What to do when you do better alone?

[Boatsetsailrose]

Today I realised that I'm actually OK with time on my own... Not for too long but much more than the average person.. Whoever the average person is
I am also seeing when I am with others that's when I can compare and despair let myself feel less than re my limited close social circle.
I've made a decision I don't need to do this I can live my life in the comfortable way for me.
I seem to being going through a big period of acceptance about who I am, what I do or don't do and my expectations of self some based on perseved social conditioning.
I let go of my career last Yr and now receive disability benefits I'm v grateful for this support . I seem also to be letting go of the idea I need to push to get my next career or next big thing to make me something.
I have just been diagnosed with fibro /cfs my life is different today and that's OK.

Allowing myself to be who I am with cptsd, without cptsd... And all shades in between.

I'm feeling a freedom lately of accepting and actually loving myself in all my shades and colours.
I can live how I want to and that is more than OK!

I'm 46 and have worked hard all my life from the age of 14. Ive had  3 and different careers over the yrs and trained numerous times to get them.. Trained at university in my 30s.worked many part times jobs on top of study.
Worked long hours for years and was a responsible and caring citizen. Cared for others ++ and fought for some social standing.
And NOW its time for ME

I can be slacking I can be lazy I can be unresponsible for others. I can just be, I can not know, I can not strive, I can be dependent. I can be surrendered.
I can be silly I can be scruffy I can be quiet. I can be spontaneous I can be u spontaneous. I can have no agenda, no deadlines no time frames.
I can let of critical self appraisal and self analysis.
I can just be me in this body with this heart and this spirit just here just me just free.

[arale]

And NOW its time for ME

I can be slacking I can be lazy I can be unresponsible for others. I can just be, I can not know, I can not strive, I can be dependent. I can be surrendered.
I can be silly I can be scruffy I can be quiet. I can be spontaneous I can be u spontaneous. I can have no agenda, no deadlines no time frames.
I can let of critical self appraisal and self analysis.
I can just be me in this body with this heart and this spirit just here just me just free.

Yeeaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[woodsgnome]

 

[Hoffnung12]

I'm glad about this post. Thanks for the discussion. I feel the same about other people. It never feels really good to be with others, But it is hard to be this alone.

I don't have a job at the moment and sometimes I am very frightened to leave my flat. So I had weeks in which I didn't talk to anyone for days and that is really hard for me. I have this music group from church, and I tried to get in contact with the people there. Some were even nice and friendly, but I always have that feeling that I just can't connect to others. It always goes wrong in several ways.

People don't understand me and I can't really talk about it, I often have no words , I don't know how to express myself. And I had some problems with people, who started to be judgemental and unfair in that group. Even those who like me run out of patience somehow. I also feel ashamed very often and I even had to face feelings of rage and jealousy. It looks like I am not an easy-going person and I have lots of thoughts about it. Mostly, that I am wrong and just don't fit it. Low self-esteem. 

[arale]

I know this is an older thread but something happened yesterday that made me think a lot about this topic.

Human interactions enrich life when they:
- affirm our common humanity;
- make us see the beauty of being alive.

So many times, interacting with people, I feel I'm treated like a thing, worse, like dirt, used, thrown away, stepped on, ignored, denigrated. I feel ashamed being me, worse, I feel ashamed being part of the human race.

No, thank you, I don't need those kinds of human interactions. I'm much better off, surrounded by kind animals, beautiful flowers, or just alone.

[woodsgnome]

Follow-up to Arale's comment:

                   

[Boatsetsailrose]

Arale
Quote
So many times, interacting with people, I feel I'm treated like a thing, worse, like dirt, used, thrown away, stepped on, ignored, denigrated. I feel ashamed being me, worse, I feel ashamed being part of the human race.

That sounds like hard emotional content to deal with....
When I was getting triggered (it's so much less now) I can see I could project old stuff onto new situations /people...
Also where people were projecting their stuff onto me...
It's great today to have more choices who I interact /entertain... I'm really learning I am can say no, move away and not feel guilty... Horray!

[Kizzie]

I tweeted about this topic a couple of days ago and was amazed at the response; so many people tweeted it wasn't always mistrust/fear of others that they choose to be alone (although that is a big issue), but that there is also a healing aspect.  Many of us have been so focused outwardly to protect ourselves, to survive, we lose track of who we are and need time and space to focus internally, and to let our nervous systems heal. 

The tweets made me realize that not wanting to connect/be around others in real life much is not all about hiding away and isolating. It's also about having had too much stress/abuse/trauma and it is OK, perhaps healing even, to want quiet, calm, peace and alone time. 

I have been reluctant to admit I enjoy being alone in some ways and I feel that a little less so now. I'm not saying mistrust, feeling different, threatened, awkward, triggered isn't part of why I prefer being alone, but it's not the only reason and I may be ignoring the healthier aspects. 

