of not being seen, or wanting to be saved, and looking for unmet childhood needs, and child like rage at folks that my inner child feels do not care enough,,never care enough, how and why could they possibly...? I am learning to give it to myself at those times..self talk, reminding myself they cannot save me, that i am adult now, and have support i can reach out to, etc)         

i have had that experience of being well known to a group, and much comfort in that. Tolerating the time/effort it takes, often means sitting thru painful disconnection there in meantime. Also putting less expectation / desparation / neediness on the group - and reminding myself it takes time...and working to self soothe and give it to myself, has started to help alot!       

anyways...i'm seeing my attachment trauma and certainly not having 'good enough' parenting, and lifetime of self sufficiency - leads me to be very 'independant', life learnt dont need others, and often preferring to be by myself. I'm saddened to think back on my life as being so utterly lonely as such.

I often see also that i will choose to not reach out to people that i could..or forget about them in moments.. or discount their understanding of the depth and complexity (terminal uniqueness), etc...when i fall into an extended emotional flashback, and time of  deep emptiness / despair like feelings.

(i have been working to build a tolerance for these deepest abandomnent feelings..trying to sit with them, let my kid flash back to how he felt..desolate, hopeless, etc. I try to do in safe place, sometimes use THETA wave music and TRE..usually some grieving happens also, and back end it with some reparenting visualizations to comfort and wind him down from the experience.)

MY partner does not have this trauma, and has many long standing relationships - I can feel deep shame that I generally do not.  And even if I am in contact with people, I can still feel these dreaded emptiness/abandonment/despair feelings..but it often can break the spell if i am able to tolerate the anxiety of approaching contact..

Anyways...thanks for reading my rambles...   

     

[Perplex]

Hey Jazzy, I haven't read the rest of the posts here so this might be a repeat... it also might be a not so conventional way of seeing it but...
I believe that personally some people do just want to be alone, either from their personality, environment, or upbringing. I would ask oneself...
- Do you WANT to have a relationship?
- Do you feel like you NEED to have a relationship?
- Would having a relationship fulfil some sort of desire you have?

If 'no' to all of these, then I see no reason why you should be pressured to seek some kind of relationship. I don't like the expectation that EVERYONE needs to be married and have a family - because I know some people just aren't up for that.
If however you feel you WANT a relationship but are unable to because of your unfortunate anxiety and CPTSD, then it's something you can work on and it's a goal you can strive for.
But if you want to be alone - not because of an inability/pressure - but because you deeply feel you would be happier in the long run, then go for your life! You're always going to get questions and comments from others, asking how your 'love life' is going or your friendships. But you can always tell them honestly that you prefer to go it alone. And that's okay!

This was probably a really abstract recommendation and you can take it with a grain of salt.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Sea spells

Quote
'i have been working to build a tolerance for these deepest abandomnent feelings..trying to sit with them, let my kid flash back to how he felt..desolate, hopeless, etc. I try to do in safe place, sometimes use THETA wave music and TRE..usually some grieving happens also, and back end it with some reparenting visualizations to comfort and wind him down from the experience'

This has really been helpful for me to read... I've just started to become aware of just how frozen I am in people's company I don't know v well..
To read your post and put the abandonment and the inner child together is really helpful for me

[Boatsetsailrose]

Also re parenting visualizations... I don't know about these so could be useful for me to learn about

[arale]

Jazzy, I regularly ask myself the same question. Just this afternoon, I was standing in front of 2 friends of mine who were chatting away happily, and I felt so disconnected, so unseen. I thought, "Who needs friends anyway?" So, yes, I can totally relate to you.

But, like woodsgnome, I have a crazy extrovert side (that I have certainly developed as a child to survive the loneliness) that works! People respond positively, and I do get energized from it. But then, of course, I put on a good show, and I don't always get a standing ovation, then the feeling of abandonment is heart-wrenching...

What I've learned is that the basic rule for me is to avoid being retraumatized. In my reparenting task, I need to develop a strong, loving, protective inner father who will stop me from getting into overwhelming situations. What I do is kind of like sticking my toe into the bathtub to test the temperature of the water. I commit myself to a coffee break with one person. If it feels good, I might organize to have lunch some weeks later. Then, if it feels OK, I might add a couple more people into the mix next time. I make it clear to myself that this is an "experiment", so that my Inner Child does not freak out and knows that none of these arrangements or relationships is permanent or irreversible. So, if at any point in this experiment I start to feel that I am putting more energy in than I'm getting back, my inner father needs to bring me back to my safe space, and encourage me to stay there as long as I need, alone if necessary.

Secure attachment, community, solidarity - these are all ideals that I want to have too. For now, I need to be content with little victories, one coffee at a time.

[Phoebes]

Jazzy, your post really resonates with me, and is something I've been recognizing more and more lately.

I'm so much more comfortable alone. I have a group I go to once a week, , it's FUN, but every time I start to get anxiety the day before and it often amps up really high by the time it's time to go. Sometimes I don't. Other times I go ahead in what feels like forcing myself to go. Most of the time it's ok once I get there. I take lessons in a music group, so it's an enjoyable activity. But, it's also performance, which terrifies me. I've thought I will work through this by being i this group. It's been 10 years and I feel like I've fallen behind all of the newcomers, and have not overcome. I have made small improvements though. I don't have as severe of adrenaline when we perform.

Even if I enjoy it, I feel a big sigh of relief when I get home, having a week to go before I have to be in that exposed of a situation again. It's all by choice, but it seems I have not improved much in my tolerance for it. I'm determined not to quit as I have so many other things.

Then, I have a handful of long-time friends who I see each individually very occasionally. This seems to be enough for me, but I wonder, am I being a good friend, or a good enough friend? I feel a deep connection to them, but we rarely see each other.

One of my close friends has a small group of friends, and we have all been acquainted the same length of time. I seem to be the "outcast" who has not been able to form deeper connections with this group, and I feel anxious and awkward when the group texts are going around about this that and the other get togethers. Sometimes I can tell there have been activities I've not been invited to. I'm just so not-comfortable in that group, yet I don't know how to extricate myself from it. The people are nice, and I feel like a jerk. When I have something else going on during these invites, I feel a huge relief I don't "have" to go.

I feel like there is something about me that doesn't translate to others. Like for most people, being nice in various ways translates to being nice. For me, when I genuinely try to make connections, be a friend to new people, bing nice, I often feel like I come across as awkward or trying to hard, and feel it is a turn off to people. It's not my intention, but when the advice is "be connected, be vulnerable, be in community with others" yada yada, and you do that and they treat you like "ew". THAT is a trigger for how my mom treated me, and it turns out to feel like there was a lot of truth to all of her put-downs.

Logically, I think that can't be so, but it sure feels like it.