With that said, I would like to find more places in real life that let me stay in my own skin and feel safe around others like I do here - maybe our Healing Porch?  I haven't found it yet but I am beginning to look.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Kizzie
Quote
'Many of us have been so focused outwardly to protect ourselves, to survive, we lose track of who we are and need time and space to focus internally, and to let our nervous systems heal'

So so relate to this... Focusing internally

[Boatsetsailrose]

Kizzie where is the healing porch? I can't find it...

[Blueberry]

Here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13015.msg97214#new 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thanks blueberry for the link...
What section of the forum is it under if I want to find it again.... I can't see

[Blueberry]

Community Corner / Creative expressions / Other

[Kizzie]

Tks for helping Boats out BB 

So, I've attended two groups since we moved to our new home and both have not gone well.      One was a Complex Trauma group where the founder has covert NPD and I could not stay or go back. I wrote about that in others posts a couple of weeks or so ago. 

The other was an online group for disordered eating. It was awesome in that it was facilitated by a therapist and really affordable ($80 for 8 group sessions). Alas I did not feel it was the right fit as I was the only one talking about trauma and eating. Mostly it was about using CBT to interrupt the thinking driving the eating/not eating and stay emotionally regulated but there was nothing about feelings - why we had the thoughts we did, why we had difficulty regulating our emotions, and why eating had become an issue for us in the first place. Not what I was hoping for or for that matter feel like I need right now. Also I was the only older participant, the rest were in their 20's and just beginning to look at their eating issues from what I could tell.

So to bring this back to Jazzy's OP, becasue of the two experiences I felt like I was sliding into that feeling that I do better alone again.  Ironically it's CBT that helped raise me out of that a bit by challenging what I was thinking. It's not that I do much better alone, being here talking to all of you has been healthy and healing for me and for others, so connection is important. It's more about finding safer, slower ways/places to transition into feeling this same way in F2F situations.

I need safe F2F spaces (besides a therapists office) to start off in, somewhere I can relate to others like I do here, where I can talk about feelings and not feel odd, different, like I don't quite belong, where there is a group understanding of what I'm going through and respect, consideration and support for each other is paramount. Few of us have had that before and I think we need to experience more of that as we recover.

[LucySnowe]

I really appreciate this thread. I just discovered this forum, after beginning to read Pete Walker's book, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, and I deal a lot with this particular issue. Like some of the other respondents, I'm lonely as I write this; sitting in my car outside a McDonald's in a surprisingly beautiful place, using the WiFi, not quite able to choose any of the activities that would put me in contact with other people today, but also feeling the keen edge of loneliness and wishing I were feeling the warm surround of (safe) human connection.

Like one of the other respondents, I'm a member of a 12-step addiction fellowship, and I too struggle to feel a sense of belonging there. I came into the fellowship with the expectation—based on what I thought was a promise—of a safe space to share my feelings and experiences and be met with acceptance and compassion. I find that's rarely the case. When I share what's happening with me in meetings, the people who share after me often share at me, rather than speaking about their own experience. The sharing-at entails passively forceful encouragements for me to feel differently, or find a way to be or act different, or suggestions that I needn't feel that way or have that experience to begin with. That's disappointing and upsetting for me, and at times intensely angering. I guess I so need and long for the medicine of acceptance that it's at times intolerable to be offered what feels like poison instead.

I say poison, even though I believe the people in the fellowship are truly well meaning, because in my many years of experience with this disorder, I've learned that when I do meet true acceptance, it's remarkably healing and does for me all the things that folks who try to offer me consternation/advice mean to do for me but don't. For instance, the people sharing at me—and anyone else who attempts to nudge, pull or stretch me into a different place emotionally and functionally—are trying to get me to a place where I'm more stable and self-sufficient, and can do the things they can:

-not experience so much pain and overwhelm
-socialize normally
-hold down a long-term job without strain
-dress with more care
-not have so many conflicts with other people
-speak and act confidently and decisively
-etc., etc.

But when people attempt to nudge, pull or stretch me, the opposite effect is achieved. I tend to feel alienated and blamed, and sink into a kind of helpless internal shame and isolation. When someone can just sit with me and accept me, however, I'm suddenly capable of all the aforementioned things. It's almost miraculous—and because it took me so long to find anyone who could sit with and accept me, and for me to develop the capability to receive and respond to that, I didn't know it was possible. But now I know that even a drop of such acceptance can result in a huge change, not just emotional but physiological.

This is all to say that this feels like a complex issue, because it's not so simple as "I suck" or "Other people suck." (That's a binary I used to swing between, and still do sometimes.) Now I know that, on the one hand, I've done an incredible job with what I was given in this lifetime, and have rich experience and gifts to offer the world, and on the other hand, other people are also doing the best they can, even when they fail to understand or meet me. I finally realized that I'm not the same as most other people and the things that make sense and work for them truly don't for me; and they can't always be expected to understand that.